I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.

Snowy Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I am feeling so full of hope.  Maybe because I always enjoy my birthday.  A lot of days I don't feel so hopeful or useful or successful, but on my birthday, for at least one day of the year, I let myself feel special.

I'm 31 today, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It's a beautiful snow day.  We got about ten inches yesterday, which is pretty unheard of in this part of the state.  There's supposed to be a wintry mix of precipitation for a good part of today that will switch to just rain later.  So hopefully the roads will be okay later for me to travel on to see my wonderful boyfriend.  I really want some birthday nookie, hehe.

I'm very thankful for him, not just for the nookie.  He's got a unique personality which has taken me awhile to get truly familiar with, but I love him dearly for it.  It's taken him awhile to navigate my personality too, but now that we know each other so well, we click amazingly. 

I've already received so many well birthday wishes from friends and family, and it warms my heart to think that so many people care about me.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

I've got this crazy guy...

I joked he was warning me not to cut his nails, but he was really just yawning.  He and my wild pups round out my life and make it so fun.

On this cold day, I have a warm house and food to eat.  These are just a few, and I have so many more things to be thankful for.

Including pancakes.

Which I'm going to make right now.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

End of the Year Post

Hello there!  Hope you all had joyful holidays.  Mine was pretty decent!  I made out like a bandit at Christmas and feel very spoiled... I'm typing from my new computer right now.  The boyfriend didn't propose, but he did ask my ring size the other night... eek!  I showed him a picture of what I want a couple of months ago, but he'd been drinking some, so I worked another picture into the series of texts kind of jokingly.  He ended them by saying that when the day comes he'll try his best.  You can't ask a girl her ring size then say "Well, when the day comes"!!  The romantic in me is hoping he's just trying to throw me off and will actually propose on New Year's Eve.  We'll see!

The roommate left yesterday.  Her husband surprised her Christmas night by calling her from the local airport.  He hadn't been due in until the 26th, but wanted to be a late evening gift.  They packed up a trailer full of her stuff Thursday night, which is when we said our goodbyes before bed.  Then she had to freakin show up at my work yesterday, coffee in hand like she's done so many times before.  I was so hoping she wouldn't do that, because of course I cried and once I start I can't stop, and everything made me cry the rest of the day.  Damn her.

I ended up having to leave early yesterday anyway because of my back.  I've had this nerve pain for a few months now that was horrible yesterday.  Not sure if it's the sciatic nerve or what, but it's most painful in my lower back and shoots down my leg.  It's normally a little painful almost every day, but it was the worst it's ever been yesterday.  I could barely walk or move.  The drive home was fun.

So, I have the house to myself now.  It's very quiet.  The pooch has actually been at the boyfriend's house since Wednesday.  I figured it would make all the packing and loading of the trailer easier for the roommate if he wasn't there barking his head off the whole time.  Then I didn't pick him up as scheduled last night because I hurt too much to drive.  It's lonely without my puppy, but the cat has enjoyed it.  I usually stay at the boyfriend's house every Saturday night, but he'll be staying here for the first time tonight!!  I can't wait.  (Finally get to have sex in my new house!!  hehe)  He'll bring my pup back and bring his too, so it'll be a full house once again for a little bit.  I can't wait for him to move in, but I will thoroughly enjoy having the place all to myself for a bit! :)

Kinda Craptastic Things

It's crazy how people from your past can still affect you.  I got a FB message this morning from a guy I went to high school with who kinda made my life hell back then.  He was asking a work-related question, and now I'm thinking he may use the services of my workplace.  And for some reason, that's got me feeling all queasy inside.  I like to leave my past in the past.  I haven't seen him in probably eleven years, and I'd like to keep it that way.  I dunno.  Just weird.

I kinda saw some sea turtles released back into the ocean yesterday.  It was crazy crowded, but cool to kinda see them swimming away.  We got there late, and the best vantage point was from standing in the water a little ways.  My pants got a good bit wet.  As we were walking back to the car, I saw a man go to the farthest picnic table (which really wasn't that far) and totally strip down, dry off and change clothes.  Awkward, but he had a nice ass.  My "sister" drove, and I think we almost died about ten times.  Seriously, she drives crazy, and we almost rear ended people at least seven or eight times, no lie.  We went to a buffet pizza place for dinner, and she had her daughter try a bite of one of the dessert ones thinking she'd like it.  Nope.  That girl cried and screamed like I've never seen her before.  It was rather embarrassing.  She finally got her calmed down, but for some reason thought it would be a good idea to offer it to her again.  And the girl started crying and carrying on all over again.  It was awesome.  I do want kids, right?

I had a plan for today to get my first mortgage payment taken care of.  I went through a different bank than I normally use to get the home loan.  I just learned yesterday (although they said they'd told me with the original paperwork... nope!) that although I set up my mortgage loan through their bank, it had actually been serviced by another one.  The bank I normally use, actually.  I think I would have remembered them telling me that, but oh well.  I had been planning to go into my bank today to get an auto draft set up so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing checks, but I logged into my online account this morning and found my mortgage info sitting right there with a nice little "Make Payment" button.  So, there went my need to go into the bank and my plans to go grocery shopping afterward.  Now, on this lovely day off, I don't need to go anywhere.  I kinda do need food, but I'm content surviving off what little is here for the day and going shopping after work tomorrow.  Imma be a bum today.

I've been thinking more about the online dating thing, and I'm still not sure if I want to try it yet.  I created this little gem this morning...

I'd always wanted to attempt to make one, and figured I'd give it a shot.  It's funny, but it's also kinda not.  I'm 30, have no idea if I'll be able to get pregnant or not and really don't want to sort through all the BS that is dating.  Can't I just put it all out there and reel in a winner?  I don't think it works like that.

Once again I'm rethinking things with the ex-boyfriend.  We had dinner at his (our) place Monday night and watched a movie while cuddling on the couch.  Seriously, if he had given me half as much attention as he does now, I could have overlooked a ton of our other issues when we were together.  That's the kind of affection I need on a regular basis to feel secure.  If I feel loved by a guy, the other stuff doesn't seem as bad.  But are his other things that bad?  Would I want to have a lifelong partner like him even if he did give me that affection?  Ugh!  He's moving out this weekend, and I'm going over there Saturday evening to clean the carpets and whatever else needs to be done.  We've both pretty much implied that we want to have sex that night.  I think we've got to stop that if I have any chance of wanting to start to date again.  Do I want to let him go?

A Week of Lasts

Yesterday was an awesome day.  It was the last day off the bf and I will have together before going our separate ways.  We hung out, we played games, we grilled and drank and talked.  We got along really well the entire time, and even he said he wanted the evening to be longer so we'd have more time together.  I'm very sad now, even though I know it's for the best.  He asked me yesterday if I still wanted us to be friends, and I said yes because I really do.  Overall he's a pretty decent guy, it's just some of our core values are very different which is not conducive to a life long happiness together or raising children.  Anyways, we're gonna have puppy play dates and we're still gonna watch Game of Thrones together.  Maybe this will be a good way to ease back into being single, to still hang out a little instead of going cold turkey.

Today is my last day off before closing on the new house.  This was the last morning I'll sleep in here and wake up to the bf's cuddle puppy in my face wanting nothing more than to be loved.  In the new house though maybe my dog will want to sleep on the bed again since it'll be less crowded and maybe I'll get to wake up to him.

Tomorrow night will be the last night I drive home from my weekly dinner with my "sister" and look for lights coming through my front door window to see if the bf is still awake.  Only five more nights of watching basketball with him.  Only five more nights of laying on his chest in bed at night falling asleep to a movie.

I only want to remember the good things about being with him and let go of the bad ones.  I'm all lovey and extra sad about our parting today because we had sex yesterday.  I can't have sex without getting emotionally re-attached all over again.  I'm guessing that's why my "friends with benefits" thing with the guy before him didn't work out so well.  Anyway, whenever we have sex, the next few days we're all lovey and hands on, and that's gonna make this week even harder.  No more sex.  Which sucks because he's freakin amazing.

Moving on... today I must finish packing.  Most everything is already in boxes, but I want to take advantage of this last full day off and get all the rest done too.  Gotta climb up in the attic and drag down all the Christmas stuff.  Go through all the closets and drawers to make sure I haven't overlooked something.  Keep my mind occupied.

Party Gals Party

aka Sex Toy Party

I went to my first one yesterday evening after work.  My boss actually put it together when she found out two of our fellow employees had never used a battery-operated toy.  Everyone from work was invited and it was pretty convenient as it was directly after everyone got off (ha!) and in the back room of the building.  Of course lots of people said they would come but they chickened out.  Only four of us from work showed, but several of our non-employee friends attended.  I think there were seven of us all together.  Small, but it led to some interesting conversations.

There were lots of toys to play with and several that I have owned in the past.  I used to have a lot of toys, but got rid of them awhile after I got married.  When I got divorced I got a glass one that I didn't particularly care for and another vibrator that has been less than stellar.  So, I picked myself up a new one yesterday... a style that I have not tried before and am looking forward to devirginizing.  Is it weird to say you're going to devirginize a toy?  Oh well.

We tasted a lot of edible potions which I was not a big fan of.  I'd never tried anything flavored before and I probably won't again anytime soon.  There were some oils and pheromone sprays that smelled pretty good, but I don't plan on using anything like that for awhile, so I decided to put my money towards the fun for me item.

Unless someone magnificent comes along out of the blue, I don't plan on actively pursuing anyone new for awhile after I move.  I feel like I need to be on my own for a bit and figure out who I am on my own again.  Learn to let go of some of the bad dating habits I've developed this past year so I can be fair to the next fella who comes along somewhere down the line.

And for that I'll need my new toy.  ;)

And the verdict is...

I'm pretty sure I've decided on House #1!  I was mostly set on #2 for a while, but changed my mind yesterday.  When I think of #2 it's practical, but I'm really not crazy about it.  When I think of #1 I get excited and can totally see myself living in it.  So that pretty much answered my question.  I've been totally stoked since the decision and am so ready to make an offer once the financing comes through.  The realtor called me yesterday and we're going to look at both of them one more time this week.  She had gotten me in contact with a mortgage specialist last week and asked about that yesterday too, but I haven't heard from that lady in several days.  The realtor is going to call her tomorrow, and I guess we'll go from there.  Fingers crossed!

I can't think straight I'm so excited.  I bought my first house at 21 and am so ready to get another one again now at 30.  So ready.  I had a dream last night that another offer had been put in on it and accepted before mine and I was devastated!  My dreams were all bad last night though.  The boyfriend was a complete insensitive jerk when it came to painful sex from the endo.  He decided to sleep on the couch part of the night, but made it back into the bedroom around 2am.  This morning I've been nice but have stayed away from him, and we didn't talk about it at all.  I guess he felt bad, and an uncharacteristically long hug from him a few minutes ago was his form of an apology.  We've only got three months left, and it just doesn't seem worth it to confront him anymore.  I don't have the energy.

Only three more months before I'm moving into my new place... hopefully House #1!

Turn, turn, turn, turning me on...

I think I know why I'm so in love with Matt Nathanson's music... a lot of his songs are pure sex.  They're so visual and sensual and make me yearn.  The way he wriggles and writhes while he's performing drives me crazy.  Have you seen the various videos for "Run"?  He and Jennifer Nettles have some serious on-stage chemistry.  I deeply regret not seeing them in Nashville when they were touring together last year... I bet it was an amazing performance.

I want that passion.  I need that in a relationship.  I want a man who wants it as much as I do.  I want to touch, to be touched out of pure desire.  I want a man who I can have that with for a lifetime.

I must be going through my cliched "bad boy" phase right now, because I only feel that desire with them.  And they're freakin married, so I can't act on it.  They're not of the highest morals anyway (I guess that's why I call them "bad boys"?), so it's not like I could have actually made a life with either one even if they were single.

Okay, time to find another nice boy who's a sexual freak behind closed doors.  Can you list that on a dating site?  Looking for:  "Nice guy who wants to get busy all the time."

Happiness is...

I took my last happy pill yesterday morning.  Been on them a year now and decided not to try to get the prescription renewed... refilled... whatever.  I want to see if I can maintain this current control of emotions without them.  Apparently they have a long half-life and it can take awhile before they're fully out of the system.  I hope I don't go all bat-shit emotional again.  I can do this!

Apparently they are also known to kill your sex drive, and come to think of it, mine has been pretty low for the past year so maybe it'll come back.  Not that there's anyone to have sex with, but that's another whatever...  The one person I would want to no longer wants to with me, and the only two people who have made it known that they do with me are married, and that's just not gonna happen.  Why am I only attracting hot married guys lately?  That's just cruel.

Boy and Body Troubles

I was looking at old pictures of my ex the other day and all I could think was, "That's my husband."  But he's not anymore.  Some days I'm glad, some days I'm devastated that he's not.  Some days I'm happy to be able to roam and mingle, some days I miss the comfort of having my someone.  Him as my someone.  Some days I completely understand why we didn't work out, some days I still wonder why we didn't try harder.

Got the boy to open up a little more last night.  He hasn't been in a relationship for three years but says he wants to settle down and have a family, so I couldn't understand why he wasn't pursuing one now.  He said he's just not ready yet and still wants to wait a few years.  Maybe he doesn't think I'm the right one for him, which I totally get because he's not really right for me.  Either way, I feel better about the situation and about what is and isn't going on between us.

That being said, last night didn't go so well in the bedroom.  For the first time with him, sex hurt.  We tried everything, but it just didn't get any better, and we had to stop.  I tried my damnedest, but I just couldn't help it... I couldn't hold back the tears.  Not from the pain, but from the anger and frustration I felt because of it.  I still blame it for being part of what went wrong in my marriage.  I'm terrified that it's going to keep me from ever having a fully satisfying relationship in that regard.  I'm scared it's going to scare someone else away.  The boy was great about it, but I could tell it freaked him out a little.

It all makes me really sad.

"Live Free or Twi-hard"

I just saw the new Twilight movie.  The first time seeing any of them in a theater.  And guess freakin what!?  I cried.  Only a little, but there were noticeable tears.  Was it at something tear-worthy?  No!  Was it when (stop reading now if you don't want details about the movie) Bella was walking down the beautiful freakin isle?  No!  Was it when she found out she was pregnant?  No!  (Although there was a "Really?  Just like that?" moment.)  Was it when she died?!?  No!!!

It was when she woke up crying because she dreamed she actually got to have sex with her husband!!!!  After the first time she'd been wanting to again because, duh!, but he wouldn't because he didn't want to hurt her.  Yes, caring on his part.  But she wanted it!!  She wanted to feel close to her man!!  She'd waited that whole freakin time to do it and then he wouldn't anymore!!!  UGH!!!

I also got sad when she said she couldn't imagine it being any better than it was.  All I could think about was if I'll ever feel that good from sex.  If I'll ever get to experience it like it seems everyone else does.

And guess WTF else!  My friends with benefits guy hasn't wanted to benefit lately.  The last few times we've hung out he's barely touched me.  Is it me??  Have I scared another one away??

So tired of these stupid men!!!

Cross it off the list...

What a pretty damn near perfect weekend.  I got to do something I've always wanted to... I stayed in bed practically all day just because I could.  It was heaven.  Woke up late, dozed on and off, watched some movies and even a little football... Oh yeah, it totally didn't hurt that I got to cuddle close and, ahem, do some other things throughout the day with a certain boy "friend".  It was crazy fantastic.

Didn't get out of bed until about 7pm, and that was only to migrate to the living room couch to watch a really freakin scary movie.  (Scary movies aren't so bad anymore. ;) )  After that it was a little more football and back to bed.  Woke up late again this morning and lounged for awhile.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Now I'm back at home, and it feels weird to be sleeping alone.  I really don't care for it much.

Toy Story

Just a warning... I'm getting very personal... about gettin' busy... with myself.  I've written about sex before, but not sex toys.  Here we go!

I used to have a bunch of toys.  Different shapes, sizes, materials, uses.  I obtained them before meeting the husband, before being devirginized, and before even hearing of (forget being diagnosed with) endometriosis.  I enjoyed the vibrators, obviously, but not so much the penetration-oriented ones.  Never could get one in without intense pain.  I could stick a big ol' tampon up in there, but forget the actual fake penis thing.  (Yes, they're different, but similar concept.)  Not sure what the whole hymen situation was back then, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't much to speak of after allllll those years.

Anyways, after I was officially deflowered by an actual penis, the toys felt a little better.  But still not great.  They went in a lot easier, but they weren't really anything special.  They ended up not getting used much after I got hitched, so they were all discretely disposed of.

Now, I've never really discussed toys with friends or done any interwebz research, so I don't know if they're really supposed to create an orgasmic experience on their own anyway.  I keep wondering though, like everything else, if maybe it's just me.  Maybe they just don't feel great to me.  I have talked to friends about their experience with sex itself and how it feels for them.  None have endo, and I WANT TO FREAKIN SCREAM!!!  Sex for normal people must be absolutely fantastic.  They use words like awakening, mind blowing, life altering.  I WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT!!!

Anyways, back to the toys... I recently got my first glass one.  "Cleverly curved for g-spot stimulation" with an attachable 10-function bullet.  Waited a few days for the roommate to start a multi-day work shift because it was supposed to be a little loud, and finally got to try it out yesterday.  The bullet was freakin fantastic.  The actual glass... not so much.  Given, nothing resembling anything phallic has been anywhere near me, much less inside me, for about six months now.  It's possible I may have tightened right on up a little over the past half of a freakin year, but this thing really isn't very large in diameter (chosen purposely to "ease" my way back into the swing of things).

I made sure I took my time, played a little and was good and "ready" beforehand.  It got where it was intended to go, but it really didn't feel that great.  It hurt.  I couldn't even tolerate it that long, and here I am still in pain the next day.  Just like after actual sex.  How the hell am I supposed to have actual sex with a real live human man ever again without sending him running for the hills?!?!  GAAAAHH!!!!!

Here we go again...

For me, sex has always been something that makes people go away.  Whether I'm having it with them or not.  If I'm not, then they move on because I'm not.  The one man I have had sex with said he didn't want to because the fact that it hurt me hurt him.  So, damned if I do and damned if I don't?

I'm scared to have sex with someone else.  I'm scared it's going to hurt, and if it does, I'm scared that that fact will scare him away.  Not that there's even a "him" to potentially scare away right now.

I just don't know what to do.  Should I wait until I find someone to really care about and hope it goes well?  Or should I go ahead and find out with someone who it's only a physical thing with so there's no emotional rift between us if it doesn't go well?  Will I eventually find someone who will still want to make love to me even though he knows it hurts me?

Yes, there is pain a lot of the time, but to me it's worth it to be able to be with the one I care about.  The pain is temporary.  The feelings that I'm loved, wanted and desired that I get from sex with someone I care about far outlast the pain.

I know I'm a freakin broken record and keep coming back to this subject.  I wish I could just get it over with and move on already.  I wish I could let myself do that.

A Decade Late

Last night was relatively tame compared to my past two Saturdays.  I didn't kiss anyone, I didn't get groped or feel anyone else up.  Yet, I kinda wish something had happened.  Is it wrong to want physical interaction with someone of the opposite sex without a commitment?  I keep going back and forth with myself on this topic.  Ideally, I would like the commitment, but I'm not sure I can do that right now.  Emotionally I just don't think I could really open up to someone else just yet.

I waited 24 years to be physically intimate with someone and I feel I've barely tapped into what all it could be.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I want to have my own sexual revolution.  I want to be able to let go, relax and let myself feel okay with it.  So, is it okay to pursue something like that?  Is that something I could let myself do?

I've never really had that mindset.  I've always believed in the "traditional" route.  But that didn't work.  Times changed a long time ago, but I'm still mainly of the old thinking.  Can I try something different and still be true to who I am?  Would I turn into someone who I don't respect, and at what point would that be?

I feel so stupid to be going through this at 28... shouldn't this have happened something like ten or so years ago?

More Irony

All day today I've been thinking about sex.  I got EWCM this morning and am supposedly fertile right now, so it makes sense that all I can think about is doing the dirty. 

But, literally two minutes ago it just dawned on me that exactly five years ago today I got dumped by a guy who was confused as to why I didn't want to have sex.  I was still a virgin at that point, and it totally baffled him why I had waited so long to give it up.  I was waiting for that special someone.  I guess I didn't think he was it.

The guy I was with right before I got with the husband dumped me for the same reason, even though we weren't technically dating.  Then he told me the day after the husband and I started officially dating that he wanted more than just sex.  But I didn't see a future with him and had made a commitment to the husband because I could see a future with him and wanted to pursue it.

I don't know why, but right now I just think all of that is kind of funny.

Sex, or lack thereof...

I'm mad at endometriosis and feel like blaming it for ending my marriage right now.  Sex has never felt great, and I blame that on the endo.  The husband has been the only man I've ever slept with.  I was waiting for love and when I found it I was 24 and had built sex up like crazy over the years.  I'd never really trusted men and was thankful to be comfortable enough with him to go for it.  The first few times we had sex were not pleasant, but I chalked it up to me being really nervous.  Over time it became more pleasurable, but not always.  More often than not it wasn't.  But I LOVED being with my husband and constantly got crazy worked up wanting to jump him.

After awhile though he didn't seem as interested in sex anymore.  I wondered if I was doing something wrong or if he was just losing attraction for me.  What I didn't learn from him until recently was that every time we had sex that was painful for me, it really affected him.  I tried my damnedest, but sometimes during the act I would tear up.  Definitely not the best thing, I know, but I couldn't help it... it really hurt!  I assured him it wasn't because of him, that it was my stupid body, but it really got to him.

Then sex became so infrequent that it was a big issue for us.  I wanted it, but it seemed like he never did.  There was so much tension and stress involved with it all that it turned him off completely.  He hadn't really shared any of that with me though, and every time I tried to talk to him about our lack of a sex life he would get upset.  The only time he ever really yelled at me was during one of those talks.

Not that I'm interested in dating any time soon, but I can't help but wonder how it's all supposed to go down in the future.  When I'm ready to have sex again, what the hell am I supposed to do?  Give fair warning that it may not go so well, hope he doesn't lose his boner and gives it a shot anyway?  Or just go for broke and pray that I don't end up in tears and scare another one away?

And, for that matter, when the hell am I supposed to bring up endometriosis and the fact that I may have trouble getting pregnant?  A few dates in before anyone gets really emotionally involved?  Well into the relationship when we start talking about the future?  After he proposes?

Right now I can't even picture myself ever feeling comfortable enough with another man to even get to the point of sex or marriage.

UGH!!  I'm so mad that I actually have to think about all this!!  I was with the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with, and he said he would stand by my side in dealing with all this endo crap.  I was so happy to have him and know that it was him and me taking on the world together.  That I wouldn't ever have to face anything alone again.

Right now I'm blaming you, endometriosis.  Not only have you caused me great physical pain throughout my life, you have now contributed to the greatest emotional pain I've ever experienced.  Thanks for that.

Counting The Days

13... approximate days until my next cycle starts

17... days until I start taking Clomid

18... days until I turn into a basket case due to the Clomid (hopefully not though)
25... days until it's time to start baby-makin!

30... days until I start obsessing over every "symptom" convinced it's because I'm totally knocked up

If everything goes according to plan and my body cooperates, that is.  I got the official go-ahead Friday to start taking Clomid next cycle, and I can't wait!  This month has been pure torture with so much waiting and counting down.  I started temping and using OPKs again just to make sure that I'm ovulating, which I'm pretty sure I did, but a couple of days late.  That's okay though.

The problem has been the no sex thing.  I'm nearing the end of my 30-day waiting period for the anti-depressants to work their way out of my system, and that's meant no nookie during the fertile days.  Paranoid chick that I am, it also meant none for the entire week or so before those days too.

So of course that would be the time the primal force inside which demands to reproduce started screaming "Must get busy!  Must get busy right now!!"  It was pretty adamant, and I think I got the female equivalent of blue balls at least once.  I've read that you tend to get more aroused when you're about to ovulate which is nature's way of ensuring procreation.  I've never really gotten that way around O time in the past but boy did I last week, the one time I couldn't do a damn thing about it.  Lets hope it comes back around next month.  

Lets also hope the husband continues working mornings and the roommate continues working evenings too, or else it could get awkward again.