Good and Bad

A quote from Marilyn Monroe (who also had endo) keeps running through my head.  It goes, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  It's so very true.  People will come and go from your life, but those that stick around for the hard times truly do care and want to be there throughout it.  The boyfriend got a glimpse of me at my worst and didn't run or freak out.  He was calm and collected and realized that it's just one part of me.  It's worth it stick around and get back to the good parts.  I think he's a keeper. :)

Oh, and we totally got the house!!

Crazy Girl

The boyfriend witnessed something yesterday that I'd hoped he wouldn't for at least a little while longer... he saw the crazy come out in me for a bit.  I got upset over something stupid, and it ruined the rest of my afternoon.  I was mad for not being able to just let it go, and it was a vicious cycle of frustration and being scared that it would scare him away.  He felt helpless because he didn't know what to say or do to help, and I told him that there wasn't really anything.  He asked what I was upset about, and I told him I didn't know, which by then was the truth.  I wasn't upset about any one specific thing anymore, it was just a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger.

Then he said the perfect thing:  "I don't know what you're upset about, but if you're worried about me, you shouldn't.  I'm not going anywhere, and that's the last thing you should be worried about.  So I'm gonna give you some space to work out whatever you need to, but I'm still here."

I know that was part of it.  I was scared he would think it wasn't worth it putting up with my emotional spells.  But he took it in stride and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  It was just the right thing.  So I cried a little more then was somehow able to pull myself together, and we had a very pleasant rest of the day.

In my defense though, I am PMS-ing rather a lot and I think that played a part in it.  I was pretty emotional at work today too.

Movin' On Up... again.

Things with the boyfriend are now speeding up very quickly.  If all goes as planned, we'll be moving in together next month.  My roommate is planning on moving, and I really don't want to try to find another roommate... not that I could find one as great as her anyways.  So I talked to him about it, and he's just as stoked as I am.  I do still worry that it's fast, but we spend just about every evening together anyways, so why not get a place together and not have to say goodbye almost every night?

Found a wonderful house today, and we're trying to arrange a time to meet with the rental people.  Could finally have a gas stove!  I've been cooking more since we got together, and I'm starting to get inspired to bake again.  Haven't really done any of that in over a year now.  Have yet to break in the new Kitchen Aid mixer... blasphemous!

You never stop loving somebody...

I'm crazy about this guy... the boyfriend, that is.  It's still weird calling him that.  But as much as I like him, I keep having tiny freak outs now and then.  I keep thinking "This isn't right!  He's not the ex.  I won't ever be as happy as I was with him."  But then I think, "No, he's not the ex.  The ex did you wrong, is gone and isn't coming back.  You really like this guy, and he really likes you.  Appreciate how wonderful that is and keep moving forward."

The saying "You never stop loving somebody, you just start loving somebody else" (quite possibly from a Big & Rich song?)... is it true?  Will I always carry around a little flame for my ex?  Does it ever really go away completely?

Now, different topic... What does dreaming you're trapped in a battleship during a tornado mean?  What about trying to start a fire, but it won't light, then it roars into a huge bonfire?  What about trying to take pictures, but the color doesn't show up?  What about almost being raped in my closet?  What about planting oak trees?  What about having a motel room where the dividing wall to the next room is only a curtain that doesn't really shut all the way?  I dreamed all these last night, plus a bunch more.  They were very strange.

An Auntie Again

My very best friend in the whole world is pregnant.  She texted me Monday asking me to call her after work, which she never does.  That got me wondering since I knew they'd been trying.  And sure enough.  They'd been trying maybe 8 months, and she'd been a little worried.  But what do you know?!  The very month she quit worrying about it, it happened and she's absolutely sure that had everything to do with it.  I doubt it.  Her sister said that when she got preggo too, so I'm sure that makes it true.  Yes, I'm a little jealous and was bitter, but I'm *mostly* over that now.  I sent her flowers like I did for her sister.  I love them and am very happy to have another niece/nephew on the way.  I guess it just brought up some old feelings.

But, on the bright side, things with the boyfriend are going crazy well.  I know it's early but I always do things fast in this department, and when I fall, it's fast and hard.  I could totally see myself making a life with this guy.

Going Steady

So that fish and I are now dating exclusively, and it's pretty awesome.  Every spare minute we have is spent together.  We take turns cooking for each other and actually went grocery shopping together yesterday.  It all feels so normal.  It feels right with him.  Made it "facebook official" today too.  Feels so teenager-ish, but feels nice too.

I know it's early and I'm definitely keeping a level head about it all, but I really hope things work out with him.  He's just what I've been looking for and would be a great father.  He even wants to have kids sooner rather than later since he's a bit older.  Fine by me!!  He knows about the endo and isn't freaked by any of it.  I told him some of the embarrassing parts of it, and he said how it's a part of me and that's what he's interested in.  How sweet.

Plus he totally knows what he's doing in the bedroom and isn't shy about it.  This is gonna be fun. ;)