This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

Of Love and Hope

I just wrote a FutureMe letter.  The first one in a long time.  I couldn't figure out why I hadn't really wanted to write any for a long while until the other day.  I got one from a much younger and naive version of myself.  She was happily married and had just started trying to get pregnant.  She was hopeful and spouted out all the cliche "it'll happen when it's meant to" and "there's always adoption if it doesn't".  What the hell was I thinking??  I hate when people say that to me now, haha.

I've gotten a few like that recently.  I wrote a lot of them back when I was married and so happy, spitting out positivity left and right.  No reason not to back then, but I won't lie... even today they're still a little hard to read.  I think I've been scared to write about how happy I am now and potentially cause pain to my future self should things with the boyfriend not work out.  Because as I've learned the hard way, no matter how certain you may think you are of something, it can all change very quickly.

We've been on and off for almost two years, and he's now the most important part of my life.  He and I actually had a big misunderstanding this past weekend, and for a few hours I thought we might be over.  Those hours of anger and disbelief absolutely killed me.  I did not want to imagine a life without him, but that was all I could think about.  I was so scared that I was going to have to go through all that hurt again.

So, I'm very happy to report that our misunderstanding was actually just that and not based on any kind of truth whatsoever.  We got through it very quickly once we were actually able to address the supposed issue, and once again we came out on the other side stronger and happier.  I love when that happens!

Over the past few weeks, we've been seriously thinking about and starting to plan our immediate (well, later this year) future.  He'll be moving back in with me this summer, which is when he hopefully will officially propose.  We're planning on getting married in late fall and taking a fabulous honeymoon to somewhere tropical.  And sometime after that should be the resurrection of what I call the two pink lines trek!  I haven't looked forward to anything this much in a very long time.  What a fantastic year this should be.

I'm so freakin excited!

I want to buy a house.

This is the one I've been eying recently...

103 years old with hardwood floors, a claw foot tub and updated wiring and plumbing.  Beautiful and in my price range because of a motivated seller.  I hope it's still available in a few months.  Realistically, it's probably not a good buy for me right now because of how old it really is and the maintenance costs it would have.  But I'm not going to buy another house unless it's one that I know I'd want to stay in for a long time, and this is the kind of house I want... old and charming.  I could buy a newer house, but I know I wouldn't be happy in it, and what's the point of that?

I'm so tired of renting.  Knowing I'll be moving again this summer and previously planning on renting once more, I've been saving up for that security deposit, pet deposit and first month's rent, which absolutely disgusts me because I know two of those three I will never see again.  I feel like I'm just throwing money away!  Why not put it all towards the lovely house you see above?  We'll see in June I suppose.

I Want This House

Isn't it beautiful?  I love the old bungalow/craftsman style houses and I can hear this one calling out my name.  It was built in 1913, has 2,900 square feet, has been renovated and fixed up all purdy like.  3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, 2 fireplaces!  Sigh...

It's in Nashville, TN, which is where we'll most likely be moving in a few months.  That is if the husband gets a job there.  We've also been looking at Portland, OR, and a couple of places in NC.  But we'd really like to go to Nashville. 

Anyways, this house seems (to me at least) to be priced crazy low... weird neighborhood maybe?  Not that we'll be looking (or could even afford) to buy again anytime soon, but I fell in love with this house as soon as I saw it.  Don't know why I was searching for houses for sale... maybe just to see what's available should we decide to settle down there.

I want to one day have a big house that our kids can bring their families back to for holidays and such with plenty of room for everyone plus more.  That would be so nice.  Until then we'll be renting and searching for that town to call home.  For now we're enjoying wandering around.

Welcome Autumn

I think the fall is a little bit magical. There’s something about the air getting a little crisper that gives me hope. The oppression of the thick summer air has gone and has been replaced with a freshness that makes me feel that anything is possible. This time of year always has a way of making me feel a little better inside, no matter what’s going on in life at the time. It feels like a new beginning, and I get excited about the future. When I picture that future now, I see it with children every time.

I see it with my children.

I see little ones in costumes hoping that the next house will give out the good candy. I see tall piles of leaves being scattered about as a belly flop lands right in the middle. I see a big family gathering around a really long table, passing down the mashed potatoes. I see trips to Grandma’s and knowing that she’s going to spoil like crazy. I see all of us sitting in pajamas at the foot of the Christmas tree gently shaking a present, trying to guess what’s inside. All the cliché stuff I guess, but that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted.

I think of all of that, and it gives me something to strive towards. I know I’m going to have that one day, and it keeps me going.

Acceptance

I beginning to see once again how things usually work out for the best. I think I'm finally actually accepting and truly believing that this TTC break is the right choice. I went through my own little version of the stages of grief, and I'm happy to say that I think I'm finally done with grieving and am accepting our decision. After we sat down and made that decision, the whole rest of the day I was in complete denial about it. I knew we had to wait, but I didn't truly believe that we would. The next few weeks brought depression, anger and guilt all mixed together. This whole year I've been focusing on making my lifelong dream a reality, and I was destroyed that it had to be put on hold and angry that it had come to this. I felt guilty that I haven't been working for so long and haven't been able to contribute anything to the household (other than lots of cleaning) or our financial situation. I felt even more lost inside. After months of primarily thinking about cycle charting, optimizing fertile times, lines on sticks, researching symptoms, etc., I didn't know how to think of anything else.

The past few days though I've started daydreaming about what I want and where I want us to be when we have a child. I want the husband to be further into his career and feeling more comfortable in it. Where he is now is more of a stepping-stone to where he wants to be. This chef has the name recognition that will help in the future and is giving him an opportunity to gain valuable experience and to figure out the direction he wants to go. I want me to be feeling more confident in myself and my abilities. I'm tired of feeling worthless and unable. I need to find something that will help me rebuild my self-esteem and feel worthy of what I want.

When I think of the future I picture the husband and me sitting on the floor in a living room playing with our children when they're young. I see days in the park or at the beach, full of laughter and play. I see our son riding the dog and our little girl with lipstick all over her face. I see us as grandparents with everyone coming home and gathering together for the holidays, telling stories and reminiscing.

I want us to be able to have that. This next year is a necessary step to making that possible, and I can now accept that.