Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

My Mom Died

It's taken me a month to write that down.  Well, tomorrow will be a month, and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe she's gone.  It happened so fast and was completely unexpected.  We really thought she had more time.  I think her body was just tired and couldn't keep going.

These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all.  He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week.  The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body.  He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily.  I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon.  He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in.  He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week.  I guess we'll see.

I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon.  I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her.  But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it.  It just seems so unreal.  Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon.  I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times.  When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.

I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately.  I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending.  I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve.  On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit.  All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.

I did get a tattoo for her the other day though.  It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow.  She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her.  I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays.  We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch.  We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.

I miss her so very much.

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Waiting Game

Here I am, twelve days late, still no sign of AF, still getting negative pregnancy tests.  WTF?!  Never in my life have I missed a period or had a cycle longer than 35 days (and that's when I was much younger).  I'm currently on day 42.  I just don't get it.

I told the boyfriend about it at the end of last week.  He was totally shocked and didn't know what to say.  Other than a few general how and when type things, we really didn't discuss it much further that evening.  The next night after he'd had time alone to process, we talked for a little while, and he said he actually wanted me to be pregnant!

Which made me totally fucking melt.

We talked about how I'd been feeling and how I'd been testing, along with other little things I can't seem to recall now.  But we didn't talk about the future or what we would do if we are pregnant.  And that's okay.  We need to find out first.

Which is what has been driving me crazy.  I keep reading stories online about women who didn't get their BFPs until waaay past when AF was due, and that's what I keep clinging to.  Apparently for some people pregnancy tests don't always work right away or at all.  Sometimes it takes much longer than you'd expect for the hCG to be detected by OTC tests.  I've tried three different brands of tests so far.  I started with a grocery store generic, then First Response, and finally ordered a 25-pack of Wondfos because the others are way too expensive.  I'm wanting to test every morning now, so I'm glad I got them.

Day after tomorrow I'll be two weeks late, in theory making me six weeks pregnant.  If I am.  I've been having weird cramping since last week.  It doesn't feel like normal AF cramps, which I've taken as a good thing and have been hoping has just been the uterus starting to stretch or whatever it does.  Then what I call ovary pain, localized on each side, started up and has gotten more intense with each passing day.  It's been mostly on the left side, which made me nervous about an ectopic, but today it's gotten sharper on the right side.  Then I started reading about pregnancy with endometriosis and how that pain could be from the scar tissue stretching or something.  I just don't know.  Oh, Dr. Google.

I've also had bouts of being not quite nauseous, but just a little queasy.  Almost every day, and I'm never like that usually.  I've also had a headache at some point every single day which is annoying.

Of course I'm thinking of other things it could be also.  The scariest is that the endo is back with a vengeance.  It really does frighten me to think of that.  The boyfriend is taking me out of town for a long birthday weekend, and I'm taking vacation from work next week.  If still nothing either way by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can get in with my doctor for a blood test or ultrasound maybe.  I'm fully expecting them to dismiss it all and tell me that it's probably nothing.  But I know it's not.  I know my body and if I'm not pregnant, then this pain and being so late means something else.  It's not normal for me.

Either way, the boyfriend has been so wonderful and supportive.  I was voicing concerns about the endo last night and started crying.  He was so sweet and said we're going to get it figured out.  The way he said that "we" made me so happy.  The concern in his voice made me feel so safe and protected and like he would stay by my side no matter the outcome of all of this.  That feeling is incredible.

Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Mr. Almost Perfect

So I met another fella and I really like him.  Like, a lot.  I saw him on Tinder twice.  The first time I thought he was very cute and liked his profile, but I swiped left for two reasons.  One is he's local.  Since the ex and I split, it kills me whenever I see him around town, and I want to avoid that in the future.  Secondly, we have mutual friends.  Not a big deal, but kinda for the same reason as the first.  I really thought hard about him for a long time, but wound up swiping left.

Then he popped back up a day or so later.  Which means he swiped right for me.  Hmm...  The majority of our mutual friends are just acquaintances to me except for one, who happens to be my best bud.  So I asked her about him, and all she said was, "He's a sweetheart."  Okay.  I looked at his pictures again for a long time, and his eyes totally won me over.  So I swiped right, and it was an immediate match.

We texted for a few days then had a phone call, during which I fell in love with his voice.  It was so cute and calming.  We met this past weekend for one of the best first dates of my life.  Immediate attraction and chemistry.  I was super nervous, and he brought me out of my shell.  We made out a lot, which I never do on first dates.  The way he looked at me held an intensity I hadn't seen or felt in a very long time.  Those eyes...

I left that night feeling I'd finally found someone I could really fall for.  My heart felt open to whatever might come with him without any fear.  And he seemed to be genuinely interested in me.

The following day he was busy, but we texted the whole time and agreed to meet for lunch the next day.  I was so excited, but it was kind of anticlimactic.  He was really tired and not feeling his best.  During the chit chat we talked about his career goals, then he asked if I had a dream job.  I replied that I didn't and really had always just wanted a family.

At this point let me mention that we'd talked about whether we want kids before we even met... he knew I definitely do, and I knew that he's not sure.  That being said...

After lunch he took me to this quiet and hidden spot on the river.  We talked and made out more, but he seemed different, like he was holding something back.  The intensity in his eyes wasn't there.  He mentioned what I said about wanting a family.  I confirmed with him that he wasn't sure yet about kids and gently said that it was a concern for me.  And we left it at that.  It started raining, and we made out in his car for awhile.  (So much kissing, and I love it!)

Since then he's felt distant.  I know he's been busy at work, but there are differences.  Even before we met he would send me multiple selfies a day and ask for pics from me.  Just something he likes to do.  But I haven't gotten the request or received a single one from him since our last meeting.  He'd also been sending sweet texts with kiss emoticons before, and now again, not one since that lunch date.  The conversation is shorter and has a totally different feel to it now.

It's killing me.  I know we've only hung out twice, but it felt so real.  It was such an instant connection that I thought for sure would lead somewhere, but now I'm not so certain anymore.  He's got a lot of stress at work this week, and I don't want to press him right now.  I'm hoping we'll get to meet up sometime this weekend and I can see how he is.

I hate dating.  I love when it's good and the feelings that go with that, but I hate this part.  The not knowing.  If he's not into it anymore, I wish he would just say it so I can move on before I get my heart broken too badly.  Because otherwise he's pretty much exactly who I've been looking for, and I can see myself falling hard and fast for him.

I kind of already have.

Difficult Day

It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard.  All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her.  We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice.  We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.

Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday.  Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it.  I still felt fine and not sorry for myself.  I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't.  I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry.  I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected.  Apparently not.

And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off.  I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there.  I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation.  But still.  They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children.  I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice.  It's just one little click of a mouse.

Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again.  I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too.  She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal.  She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow.  I'm so happy she and I are still friends.

Moving on, I met a fella.  On Tinder of all places.  He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor.  So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman.  He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues.  He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.

Our first date was at a halfway point.  We had lunch then talked for several hours.  He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together.  Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset.  I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend.  Maybe this coming week.

As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared.  At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it.  And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name.  It could be anyone.  Friend, family member.  But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date.  But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me.  I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.

The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this.  Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this.  I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it.  But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends.  I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt.  But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.

Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Grouchy

- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.

- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!

- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.

- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!

- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!

- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.

- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.

- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.

- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.

- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???

Yes, AF is in town.

Que Sera, Sera

"What screws us up most in life 

is the picture in our heads
of how it's supposed to be."

I've seen this quote around the internet a lot lately, and it's got me thinking.  Since I was in high school I've pictured myself falling in love with a man and having children with him.  Of course we'd have trials along the way, but overall we'd have our own happily ever after.  Or whatever the real life equivalent of that is.  And I've never questioned it.  In my mind that's just how it's supposed to be.

But what if it's not?

Maybe I'm not actually going to have a lifelong partner.  Maybe I'll be with different people and enjoy the time with each of them while it's good.  Maybe they'll each be serious for a while, or maybe they'll all be casual.  Or it could be a mix.

Maybe I won't ever have children.  Maybe I won't actually create a little life and feel it grow inside of me.  Maybe my body's not capable of it.  Maybe adoption won't ever be an option.  Maybe I'll never be financially able to support someone other than myself.

It's sad and a little scary to think that the major things you've always wanted just might not happen.  But it's also kind of liberating at the same time.  It could be the "live for today" mentality starting up.  Or that old saying "stop trying and it'll happen" that everyone loves to tell you.  Or maybe it's just me getting tired of being disappointed... "You can't be disappointed if you have no expectations." 

I don't know if I believe in fate.  Are things really meant to be?  Does everything happen for a reason?  Looking back I can see how things that have happened have led to other important things, many times good.  And that brings comfort when you're going through a hard time.  But is that how it was supposed to go down, or was it just coincidence?

Maybe there's another purpose for my life.

Maybe I just suck at relationships.

Maybe I'll find out one day.

Accident

I've been very lucky through the years with driving.  There have been some close calls, but I've never had so much as a traffic ticket, let alone been in an accident.  Until this past week.  I was driving to work and got rear ended at a light.  I got hit hard and pushed into the car ahead of me.  It scared me pretty badly, and I think I was in some form of shock for a little while.  I was kind of spacey and shaky.  And now...

My.  Back.  Effing.  Hurts.

It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident.  Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time.  They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation.  Awesome.

Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs.  Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again.  I'm nervous.  My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week.  Joy.  My poor car will need some doctoring too.  Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that.  We've been through a lot together.

I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!"  They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer.  I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now.  They were awesome and are going to handle everything.  Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.

Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

Worries

I go back to work tomorrow.  I'm happy and nervous at the same time.  Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful.  Nervous about how it's all gonna go down.  I think it'll be okay.  I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about.  I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.

I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up.  The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot.  Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward.  I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes.  The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off.  It's difficult.

He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it.  On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves.  On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.

I'm terrified about getting a new roommate.  I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her.  But I might, possibly.  I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself.  Grrr...

Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower.  How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace?  I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself.  Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good.  It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated.  Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.  

Random things like that pop in my head all the time.  The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child.  How long will it be before I date again?  If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married?  Will I still be able to have children when that happens?  If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that.  I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.

Stacking Up

Yesterday was a tough day.  It started out with me going over to my parents' house.  My step-dad is still in very bad condition, and as awful as it sounds, the truth is we're just kind of waiting for him to pass on.  I hate saying that, but it's been the reality for the past month.  Every day he loses weight and strength.  He's on so much pain medication that he's out of touch with reality most of the time.  It is heartbreaking to see him like this.  And for so long.  We really didn't think he'd hold on this long.  I've seen him like that so much recently, but for some reason yesterday it really bothered me.  Maybe because he seemed a little worse.  I don't know.

While I was there I learned that the girl I wrote about a few months ago passed away.  I hadn't heard much lately, but I knew she was bad off.  She'd been in a medically induced coma for a long while, and when they woke her up, she only had basic functions.  I don't think she was really there.  I don't know the circumstances, but she died yesterday I believe.  Her baby girl who was born at 26 weeks is now about four months old and doing well.  She went home a few weeks ago.

Within twenty minutes of learning that, I heard the news reporting of Leonard Nimoy's passing from end-stage COPD, what my step-dad is battling.  It's all so sad.

Then I went grocery shopping and was off the whole time.  Just sad I guess.  After that I headed home and played with the pets for awhile.  Then I got a phone call.  It was from my boss telling me that she had been fired.  She told me how it went down and then dropped a bomb... they had probably already replaced her.  And it wasn't me.  Which, now that I've had time to process, is really okay.

Knowing that this might happen, I've gone back and forth over the past year with what I would say if offered the job.  I didn't really want to be manager because of the extra stress, but if offered I probably would have said yes.  It would have been a good opportunity for my career and it would have been more money.

I can see why they didn't ask me.  I've had three surgeries in the past nine months which have had me out of work for the equivalent of three months.  Physically I can't do as much as I used to.  They know I want to get pregnant.  And to be honest, they know my passive personality.  Maybe they didn't think I could handle it.

On the other hand, I'm pissed.  I'm probably the most loyal and reliable person there.  I'm on time, if not early, every single day which pretty much no one else is, including the previous manager and the new one.  I don't call out.  I don't gossip or start shit.  I'm friendly to every person that walks in the door, and the customers love me.

But what I'm really pissed about is how they handled it, or didn't handle it.  I got a call from my old boss, and that was it.  She told me who she thought they had replaced her with, but I officially learned it when the new one posted it on Facebook.  Are you freakin kidding me?!  As long as I've worked there as assistant manager and as dedicated as I've been to that place, I really thought I would at least get a phone call from one of the higher ups.  They had to have known that I would feel at least a little slighted, right?  I believe at least a phone call with a little heads up was warranted.  Maybe Monday.

In the moment when it happened I was angry, and I guess I still am a little.  I immediately felt disrespected and undervalued.  About a year ago the "grapevine" said that they wanted me to be manager, and I suppose I'd been holding on to that.  I guess I've learned my lesson there.

I'm not going to enjoy working under a girl younger than myself who I actually trained years ago.  Knowing her personality, I'm not sure how it's going to go, but it should be interesting.  I don't start back for a week and a half, and I really wish I could be there when she starts Monday to see how she slips into it.  I'm afraid she's going to get all cozy with my temporary replacement and I'm going to be on the outside when I go back.  I'm wondering how she'll act towards me because I know that business and the day-to-day operations inside and out.  My old boss and I had good working chemistry, and I wonder if we'll develop that.  Whatever happens, I'll just have to deal with it.

In the long run it really is okay.  Deep down I didn't want that job.  I can still go in, do a good day's work and go home leaving the day behind me.  I won't have to worry about the business, the hiring/firing, the drama with the employees or angry clients.

And now that I've bitched and gotten it all out here, I feel so much better!

Left Behind

I hope I one day get to participate in some of the things that only mommies get to share together.  The youngest of my four "sisters" is pregnant, so that makes all of them with little ones now.  I keep seeing them tag each other in Facebook posts about pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddler tactics, etc, and it's hard.  I feel so left out.  I remember when the ex and I were trying and I was so excited that I might be the first one of us to have a baby.  So much for that.

In fact, you know that one stereotypical friend that's always behind everyone else in life?  I feel like that's me.  I was always the single one in the teenage years and the one late to the significant life events.  I was sixteen for my first kiss and 24 before I found love and all that went with it.  To be fair though I was the first one to buy a house.  And to get divorced.  That's something, I suppose.

The other day my old college roommate announced that she's finally pregnant with her first.  Yes, I'm jealous, but she totally deserves it.  She's been trying for years and years and didn't think it would ever happen for her.  I'm so very happy that it did.

On the other hand, last week an ex-coworker announced that she's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend.  She's been doing drugs for as long as I've known her, although she claims she's clean now.  I hope so.  And another ex-coworker gave birth about a month ago to a little girl.  We found out she was taking illegally obtained pills during her entire pregnancy.  I hope that beautiful little one is okay.  I'm not saying they deserve it any less, it's just hard to see.

Who am I to talk?  I'm not even officially trying and haven't been for a very long time.  I feel like I've been waiting forever.  Technically it's been four years since the ex and I split and therefore stopped trying.  Add that to the approximately one year we were trying... that's five years since I started trying to have a baby.  I went from mid/later twenties to early thirties, and fertility wise, that's a long time.  For me that's a really fucking long time.  We could start in a few months, but I'd really like to be married before we do.  The way things are going now, who knows when that will be.

I'm so tired of having to wait for the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life.

Scary Shit

My dad almost died the other day.  Technically he's my stepdad, but he's been in my life as a father figure since I was eight or so.  He's been in bad health for many years with advanced COPD that has severely affected his life.  He's also got heart issues and an inoperable hernia in his chest, I believe.

I got a call from my mother Sunday afternoon that he'd just gotten home from the ER and had been diagnosed with pneumonia.  My heart fell immediately, knowing that something like that could do him in.  She assured me he was okay for the time being.  I checked in on them Monday, and he was starting to feel a little better from the antibiotics.

My phone rang Tuesday morning at 2:24 AM.  It was my mother saying he'd taken a turn for the worse and I should come over.  This could be the end.  When I got there he was in bed and could barely breathe.  I held his hand and told him I loved him.  My mom and I spent several hours like that with him while he attempted to rest.  Sometimes he could say a few words. We basically said our goodbyes.  I didn't want him to go, but if it was his time, I hoped it would happen quickly.  It was heartbreaking to see him in so much pain. 

I can't write any more detail without getting way too worked up.  Long story short, he didn't want to go to the hospital.  He wanted to die at home.  But the pain became too much and he agreed we should call an ambulance.  After several hours in the emergency room he finally got pain medication and was breathing a little easier.  We got hospice care set up and he now has people coming by several times a week.  Hopefully he gets over the pneumonia, but if he doesn't, at least he'll be at home and will be able to go without any pain.  We're just taking it day by day right now.

Meals and MRIs

Hello all!  It's been quite a while!  A lot has been going on as it always seems to during the holiday season.  We were prepping for some of the boyfriend's friends to join us for a few days over Thanksgiving and were a little frantic for a bit.  We had to finish the guest bathroom which had been taken apart for painting a couple of months ago.  I'm happy to say it turned out very nicely.  We also needed to declutter the rest of the house to make room for two adults, two little kiddos and their large dog.  The house looked amazing!  Then they didn't come.  They would have been driving through that snow storm that hit the east coast the Wednesday before and didn't want to risk their family's safety.  We were bummed, but it was the right decision.

So instead all of the boyfriend's local family came over for dinner!  I was freaking out about cooking everything, but it turned out amazing.  We prepped as much as we could the night before and the morning of, and the actual afternoon cooking went very smoothly.  We did a deep fried turkey for the first time, and it really was one of the best I've ever had.  The whole event was relaxed and all eight of us fit in our little house pretty well.  They brought over three bottles of wine and about two whole glasses were partaken of one, so I've had some nice evenings since then, haha.

I am so thankful that I love his family and they seem to love me!  They are all so wonderful and we get along well.  The conversation always flows easily, and I feel very comfortable around them all.  I loved my former in-laws very much, but I never felt like I could relax around them.  Maybe it's because they were my first experience with "meeting the parents" and I really didn't know how to act.  Me being all awkward in general anyways didn't help, I'm sure.  It is a great relief to know that my future in-laws are freakin fantastic.

But through all this holiday wonderfulness, there have been some troubles.  Mainly, my back.  Oh, my aching back.  Well, leg actually.  The sciatic pain returned for good about a month and a half ago and PT isn't helping anymore.  I met with my surgeon who ordered an MRI with contrast, which I had this past week.  It was pure torture.  I can't lie on my back for more than a minute without being in some pretty horrific pain, and the MRI required I be in that position for about half an hour.  I was in tears it was so awful.  But they said the images turned out great, so there's that.

I meet with the surgeon again week after next to discuss the results.  He said it could either be scar tissue from the back surgery or something could be going on with a disc again.  I'm so frustrated and tired of being in pain every fucking day.  Luckily I have lots of good pain pills left over from the surgeries this year and they're actually working now with no side effects.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really nervous to hear what's wrong.