Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Not even pregnant and I get an epidural...

How cruel is that?

I finally met with my surgeon yesterday and the disc has NOT ruptured again!!  He said the nerve root channel is narrower because of the amount of disc that has been removed and there's also scar tissue around the nerve.  So it's staying irritated.  The plan now is to get an epidural cortisone-type injection... eek.  But it's better than another surgery.  The other option is lumbar fusion which neither of us wants now!

The written interpretation of the MRI was put in my medical records online, and I found an interesting little tidbit.  "Numerous large calcified gallstones are present."  Isn't that just fantastic.  If I hadn't discovered that myself, no one would have told me.  My back surgeon didn't because he wasn't looking up there.  Is it his responsibility to tell me even though he's just concerned with my lower back?  Is he required to look over all the results, or just the portion he's tending to?  I really don't know.  No other doctor is going to see the results.  I've had no symptoms, so I guess I'll just keep an eye on that myself.

Moving on.  Surprisingly, for very brief moments the ex actually got me thinking about us getting back together.  All week I've had little thoughts creeping into my mind which got me remembering the good times we had.  Then common sense would kick in and remind me how emotionally unsupportive and distant he usually was.  I couldn't be happy with that forever.  Still though, it would be so easy to just fall back together, and I wondered about it.  But last night finally did it for me.  I dreamed we did just that and it wasn't good.  I regretted it immediately and wanted out, so I guess that's my answer.  Just needed my subconscious to back me up.

I've been practice talking to guys, if that makes sense.  I've never been good at conversation, especially on dates with men, so I thought I could take this time away from dating to work on my lack of skills.  There's a popular messaging app where you can pretty much make up your info and talk to people.  So I created one of those and started conversing with a few fellas.  They're all relatively local, but I didn't post a picture and haven't been quite honest answering some questions.  I fib on my line of work and particular details about my life just in case I were to ever meet them on the street.  Not that that's likely to happen, but you never know.  And you can't be too safe on the internet.  It's been fun so far, and maybe my next first date won't be so awkward.

No Matter What

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.  Maybe it's because the boyfriend and I are getting closer to official engagement and have been talking about it more often.  Maybe it's because we've been discussing other long-term plans more.

Maybe it's because I had a dream about the ex-husband a few days ago.  I think he was more symbolic than anything because in the dream marriage was forever by law, and he was legally required to move in with me.  We were sitting in the kitchen discussing our lives and what had happened between us in the past.  I won't lie... I woke up missing him a little.

But more than anything I was left wanting that forever-no-matter-what commitment.  Which I feel mostly confident enough to say now I think I've got with the boyfriend.  I would say I know I have it, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that people and minds change.  You just never know.  But I do know that he's the one I want to try to have it with.

I love him so much, but sometimes he makes me so mad and to the point that I wonder why we're still together.  Why I kept going back to him.  Why I still love him.  But every day he shows me how he loves me, and when I look at him, even through that anger I want my life to unfold next to him.  I want our lives to play out together.  I want to see what the future has for us.

I heard a part of Sonnet 116 recently, and it's been repeating in my head.  Who knows if I'm interpreting it correctly, but here's what I got out of it.  I like to think we have that strong love now.  I realize that I bended in the earlier part of our relationship.  I was the remover.  He is like no one I had been with before, and some of that scared me.  I didn't think I could be happy with him.  But then again, I'm not sure I was fully in love at that point.  I believe I was on the way, but I wasn't there yet.

My heart knew better though and wouldn't allow me to fully let him go.  It continued to tell me to give it another shot.  I'm glad it did.

Pulling Pigtails

I've been having a ton of very vivid dreams lately and I think it's because of the pain meds.  Last night I woke myself up apparently acting out part of my dream.  In this one I was at a park and had a bag of clothes sitting on a picnic table.  I guess I was going somewhere that night?  Anyways, I had walked away for a few minutes and when I returned there was a little girl with pigtails going through my bag and tossing my clothes everywhere.  I remember my pretty pair of red undies getting thrown into the dirt.

The mother of the child was about thirty feet away, and I was trying to get her attention to no avail.  So I did the next logical thing... I reached out to grab the girl by one of her pigtails to get her to stop.

And that's when I woke up knocking over the glass of water on my nightstand.  Somehow I managed to catch the glass, but not before about half of the water went all over my phone.  I have no idea how that happened, but luckily my phone was unfazed.

I woke myself up talking out a dream the other night.  I dream about work a lot.  They're usually about me going back after all this, and everything's different or it's crazy busy.

Very strange.

Last night I dreamed...

So many things that jumped around to many different settings and subjects.

The boyfriend and I were in a jewelry store looking for an engagement ring, but for some reason he wouldn't directly ask the woman behind the counter for what he wanted.  I was getting flustered and spit out, "Do you have a...."  She informed me that I would have to put a nonrefundable deposit in this little envelope thing and take it to the store next door just to look at, not even buy, loose diamonds.  I was really mad then and started yelling that I'd never been to a jewelry store that did that and demanded to know why they didn't have rings for me to try on.  She stayed calm and explained the store policy to me and asked if I'd like to make the deposit.  I said no and felt bad that she didn't get a "sale", so I left her a tip.

I was at some fair type thing and ran into my infertile cousin.  I asked her if she or my aunt had ever been formally diagnosed with anything, then had to actually explain to her what endo is.  She then walked me over to a booth with two "adoption specialists."  Two men in suits and ties who kept dodging my questions.  They wouldn't answer with any specifics and really didn't seem to know anything.

I was at some party in this really expensive house.  I kept running into people I knew and stopped to chat with them all for awhile.  Some man walked up to me while I was talking to friends and joined the conversation.  After awhile it was just him and me, and he took me by the arm and led me down a really narrow hallway with half a dozen bedroom doors partially open.  Everyone inside them was having sex.  I tried to get away, but he led me into a bathroom and kind of shoved me down onto a built in bench.  I tried to crawl away, but he came up behind me and grabbed my hips.  (Luckily that one ended there.  Pretty scary.)

I was somehow back in Mississippi in my old house with the ex and roommate and his new girlfriend.  The ex and I were back together, and it didn't feel right.  All this time that's passed and the events that have occurred since we split up had all still happened... we had still gotten divorced, I had still been with the now boyfriend.  But we were somehow back together, even though it didn't feel right.  I got to see my old dog and met the new dog he'd gotten.  They had been overfeeding my cat, and I told them the food was expensive and they would be buying the next bag.

These were in no particular order and just a few of the many that came and went all night it seemed.  I woke up feeling a little confused.

Lingering Dreams

I had a strange dream last night, and it's memory has lingered throughout the day.  I don't remember how it started or where I was exactly, but I got a phone call... on a land line on a phone with one of those old school curly cords.  It was my aunt.  The one I haven't really spoken to in over ten years.  She was saying something about her and my uncle coming to visit and that they were already at the door with two little ones.  I looked at the front door which had a window over the top of it.  I saw my for some reason outrageously tall uncle's head out the window.  I opened the door and there they were, each with an infant twin in their arms.  I was feeling confusion and panic as they came in.  We walked into a living room and one of them handed me one of the babies.  The child immediately started crying inconsolably, and I said something about it not being able to see it's sibling.  I turned so he/she could see the other one, and it immediately quieted down.  Then I woke up.

So strange.  It almost felt like they were bringing me the kids to keep.  That was why the confusion and panic.  I had no clue who the children were or where they came from yet, but immediately deep down I was totally okay with it.  I wanted them. 

The dream was so brief, but the feelings it brought up were deep, and it's been replaying in my mind all day.  I probably had it because I was thinking of my aunt and cousin yesterday.  My family doesn't really talk.  There was a falling out when my grandmother passed about eleven years ago.  I had nothing to do with any of the events that transpired, but my mom and aunt didn't talk for many years.  They've started again recently, which is nice.

Anyways, this is the aunt that I believe has endo.  I don't know if she was ever officially diagnosed with anything, but she had horrible periods and eventually had a hysterectomy.  This I knew while growing up and is why I never went to a doctor, thinking it just ran in the family.  I found out about four years ago that her daughter, my cousin, was never able to conceive and actually adopted a little girl two years before that!  I never heard if she was diagnosed with anything either.

Such a strange feeling to be carrying this dream around all day.

Pondering life in a car dealership waiting area...

When I was in Raleigh, my friend and I were talking about goals and dreams.  She mentioned how back in high school she had what is now called a bucket list and how she realized she'd already done everything on it.  She was kind of surprised, but I definitely wasn't.  That's exactly who and how she was in her teenage years and early 20s... she went and accomplished anything she set her mind to.  She said she now needs a new list, but she's not sure what to put on it just yet.

That got me thinking about how I've never really had such a list.  Never really wanted one.  I've just kinda be-bopped through life doing stuff here and there that would hopefully guide me towards accomplishing the only real thing I've wanted my entire life... to fall (and stay) in love and have children.  I just want a family.  I asked my friend if that meant I was unambitious.  She replied that that was a huge goal in itself.  I then wondered out loud why the thing you want the most is the hardest to get/accomplish.  She had a simple reply... you'll appreciate it more.  Yes, I know I will.  But is all the shit you gotta go through to get there really necessary?

Is there really a reason for why things happen the way they do?  Or does life just happen to suck sometimes as we search for our happiness?  Is it all about the choices we make? How much of it is the random circumstances we have no control over?

My car is getting a lot of work done right now, and I'm thinking about all this in the waiting room... is that normal?

You never stop loving somebody...

I'm crazy about this guy... the boyfriend, that is.  It's still weird calling him that.  But as much as I like him, I keep having tiny freak outs now and then.  I keep thinking "This isn't right!  He's not the ex.  I won't ever be as happy as I was with him."  But then I think, "No, he's not the ex.  The ex did you wrong, is gone and isn't coming back.  You really like this guy, and he really likes you.  Appreciate how wonderful that is and keep moving forward."

The saying "You never stop loving somebody, you just start loving somebody else" (quite possibly from a Big & Rich song?)... is it true?  Will I always carry around a little flame for my ex?  Does it ever really go away completely?

Now, different topic... What does dreaming you're trapped in a battleship during a tornado mean?  What about trying to start a fire, but it won't light, then it roars into a huge bonfire?  What about trying to take pictures, but the color doesn't show up?  What about almost being raped in my closet?  What about planting oak trees?  What about having a motel room where the dividing wall to the next room is only a curtain that doesn't really shut all the way?  I dreamed all these last night, plus a bunch more.  They were very strange.

Broken Record

I keep having the same dream.  I'm yelling at the ex telling him everything I'm thinking and am still angry about.  Things I wish I could tell him in person but probably never would if given the chance.  This is so frustrating!  I just want to let him go and move on.  I'm tired of still being hung up on him and being dragged down thinking about him.  It's almost been ten months since we separated.  Is it normal to still feel this messed up that long afterward?

I keep picturing him and his girlfriend and how happy they probably are.

I think I need stronger happy pills.

Looking Ahead, Kinda

I've dreamed about the ex a couple of times in the past few days.  But instead of yelling at him like in most of them, we were talking and laughing about some old memory or traveling together as friends.  Even in the dreams it felt weird talking to and being around him like that, but it felt like progress.  I wonder if we'll ever be able to be friends.  We're not in communication with each other at all now, haven't been for months.  I don't know about for him, but for me it just hurts too much.  It hurts to even think about him.  In the back of my mind I'm still mourning the loss of that life I thought we would have.  He was my person, the one who knew and understood me the best.  I miss that.

I don't know if I can keep doing this casual thing with the new boy.  I'm really enjoying the physical aspects of it (is it sad that I like the cuddling the best?), and I can talk to him but I miss that emotional intimacy.  That part of it is just not there between us.  Not that it's supposed to be with the "arrangement" we have, but I find myself longing for it.  And not necessarily with him anymore.

I have my own version of a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet.  It's the one from my friend's Blessingway Ceremony.  You're supposed to wear it until the baby's born, but I never took mine off.  I joke that it's my "What's Gonna Get Me Knocked Up?" bracelet, but it does serve as a reminder to do what I need to get my life going in the direction I want it to again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to get married.  I want to have children.  What I'm doing now isn't going to get me there.  Then again, it's still only been a few months.  I know I'm not ready to fully love or trust again right now.  I just really, really want to be.

Why I woke up exhausted this morning...

We were running with a huge crowd of people through a town, through its buildings and back ways.  I was fine with him for awhile, then got angry and started yelling at him, telling him to go catch up with our friend.  After awhile I didn't see them and was worried that something had gone wrong.  I ran ahead searching for him, and found them in a side room.  Not sure what exactly had happened to him, but he was exhausted and hurting.  Somehow we were next to each other and our friend was in the corner reading.  He started to be affectionate, and I was rather pleased by it, but told him to stop because our friend was right there.  He did and then said that this was our time to talk things out, discuss what we could have done differently and find a peace between us.  We started talking, asking general "weather"-type questions at first.  Then I asked if he was still seeing his girlfriend.  He froze, and a look of "I've got some news" spread across his face.  I asked if she was pregnant.

End scene.