It's Valentine's Day...

...so I'm home cuddling with my critters.  Not a terrible way to spend the day.  So much love coming from them!

I'm sick.  I've just got a cold, but it's freezing outside, and I don't want to do anything anyway.  I jinxed myself into it too.  Last weekend I was thinking how I'd made it this far into winter without getting sick and was all proud of myself.  So much for that.  I did have to miss going to see my parents yesterday though.  My stepdad's had pneumonia for a few weeks now, and we couldn't risk him getting any sicker.  My mom warned me again that this might do him in.  Which I knew.  As soon as he got sick again I knew.

My birthday was a couple of days ago.  Thirty-three.  Wow.  The girls at work went out of their way to make it special for me... decorations, gifts, cake.  It was really sweet.  I've been dieting and decided to treat myself to pizza and beer that night, which was fucking fantastic.  I'd started feeling sick that day and probably shouldn't have eaten all the junk, but it was delicious.

Got my final back injection last week.  It hurt pretty badly once again, but I've been feeling good since then.  They said this one should last longer, and I hope it does.  I'm going to stop pursuing treatment after this.  I'm tired of it and putting myself through the painful ordeal.  I'm just gonna deal with the pain from the scar tissue until it hopefully breaks up, or whatever it should do.

A new roommate is moving in in a couple of weeks.  A guy who will be staying about three months.  Hopefully we'll get along and everything will go smoothly while he's here.

I've been eye flirting with a very handsome fella at the gym.  We're there at the same time very frequently, and I swear I'd catch him looking at me.  So I started looking back.  We'd make brief eye contact occasionally, then one of us would look away.  About a week and a half ago he was walking across the room, and I caught his eye and smiled, and he smiled back.  I thought for sure he'd come talk to me, but nope.  The next time I saw him there I noticed him looking at me more, so I'd glance his way more also.  We locked eyes at one point, but it felt really awkward.  So I have no clue, as usual.  I haven't been since early last week because of the injection and now sickness, so I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

Sciatic Nerve Pain

Every.  Single.  Day.

It's been almost a month straight now that I've had it pretty much 24/7.  It used to come and go, but now it's all the freakin time.  It's worse in the morning, and getting ready for work is excruciating!  Once I get to work I'm limping for a few hours before the pain killers start to kick in, not that they do much to help anyway.  I've actually been waking up way before rise and shine time to take pain killers hoping they'll start to work before I have to get up.

A lot of times the ovary on that side is throbbing too, but not quite as much lately.  I really don't know if it's endo related or not.  I've been trying some stretches that are supposed to help with that kind of pain and going back to the gym to try to strengthen my back muscles, but I can't tell a difference yet.

I may give it a bit longer then go back to my chiropractor.  She's the only one I've really been to, and it's been almost five years since I last saw her.  She said I was her most difficult patient.  She would demonstrate on my back how far she would press for normal patients, which was maybe half way for what it took her to adjust me.  She said I was too flexible.

But adjustments freakin hurt me!  As she was doing them, I would get sharp pains and would be sore for days.  She'd never had anyone like that.  That's why I'm nervous to go back.  But maybe I'm really out of alignment and that's what's causing the pain.  I'm thinking if I keep doing my stretches and exercising, do go back to see her and there's still no improvement... then maybe it really could be endo related.

But we're not there yet.  One step at a time.  I just know it seems to be getting worse every day, and I've got to do something about it.  Grrr...

Woah!

Wow, it's been a crazy long time since I've written.  There's been plenty to write about, but I either didn't know how to put it all into words or just didn't feel like it.  Work is going well.  The manager has been out a good amount lately, which has been a little stressful for me, but we're getting through it.  One girl I've worked with for a really long time has been addicted to pills and almost got fired, but I think she's finally decided she wants to quit and has seemed better this past week.  I'm planning a vacation at the end of October to visit some friends and see Matt Nathanson in concert, finally!!  Excited for that and ready for a break.

I've still been hanging out once a week with the ex-bf, although we certainly don't act like we're broken up.  He even expressed the slightest bit of jealousy a couple of weeks ago at the thought of me with another guy.  He calls me beautiful all the time which he never really used to do, and I hear so much more emotion in his voice when he tells me he loves me now.  I just don't know what to think.

The new house is still awesome and definitely feels like home now.  I've been doing a lot of lawn care lately, and it feels awesome and empowering when I mow, weed eat and blow off the patio and sidewalk start to finish.  It looks really good, and I'm the only woman in my little neighborhood nook that really does it.  I even drug out the ladder yesterday to do a little maintenance outside, and the whole "I am kayak, hear me roar" thing totally applied.  It feels good.

My sister's baby shower was this weekend, and it went fairly well.  They're always awkward and never go by without some heart pangs, but it was nice.  There were kids absolutely everywhere, so I hung out away from them.  I think the worst part was actually buying the card for it the day before.  I was standing in the card aisle and reading through all the different options when it hit me.  I fought back the tears right there in the middle of the store, but a few managed to come out.

Anyways, after most of the people had left from the shower and it was just family and a couple of close friends, we had a blessing circle for the baby and that was beautiful, as always.  A little while after that more people arrived for a birthday/going away dinner for another sister, and that was fun.  Her long-time boyfriend is a Marine and will be moving a few states away for at least the next year, and she's decided to go with him.  It's only a matter of time before news of an engagement, I believe.  They're adorable together, and I'm happy for them.

The next morning all of us "sisters" and their significant others gathered at a wonderful restaurant downtown for breakfast.  Only later when looking through pictures did I realize that I was the only single, non paired up person there, and surprisingly it didn't even bother me.  Those people are my family, and I love when we're all in one town spending time together.  Even their fellas... I've known them all so long now that they feel like family too.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

On the schedule today is getting my car registration renewed.  I hope it's not a process though because I also have to get the bank off the title now that I fully own it and also change it out of my married name, which I guess I never did.  After that I may hit the gym.  Oh my... exciting news... I've been loosing weight, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my old self!  I've lost about 13 pounds in the past few months, which is amazing for me, and I want to lose about 20 more and tone up.  I'm on the way!! :)

I guess that's about it for now.  Thanks for checking in.  Have a great day!

Bullet Points

Got the appraisal back on the house and it's good!  The value is there and the house doesn't need major repairs.  We're now scheduling the actual home inspection, and I'm not anticipating anything huge.

I have a serious potential buyer for my old engagement ring.  It still hurts to sell it, but the money from it would wipe out about 75% of my credit card debt.  I could pay that off much quicker and actually start saving more.

I'm usually off Wednesdays but am picking up a few extra hours today.  We're short staffed right now, and I volunteered.  The extra moo-lah can't hurt.

After work, I'm coming home to soak up some more sun.  The tan is actually coming along pretty well.  I have a free outdoor chaise lounge thing on the way soon too.  No more laying on the brick patio.

Boxes are starting to take over the house.  The bf has started packing a few things, and I'm about to.  It's so weird.  I'm moving out at the beginning of the last month of our lease and he said, "So you'll be out and I'm gonna be stuck with all the cleaning, huh?" after I'd said several times before that I'd be back to clean and that I personally would shampoo all the carpet.  I hate how he does that.

He's been extra standoffish the past few days, although he was sweet this morning and even made extra coffee for me.  I guess he gets in his moods too.  I do care about him, but I am very much looking forward to not worrying about what a man is thinking all the time.  It's exhausting and emotionally draining.

Emotionally, I'm feeling a little better than I was in the last post.  It's crazy how it comes and goes.  I got a voice mail yesterday from the place in Memphis where I did the clinical trials for anti-depressants.  The guy said they're just checking in to see how I'm doing, and I thought that I really don't know how I would answer that.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer.  I'll be living with one of my best friends, which will be good.  I'll have plenty of time in my new house to myself since she usually spends 3-4 nights a week with her boyfriend.  I have no real plans but reading, sun soaking, hitting the gym and maybe taking up knitting again.  I have no interest in following patterns, but I do like the act of creating something with my hands.  My plan is to make a bunch of scarves and donate them this winter.

So, yeah.  That's what's going on right now.  Time to get ready for work.

Updates and Such

I decided to get out of town this past weekend.  Went to visit a friend in Raleigh, and we had a good time.  Got some exercise, drank some wine.  It was much needed.  I got home Sunday afternoon, and the boyfriend and I had a really good evening together.  Monday was pretty awesome too

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago!  I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares.  But I really like it!  I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great.  I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight.  I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there.  I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it.  Excited to go again tonight.  More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.

Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast".  I miss her!  I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow.  This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place.  Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car.  Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now.  The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him.  I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.

I think that's all my updates for now.