Grouchy

- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.

- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!

- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.

- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!

- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!

- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.

- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.

- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.

- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.

- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???

Yes, AF is in town.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

It never fails...

Just when I think I'm picking myself up and am doing pretty well for myself, something comes along and reminds me just how much I'm not.

For a few moments I was proud of the progress I've been making and of actually truly believing it was happening.  I was even kind of cocky about it just an hour ago.  I was thinking that since this break up with the now ex-boyfriend, I really haven't thought about the loss of the ex-husband in a little while.  Whenever he's posted things lately, I haven't felt nearly as much pain and regret as I have been for years now (except when it's pictures of him holding babies, which is totally justified, right?).  That's definitely something!  And whenever I've thought of the ex-bf the past couple of days I've actually believed it was for the best and that I will find my prince charming eventually.  All good things and positive steps!  I was even going to brag here with a nice post about finally being over it all.

Until just a few minutes ago when a completely unrelated event occurred.  A simple happening really that shouldn't have affected me the way it did.  Except that it was with the roommate, who in her awesomeness makes me totally jealous of her life.  She came home from a ukelele jam session (yes, you read that right) downtown where she showed off her vocal and musical skills and showed me some video from it.  All I could think the entire time I was watching was how I wish I could have just a tenth of her confidence.  I even remarked how awesome it must feel to have her confidence and talent in every aspect of her life.  And with that I teared up and promptly said goodnight.

Literally, as I just typed that last sentence, she came in to get her laundry and told a story that kind of epitomizes her life in my eyes right now.  Monday she bailed on me and my sister's dinner for a taco party with her friends.  She texted the host asking if she could bring anything, and he replied condoms.  Duh, what else would you take?  She asked if he wanted any particular kind (colored, flavored), and he named off his choice.  So she got some condoms.  She had every intention of showing up, throwing the box down on the table and proclaiming "I'm here for the taco party!", but some other guy's ten year old son was there, and she didn't think it would be appropriate.  So she just showed the text conversation to the host's girlfriend and they had a chuckle.  She comes home with stories like this every freakin day.  

And the pathetic thing is that I'm totally jealous of her.  She lives her life.  She goes after what she wants.  She has the confidence to do anything in the world and she does it.  How do I get that?  How do I stop being scared of... everything?

Then again, as she was showing me the video and I was admiring her life, I actively thought how just as that is what she wants on a Thursday evening, I just want to curl up with a man I love.  We may be very similar in some ways, but we are very different in others, and I HAVE GOT TO STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO HER.  But that is so hard when she's returning every day with glorious stories of adventures with her many friends while I'm sitting home alone every night in a depression that I keep trying to talk myself out of and once again I'm terrified to walk out the front door.

I really hate myself sometimes.  AND I CAN'T GET MY FUCKING HAPPY PILLS YET.  THIS DELAY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.  Maybe they'll come through tomorrow.

Such a mess I am.

This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...

Yesterday kinda sucked.  It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do.  I cleaned a lot.  The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.

That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day.  The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant.  They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did.  No judgement, they're happy.  She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20.  I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues.  I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her.  But we all know how some men are.

Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why.  Maybe because it happened so fast for them.  I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet.  That's crazy fast.  And she's so young.

Again, I'm probably just jealous.  I still haven't gotten out of my funk.  I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future.  I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.

I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic.  I take that back... I think he's stopped trying.  We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore.  That's my guess anyway.  He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work.  I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me.  I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person."  I need an affectionate person.  Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him.  Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.

I've been scared lately.  I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship.  I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one.  I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he?  Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close?  Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?

I think it's good that I've been with this guy.  You can learn something from every situation.  I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it.  If it works like that.

I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage.  Some things are harder to let go of.  It's been two years, come on!  When will I finally move on from that??

But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning.  I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today.  I'm determined to actually have a tan this year.  Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late.  I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away.  Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection.  I found some awesome bar stools for the house.

Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again.  I will get my head on straight one of these days.

Crazy Girl

The boyfriend witnessed something yesterday that I'd hoped he wouldn't for at least a little while longer... he saw the crazy come out in me for a bit.  I got upset over something stupid, and it ruined the rest of my afternoon.  I was mad for not being able to just let it go, and it was a vicious cycle of frustration and being scared that it would scare him away.  He felt helpless because he didn't know what to say or do to help, and I told him that there wasn't really anything.  He asked what I was upset about, and I told him I didn't know, which by then was the truth.  I wasn't upset about any one specific thing anymore, it was just a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger.

Then he said the perfect thing:  "I don't know what you're upset about, but if you're worried about me, you shouldn't.  I'm not going anywhere, and that's the last thing you should be worried about.  So I'm gonna give you some space to work out whatever you need to, but I'm still here."

I know that was part of it.  I was scared he would think it wasn't worth it putting up with my emotional spells.  But he took it in stride and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  It was just the right thing.  So I cried a little more then was somehow able to pull myself together, and we had a very pleasant rest of the day.

In my defense though, I am PMS-ing rather a lot and I think that played a part in it.  I was pretty emotional at work today too.

Irony

It's weird how life works.  For a year I was terrified to go back to work, and now work is the only place I want to be.  When I'm at work I have things to focus on, tasks to accomplish, lots of people to talk to.  I get to forget about life and be in a totally different mindset.  I feel confident and self-assured.  I don't have time to think about much else but what needs to be done.

But when I leave, my mind is free to think about other things.  Things I don't want to think about.  Things I thought I'd moved passed and gotten over.  Things I've actually only pushed down, tried to ignore and want to go away.  I used to love my alone time, but now I want to be constantly surrounded by people.  I need them to distract me.

I want to fast-forward a few months to a time when I hope I'll feel more at peace.

Watch out... she's on the drugs!

So it's been three weeks since I started back on birth control. I'm on the generic for Seasonale, so we're aiming for four periods a year. I was in a medical study for Yaz a few years ago that was trying to determine if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale. I don't know whether Yaz just doesn't work like that or if it just didn't for me, but I never made it three months without a period.

Now I'm back wondering if I can use a birth control like this. I've been spotting for nine days now. I know you can have breakthrough bleeding, especially during the first month or two, but I don't know if it's my body getting used to it or if it's what's at the back of my pachingo still causing problems. I can tell you that I'm definitely having other side effects! My (.)(.)s [boobs... always thought that was an awesome "emoticon" for them] hurt like hell!! This better wear off soon, because I don't think I can take it much longer!

The crazy's coming back too, I can feel it. It's like a switch is flipped, it's that instant. Poor husband... it's been mostly switched on him lately. Something inside just takes over and I can't get control back to try to get over whatever is making me upset. I think the worst part is knowing that I should not be as upset as I am, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I can be like that even off of the pill, but it seems to be exacerbated when on it. I don't have the best self-esteem and I think that mixes with my social anxiety to make me one nervous person.

I've been searching for a job here, but I'm terrified that when (hopefully) I get one I won't be able to control my emotions. Sometimes all it takes is someone looking at me the wrong way or having a certain tone in their voice, and the switch is flipped! I hold back the tears for as long as I can, but they always eventually come, and that makes me feel like a failure as an adult. I'm 27... I shouldn't be like that. Back home in NC I was at the same job for seven years, and my co-workers got used to me being so sensitive. But when it happened in front of a client, I was humiliated. I'm so scared about it happening again.