I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

A Liar and A Cheater

He did cheat on me.  He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically.  Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local.  It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends.  He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.

I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it."  So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March.  Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.

He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery.  I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work.  Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends.  I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.

I feel so stupid.  "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs.  If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them.  Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is.  I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions.  I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me.  All that being said though, I really did love him.

When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me.  I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately.  He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat.  Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater.  All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth.  I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.

He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore.  I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all.  I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone.  Time for yet another fresh start.

More Progress

My current horoscope from Real Detroit Weekly:

"Now that the pressure is off you're beginning to pop back into a reality structure that has as much room for you as it does for everything else. The short form on that would be: you're returning to the place where you have room to breathe. The creative spark has yet to be lit on the flame that lights the way to the next thing. At this point your main task concerns the need to be human. Sunlight, water, and enough earth under your feet to keep you grounded; combine these with the things that give you joy and that's where your heart needs to go for the next two or three weeks." 

Once again, this seems spot on.  Crazy.

The Sunday play date with the ex threw me off for a day or so.  We had a fantastic afternoon... we drank, had dinner, had sex and he was more affectionate than ever before.  I guess the absence made his heart a little fonder.  It was a great time.  Then he got drunk and did the woe-is-me thing.  Somehow we got on the topic of kids, and I asked him flat out about it, but he said he thinks his ship has sailed for that.  He was saying how he's got nothing to offer anyone and will be alone forever.  I honestly didn't know what to say to him, but I felt awful.  I felt after the great afternoon we'd had that maybe we could work it out down the line.  But I keep telling myself that that's probably not the case and that I need to move on.

So I've focused on the house.  I had my sister over Monday evening for my first full home-cooked meal in the new place.  Last night I hung up a towel rack and spackled some walls.  Today I finally hung up my pictures and artwork, which really do make it feel more like I belong here now.  I broke out the lawn mower again and used my new weed eater for the first time this afternoon.  Then I was stupid and started to dig a huge hole in the yard for the pup's new mini septic tank thingy in 90-degree weather.  I kept hitting rocks and roots which made it very difficult.  I lost my shade about halfway down and am now waiting for it to cool off to finish the tiresome digging.

I'm exhausted.  But I finally got Internet today (yay!) and am now taking full advantage of it.  Tonight, the roommie and I are planning on cooking our first dinner together since moving in, but she's currently on the phone with her boyfriend discussing important issues that may determine if they stay together or not.  Awkward.  I hope they work it out but I hope they do it fast.  I'm really hungry.

Appropriate

Back in high school I was somewhat into astrology.  My interest waned not long after I graduated, and I stopped regularly reading my horoscope for a long time.  About a year ago I heard about Real Detroit Weekly's.  I'm not sure if I actually believe in it, but theirs seems to be strangely in tune with and appropriate for whatever is going on in my life a good portion of the time.  I just read this this evening...

"You wanted this. Now it's your job to figure out how to deal with the choices you've made. Living with the consequences of our actions requires us to own up to both our mistakes and our selves. You may not be clear enough about who you are and what you're doing to take this on at the moment – but if you're willing to take it one step at a time you'll be able to find enough of yourself in it to make it worth continuing. For the time being try to live with this plan of yours. The proof is in the pudding; if it's working the evidence will be right there in front of you." - Real Detroit Weekly

Exactly what I needed to hear.

Splurging

That's what I've been doing lately.  The month of May brings three paydays which means a little extra cash, and I've been using that for some new things for the house.  It sounds materialistic and stupid, but I'm so freakin excited about all this new stuff.  The thing is, I never buy new stuff anymore.  I have one pair of jeans and maybe three shirts right now.  I'm in my work scrubs (which I haven't bought new ones in well over a year) almost all the time and only put on real clothes maybe once a week, if that, and can never seem to justify new clothes shopping.  Anytime I want anything new I usually talk myself out of it because I don't really need it and I could put the money towards debt.

But I've allowed myself to buy some new things for the house.  Most of them really are practical things that I'll need, but feel exciting because they're brand spanking new.  Things like a new coffee maker, a mattress cover and a weed whacker.  And some pretty shower curtain hooks and a beautiful, expensive looking (even though it really wasn't) soft, linen shower curtain liner.  And a wireless router.  Boring stuff, but I can't wait to break them out of their packages and set them up in the new place.

Two big things I did buy just because I wanted them though.  The first is a pair of bar stools for the soon-to-be-mine breakfast bar...

The second is a beautiful comforter set that I've been eying for a year and a half but could never let myself get before now...

Everything was bought online and has arrived except the second beauty, which is expected today.

My wonderful mother actually bought me something new too...

A brand new couch!  It's not the prettiest thing, as it looks like it's been sitting as a floor model for quite awhile, but it was 75% off and matches a chair I've already got.  I haven't had a couch of my own for a long time and am very excited to have some actual seating options in the new place!

New stuff for a new house and hopefully a new start once more.  It's gonna be good.

Three Weeks

Exactly three weeks from this very moment I will be sipping coffee on the first morning in my new house.  I will have closed on it two days before, moved in to it the day before and will be starting to settle in my home.  All that being said, I really should start packing.

This will be the seventh move I've made in the past five years and hopefully the last one for a very long time.  I've moved so much I think I've gotten the whole packing thing down to a science and don't really stress about it too much.  Thus, I tend to procrastinate.

Maybe I'll get a start today and get a good amount done.  Maybe it'll help to take my mind off the day.

Vacation Part 2

I just got back from a heavenly event... my first professional massage.  I got a neck, shoulder and back massage with a scalp enhancement and I feel like I'm still floating.  She worked out so many kinks and knots.  I could get used to that.

Back to the story...  I arrived in Charlotte still feeling a little emotionally raw, which was the perfect state to be in to meet my new "nephew".  He's about 11 weeks old and is amazing.  Apparently the male side of his dad's family have similar faces when they're babies, and he looks a lot like his uncle.  I caught up with his mom, my best friend, while he snoozed and then got to hold him for the first time when he woke up.  He smiled at me.  A lot.  I won't lie, I cried.  Just a few tears, but still.  My very best friend in the whole world's little one... it was amazing.  She is so happy, and motherhood really suits her.  A few of those tears were total jealousy, but I think I played them off.

Her hubby arrived home a while later, and we all went out for dinner (more sushi!... I never get tired of it).  We had a How I Met Your Mother marathon while we chatted and played with the baby that evening.  The next day we made breakfast, went out for errands including Babies R Us (I stayed on the Toys R Us side where I tried on a pink spiky bicycle helmet and totally embarrassed myself in front of one of the employees... my face was bright red!) then out for lunch (chicken and waffles!!) and a few more errands.  It was perfectly boring and I didn't have to think about a thing about life.  I wandered as they shopped and kept the baby entertained in the car.  It sounds dreadfully boring, but I actually enjoyed it.  It was just nice to be out of my routine life.  We got food to cook for dinner and I picked up some...

I love Leinie's but had never had this kind before and figured I'd give it a shot... pretty good and I'm actually drinking another right now!

We finished the evening with a movie and headed to bed.  That night I drifted off to sleep to the wind chimes outside the window and awoke to them the next morning... it was just lovely.  Her hubby was up and out early, leaving us time to really get to talk.  We talked about life and love and high school and regrets and the future.  I miss her.  I started on the five-hour trek home around one and got all my loud and reckless singing in.  It was fantastic!  Even with all the road construction, slower speeds and "One Lane Road Ahead"s.

I arrived home to no boyfriend, but happy to see me pets.  I unpacked and caught up on other emails.  The boyfriend got home from work around nine and didn't show much enthusiasm to see me.  Although he doesn't show much emotion anyway lately, so can't win em all I guess.  We watched the finale to The Walking Dead and headed to bed.

I'm off of work until Monday and am enjoying being home.  The dogs are happily playing and the cat is snoozing in the little bit of sun we have shining through the windows today.  Time for a movie maybe.

Tick Tock

I think I have a girl crush on this chick right here.  She's a strong lady battling endo whose blog I ran across a couple of years ago while immersing myself (well, more like reading and observing) in the online TTC community.  Earlier this year I fell behind in my blog reading and have been catching up on hers lately, although I'm only up to August right now.

Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be.  While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her.  She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.

There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way.  And so does that damn ticking clock!  I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing.  I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.

The fear I'm currently working on.  I'm getting out and doing more things.  I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better.  But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.

Hence the snooze button.

30 Days

I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.

I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?

It certainly can't hurt to try.

New and Old

Trying out this mobile app, so please bear with me...

I think things with the boy have run their course, and we're back to being strictly friends. No more benefiting. I'm actually feeling kinda glad about it. He helped me through the rough parts, and I feel more confident now. I feel like that "need" to have someone there isn't as strong. I'm not hiding behind whatever it was we had and am more open to a real relationship if someone should come along. If it doesn't happen for awhile, that's okay. I have great friends and family all around and there for me. And a vibrator... it'll take care of the rest.

Bullet Points

I'm pretty excited right now!  Got my taxes done last night and am getting a good chunk of change back.  Enough to pay most of my car loan off so I'll only have a few more payments before it's totally mine.  Once that's done, I can put more towards my credit card and actually make some progress with it.  Then I can start saving for a down payment because...

I'm really considering buying a house again now.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  This town is home, and I have no desire to move again any time soon.  My last mortgage was cheaper than what I'm paying for rent now, plus I can get approved for more than I did last time because I'm making more.  Not a whole lot, but every little bit helps.

I'm seeing the boy tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks I think.  I got the flu, then we both got busy and tonight is the first we'll be hanging out in what seems like a really long time.  I've kinda missed him.  It should be a mellow night... Chinese and a movie at his place.  My pachingo feels sorta broken right now, so nothing along those lines will be happening.  Thanks endo.

Work's been going fantastically.  My boss has been gone for a little while, and I've been holding the fort down.  I love how I know almost everything about that business.  I certainly should by now... started working there nine freakin years ago.  I was walking around last week, and it hit me how much I enjoy my job.  The people can be trying at times, but for the most part we're all simpatico.  Most of our clients are "regulars" and seem to appreciate that we know them and their pets so well.  Plus I get to love on their pets all day, and what's better than that?

Gotta go get ready for all that puppy lovin now.  :)

Will the mourning process ever end?

I really, really miss the ex right now.  Maybe just because I've been immersed in things directly and indirectly related to him lately.  I've had my wedding gown for sale for awhile, but I went through our wedding pictures recently to get some of me in it to better show how it fits.  That brought back a ton of memories.  Yesterday I took pictures of my wedding band to put online, and this week I'm putting my engagement ring in an estate jewelry consignment store.  Yesterday afternoon I went over to the new boy's house to watch football and have a few beers.  We ended up getting pizza and wings just like the ex and our old roommate would on weekends.  I got really sad.  I really missed it.  Even as I was sitting with the boy.

I miss how the ex would put his culinary degree to work and come up with the most delicious creations.  I really miss the ribs he made.  I miss making breakfast for him in the morning.  I miss how excited we'd be to see each other after he'd worked a 48-hour shift.  I miss the notes we used to leave for each other.  I miss him genuinely smiling at me.  I miss that feeling of security with him and knowing that I had found my true love.  I miss him telling me how he wanted to have a family with me.  I miss the promise of the future we were going to have together.

I don't miss being in Mississippi.  I don't miss the insecurity I felt when I was there.  I don't miss being able to feel the distance growing between us.  I don't miss how we'd tiptoe around each other.  I don't miss the wondering why in the hell he wouldn't have sex with me. 

I like how I feel about myself now.  I like how I've learned about myself and others and have opened up to the world more.  I like how I've done things I never thought I'd be able to.  And to be shallow, I really like the feeling of having several guys interested in me.  I like feeling sexy again.  And I really like having sex again.

Everything else is just going to take more time.  Like always.

Love The Ones You're With

It seems crazy that people I met only three months ago have turned into better friends than people I've known for years.  My roommate, the girls at work, some of the random people I've met through them.  I already feel more connected to them than others I've known much, much longer.  We talk about more personal things, we make plans and follow through with them.  We really enjoy each others' company.

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm finally comfortable enough with myself to allow other people in.  Maybe I'm finally starting to develop this skill that it seems like everyone else has had forever.  Maybe I'm finally growing up.

Whatever it is, it feels good.

Can't Buy Me Love

(Good movie, btw)

I'm selling my wedding dress.  My dream wedding dress.  And my engagement ring.  My grandmother's ring.  Both are very beautiful and mean a lot to me, but I need to let them go.  Emotionally I haven't been ready until now.  The decision about the dress wasn't quite as difficult as the one with the ring.  The dress is totally replaceable.  I look forward to finding a new dream dress for the next time.

The ring is different though.  It was an anniversary gift from my grandfather to grandmother years ago, and she left it to me when she passed.  They were both jewelers and she had many beautiful pieces.  This ring is an enormous rock and as much as I love it, I've always felt awkward wearing it.  Even if I put the stone into another setting, I would probably never wear it again and it would just sit in the bank.  Grandma wouldn't want that.

If I sell it, I could pay off all of my debts and actually be able to start saving for the future.  I could pay back my mom.  I could start a retirement account.  I could actually have more than twenty dollars left from each paycheck to pay for food and gas for the following two weeks.  I could eat more than pasta and yogurt.  I could start saving for a laparoscopy if I end up needing one down the line.

I want a family now more than ever.  I see all my friends with their beautiful children and I get heartsick.  Not so much for what I lost anymore, but that yearning still for what I've always wanted.  I thought it would have happened by now, and not to say that I'm old, but I am getting older and now is the best time to do it.  So I'm using that as a motivator.

Suddenly I See

I wasn't myself.  For a long time.  I'm wondering if I ever really knew who I was to begin with.  I knew I had a job and not a career.  I never really wanted a career.  I wanted to get married and have a family.  I was passing the time until that happened.

Then he found me.  Then I fell in love with him.  I thought he was all I would ever need.  He was the man I would spend the rest of my life being happy with, and together we would have a beautiful family.  Then we moved away from everything I knew.  Family, friends, my job.  And I was absolutely fine with it.  I'd always wanted to leave, and that was the perfect opportunity.  Besides, as long as I had him I was set.

Then the depression and anxiety that were always in the background came forward.  And they fed off of each other and just got worse.  I should have gotten help.  Whoever I was, if that was anyone at all, I lost her.  But it was okay, because I had him.  So I clung to him.  Too tightly.  And that pushed him away.  In my mind I knew what I was doing was bad for the relationship, but I just couldn't help it.  I wanted him to fill the emptiness I'd felt my entire life.  I wanted him to not want anything other than to be my everything.

As he was ending it all, I told him that he was my everything.  He said that that was wrong.  That I should be my everything.  I told him that was total bullshit.  And I believed it.  I still do.  But now, I see how I did need more than him.  I see how he needed more than I could offer at the time.  I'm still upset that he completely bailed on our vows and commitment to each other, but I guess I see part of his side a little more.

This has been an incredibly hard learning experience.  I keep wondering if I'm really growing or if the anti-depressants have just helped to calm me.  Since I started taking them, I almost feel like a completely different person.  The anxiety isn't as persistent.  The depression isn't always lurking.

I'd always felt like a basket case.  I'd always felt like there was something wrong with me, even though I didn't totally know what it was.  All that's not completely gone, but for the most part I really don't feel that way about myself anymore.  I almost feel good.  I do feel hopeful.  Well, right now anyways.

Gatherings

I'm a little nervous for Saturday.  My preggo road-tripping friend is having a baby shower thrown by one of her sisters.  She's the first really close friend to get knocked up since I'd been TTC, and it's been hard to see her belly grow week by week and hear her tales through this surprise pregnancy.  Their family invited me to dinner the other night, and I almost teared up a few times.  I got them under control, but it's got me a little worried about the shower.

Luckily though, I'll have something else for my mind to wander to if it gets to be too much.  Right after the shower is the housewarming party for my roommate and me to break in our new residence!  Friends, food, drinks... it'll be going on all night, and I'm so looking forward to hanging out and unwinding some!

It's been so nice to live with and see a good friend everyday.  We only just met a bit ago, but everything is working out so great and it feels like we've known each other forever.  Same with work kind of... it's like working with friends most of the time.  I'm loving things right now. :)

I will...

This week I move into my new house.  This is going to be my fresh start.

I will be a new woman.  I will no longer second guess myself.  I will no longer question if I could or would have done anything differently.  I will stop believing I wasn't good enough.  I will stop lingering in the past. 

I will look ahead.  I will reaffirm to myself every day until I thoroughly believe it that I do have something to offer.  That I do my best to be a good person and that I will be happy again.  That I will love again.  That I will trust again.

Because I will.

Fingers Crossed!

The new roommate and I put in an application for the perfect house today!  The house I mentioned a couple of days ago was actually perfect house #2 because really perfect house #1 had already been rented.  Buuuttt.... that person's new job fell through so it was offered to us!  It's literally three doors down from the other and is the exact same size and layout, but has a much larger fenced back yard and is on a cul-de-sac.  I think I'm in love!

So, yeah, if all goes well and it gets approved, we move in July 1st!  We're having a meeting of my dog and her cats tomorrow.  My dog grew up with my cat and sometimes I think he thinks he is a cat, so I'm not worried.  We're going to get lunch after that and take him to the dog park.  He's going to love getting out of the kennel for a little while.  Can't wait to take him HOME!

New awesome roommate and I are already planning the layout of furniture and putting together a house warming party!  I absolutely cannot wait.  I think it's going to be a great fresh start. :)