Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Closure?

It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks.  I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet.  I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule.  For a week and a half out.  So frustrating.

My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate.  Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one?  Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different.  She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all.  I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay.  Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight.  Oh, how I've missed her!

My Whole30 is complete!  I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser.  I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years.  On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy.  I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness.  I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little.  Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating.  And then yesterday I was doing well until...

The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner.  He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite."  Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation.  Then he asked me to dinner.  I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.

He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever.  We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready.  Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time.  Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.

He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that.  He said he understood.  Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children.  I was firm.  Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot.  After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water.  He kept starting to say something, then would stop.  He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.

I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me.  There it is.  Again.  Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction.  I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on!  I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!

As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet.  I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants.  He took me home and asked if he could see my dog.  We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played.  It was sad.

I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went.  I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did.  I guess that's something.

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.

Whole30

Today has been a fun-filled one full of cooking.  And I don't even like cooking.

My chiropractor has been getting on me lately about trying the Whole30 program to see if it could help with the inflammation around my back and also improve my health in general.  At first I kinda considered it, but didn't really look into it.  I knew it meant cutting out grain goods and dairy and I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't want to.

A couple of weeks ago she suggested it again, and for some reason I started doing some research.  Then something switched in my brain, and I started really wanting to do it.  I've been overweight for several years now, and that spare tire has not been good for my already fragile self-esteem and confidence.  I knew this would be a good way to seriously attempt to lose some weight, and it would only be thirty days.  I figured I could do that.

And so I did.  I knew there would be a birthday potluck for a girl at work that would have particularly delicious dishes, so I chose to start the day after that, which was Tuesday.  I am currently on Day 5 and going strong.  Day 1 was good, but Days 2 & 3 kicked my ass.  I had pounding headaches and no energy at all.  I guess from all the bad junk leaving my body?  I was craving everything I couldn't have, and it didn't help that there were tons of sweet goodies at work.

But I've resisted, and it's paying off.  As of yesterday I've already lost four pounds!  I weighed myself three times to make sure the scale was correct, and even then I wasn't convinced.  I've never lost that much is such a short period of time.  You're not supposed to weigh yourself at all during the thirty days, but I just couldn't help it.  I really wanted to see if I'd made any progress, and knowing that I have has given me even more determination to keep with it.

I didn't plan for the start of it very well, and I got pretty bored of the food.  I'd eat a couple of eggs for breakfast and have some tea.  I am not a fan of tea and actually went back to coffee today and added a little coconut milk and cinnamon.  I'd have some fruit and leftovers for lunch.  For dinner every single night I was making chicken and vegetables.  It was good, but it was getting rough.

This week I've prepped much better!  I looked up recipes and stocked up at the grocery store.  I did a lot of cooking today so there won't be quite as much through the week.

Firstly, I made ghee!  I'm not sure I've ever even tried it, but I'm getting tired of cooking everything with EVOO and needed another option.  Plus I figured if it involved butter it had to be good!  I followed this recipe from The Healthy Foodie.  It was pretty simple, and I can't wait to try it tomorrow!

Freshly made and a few hours later

Next I wanted to make the meatballs found here at Stay Fit Mom.  I changed the recipe a little by using ground turkey instead of beef and left out the onions.  They were so good!  I wanted the spaghetti and meatballs experience, so I used a peeler to make zucchini "noodles" and threw together a makeshift tomato sauce.  All together they made a pretty damn good dish.

I had some extra turkey and pork left over and decided to try my hand at the scotch eggs from Stupid Easy Paleo.  I medium-ish boiled the eggs and left out the spice mix and honey.  Basically it was just meat and sea salt, but it seriously tasted like some sausage.  These are going to be part of my breakfasts this week.

They look rough but, my, are they tasty.

I'm so glad I started the Whole30 and am pretty stoked to hopefully continue seeing results.  And I'm super excited to try more of the recipes I've found.  I really hope that after the thirty days I'll want to keep up the healthy eating and stick to a mostly Paleo diet.  Well, we'll see.  At least healthier anyway.