A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.

This week on...

My posts are turning into weekly updates.  I'm just too tired at the end of the day to write anything.  It's been a pretty good week though.

I guess my biggest news is that I got the call from Atlanta on Tuesday!  They had just gotten my records the Saturday before, and I was not expecting the call for at least a week.  The doctor was so nice and said I was the perfect candidate for laparoscopic excision.  I should be getting another call soon about the financial aspect of it all and to set up a date for surgery.  They're currently booked out about 8-10 weeks, so maybe late August/early September.  Eeeek!  I'm so excited to potentially not hurt from this anymore, or at least not to the same extent.  I've been selling stuff on Craigslist and eBay and doing my side online job to try to raise funds for this thing.  Thinking about setting up GoFundMe type account to see if anyone would be willing to help out a little.  Don't fully know how I feel about that yet.

I've been to two physical therapy appointments this week, both of which were quite awkward.  First of all, I'm the youngest patient there.  I think the average age of everyone else is around 75.  The place is mostly one big room that everyone "works out" in.  There's a good amount of slight pelvic thrusting exercises in my nice routine.  Friday I was moderately humping the table I was on, and for the entire duration Time Warp from Rocky Horror ran through my head.  It was pretty fantastic.  *sigh*

My manager at work is on vacation, and I've been in charge.  Got a call Thursday night at 10pm that the alarm had been tripped and they needed me there.  Just lovely.  Nothing missing or out of place luckily.  I'm hoping this week passes by quickly without any mishaps.  Usually when the manager is away there's a leak, electrical issue or something weird like that.  Fingers crossed!

Day One in Washington

This is the tale of the inevitable embarrassment of a Southern girl all alone in the big city.

We start with parking.  The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad.  It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic.  My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away.  I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians.  The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time!  Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel.  Which had a valet.  Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it.  He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?"  Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.

So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage.  Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door.  Yes, yes I am.  "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?"  Yes, yes I do.  "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road.  I looked at him kind of dumbfounded.  "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me.  I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not.  "Yes, yes!  Go get your car!"  We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed.  I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.

"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?"  No, that's quite alright.  Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you!  I was just trying to save you some money!  That's a few gallons of gas!"  Yeah, I know buddy.  Thanks for watching my bag.  So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked.  I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?"  Yes, yes I do.  I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.

Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while.  I noticed I looked a little out of place.  It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket.  I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up.  They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots.  I got some weird looks.

When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it.  I was determined to get sushi!  Until I didn't.  They were closed.  I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting.  So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone.  It was strange.  I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour.  Eh, whatever.

I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break.  No biggie.  When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate.  I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no.  He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times.  I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it.  I stared him down, and he finally came over.  "You want another drink?"  No, no thanks.  I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.

I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way.  As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes.  I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself.  Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."

Awesome.

And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it.  I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...

Yeah....  Not quite what I was expecting.  The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks.  This was the vent for the air...

Had never seen that before.  The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator.  In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.  

I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses.  In a plastic hotel cup.  Classy.  Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...

This is still a mostly anonymous blog,
so please don't mind the blackout, haha ;)

I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!

And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.

Snow 'n Stuff

It's been a weird week!  The afternoon after I last wrote, I was struck down with the freakin flu.  It was not pleasant, and I was miserable for quite a few days.  I missed two days of work last week, but I'm lucky that I have a job where that's not such a big deal.  I was in bed for five days straight and am still feeling a little funky.  Mostly better though.

I'm missing even more work this week because of snow!  We left early yesterday because of bad conditions and had several inches of sleet on the ground before it even started snowing.  Woke up this morning to several inches of the actual fluffy stuff on top of all the ice.  I made it into work for a couple of hours but was the only one, and who knows what will happen tomorrow.  My boss is of the wait and see mentality.  I know I can get in, but everyone else lives a lot farther away and can't.  I hate missing so much work!  This next check is not gonna be good.

But, I did get to play in the snow with the pup today, and we had a great time.

He absolutely loves it.  He runs and snarks and tries to catch the snowballs I toss to him.  It's pretty adorable.

In other news, last week my oldest "sister" let everyone know that she is pregnant.  So happy for her, but the way she told me was very strange.  She called me and said she wanted to give me a heads up about something.  She asked what I was doing in August.  If I'd like to come spend a few days with her (she's a couple of hours away).  To help with the new baby.  I'm all.... what now?  She never came out and said it, so I had to ask her if she was pregnant.  To that she said yes.  She always has been a weird girl, but I love her.  Grr...

Like her sisters before, whenever they announce they're pregnant with their first, I send flowers.  Sent her these...

They reminded me of when she got married.  She was in a blue and white dress and they both had yellow flowers.  She liked them and called to thank me.  Said she couldn't remember the last time she had flowers delivered to her.

The boyfriend and I talked a little more about the future.  He said he's planning on proposing this summer after he moves in and can save some money for a ring.  I'm almost at the point where I say screw the ring... let's just do it and get on with things.  I'm not always good at waiting, and this latest pregnancy announcement has got me even more anxious.  Sigh... in good time.

I think that's all my news for now.  Gotta do this week's EndoPost soon, so that will be on the way!

The Third Wheel

That's what I have been my entire life.  I'm always the friend of the girl who's got the admirer/boyfriend that doesn't want me hanging around so he can make his moves.

When I was in high school, my best friend and I were kind of inseparable.  I learned several months after she and her boyfriend broke up that he blamed me for the split.  I'd had no idea and hated it.  I was single up until I met the ex-husband when I was 24.  Before that I had always been the tag along, the one who got the pity invite.

A couple of years ago the roommate and I were supposed to be having dinner together, then she informed me that she had invited her boyfriend.  She asked if I was cool with it after the fact, and what was I supposed to say?  No, not at all?  Technically he was the third party, but it didn't work out that way.  I sat in the back seat and watched them hold hands while he tried to guess the private location of her newest tattoo.  Throughout dinner I watched them.  It sucked.  The past couple of years I've had to endure it from time to time, and eventually I just decided to not put myself in those kind of situations anymore.

Last night the roommate had a friend over, and we all hung out talking.  It was nice feeling equal.  She came home tonight and said he was coming back over in a bit to watch a movie we'd talked about yesterday.  One I really want to see.  I asked if it was cool if I watched it with them, or if they wanted to be alone.  I asked just to be on the safe side.  She then told me that he actually came back over last night at midnight, they just slept (yeah, sure) in the same bed together, and he left at 6am.  Awesome.

I said I would not be watching the movie with them because it would be awkward.  She insisted that it wouldn't be and that she wanted me to watch it with them, but I refused.  She may pretend not to know it, but if he stayed in her bed last night, he definitely doesn't want me watching the movie with them.

So he arrived a few minutes ago, and I've purposely stayed here writing this.  I hate being a third wheel in my own house.

Oh, yeah... She also told me tonight that her alcoholic ex-boyfriend crashed his car today and called her to rescue him.  And because he lives twenty minutes from his job and we live about five, she invited him to crash with us and that she wasn't going to let him drink in the house.  So he'll be detoxing while crashing on my couch.  Actually it'll probably be in her bed, but whatever.  More awesome.

Schtuff

The past few days have been pretty okay.  The drama at work lightened up a little Friday, mostly because one of the main drama-makers was off, and I jokingly threatened everyone else who was working that they'd better be in a good mood.  Boss-lady was off too, so that kinda helped.  She's been grouchy lately and has had everyone on edge.

Got a call from the ex-hubs Friday evening.  It was the first time hearing his voice in almost a year, which was nice.  I thought for sure I'd bawl my eyes out after the call, but I held it together.  Later that night I got a text from a friend of ours who was visiting him, and he said that they both missed me.  That one almost got me, but I stayed strong.  I didn't dwell on either and they actually kind of seemed like no big deal.  I'm sorta proud of myself.

Yesterday I went over to the old house and cleaned the carpets.  I first had to pick up the cleaning machine from the grocery store, and I'm sure they thought I was a hot mess.  I had just woken up from a nap and was still exhausted.  I was fuzzy and thinking and reacting very slowly.  I'm sure I seemed high as fuck to the customer service guy.  I wheeled the thing out to my car and was about to take advantage of the empty spot next to me to load it into the back seat.  But no.  Someone decided to pull into it, and I had to alter my course quickly, leading me to run the thing into my foot, which somehow sent the dirty water tank flying.  Luckily it didn't hit any cars.  So I had to grab that, put it back on, maneuver the machine into the narrow space between my car and the next, and get it into the back seat without scraping the other car.  All the while the wind was whipping around me, and my hair was swirling all over my face so I couldn't see that well.  What an unnecessarily complicated process.  To top it off, the lady that had pulled in and witnessed this entire thing got out of her car and kinda smiled at me like, "Ah, that sucks."  Thanks, lady.

Anyways, finally made it to the house and got started.  The ex arrived home when I was about halfway through and helped out.  Then we had one of our normal post-breakup evenings.  As always, it was very nice.  The plan for today is to go back and finish cleaning after he's got all his stuff out.  And if the cable's all hooked up at his new place by tonight, we're planning on watching the season premiere of Dexter.  I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of that man, and I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.  But it kinda is.  *sigh*

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?

Hurt

Elementary school crisis.  That's what I'm in.  It's childish and ridiculous.

But, it's not.

It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions.  Ready for this one?

One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.

She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me.  She didn't even tell me about it.  I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up.  I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name.  About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?"  She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."

Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face.  She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know.  Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that.  Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time.  Nice of her, right?

I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not.  I would never do something like that to her.

Plain and simple.

We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize.  I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends.  Why the fuck did I find that necessary?

(Side story:  She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now.  The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her.  She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)

I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me.  How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately.  As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.

I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore.  Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know.  But I felt stupid.

Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said.  She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend.  When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me.  Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.

After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward.  Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky.  It's kinda weird between us now.  It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.

I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that.  I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room.  Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.

I hate being me sometimes.  I really can't take it anymore.

I don't expect this when I'm not expecting...

You'd think common sense would tell you never to ask a woman you don't really know if she's pregnant.  You'd think a fellow woman would know that better than anyone.  Apparently not.

A normally pretty sweet older lady client came in today and was making conversation.  The first thing out of her mouth:  "Are you expecting?"

Me (playing dumb and really hoping she wasn't asking me what I thought she was):  "Expecting....?"

Her (starting to trip on her British-accented words):  "Uh... oh..."

Me (looking down at my stomach):  "Am I pregnant?  No, do I look it??"

Her (foot in mouth):  "I'm so sorry!  What I mean is... is... you have that look about you."

Me (fake laughing and trying to let her off the hook):  "Oh, do I have that glow?  Am I glowing?  I'll take that part."

Her:  "Oh, yes, that must be it!  I'm so sorry!"

Me (trying not to tear up):  "Oh, it's okay."

Come on.  Shouldn't she know better?  Shouldn't anyone know better?  I mean, I know she doesn't know any of my past or that it would be a painful question, but knowing how sensitive women in general can be about their weight and being a woman herself... shouldn't she have known better?!

I guess I really do need to hit the gym more often.  Hint taken. 

Does My Dog Count?

The other day at work, I was printing a receipt on our ancient dot-matrix printer and thought I heard the customer ask "Are you ready for Christmas?"  With the printer being so freakin loud, I wasn't sure if that was what she had really said, so I asked her to repeat it.

"Is your baby ready for Christmas?"

My reply?  "Um... my dog is ready."

"Oh, I thought you were the one that had the baby."

"Nope."

This happens all the time.  A girl left almost two years ago when she had her baby, and so many of our clients seem to think I'm her.  Even though I was there way before her and have been there way after she left.  It's really awkward each time too.  I love getting to say, "Nope, not me.  I don't have any kids."  All.  The.  Time.

That Time Again

What time, you ask?  It's time to bitch an complain about pregnant people being everywhere again!!  Yay!  *sigh*  They're all over the freakin place.  And they're all posting adorable preggo belly photos for the holidays.

My best friend is pregnant and due right after the first of the year.  Now I love her to death and would do anything for her, and apparently that means being involved in planning the baby shower her family is putting together.  I would have no problem with this (other than the obvious one) if someone would have informed me that I was to be helping.  I still don't know who volunteered me.  An extra couple of months notice would have been nice too.  Now it's less than three weeks away, and as far as I know, nothing's really been done other than talking about it.  At all.  Invitations should have been sent a couple of weeks ago.  Ugh!

In all seriousness though, I'm happy to be planning my bestie's first baby shower and had been planning on participating anyway.  It's just hard.  Emotionally painful.  I left her sister's kid's first birthday party almost in tears at the sight of all the happy young mothers.  I'm terrified I'm gonna burst out at this next most joyous event too.  It's embarrassing.

No rocking chairs, I guess.

The boyfriend's bearded dragon died yesterday.  He'd gotten him as a baby and had him for thirteen years.  Understandably, he was upset, but he seemed more upset by the fact that it bothered him so much.  Such a proud man.  He said that he gets in rare form when he's upset, and he did say something that's kind of been bothering me.

He mentioned how his step-father probably doesn't have much longer to live and that his mother probably wouldn't be too upset when he passed.  That absolutely shocked me.  He said they'd been sleeping in different rooms for years.  After talking more, he said that's how he viewed lives of older couples... that eventually they just get sick and tired of each other.  So I asked him, "You don't think that love can last forever?"  He said he did, but didn't really have much to say passed that.  I didn't want to come out and say, "So you think that's how we'd end up?" being only four months into our relationship and all, but he could tell that I was off after that.

I'm still off.

Sigh...

Talked to him about it that night and felt a little better.  Had another issue Sunday, and we had another talk.  I don't know how I feel about this.  It just seems so hard.  We're not lovey-dovey like I'm used to.  Like I need.  Is that to be expected when you get older?  We're not growing together.  Our relationship doesn't seem to be progressing.  We're just going through the motions of a couple living together.

We're taking a little vacation up north in a couple of weeks.  Spending time with some of his friends and family, and a day trip to NYC.  I keep thinking I'll be able to tell better about our relationship during and after the trip.  I know I just need to give it all more time, but how long?

All Good Things

We got the house!!!  We get to move in at the end of the month, and I can't wait!  We flipped a coin for the master suite, and I totally got it, big closet and all.  She gets the two smaller bedrooms, so technically she has more square footage than I do, but I totally don't care.  I get the bigger private bathroom.

I get to wear a bra again!  Yes, that is actually something to get excited about.  I got really sunburned last weekend and haven't been able to wear anything with straps.  So I've been making due with this tube top/not really tube top thing.  It offers no support and has slipped down on more than one occasion, leading to very obvious and awkward adjustments in front of the new roommate and total strangers, including a client at work.

I held a real baby for more than five minutes yesterday!  That's got to be a record.  I'm obsessed with babies, yet I've never really been around them much.  A former co-worker stopped in yesterday to say hello, and I got to hold her 3-month-old little man while she made the rounds.  He was so adorable, and he only really cried for a second or so... I usually bring forth a lot more tears than that from babies.

And last but not least, a Player 4 has entered the game. We started by texting, which was followed with some very nice phone conversations, and we're going to meet for drinks this weekend.  I'd had good feelings about Players 1 & 3 at the end of their respective dates which turned out to be completely wrong, but I've got a really good feeling about this one.  We're actually having successful phone conversations which is a big plus cause I can be really awkward on the phone.  He seems genuinely interested and a little intrigued from our diverse topics of conversation.  He makes me laugh. :)

On The Road Again

I'm headed back down south.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to MS to pack all of my stuff up in boxes.  I figure I better do it now before I (hopefully) get a job.  Wouldn't want to ask for time off right after getting hired.  Gonna stay with some friends on the way there and back to break up the drive again.  They've been so awesome... I've stayed with them three times in the past few weeks and even had my cat with me the last trip through.  Their cats didn't appreciate us so much.

Not sure how things will go seeing the husband for a few days, but he'll be working a lot and I won't see him much.  I know we'll be polite, but I hope it's not as awkward as it was last time.  It probably will be though.  It's just an awkward situation all around now.

I've been doing okay.  I'm not in denial anymore and am accepting the way things are now.  I'm still sad and angry, but not as much as I was.  I'm actually starting to look forward to the future.  I'm sure the happy pills are playing a part in that, and I'm very thankful for them.  I'm hoping they'll help to curb my anxiety in some other areas of life as well.

I'm In

Into the study that is. I went back last week on the day before Thanksgiving (crazy traffic!), and my drug test came back negative (I was too paranoid to take anything, even cold medicine or ibuprofen, that whole week before), so I’m in. I went back yesterday for my first real study appointment.

I had to fast for it. My appointment was at one, but they didn’t do the physical and everything that goes with it until around three thirty. I’m not one to miss meals often so I was HUNGRY! Afterwards they gave me a tiny bag of chips and a Coke.

The rest of the appointment was rough. I did a phone interview with an automated dude on the other end about suicide. I talked to two very nice ladies, with a third observing, for a couple of hours and had to answer some very personal questions about a lot of aspects of my mental state that I normally wouldn’t ever discuss with anyone. I cried whenever the questions hit on an extra sensitive subject. It was really awkward discussing all these personal things with complete strangers just staring at me. I felt like they were judging me, but I guess that’s their job. It was all really embarrassing.

But it was worth it. I was given study drugs and I started taking them last night. I hope they help. So now I have a standing appointment once a week for a few weeks, then every two weeks until the three month mark when the study is over.

They decided since I’m not a druggie in one sense they can give me drugs of another kind. I just think that’s funny.

They think I'm a druggie...

I drove to Memphis this afternoon and had the initial evaluation at the clinical trial place, and it went okay. I guess. I arrived to an empty waiting room and was only in there a minute before I was escorted back and briefly interviewed. Apparently they don’t have any social anxiety trials open now, but the lady thought I would be good for one of their depression ones. After the interview I peed in a cup, had my blood pressure taken and was led back into her office. She sat down, looked at my file and said, “Well, your drug test came back positive for opiates and methamphetamine.”

Damn, they got me.

AS IF! All I could think about was freakin poppy seeds, which I haven't had any of. My face went blank and all I could manage to get out was a stammered “What?” as I saw her looking at me trying to figure out if I was lying to her. I told her about the cold I’m just now getting over, and she asked about all the medicines I’ve been taking. Then she disappeared to talk to the lab person again. When she returned she said that the opiates thing was a mistake and that the Nyquil I took could have caused the methamphetamine positive. So I get to go back next week and pee in a cup again. Oh joy.

I feel like this isn’t a great start for me there.

If I do get into the trial, it’s possible I might only get a placebo. That would suck. It was a nice three hour round trip drive though.

Yo Taco

I got home last night and it was a nice trip. So nice I wanted to escape reality for a bit longer and stayed an extra couple of days. The first half of the trip started early with me driving east into the bright sunrise. I sang very loudly and very badly, and it was very therapeutic. The Charlotte friends were awesome and we stayed up way too late. The parents were happy to see me and cooked my favorite childhood dishes. I ate brownies every single day.

Purdy table

I went furniture shopping with my mom, who is looking for an uber-modern couch. We didn’t find one she liked, but I fell in love with this table. It’s fantastic and tall like me and could be used as more food prep space when the counter is fully occupied. It can even hold some wine. Pair it with a beautiful collection of tall chairs I found and it’s the ultimate set. Adding it to the “One Day” list. When we arrived in the mattress department, the salesman who had been lurking behind us made it onto my “Creepy Old Man” list. His sales pitch involved asking me to lay down on one of the beds so he could put something under my back to see if I felt it. That obviously didn’t happen and we promptly left that section. I wonder if that’s ever worked for him. Mom and I also went to a store that goes crazy at Christmastime. They set up at least a couple dozen themed displays starting every September, and it’s always been tradition for us to check it out together. Didn’t think it would happen this year, so it was extra nice.


The goodbye was a tearful one, as I probably won’t see them again until next spring or summer. I headed back to Charlotte and saw an awesome truck on the way. Well, the truck itself wasn’t special, but what it said on the back made me laugh. It was a Toyota Tacoma, but some of the letters were gone and it read “Yo Taco”. I was amused and instantly hungry for Mexican food. Coincidently, that’s what we had for dinner, so go me.

My kind of traffic

The next day I shopped at Kohl’s and Bojangles' before leaving town. Kohl's is the only place I can find clothes I like and actually fit right, and there’s not one where I currently reside. The stop at Bojangles' was for steak biscuits as requested by the guys... we don't have one of those where we are now either. So four shirts (three for me [I only had like two that actually fit me beforehand] and one for the husband) and six steak biscuits in the cooler later, I started the long trek home. Luckily I missed Atlanta at lunchtime, but I did hit Birmingham at dinnertime in the rain with crappy windshield wipers. After that there was barely anyone on the road the rest of the way home. At one point the GPS decided to take me down a route she never has before. I was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but I saw the most gorgeous sunset that made the detour totally worth it.

Somewhere in Alabama

I arrived home to a nearly empty house. Both the guys were at work, but luckily the dog and the cat were at the door to greet me. The husband got home an hour or so later, followed by the roommate. I found out they watched True Blood without me and I was pissed. Haha. It’s a household ritual that we always watch it together, even if it’s days later because schedules are off. I guess they just couldn't wait to see the season finale. Oh well.


After nearly thirty hours total time of driving and bad singing, I think I'm starting to feel more at peace with our decision to put TTC on hold. I'm still very sad about it all, but I don't cry anymore when a song that mentions a baby comes on the radio. I guess that's something.

I found out this morning that I have my first official blog follower, and that made my day. So welcome follower, and thank you for bringing a smile to my face!

Shhh!

The Husband and The Roommate ready to
make an ice sculpture at culinary school.  
Faces removed for anonymity...
they'd kill me if they found this.

It’s hard gettin busy makin a baby when you’ve got a roommate. I love him to death and am happy he’s living with us, but it makes it kinda difficult sometimes. He and the husband went to culinary school together and both got a job with the same chef here. So, it made sense that we all live together while we’re all five hundred miles away from home. They work at different restaurants, but their shifts are often at the same time. Every now and then it works out where the husband is home when the roommate is not, and that turns into GO TIME! We usually get some alone time when it’s baby-dancing time, but no such luck this month. BD’ing was put on hold for a week until we got the ok from the doctor. The ok came yesterday, the same day the OPK turned positive, so we missed out on a few prime days.

He was too tired to go at it after work last night, so we decided we’d try in the morning before the roommate woke up. The roommate usually doesn’t get up until 1-2 in the afternoon, so we figured we’d be alright. (They don’t get off work until around 11pm-midnight, so we stay up pretty late.) This morning the husband wakes up and wants coffee and breakfast first, so I oblige. Then he’s finally ready, and we start doin our thang.

We can be quiet, but the bed rattles. The walls are thin. I guess we woke him up.
 

The Culprit

Eleven o’clock arrives a few minutes after we’re done, and he’s up. He’s never up that early. I was quite embarrassed. He was quiet and avoided eye contact. He knows we’re trying to get pregnant and is excited to be an “uncle”, but we’ve never done anything while he was in the house. I take that back, but he was in the shower that time.
 

Next time we’re moving it to the concrete floor with the comforter!

Syphilis

First, no, I don’t have it. Second, I’m not sure why, but I wanted to share this crazy story. I’m a little drunk right now and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe a funny story will lighten the mood? One day during my senior year of high school there was a blood drive. I signed up and went in. There was some guy in a creepy dog costume and he wanted to hug me. Not knowing who he was, I refused, but learned it was a friend and cautiously agreed to a semi-hug. Still creepy. They gave me a form to fill out. Recently being treated for rabies (yeah, that was fun) sent up a red flag for the blood drive personnel, but then they said it was long enough ago that my blood should be okay to donate. I received a letter a little while later telling me my blood type and that my blood was all good. That was the first time I donated.

The second was a few months later at a blood drive during my first few days at college. I was so nervous about college in general that I wasn’t eating much. That day I hadn’t eaten lunch before hand and went on in. They tied the rubber band around my arm and inserted the needle. Then they couldn’t figure out why the blood wasn’t flowing into the bag. Aha! They hadn’t untied the band! What do you know, it flowed nicely afterwards. Then it was off to the Honor’s College introduction to the library. Really? A library introduction? As thrilling as it was, it was all I could do not to pass out. No food + loss of blood = no good! I had to kneel and, of course, everyone stared. Great.

A month or so later I get a call from my mom saying I’d received some mail from the Red Cross. She didn’t know why, but something told her to open it. Stammering the whole time she informed me, “Honey, they tested your blood, and there’s something wrong.” At first I’m thinking, what the hell? I grew up in a poor county and never trusted the health department... I’d gotten a hepatitis shot there during the summer and I’m thinking they gave me HIV or something. “Honey, it says you might have syphilis!” I started laughing immediately, as I was still a virgin at that point.

“Mom, there’s no way.”

“Honey, it says here you tested positive.”

She then told me the Red Cross had run three tests. The first was positive, the second inconclusive, and the third negative. So, in the end, they decided I didn’t have syphilis, but I still wasn’t allowed to donate blood for a year. As it turned out the hepatitis vaccine had tainted my blood somehow and suggested syphilis.

I haven’t donated blood since.