I can't believe it's 2019

I'm back.  We'll see how long it lasts this time, right?  Over a year since I've written... geez.

A brief chronological summary since we last spoke...
- The boyfriend and I are great and are planning marriage and kids.
- My biological father passed away.
- Endometriosis is back.
- Went on keto diet and lost a lot of weight.
- We bought a new house so we could all live together.
- Sold my house very quickly and renting out stepdad's house.
- Vacationed in Turks & Caicos... damn it was beautiful.
- Stepdad died a little before Christmas.

Damn.

Okay, that's about all I can muster for now.  Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.

Not Pregnant

I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative.  Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative.  I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight.  Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying.  The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor.  Fucking awesome.

I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me.  He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive.  He really has been amazing through all of this.  We just had the best long weekend together.  We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo.  We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner.  I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.

I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm scared the endo is back.

Staycation Ramblings

The hurricane did a little damage.  The wind knocked some large tree limbs down, one of which took out a section of fence in my back yard.  Somehow it went down in one piece without any of the wood actually breaking, and it didn't take much for wonderful boyfriend and me to prop it up and nail it back in place.  I borrowed my parents tiny electric chainsaw to chop up the massive limbs, and some kind neighbors helped me drag it all out to the road.  It caused a lot of terrible flooding all over the region, but I was lucky not to have been affected.

The boy and I are still doing very well.  We see each other all the time and still get along wonderfully.  He just got back from a trip across the state to visit family.  I won't lie, I got a little nervous.  When the last boyfriend cheated on me, it was during a trip he took home, and that still affects me apparently.  But I trust him and really don't see him as the cheating type.  He's also been cheated on and knows how it feels, so hopefully he wouldn't ever.  I hate that I still worry about that.

I'm currently on vacation from work, and it's mostly a staycation.  The majority of the week I'm planning on just chilling at home and around town.  I'm doing laundry now (exciting) and will see the boy tonight.  Later this week and weekend he and I are going to a beach house some of his friends are gathering at.  He said there would be lots of just hanging out, drinking and smoking, so it should be relaxing.  If it gets too much for me, I'll be prepared with wine, a book, and a hoodie to chill on the beach.

I want the boy to meet my people.  I want to introduce him to my parents and show him off to friends, but I worry it's too soon.  I really want to make sure he's going to stick around for awhile before I do.  I'm very much hoping to have him to spend the fall/winter and holidays with.  They're so much more magical when you've got a special someone to share them with.

Dating is Hard

I ended things with the new guy today.  It had been two weeks since I'd seen him last, and I had been looking forward to spending time with him again.  I've been on vacation this week, and after traveling around the state to visit friends I drove to see him yesterday.  Immediately upon seeing him I felt nothing.  We spent the afternoon together watching movies and walking along the beach.  We had dinner and fell asleep watching a movie.  It was nice to feel arms around me again, but it didn't trigger anything inside me.  He's not the one, and I woke up early stressing about how I would break it to him.

We were supposed to spend today together too, but I didn't want to draw out the inevitable.  When he woke up I just told him.  Gently.  And he was awesome about it.  He didn't understand, but thanked me for being honest.  I got my things together and prepared to leave.  He hugged me tightly and drew it out.  I wondered if I'd been too hasty with my decision, but I know I wasn't.  I should have been feeling more by now if he was the right one.  We never really had things to talk about, and I don't think our personalities would have meshed well together long term.  I know I did the right thing, but I feel so crappy.

I'm home now and am regrouping.  Unpacking, doing laundry and such.  Tomorrow my mother and I are having a girls day.  Friday I've got to take my car in.  Had some issues on the drive, and luckily a friend was able to temporarily fix it so I could continue my trip.  The weekend holds a surprise birthday party for a friend.  So I'll be staying busy.

Off

All week I've been kinda off.  Not my usual self.  I've been hurting a lot since the EndoMarch and I'm wondering if that's contributing to it.  About halfway through the Call to Action ceremony my left ovary and sciatic nerve started throbbing and didn't stop for... well, tomorrow will be a week, and it's still on and off.  I'm guessing it was from all the extra walking and spending four to five hours in frigid weather.  They've both been hurting a little every day for the past few months, but it's just ridiculous now!  And terribly aggravating.  The trip back from DC was torturous.

I went back to work Monday and found several changes had taken place last week.  Shit always seems to go down whenever I go on vacation, and I just don't get why.  It's always fun to try to guess what I'll be walking back into.  This time it could lead to some really serious changes which could affect my future there.  I think that's adding to the stress.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I got into a... I don't even know what to call it.  It wasn't a fight, wasn't really a misunderstanding.  He called me out on a sore subject, and the way he did it really hurt my feelings.  It all made me wonder about our future, and I hate that.  I hate that I can't let myself fully let go in a relationship now and have that feeling that no matter what is said or done, that we'll get through it.  Maybe that's always going to be how it is for me now.  Maybe doing so back then was just me being naive.  Either way, I miss that feeling.  He and I are fine now, but I'm always off for a bit after incidents like that.

All of these plus some other small things from my trip last week, I think, are contributing to my unease lately.  I've got that nervous, queasy feeling all the time and I don't know how to shake it.  I've always had a nervous stomach and I hate when stress and apprehension manifest themselves in that way.  I could use another vacation just to chill the eff out.

Day One in Washington

This is the tale of the inevitable embarrassment of a Southern girl all alone in the big city.

We start with parking.  The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad.  It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic.  My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away.  I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians.  The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time!  Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel.  Which had a valet.  Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it.  He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?"  Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.

So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage.  Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door.  Yes, yes I am.  "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?"  Yes, yes I do.  "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road.  I looked at him kind of dumbfounded.  "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me.  I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not.  "Yes, yes!  Go get your car!"  We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed.  I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.

"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?"  No, that's quite alright.  Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you!  I was just trying to save you some money!  That's a few gallons of gas!"  Yeah, I know buddy.  Thanks for watching my bag.  So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked.  I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?"  Yes, yes I do.  I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.

Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while.  I noticed I looked a little out of place.  It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket.  I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up.  They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots.  I got some weird looks.

When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it.  I was determined to get sushi!  Until I didn't.  They were closed.  I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting.  So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone.  It was strange.  I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour.  Eh, whatever.

I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break.  No biggie.  When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate.  I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no.  He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times.  I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it.  I stared him down, and he finally came over.  "You want another drink?"  No, no thanks.  I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.

I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way.  As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes.  I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself.  Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."

Awesome.

And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it.  I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...

Yeah....  Not quite what I was expecting.  The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks.  This was the vent for the air...

Had never seen that before.  The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator.  In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.  

I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses.  In a plastic hotel cup.  Classy.  Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...

This is still a mostly anonymous blog,
so please don't mind the blackout, haha ;)

I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!

And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.

♪ Breakdown... go ahead and give it to me! ♫

A little Tom Petty to start your morning.

I have been on vacation from work going on 72 hours now.  It's been busy so far, but now I'm... aaaaahhhh.  That was a relaxing one, not a screaming one.  I'm sipping coffee now catching up on some internet stuff.  This is the first time I've slowed down since being released at noon on Saturday.

Got out of work and had a nice couple come over to look at my old wedding dress I've been trying to sell for years.  She tried it on and said she'd get back to me.  I headed to visit my parents like I do every Saturday afternoon.  Ended up using a chainsaw for the first time to chop down and up a small tree that had fallen in their yard.  I was all "I am kayak, hear me roar" again, but my step-dad pointed out that I'm working for that canoe.  Yes, yes I am.   And I'm okay with that.  :)

After leaving their house, I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription of birth control, my miracle pain management drug, with my spiffy new insurance.  It went from $75 for a three-month supply to absolutely nothing.  Zilch, zero, nada.  The lady checking me out said, "Well, that's a big difference" as she just handed me the bag.  I was all.... huh??  This is the first time I've had insurance in a very long time, and I really didn't know if there would be a copay or what, so I was floored when she told me it didn't cost me anything.  So awesome!  And very helpful.  I'm very thankful.

Saturday evening I headed to the boyfriend's house and we had a nice dinner.  Sunday we went on the hunt for yellow shoelaces for my Chucks for the EndoMarch, but could not find any anywhere.  We must have looked in five different shoe stores.  They had neon yellow, but not regular old yellow.  Ended up buying ten feet of parachute (not sure if that was the brand or what it was) cord and cutting it down to size.  Whatever works.

Went back to his place and played with the dogs in the back yard for a long time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw a gorgeous bald eagle floating and soaring in the wind above us.  I haven't seen one since I was very young and lived more inland.  I've never seen one here before.  It was amazing.

Yesterday, well, I guess I slowed down in the morning.  I was a bum.  Then I met my parents for an early dinner at a local seafood restaurant they've been wanting to try.  It was yummy.  Then I attempted to buy jeans.  Yeah, that never works.  Nothing ever fits right.  So I took myself to Michael's and bought a yellow hat and iron on decals for the EndoMarch.  We'll see how that goes today.

Last night I babysat my two nieces for a bit while her mother went to teach a yoga class.  It tried my patience a little, but I'm proud to say I came out with a win.  Not bad for my first time babysitting two youngins!  When my sis returned home, we did our weekly dinner and watched the newest Grey's Anatomy.  That's our show, yo. 

Tonight I'm attending my first FB virtual party.  It's for Jamberry Nails.  I love nail stuff, so should be interesting.  Maybe I'll win a little something.

This recap has been interesting stuff, I know.  Hehe.  Anyways, I'm off to officially start my day of prep for traveling to DC tomorrow and for the EndoMarch Thursday... but that's another post.  :)

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 7 - Three Weeks Away!

The topic for this week:  The Endomarch is three weeks away….How are you feeling about going? What are you most looking forward to/most nervous about!

The closer this event gets, the more excited I get!  They announced recently that Sheryl Crow will be performing, which is just amazing.  Hopefully having a big name celebrity will draw in more press and lead to more awareness.  I've already seen a few articles online talking about her involvement in the event and some info on endo, so yay!  Plus a free concert!  There's also an actress with endo lined up to be there, so there's some more press.  Pretty sweet.

I'm looking forward to being around my endo sisters.  I get so nervous in big crowds and I'm not sure I'll actually engage with a lot of people, but I am happily anticipating being around people who get it.  People who have been through what I have and know the kind of regular pain I've experienced.  Families who have supported their daughters/sisters/wives/mothers with the disease. 

I'm excited to hear everyone's stories.  I want to hear what the leading professionals in the field have to say.  I hope someone from the doctors office I want to go to for excision surgery will be there speaking.  I'm excited to see footage of the other marches from across the globe.  I'm thankful I have the opportunity to participate in something so big and important.

I won't lie... I'm also pretty stoked for the time off and away.  I'm taking a week of vacation from work, and it's much needed.  Gonna relax for a few days before the trip and am gonna visit a friend on the way back.  Thinking of hitting up an awesome sushi restaurant and a museum or two while I'm in DC also.  It should be full of all around goodness.

 http://www.millionwomenmarch2014.org/

Vacation

My week of vacation is approaching its end.  The first part was absolutely amazing.  Friday I drove to Raleigh and stayed the night with a "sister".  We stayed in and up late just talking.  It was so nice.  Saturday morning we went out to breakfast, then I made my way to Charlotte.  Another sis and I went out to dinner then to see Matt Nathanson in concert.  I'd been trying to see that man for years and had the best time!  Even got a few decent pics...

Sunday we slept in and went out for breakfast with her baby, hubs and some in-laws.  I played with the baby all afternoon and then we had a fabulous dinner.  Monday morning they went to work, and I slept in a little.  I was headed back to Raleigh to stay with that sister again, but she didn't get home from work until sixish, so I had some time to kill in Charlotte.  Of course I went to IKEA!  Spent quite a few hours walking around and managed to get out of there with some good stuff and only thirty dollars lighter.

The drive back to Raleigh was spent singing very loudly and badly to Nathanson albums (I'm only a little obsessed with his music, that's all) and went by quickly.  That night we went downtown to a great sushi place and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  The next morning I woke up feeling like crap... I picked up the cold that the baby had.  The drive home was not fun.  I got back and crashed, then went to the boyfriend's house for the night.  Woke up to this...

A-d-o-r-a-b-l-e

Got another cute pic later that morning...

Yes, I am quite obsessed with my dogs! :)

The rest of the week has been spent mostly resting and trying to get over this damned cold!  Bleh!

Vacation Part 3

I had a wonderful day with the boyfriend yesterday.  It was probably the best we've had since not long after we moved in together.  We woke up and made breakfast...

French toast, well done... can't take the soggy stuff!

...and had a nice leisurely morning.  Around lunchtime we went to grab a bite to eat and a couple of beers.  Afterward we took advantage of the beautiful day, walked around downtown and by the waterfront.

Art installation by the water

Beautiful older home downtown

We then did a little shopping and went home to sit outside and play with the dogs.  We drank a few beers and talked as I kicked his ass at some Tiger Woods on the PlayStation.  We took the dogs for an evening stroll, came home, cooked dinner and actually ate at the table instead of in front of the TV... it was nice.  Finished the evening with some Game of Thrones then fell asleep to Star Wars.

Nothing fancy, but it was a wonderful last day of vacation.

Vacation Part 2

I just got back from a heavenly event... my first professional massage.  I got a neck, shoulder and back massage with a scalp enhancement and I feel like I'm still floating.  She worked out so many kinks and knots.  I could get used to that.

Back to the story...  I arrived in Charlotte still feeling a little emotionally raw, which was the perfect state to be in to meet my new "nephew".  He's about 11 weeks old and is amazing.  Apparently the male side of his dad's family have similar faces when they're babies, and he looks a lot like his uncle.  I caught up with his mom, my best friend, while he snoozed and then got to hold him for the first time when he woke up.  He smiled at me.  A lot.  I won't lie, I cried.  Just a few tears, but still.  My very best friend in the whole world's little one... it was amazing.  She is so happy, and motherhood really suits her.  A few of those tears were total jealousy, but I think I played them off.

Her hubby arrived home a while later, and we all went out for dinner (more sushi!... I never get tired of it).  We had a How I Met Your Mother marathon while we chatted and played with the baby that evening.  The next day we made breakfast, went out for errands including Babies R Us (I stayed on the Toys R Us side where I tried on a pink spiky bicycle helmet and totally embarrassed myself in front of one of the employees... my face was bright red!) then out for lunch (chicken and waffles!!) and a few more errands.  It was perfectly boring and I didn't have to think about a thing about life.  I wandered as they shopped and kept the baby entertained in the car.  It sounds dreadfully boring, but I actually enjoyed it.  It was just nice to be out of my routine life.  We got food to cook for dinner and I picked up some...

I love Leinie's but had never had this kind before and figured I'd give it a shot... pretty good and I'm actually drinking another right now!

We finished the evening with a movie and headed to bed.  That night I drifted off to sleep to the wind chimes outside the window and awoke to them the next morning... it was just lovely.  Her hubby was up and out early, leaving us time to really get to talk.  We talked about life and love and high school and regrets and the future.  I miss her.  I started on the five-hour trek home around one and got all my loud and reckless singing in.  It was fantastic!  Even with all the road construction, slower speeds and "One Lane Road Ahead"s.

I arrived home to no boyfriend, but happy to see me pets.  I unpacked and caught up on other emails.  The boyfriend got home from work around nine and didn't show much enthusiasm to see me.  Although he doesn't show much emotion anyway lately, so can't win em all I guess.  We watched the finale to The Walking Dead and headed to bed.

I'm off of work until Monday and am enjoying being home.  The dogs are happily playing and the cat is snoozing in the little bit of sun we have shining through the windows today.  Time for a movie maybe.

Vacation Part 1

I got back from my little vacation yesterday evening.  It was very nice, but also emotional at times.  It started out by heading to Raleigh to meet up for sushi with past/future awesome roommate who happened to be there for the weekend.  We caught up and discussed everything under the sun, as usual.  I then headed to a friend's house to visit and spend the night.  We shopped for wine then went the the very top floor of her work building where she made us delicious coffee.  We sat to chat and watched a storm roll in...

...and then leave behind a beautiful sky once it passed.

We headed back to her place when it got dark to make dinner with her hubby and ended up talking and drinking until midnight.  The next morning she and I went to breakfast and talked more.  There's always a lot to catch up on when you only see each other a few times a year.

Afterward I got in my car and was getting music and such set up for the next stretch of driving to Charlotte.  I always look forward to cranking the music and singing very loudly and badly... that's why I love road trips.  I was just about situated when my phone alerted me to a new email, and I figured I'd check it before I hit the road.  It was from my former father-in-law.  I was pretty shocked because I hadn't heard from him in almost two years and wasn't really sure why he would be contacting me.

Things between he and I ended kinda weird.  I had emailed him when the ex and I were separated to kind of tell my side of things.  I said the ex and I both had our problems, but he was the one to end the relationship while I still wanted to try to work it out.  Apparently that's not what he had heard.  Anyways, I had emailed him back saying if he had anything negative to say that I didn't want to hear it.  I was still hurting and every day was a struggle.  He simply replied that that was fair, so I assumed he'd had some not so great things to say to me.  And that was the last I'd heard from him two years ago.

Against my better judgement I read his new email right then.  In it he said he'd been talking to his wife and discussing their children and prayers.  He wanted me to know that they still include me in their prayers and "still have good feelings" towards me and my parents.  And that he thought I'd like to know that.

Right there in the breakfast diner parking lot, I lost it.  I thought I'd come to terms with his dad and had let him go, but he still affects me apparently.  At first I thought the message was pretty nice, but then I did the girl thing and over analyzed it.  All I could think was, "DAMN RIGHT you better still have good feelings towards me!  It was YOUR SON who gave up, broke his vows and my heart!!"  I kept wondering what it was that the ex actually told his father back then, and it was all I could do not to ask him right then and there.  I actually typed out the message to the ex but ended up deleting it.  I told myself it would do absolutely no good and wouldn't change anything, so there was no point.  I've just got to accept it, come to terms with it and let it go.  I did the best I could do at the time with that situation, and now I've got to drop it.  (After I vent about it here of course.)

I am now with a cooler head choosing to believe that his message really was him trying to reach out with kindness.  At his core, I do believe that's who he is even though we didn't always see eye to eye.  I replied to him later that day with "I appreciate that and hope you and your family are well."

Anyways, the first part of my drive was full of tears and very little singing.  Every song took me right back there, and it's hard to sing and let go of your worries with a cracked voice.  It didn't help that there was road construction going on almost the entire drive... not conducive to any of it.

That was half the journey.  The second half will have to wait because it's time to get ready for my professional massages now!  :)

Three Weeks!

Wow!  Once again, crazy long time.  How ya been?

Lots has been going on since we last spoke.  Broke up with the boyfriend and got back with the boyfriend after an entire night of talking it all out.  I jumped the gun a little there... I'm not the best at verbal communication.  We're doing really well now though.  It's kinda been like when we first got together again, which has been very nice.  I'm working on talking about things, and he's been trying to open up more too.

Took a lovely vacation with the boyfriend last week and saw NYC for the first time.  So many people said it would be overwhelming for me, but it really wasn't.  It seemed like any other city, and I guess I just wasn't that impressed.  Guess I like being a country girl.  Everyone said my feet would be dead by the end of the day too because I was walking through the city in flip-flops... don't they know I'd be barefoot all the time if I could?  But when I can't be, flip-flops can take me anywhere!

The rest of our time was spent in New Jersey, a state I had never wished to visit.  But we were in the northern mountainous part of it which was really lovely.  We stayed with a couple of his friends who are trendy hippies, kinda.  Of course I loved them!  They had a huge party one night, and I met a bunch of great people.  Met his sister and four nieces... they were pretty wonderful too.

I've ventured into the world of selling on eBay!  I've been buying for years, but never took the leap to sell.  It's actually been pretty fun.  I started with the Litter Kwitter and am now selling books and jewelry.  A good way to make a little bit of extra cash.  Which I totally need!  My "transfer your balances and get no interest for 12 months!" credit card is now in its 13th month, and the interest alone is over $100 a month!  Eeeeeek!  I thought for sure I would have made a bigger dent in my debt by now, but it just hasn't worked out that way.  I did pay off my car a couple of months ago though, so yay!  But... doctor bills, moving expenses, bigger utility bills due to more square footage... it all adds up, and I'm still in the negative each month.  Something's gotta give.

Still trying to sell my old engagement ring.  If I could, it would take away almost all the money stress.  It's been on eBay and all over the web for months, but no takers yet.  Had one offer, but it was crazy low, and I just couldn't do it.  Hopefully another one will come soon.

Okay, that's enough catching up for now I suppose.  I promise it won't be three weeks again next time!