Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

Dream Come True

You know how my whole life all I've ever wanted is to have a family?

I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!

Oh. My. God.  I still can't believe it!  And on the freakin first month off of birth control.  No way did I ever think it would happen this fast and I was fully prepared for it to be a long process.  Nope!

So, getting personal here...

A few days after I should have ovulated, my boobs got super sore and my nipples just stayed in a constant state of alert.  Which they never do.  It was so freakin weird.  I figured it was just PMS starting early and coming on strong.  So, I got closer and closer to when AF was due and was slightly cramping, but had no spotting, which I always do.

So I decided to take a test.

I laid it down, set a timer, and walked out of the room fully expecting to return to a single line.  Like always.  I had to walk back in to get something and decided to just peek at it even though there were a few minutes left.

Big, dark BFP staring right at me!

No fucking way.  Are you serious?  OH MY GOD!!!

Shake, laugh, and cry.  That's what I did.  It was later morning, and the boyfriend wouldn't be home until evening, and I decided not to call him at work.  I did take another test just to see, and sure enough, another BFP.  Sweet!

I headed to the computer and researched some interesting ways to tell him.  Many would take some planning, and I didn't want to wait.  I had a huge multi-picture frame thing that I'd been wanting to fill up, so I decided to use that.  I took a selfie of me holding the positive test and one of the dog in shaming style with a sign that said "I will not bark at the baby."  I filled the remaining spots with pictures of the two of us.

I covered it with a blanket and prepared for a grand reveal.  He came home, and I let him get settled while acting totally normal.  I told him I wanted to show him something I had made that day and he followed me over.  I should have ripped the blanket off all at once, but he grabbed a corner and just saw the picture of the dog and sign.  He looked at me and asked, "Is that supposed to mean something?"  I told him "Yes."  He replied, "Really?" "Yep."  Then he smiled and hugged me.  It was wonderful.

We ended up telling family and very close friends.  Everyone was so excited, and I loved getting to say the words, "I'm pregnant."

His brother and sister-in-law invited us for dinner the next day, and on the way over we got to talking about getting married.  We wanted to go ahead and make it legal, then have a ceremony this summer.

We're getting married tomorrow!!  I'm overjoyed.

While we were with his family, we asked their opinions on dates and venues and ended up doing a full on search almost all night.  We've pretty much decided on somewhere in the NC mountains.  I've got two meetings in the next couple of weeks set up to tour places that have our date available.  I can't believe this is all happening so quickly.  A week ago I didn't even know I was pregnant, much less that we'd be getting married anytime soon.

This is incredible.

I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

Pay it Forward

About a year and a half ago when my awesomest of roommates got married, she asked me to make the cake.  I looked forever for a fitting topper and finally found it two days before the wedding.  Across the country.  It was on Etsy, and I asked the artist if she could ship it overnight.  She didn't get the message until the next day, but she could still ship it so it would arrive right before the ceremony.  I paid for the standard overnight charges and was all excited to get it.  I told the artist what it was for, and she said she wanted pictures.  Then I got another email from her saying that the shipping charge would be some absolutely obscene amount of money more.  Which I just did not have.  Extremely bummed, I told her I couldn't afford the extra.  And she wrote back...

It will be there tomorrow morning.  Have a great Christmas :)  Pay it forward ♥

And today I finally did.  I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years.  I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008.  I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range.  No takers.  I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one.  Then I just stopped for a while.  I was tired of trying.  Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60.  Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed.  I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to.  It clearly said local pick up only.  Oh well.

I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again.  Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30.  I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow."  Deal.  I was ready to be done with it.  As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.

We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece.  As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person.  She held out the money, and I shook my head.  I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did.  I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry.  When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it.  I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.

Bittersweet.

Bridal Expo

My stepdad's doing about the same, I think.  Maybe a little bit of progress, and I'll take whatever good news I can get.  I go to visit him almost every day after work and on days off I'll spend the afternoon.  It's still day to day and we don't know what's going to happen, but we're remaining hopeful.

This past Sunday was a local bridal expo that my mom was supposed to attend with me, but for obvious reasons she couldn't.  So my "sister" went, and we had a blast.  The morning consisted of a venue tour of some local spots, and I think I've found the perfect one for us.  It's in historic downtown and is the entire top floor of a very old building.  It's currently a ballroom where they host dancing classes and rent out for events.  Is it not effing gorgeous??

Eek!  I think the ceremony would take place on this side.

Other side of the room and how
the reception area could be.

Breathtaking!

Entryway from the elevator

They had it somewhat staged so you could get an idea of how it would be set up.  The price is great and they're partnered with the caterer I like, so there would be a discount on that fee.  Plus, my sister is best friends with the caterer's family and actually used to work for them and said she could probably get me the "family" rate... sweet!!  It's all starting to fall into place.

Anyways, after the tour was the actual expo where tons of vendors were set up.  I talked to so many people and got a lot of ideas.  There were two fashion shows, and the dresses were gorgeous.  I don't think I'll go all out on a gown this time down the aisle, but I definitely have a good idea of how to get a gorgeous dress for a great price.

I went home that evening all excited and shared what I learned with the boyfriend.  He was happy with the venue I like and said he'd definitely have to officially propose soon!  Shhh.... don't tell him, but I wore my grandmother's rock all day at the expo.  I really miss having a diamond on my hand.

He originally didn't think any of his friends or family would come down for the wedding, and he actually called his sister to ask if she would.  She got all excited, said all six of them would be here for it and demanded to know when it would be.  That was the first anyone in his family heard anything about us getting married, and I'm fairly certain she'll pass the word around.  I hoping the extra influence from outside sources will light a fire under his butt, haha!

Yesterday my stepdad asked if he could walk me down the aisle.  It absolutely warmed my heart.  I hope above all else that he is still around and able to do that when the time comes.

Post-Op Review

I'm home.  The rides down and back were long.  Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle.  Surgery itself went well.  Recovery has been a bitch.  And now I'm home.  Resting.  And doing laundry.

It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us.  Are you kidding me?  We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital.  We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away.  Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.

The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon.  Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate.  When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us.  Apparently no one informed us of some other things either.  I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.

When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months.  Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is.  He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs.  So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there".   He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know.  Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam.  Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day.  In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok.  I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.

That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep.  Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating.  I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up.  I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.

The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am.  Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area.  After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me.  We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day.  After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.  What an incredible man.

Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three.  I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room.  My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found.  Here's the rundown:

- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch!  He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine.  Tubes looked fine.

Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above.  He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II.  He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!!  That's so exciting!  He also said that the endo shouldn't come back.  The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.

But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery!  It's been rough.  The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap.  And I can't stop freakin crying!  I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.

I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with.  He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions.  The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up.  Geez.  Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting.  I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there.  This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting.  I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.

After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road.  We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home.  For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though.  Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night.  I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet.  But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything.  She's been absolutely incredible through all of this.  So supportive and there for whatever I needed.

So now I'm home.  It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why.  The overcast sky outside matches my mood.  I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility.  My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better.  So why am I so freakin sad??  Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me.  They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.

But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful.  For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him.  For finally being able to go through with this surgery.  For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years.  I am truly lucky.

It's a Date!

I'm having another surgery!!  Never thought I would be so excited to announce that.  I spoke with the CEC this week about the costs and got a date all set up... September 18th!

Luckily the hospital there is considered in-network by my insurance.  Since the back surgery took care of my out of pocket responsibility for in-network, that part won't cost me a thing.  The CEC itself though is out of network, so I will owe them a hefty chunk of change upfront.

I hate to do it but I'm going to have to put it most of it on a credit card, but it'll be so much cheaper to do the surgery now than to wait to maybe save up and have to postpone until possibly next year.  Plus, this surgery will allow me to discover what's really going on with my insides and hopefully let me know the status of my fertility.   That knowledge and the fact that it may eradicate my pain possibly forever will make it worth it.

I looked into a popular medical credit card, but the reviews weren't that great.  I may set up a help fund me type of fundraiser, but I'm still not sure about that.

The boyfriend won't be able to go with me, so my wonderful mother said she would.  I love her so much!

I'm so nervous and excited!

Hello!

Again it seems like so much has happened so quickly.  We went ring setting shopping this week and found the perfect one.  Unfortunately it's $2500 in the store which totally defeats the purpose of using my grandmother's stone.  But I found one pretty much just like it online for about $400.  I'm not expecting it to be exactly the same, but hopefully it's decent quality.

Is that not effin gorgeous?!  The boyfriend has said he does want a wedding, so I've been dreaming up all sorts of ideas and camping out on Pinterest.

I took the first step towards getting excision surgery for the endo.  I contacted the Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta and am currently filling out the 24 pages of paperwork, gathering my medical records and writing my narrative for them.  The surgeon will actually call after sending all the info in for a free phone consultation.  How awesome is that?  So I may be potentially having surgery again later this year.  I pretty much just decided it was time to do this a few days ago.  I'm super excited to get the ball rolling, but... eek!

I've been back at work for a week and a half now.  I've been taking it very easy but am still exhausted and sore at the end of the day.  Everyone has been great about looking out for me and handling the animals and all the food.  I could get used to this.

I also made a freakin fantastic chocolate creme pie last weekend.  My first attempt at one from scratch, and it turned out deliciously.   That's definitely worth mentioning too, haha.  

Happy weekend!

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

My Heart is Aflutter

The boyfriend said many sweet things yesterday that made me fall in love with him all over again.

I know he can't afford an engagement ring yet and I've been suggesting a very real looking fake ring for the past couple of months.  He hates the idea and has not entertained the thought one bit.  We were talking about all sorts of things yesterday and we got to joking about that.  I said, "Forty bucks and you're done!  What's the problem??"  And he immediately said back, "BECAUSE YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN THAT!"  Aaah!  I melted.  It was so sweet.

Later we were talking about my birth control, and he said, "Why don't you just stop taking it?  I'll put a little one in there for ya," as he rubbed my stomach!  Aaah!!  Killed me!  In all seriousness though, he did say he'd be fine with us starting to TTC now in case we have trouble with it.  I said I wanted to get through this possible back surgery fiasco and then go from there.

Then he totally surprised me with this next one.  When we got back together we compromised and decided that we would stay here for us to have a child, then move out towards Western NC when it was a few years old.  He hates this area, but my family and support system are here, so we agreed that plan worked for us both.  Well... yesterday he said absolutely out of no where that he'd be fine staying here if we could find another house that he'd be more comfortable in.  One with neighbors that aren't as close to us, one with a garage and a huge back yard for the dogs.  One possibly on the water.  Something we could really settle down and grow old in.  AAAH!  Craziness!!  Never ever ever did I think he'd want that.  He said he's really been thinking about it though, and it would just be such a hassle to pack up everything, move across the state, find a new place and new jobs.

I just don't know what to think about all this wonderfulness!

Absent

That's what I've been.  But I've got a great reason, I swear!

The boyfriend moved in!!!

I'm so excited.  It happened rather quickly and all of a sudden actually last week.  Weird circumstances at his old place developed, and he decided it was time!  So we've been moving him and his stuff in, and tomorrow will be a week.  It has been so, so wonderful!

There's been a bit of an adjustment period, for him especially.  He said it's been just a tiny bit weird.  I did buy this house by myself and have been living in it for ten months now.  He feels awkward not knowing where anything is or where all the light switches are.  But he's adapting quickly and has been settling in nicely.

He's very handy and has already switched into Mr. Fix It mode a couple of times.  His next project will be the garbage disposal.  Between us we've got three computers which we've put in the loft upstairs.  It looks like command central up here now.  We've rearranged all our furniture, and this place feels even more like home now.  I had really missed his big comfy couch.

The dogs are a bit off still.  My dog has turned into kind of a loner...

Where he goes for his alone time now, complete with grump face

And his is even more of a lover now...

We were cuddling before the bf piled all his toys on top of him

They play and seem happy to be around each other all the time again, but it's still weird for them too.  Time will help.  The cat has been fine.  He adapts to anything pretty easily.

I am so happy right now.  It really feels like I have my family back together again.  I enjoyed living alone for a few months, but I am definitely happier now that he's here.  No more only seeing him once or twice a week.  No more driving home late Sunday night after The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones.  No more sad goodbye kisses.

I get him every night now.  And I hope to every night for the rest of our lives.  :)

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Week 10 - Reflection

It was incredible.  Simply incredible.

The day began with the Educational Symposium at Mellon Auditorium.  It was absolutely beautiful and very elegant.  I loved hearing all the doctors speak and the panel discussion afterward.  One doctor estimated there could be a blood test (or possibly a similar non-invasive test) to detect endometriosis within two to five years!  We heard about how different organizations are doing research for the disease, and it was amazing to actually see the people who are trying to find us a cure!

Dr. Camran Nezhat, celebrity of the day
and one of the main sponsors and founders.

Some of the doctors who spoke.

After the symposium, I headed to the site of the Call to Action ceremony on the National Mall...

It was impressive.

All four Doctors Nezhat spoke, as did other doctors and a few celebrities.  The patient testimonials were very emotional for me.  I cannot believe what some endosisters have been through and how strong they are.  One woman spoke of how she'd had 18 surgeries!  Just... wow.  If I'm not mistaken (which it's possible I am... the cold messed with my brain that day!) she was also the one to have endo on her lungs!  Unbelievable.

Doctors Ceana, Farr and Azadeh Nezhat,
sponsors and founders of the event.

After a performance by Sheryl Crow...

...it was time to march!  And march we did.  Down the mall, across and down the streets and back to Mellon Auditorium.  How incredible it was to be surrounded by so many endosisters and their supporters!

We marched to raise awareness.  We marched to "empower, educate and effect."

Because it's

Because we are powerful women and together we have endless amounts of

With this march we let the world know that we will no longer accept the pain from endometriosis.  We will not tolerate having our disease disregarded and our pain dismissed.  We will no longer keep quiet and will be our own advocates for health.

We will never let go of our

http://www.millionwomenmarch2014.org/

Of Love and Hope

I just wrote a FutureMe letter.  The first one in a long time.  I couldn't figure out why I hadn't really wanted to write any for a long while until the other day.  I got one from a much younger and naive version of myself.  She was happily married and had just started trying to get pregnant.  She was hopeful and spouted out all the cliche "it'll happen when it's meant to" and "there's always adoption if it doesn't".  What the hell was I thinking??  I hate when people say that to me now, haha.

I've gotten a few like that recently.  I wrote a lot of them back when I was married and so happy, spitting out positivity left and right.  No reason not to back then, but I won't lie... even today they're still a little hard to read.  I think I've been scared to write about how happy I am now and potentially cause pain to my future self should things with the boyfriend not work out.  Because as I've learned the hard way, no matter how certain you may think you are of something, it can all change very quickly.

We've been on and off for almost two years, and he's now the most important part of my life.  He and I actually had a big misunderstanding this past weekend, and for a few hours I thought we might be over.  Those hours of anger and disbelief absolutely killed me.  I did not want to imagine a life without him, but that was all I could think about.  I was so scared that I was going to have to go through all that hurt again.

So, I'm very happy to report that our misunderstanding was actually just that and not based on any kind of truth whatsoever.  We got through it very quickly once we were actually able to address the supposed issue, and once again we came out on the other side stronger and happier.  I love when that happens!

Over the past few weeks, we've been seriously thinking about and starting to plan our immediate (well, later this year) future.  He'll be moving back in with me this summer, which is when he hopefully will officially propose.  We're planning on getting married in late fall and taking a fabulous honeymoon to somewhere tropical.  And sometime after that should be the resurrection of what I call the two pink lines trek!  I haven't looked forward to anything this much in a very long time.  What a fantastic year this should be.

I'm so freakin excited!

Bloggers Unite for EndoMarch: Weeks 1 & 2 - Basic Info and What the March Means to Me Personally

As I briefly mentioned before I will be attending the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington DC in a couple of months.  I'm pretty damned stoked about it!  I just found out about this bloggers uniting thing and thought it would be awesome to participate.  Now, you and I both know that this blog has always been more like a teenage girl's diary than anything else, basically because it's where I come to vent and talk things out.  I thought it would be interesting to actually write about something important, so here we go....!

The EndoMarch is happening in country capitals all over the world on March 13, 2014.  Leading professionals in the endo field have organized this event to raise awareness for the ever-daunting endometriosis.  The hope is to bring much needed attention to this widely unheard of and misunderstood disease which affects so many women.  Everyone can be involved, whether attending in person or in spirit.  Registering is super easy and you can find everything thing you need to know here.

My last post (which you can find here) really ties into what this march means to me.  Since it's got a brief breakdown of my history with the disease, I won't go into it much again right now, but I will echo the feelings behind it...

I wish more than almost anything in this world that I had known what endo was back when I first started menstruating.  I wish I had known that the pain I felt was not normal even though other women in my family experienced the same.  I wish that I had sought help back then and possibly have been spared over a decade of excruciating pain.  I wish that I didn't have to wonder every single day about the status of my insides.  I wish that I knew if I'll ever be able to create a little life one day.

When I first learned of the EndoMarch, a smile spread wide across my face.  I look forward to it with great anticipation and I feel hope.  I am so very thankful that this disease is being taken seriously and that great effort is being put forth to do something about it.  To bring awareness of this "taboo women's period problem" to the masses.  To get women properly diagnosed and treated years earlier than they have been in the past.  To prevent damage that late diagnosis can lead to.  To one day find a cure.

I can only imagine how empowering it will feel to be standing in our country's capital as part of a worldwide event surrounded by so many endo sisters and supporters.  It's gonna be pretty awesome.

All Around Good

What a crazy week it's been!  First of all, I have a new niece!  I got a call around 2am Thursday morning saying it was time for my sister's baby to be born!  I got up and rushed over to their house.  Things seemed like they were in full swing, but just like with her first birth, they slowed and kinda stopped for awhile.  The little girl didn't actually emerge until 2:30 that afternoon.  The proud mama was exhausted and actually gave us a scare after the birth.  She lost a lot of blood and almost passed out.  She was hooked up to an IV for quite awhile and confined to the bed for a couple of days. She gets rechecked today and can hopefully get off bed restriction.

All her actual sisters couldn't make it, so I'm glad I could be there for her.  I got to hold the new little one for quite awhile as they worked on mama.  She is precious!  I watched her look up at her mom while she was holding her and just melted.  The connection there was absolutely unbelievable.  I want that so much.

In other crazy news, my roommate is practically engaged.  The guy that visited her about a month ago has turned into her one, and they've decided they want to have a life together.  He's buying a ring this weekend.  She got an awesome deal on a wedding dress a few days ago.  Oh, and she's moving to California next month!  He's out there for the next couple of years until he retires from the Marines, and she's going to join him.  They want to move back here after that, but we'll see.  I'm going to miss her terribly!!

I will be getting my house all to myself though!  She had originally committed to staying with me a year.  She thought about staying the full time until her fairly well off fella offered to pay her half of the rent until the summer, which....

...is when my fella will hopefully move in!  We've pretty much decided we want to spend our lives together too.  I'm so excited and am so in love again.  I really wondered if I'd ever get to feel like this again.  I feel very lucky.  We were talking about everything again last week, and he said "I guess I'm going to have to propose soon, huh?" with a smile. 

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I'm pretty stoked :)

We had a hard time for a long time, and I really think we needed it.  We saw all sides of each other and learned a lot about what we want.  We came out on the other side stronger and more appreciative.  We communicate more efficiently and compromise better.

He loves me for me, as I do him.  I love how I can be completely myself around him.  He's not going to be scared away.  And as silly as we act together, this really feels like a grown up, adult relationship.  About time, seeing as I'm 30 and he's 36, haha!

I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now!  :D

It's Back On!

So, big news.  Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm really happy about it... the ex-boyfriend and I are back together!  We've been hanging out every weekend since we split up and actually getting to know each other better than when we lived together.  We've talked so much more and have been more affectionate.

He actually was the one to start the conversation this weekend.  We talked for about two hours about absolutely everything between us, every issue we've had since the beginning of the relationship.  We talked about what we both want out of the future and how we can accomplish it all together.

He said how all this time being not officially together has made him realize how much he really appreciates me.  He acknowledged and took total blame for being unaffectionate before and likes how we are now.  He's turning into the man I've been wanting.

We both said that we love each other and don't want to be without each other. We click so well and just get each other so much better.  We know each others personalities, and he can read me like no one else now.  And that feeling of absolute love that I'd only felt with the ex-husband and had been so hoping for again... it's there now.  Ever since we talked, I feel so much closer to him and I have no doubts about being with him.

He just might turn out to be the one after all.  

Aw, Shucks!

I woke up yesterday morning to a nice surprise.  I sat down at the computer and discovered I'd been nominated for my very first blogging award!  How awesome is that?  I'm pretty new to the whole blogging community... I started doing this in June of last year and didn't really think anyone would read it.  Many thanks to Oak at The Acorn Chronicles for the award!  She made my day!

Now, this being my first award, I had no idea what it meant.  Well, I did, but I wasn't sure what to do with it.  I wondered if I got to proudly display my award and write a post like hers.  I ended up stalking the other blogs she nominated and e-mailed her like a dork for further confirmation.  She was awesome and said that I do in fact get to, so....

Here's how this works:

1.  Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award

2.  Share 7 things about yourself

3.  Award some recently discovered bloggers that are deserving

4.  Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

So, about me...

1.  The husband and I first met on myspace almost four years ago, back when myspace was the thing.  I'd written a blog there about being single (in which I totally lied about how fine with it I was) and he stumbled across it and felt the need to comment.  Thank goodness he did or else I'd probably still be single.  He prefers to tell people that we met at the beach, which technically is where we first met in person.  Anyways, he's the perfect guy and totally gets me.  :)

2.  More than anything I want to become a mother.  I've known since I was a teenager that all I really wanted to do was fall head over heels in love with a wonderful man and have a family.  Well, I've fallen and now we're trying.  We're having some troubles, but we're staying positive that it'll happen for us soon.

 3.  I'm a Carolina Girl who finds herself now in Mississippi and will probably be moving to Tennessee soon.  This past summer was the hottest freakin one I've ever been through, yet we've had more snow so far this winter than I saw during the last few years back in NC.  I wish it were always autumn.

4.   I love 80s music.  I was born in '83 and was too young to appreciate it when it was actually going on, but during my early teenage years I rediscovered it.  I remember my mom listening to Bruce Hornsby & The Range all the time in the 80s and I'm still in love with them.  She also listened to Kenny G a lot, but I never shared in that particular liking with her.

5.  I'm trying to learn about photography.  I've been interested in it since high school but never pursued it.  I received a beautiful camera this past Christmas along with some books and have been reading all about it.  I'm really loving it so far!

6.  I first met my father a few years ago.  I was an only child growing up and lived with my mother and grandmother, then later the man that became my stepdad.  My mom never told me anything about my father and I was too nervous to ask again after she shot me down for info when I was younger.  I finally got the nerve and asked her again a few months before my wedding so I could try to find out about his family medical history.  I ended up tracking him down and found out I also have three siblings!  We don't really talk now, but I feel more complete knowing where my hazel eyes and the other half of me come from.

7.  This one's more about the blog, but anyway... Over the months I've mainly had visitors from my fertility charting site, but have discovered that people have stumbled upon it from other sources.  Some of those are from web searches.  One was from a search of "operate on my toe" which took that person to a story of an evil foot doctor who told me I probably shouldn't ever have children.  Although he was joking, he came off like a total prick and probably was in the other aspects of his life as well.  A more interesting search that brought someone here was "sek preggo doktor .com".  Now when I plugged those words into my search engine looking for a little translation (although it's pretty obvious what most of them mean) I wasn't too happy that my little blog popped up for this person.  It brought them to this post which they must have liked because it was repeatedly viewed for weeks.

And now for the nominations.  I only have a couple because I've been bad and have only been reading a few of my regular ones lately.  And most of those have been around for quite a while and are pretty established.  I guess I need to venture out some.

 
Scribbles and Giggles: A Mommy Blog is written by a chick named Tricia who started out as an online cycle buddy and is now a wonderful friend!  She is a great source of support on this TTC journey.  Love ya girl!

Kim at The Infertile Stepmom writes about TTC her first while helping to raise her husband's children from another marriage.  It's pretty inspiring.

I so wish I had more, but I'll work on it.