I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.

Suck Ass Birthday

Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday.  One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving."  Yeah...

Apparently it went well.  The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out.  I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe.  My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot.  I had a few visitors who brought flowers.  The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.

For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented.  During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me.  I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again.  He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do.  He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse."  Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen.  That is a big fucking deal to me!  During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that.  So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes.  That would be my luck.

Then the anesthesiologist bothered me.  He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it.  I told him last time they said I woke up agitated.  He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up.  We can give you more and knock you back out again."  I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.

When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand.  They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie.  But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed.  I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am.  And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore.  Third time was a charm, I guess?

So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery.  He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain).  He didn't even get me a birthday present.  But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love.  And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that.  I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.

We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day.  I pretty much can't anyway.  I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.

I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home.  My back hurts so terribly.  The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick.  I'm just miserable.  And home alone for 12 hours a day.  It's awesome.

And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning.  One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day.  The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know."  I guess that didn't apply to me.  RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!

Man I'm bitching a lot.  I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time.  My step-dad is still alive for now.  I have so many people who love me.

I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.

Gathering moss over here...

Hello all.  Happy New Year.  A little late, but that's how I roll here lately.  Once again I feel like life has been stalled.  So many things I want to do, but I have to wait.  I want to get married, but I have to wait.  I want to try to get pregnant, but I have to wait.  I want to go to the gym and physically feel better, but I have to wait.

Second back surgery is scheduled for next month... the day before my birthday to be exact.  Hopefully I'll be getting out of the hospital the day I ring in my 32nd year.  So I'm waiting another month for that.  Then after I'll wait many months more... to heal, to be able to effectively exercise, to start that two pink lines trek again.

And I'm still waiting for an official proposal.  Part of me is thinking that if he really wanted to propose he would have by now.  I mean, seriously.  We started talking about this over a year ago.  I had my ring setting (we've already got the main stone) picked out seven months ago, and it's not expensive.  Then the logical part of me kicks in pointing out yet again how tight money really has been.  But how long has a girl got to wait?!

I've been in yet another funk for a while lately, and I'm tired of waiting for it to end.  I think all of the above plus a little more and just worrying about it has dragged me down here.  I considered taking anti-depressants again, but I keep telling myself I can get out of this without pharmaceutical help.

I've thought maybe getting creative somehow and physically making something could help and I've been antsy trying to decide on something.  Whenever (if ever) we do get married, a lot of the wedding and reception will have to be DIY, and I'd really like to start on it.  But I have to wait for the proposal and setting a date to decide on themes and colors and what exactly I want to make.  I asked him a little while ago if he'd thought of when he would like to have the wedding.  In true male fashion he said, "I'm thinking May."  So, four months?  Sure, that's totally doable.  *sigh*  I'll be lucky to even have the first ring on my finger by then.

I'm just bitching and moaning again.  I feel like that's all I do.  But again, this is where I come to do it, and the loving internet gets to enjoy it.  Joking aside, it is nice to have this place to vent knowing no one I know is actually reading.

Seven Percent

Here we go again.  Looks like I will be ringing in the new year with my third operation in eight months scheduled.  That's just crazy.  I met with my surgeon today who went over the MRI with me.  It's bad.  Even worse than last time he said.  The same disc has re-ruptured and is bulging even more than it did before the first surgery.  He said I'm one of the unlucky 7% that it happens to.  I always was an overachiever.

At first he mentioned physical therapy with spinal traction, but didn't think it would be effective based on the size of the bulge.  Surgically, he said I had two options.  One is to do the same procedure as last time... clean everything out and let it heal.  The second is to fuse the two vertebrae together so the disc wouldn't be an issue again.  The first would leave me with an increased risk of re-rupturing it once again, but it could also be just fine.  The other would cause more problems in the future like more back pain and the possibility of faster degeneration of the next disc up.  At my age, he recommended doing the first.  I agreed.

This just fucking sucks.  More work will be missed.  More money will be lost.  And I was really hoping that we'd get to start trying to conceive in the next couple of months.  So much for that.

I'm so frustrated right now.

Meals and MRIs

Hello all!  It's been quite a while!  A lot has been going on as it always seems to during the holiday season.  We were prepping for some of the boyfriend's friends to join us for a few days over Thanksgiving and were a little frantic for a bit.  We had to finish the guest bathroom which had been taken apart for painting a couple of months ago.  I'm happy to say it turned out very nicely.  We also needed to declutter the rest of the house to make room for two adults, two little kiddos and their large dog.  The house looked amazing!  Then they didn't come.  They would have been driving through that snow storm that hit the east coast the Wednesday before and didn't want to risk their family's safety.  We were bummed, but it was the right decision.

So instead all of the boyfriend's local family came over for dinner!  I was freaking out about cooking everything, but it turned out amazing.  We prepped as much as we could the night before and the morning of, and the actual afternoon cooking went very smoothly.  We did a deep fried turkey for the first time, and it really was one of the best I've ever had.  The whole event was relaxed and all eight of us fit in our little house pretty well.  They brought over three bottles of wine and about two whole glasses were partaken of one, so I've had some nice evenings since then, haha.

I am so thankful that I love his family and they seem to love me!  They are all so wonderful and we get along well.  The conversation always flows easily, and I feel very comfortable around them all.  I loved my former in-laws very much, but I never felt like I could relax around them.  Maybe it's because they were my first experience with "meeting the parents" and I really didn't know how to act.  Me being all awkward in general anyways didn't help, I'm sure.  It is a great relief to know that my future in-laws are freakin fantastic.

But through all this holiday wonderfulness, there have been some troubles.  Mainly, my back.  Oh, my aching back.  Well, leg actually.  The sciatic pain returned for good about a month and a half ago and PT isn't helping anymore.  I met with my surgeon who ordered an MRI with contrast, which I had this past week.  It was pure torture.  I can't lie on my back for more than a minute without being in some pretty horrific pain, and the MRI required I be in that position for about half an hour.  I was in tears it was so awful.  But they said the images turned out great, so there's that.

I meet with the surgeon again week after next to discuss the results.  He said it could either be scar tissue from the back surgery or something could be going on with a disc again.  I'm so frustrated and tired of being in pain every fucking day.  Luckily I have lots of good pain pills left over from the surgeries this year and they're actually working now with no side effects.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really nervous to hear what's wrong.

Local Doc

This week I finally had my follow-up appointment with my local gyno, which went well.  I was there for about an hour and a half, and most of it was just waiting.  I was in the main waiting room which was filled with pregnant women for about half an hour.  I totally agree with everyone who says there should be separate waiting rooms for preggo and for non-knocked up patients.

When I was finally called back I handed over the records from the surgeon, and the nurse started typing them all into her computer.  When she first looked over them she said, "You had all of this done at one time?  It's amazing you're moving around so well."  And this is five weeks after surgery.  I sat next to her for about twenty more minutes as she typed everything in.  As she escorted me to the next waiting room she said, "Sorry that took so long... there were so many -ectomies to type in!"  Yes, yes there were.

A few minutes later I was taken to the exam room where I would wait for the doctor.  For at least another twenty minutes.  It.  Took.  Forever.  When she finally came in she herself looked over all the records and notes and said, "You had endo all over the place... we never see that."  All I could think was, "And that's why I went to Atlanta."

She was actually pretty interested in everything.  She asked questions about the surgery and was impressed with how they did it.  She was pretty excited to do my exam and really wanted to see the internal pachingo stitches.  The exam wasn't very pleasant for me, but she said everything looked great and gave me the okay to resume normal activities after this cycle ends.  (Which, by the way, did coincide with another flare up in my back, which totally leads me to believe that they're related.  Craziness.)

She went over my list of medications and asked if I was still on birth control, to which I said no.  She asked, "So if you were to get pregnant now, that would be okay?"  I happily replied with a yes.  It felt wonderful to say that now, no longer being in the dark and knowing that my chances are much better than they were before surgery.  We want to wait a little while, but if it happens, I'll be completely okay with it.

No more walking dead...

I feel much better now.  It was definitely the pain medication that was making me feel like crap, so I just stopped taking it this weekend.  No withdrawals like after the last surgery, so yay!  I feel so much better and not as much like a zombie anymore.  My appetite is back and I have a little more energy.  Emotionally I feel a lot better now also.  I still tear up occasionally, but not at all like I had been.

I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet.  Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions.  I love her.  I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.

I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again.  I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching.  She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting.  I'm interested to see that as well.  She is pretty amazing too.  She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all.  And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.

I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello.  I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to.  It's also nice that there are three paydays this month.  :)  Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today.  My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly.  I just don't see full days happening just yet.  And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.

I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today.  I really was pretty out of it for that.  It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.

Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all.  She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets.  She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already.  She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.

She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information.  She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years.  This is the cousin that was never able to conceive.  I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief.  I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.

I guess that's enough for now.  Everyone have a good rest of your day.

Post-Op Review

I'm home.  The rides down and back were long.  Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle.  Surgery itself went well.  Recovery has been a bitch.  And now I'm home.  Resting.  And doing laundry.

It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us.  Are you kidding me?  We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital.  We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away.  Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.

The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon.  Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate.  When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us.  Apparently no one informed us of some other things either.  I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.

When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months.  Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is.  He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs.  So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there".   He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know.  Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam.  Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day.  In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok.  I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.

That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep.  Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating.  I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up.  I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.

The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am.  Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area.  After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me.  We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day.  After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.  What an incredible man.

Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three.  I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room.  My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found.  Here's the rundown:

- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch!  He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine.  Tubes looked fine.

Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above.  He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II.  He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!!  That's so exciting!  He also said that the endo shouldn't come back.  The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.

But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery!  It's been rough.  The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap.  And I can't stop freakin crying!  I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.

I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with.  He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions.  The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up.  Geez.  Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting.  I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there.  This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting.  I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.

After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road.  We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home.  For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though.  Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night.  I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet.  But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything.  She's been absolutely incredible through all of this.  So supportive and there for whatever I needed.

So now I'm home.  It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why.  The overcast sky outside matches my mood.  I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility.  My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better.  So why am I so freakin sad??  Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me.  They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.

But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful.  For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him.  For finally being able to go through with this surgery.  For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years.  I am truly lucky.

One Week

This time next week I will be in Atlanta about to meet the amazing Dr. Sinervo for the first time for my pre-op appointment.  I'm so nervous and excited.  I've got my list of questions for him prepared and am eager to hear what he'll have to say.  I keep hearing he's a very kind individual, and I'm thankful that I'm able to see him.  And be operated on by him because he's one of the best.

I got a call from the hospital in Atlanta yesterday for a pre-surgical assessment which took about 20 minutes.  The nurse I talked to was super nice and took my history and told me where to go and when.  Turns out I have to go into the hospital after meeting with Dr. Sinervo at his office for blood work and such.  I had that a week before my last surgery and I don't know why I didn't even think about it for this one.

I've gotten almost all the necessary supplies for the procedures before and after surgery, and pretty much just need to stock up on food to take.  It'll be interesting staying in a hotel with a mini-kitchen for a week.  Gotta do laundry and pack this weekend, since I'm working Monday.  I think I'm prepared.  I hope so at least.

Flare-up #2

Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad.  With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences.  This time I don't know what brought it on.  The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house.  I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life.  That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk.  It was a different kind of pain; it was very central.  Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt.  But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.

I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so.  She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured.  Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up.  I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it.  My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought.  I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.

Nope.  He didn't seem concerned with any of it.  He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month.  I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two.  I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back.  He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."

I am so relieved!  Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!

Preparation

Four little weeks!  Just under one month until my excision surgery!!  I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen.  Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it.  I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital.  I know what the pre-op area and process will be like.  I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go.  I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like.  I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards.  It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too.  (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)

With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better.  There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory.  They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about.  It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find.  I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.

The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all.  I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time.  With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site.  Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again.  I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.

I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children.  Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally.  Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.

I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately.  I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front.  I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light.  Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).

I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery.  I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one.  To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person.  And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends.  To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.  

For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way.  Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

It's a Date!

I'm having another surgery!!  Never thought I would be so excited to announce that.  I spoke with the CEC this week about the costs and got a date all set up... September 18th!

Luckily the hospital there is considered in-network by my insurance.  Since the back surgery took care of my out of pocket responsibility for in-network, that part won't cost me a thing.  The CEC itself though is out of network, so I will owe them a hefty chunk of change upfront.

I hate to do it but I'm going to have to put it most of it on a credit card, but it'll be so much cheaper to do the surgery now than to wait to maybe save up and have to postpone until possibly next year.  Plus, this surgery will allow me to discover what's really going on with my insides and hopefully let me know the status of my fertility.   That knowledge and the fact that it may eradicate my pain possibly forever will make it worth it.

I looked into a popular medical credit card, but the reviews weren't that great.  I may set up a help fund me type of fundraiser, but I'm still not sure about that.

The boyfriend won't be able to go with me, so my wonderful mother said she would.  I love her so much!

I'm so nervous and excited!

This week on...

My posts are turning into weekly updates.  I'm just too tired at the end of the day to write anything.  It's been a pretty good week though.

I guess my biggest news is that I got the call from Atlanta on Tuesday!  They had just gotten my records the Saturday before, and I was not expecting the call for at least a week.  The doctor was so nice and said I was the perfect candidate for laparoscopic excision.  I should be getting another call soon about the financial aspect of it all and to set up a date for surgery.  They're currently booked out about 8-10 weeks, so maybe late August/early September.  Eeeek!  I'm so excited to potentially not hurt from this anymore, or at least not to the same extent.  I've been selling stuff on Craigslist and eBay and doing my side online job to try to raise funds for this thing.  Thinking about setting up GoFundMe type account to see if anyone would be willing to help out a little.  Don't fully know how I feel about that yet.

I've been to two physical therapy appointments this week, both of which were quite awkward.  First of all, I'm the youngest patient there.  I think the average age of everyone else is around 75.  The place is mostly one big room that everyone "works out" in.  There's a good amount of slight pelvic thrusting exercises in my nice routine.  Friday I was moderately humping the table I was on, and for the entire duration Time Warp from Rocky Horror ran through my head.  It was pretty fantastic.  *sigh*

My manager at work is on vacation, and I've been in charge.  Got a call Thursday night at 10pm that the alarm had been tripped and they needed me there.  Just lovely.  Nothing missing or out of place luckily.  I'm hoping this week passes by quickly without any mishaps.  Usually when the manager is away there's a leak, electrical issue or something weird like that.  Fingers crossed!

♪ No more drama in my life ♫

I don't know how people go through their lives with so much drama.  Drama that they appear to be creating for themselves.  Do they thrive on it?  Do they not know how to be without it?  I hear it from pretty much everyone at work almost every single day, and just listening to them exhausts me.  I can't and don't even want to imagine what they feel.  Some of it really isn't their fault... whether it be from bad luck or ending up with in-laws from hell.  But some of it really is of their own doing.  Why do they continue to do it to themselves?  I'm the go to person when they need to vent and I'm to a point where I don't know what to say to them anymore.

No real drama in my life, just jumbled nerves.  I got my packet of paperwork and medical records mailed off to the CEC yesterday.  So sometime in the next few weeks I should be getting a call from one of the doctors there.  Wow.  I really hope I can afford to do the surgery if they think it could help.  If not, I guess we'll jump right into TTC, so in theory I'll be happy either way.  Well, once that ring shows up on my finger we will, haha.

I had my six week post surgery check up the other day and I'm doing well.  Still feeling some pain, but he said I will for awhile.  I start physical therapy next week to teach me how to move correctly and exercise without re-damaging my back.  I kinda am and am not looking forward to it at the same time.

When my back is better, the boyfriend and I want to repaint the old roommate's bedroom and bathroom and fix up the rest of the house.  Wenesday we drove through the neighborhood we'd like to live in seeing where the houses in our price range are.  I'm so excited for that.

Hello!

Again it seems like so much has happened so quickly.  We went ring setting shopping this week and found the perfect one.  Unfortunately it's $2500 in the store which totally defeats the purpose of using my grandmother's stone.  But I found one pretty much just like it online for about $400.  I'm not expecting it to be exactly the same, but hopefully it's decent quality.

Is that not effin gorgeous?!  The boyfriend has said he does want a wedding, so I've been dreaming up all sorts of ideas and camping out on Pinterest.

I took the first step towards getting excision surgery for the endo.  I contacted the Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta and am currently filling out the 24 pages of paperwork, gathering my medical records and writing my narrative for them.  The surgeon will actually call after sending all the info in for a free phone consultation.  How awesome is that?  So I may be potentially having surgery again later this year.  I pretty much just decided it was time to do this a few days ago.  I'm super excited to get the ball rolling, but... eek!

I've been back at work for a week and a half now.  I've been taking it very easy but am still exhausted and sore at the end of the day.  Everyone has been great about looking out for me and handling the animals and all the food.  I could get used to this.

I also made a freakin fantastic chocolate creme pie last weekend.  My first attempt at one from scratch, and it turned out deliciously.   That's definitely worth mentioning too, haha.  

Happy weekend!

This is a long one...

(That's what she said... maybe?)

So many things are going on and running through my mind right now!  All good things!

Health-wise, I'm doing pretty great!  My sciatic pain comes once every so often, but it's very minimal and doesn't last long.  The doctor said that's normal and will get better with time.  The incision still gets a little sore but that's getting better too.  The middle part of my back is causing a little trouble now, but I guess it's having to work a little harder since I'm trying my best not to use the lower part much.

I'm scheduled to go back to work this coming Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  I've been relatively inactive during my recovery and get worn out pretty easily.  I'm not supposed to bend or twist or pick up anything heavier than a chunky chihuahua.  All of those are kinda part of the job, but I'm going to be pretty adamant that I'll be staying at the desk for a while.  At work I've always done what's needed and disregarded the pain.  Not anymore.  I've finally learned that my physical well being is more important than the job.  On a side note, I just realized that today marks three years since I've been back there.  Wow.

These past couple of weeks I've mainly been a housewife, and I've actually really loved it.  If I could make the little online job I've been doing since out of work pay the bills I totally would.  This whole time I've only made about a hundred bucks at it.  Oh well, every little bit helps.

I received the scariest doctor bill I've ever gotten in my life yesterday.  Over $19,000.  Luckily insurance is paying for that.  I can't even imagine the amount of freaking out I'd be doing right now if not for the insurance I got just two months ago.  In total, I think all of this would have ended up around $27,000 when all said and done.  Geez.

Other news on the home front.  Huge freakin fantastic news!  The boyfriend and I are now on the fast track!  He's ready to get married and start a family!!  I told him I'm due to get a refill on my birth control next week, and he said he thought I should stop taking it.  I told him my back needs to get better before we get pregnant, and these next few months will be for my body to get back to ovulating.  We even started discussing baby names, which blew me away!  Eeeek!

I then asked his opinion on getting engaged in the next couple of months, and he was cool with it!  He still can't afford a ring yet, and lately we've been pondering putting the diamond from my old engagement ring in a new setting.  It was actually my grandmother's, and she left it to me when she passed away.  I've been trying to sell it since the divorce because I didn't think I'd want to wear it again, but had no buyers.  I've come to realize that I don't associate it with my ex anymore.  I look at it and think of my grandmother and realize that I truly don't want to part with it, no matter how much the money from it could help.

So, in true girl fashion, here are some of the settings I've been looking at...  Picture a beautiful round champagne colored diamond in them.

Gorgeous!  All of them!  And actually in our price range.  :)

And last, but definitely not least, we've started pre-gaming for house hunting!  The bf has been spending a lot of time online looking at houses.  We contacted a realtor who will be on the lookout for us.  We've started talking about the minor renovations we need to do to the house before we put it on the market.  We're also paying close attention to a house in our little nook that went up for sale about a month ago.  It's the exact same floor plan and square footage as ours, but they're asking $20,000 more than what I bought this one for!  We're very interested to see how long it'll be on the market and what it will actually sell for.

So that's the update on all that.  I'm pretty excited about everything right now.  Except work... really don't wanna go back, haha!

Post Surgery

I am currently two days post-op and very sore.  "Laminectomy Lumbar Disk Foramen Facet" is what was on the paper taped to my hospital bed, so I guess that's what I had done.  I was kinda out of it when the doctor talked to me, but we'll go over specifics when I see him again next week.

I had to be at the hospital at 5:45am on Thursday.  Upon arrival I only sat in the waiting room a few minutes before I had to say my goodbyes and let my nurse get started.  I got nekked and changed into a very unflattering gown.  I got hooked up to an IV and pulse-ox monitor thing.  And they put on the tightest blood pressure cuff I've ever felt... I thought my arm might pop right off.  I got some sexy compression stockings, which they told me I have to wear all week.

The anesthesiologist came by to talk to me and decided I needed to take a pregnancy test just to be sure.  So the nurse unhooked me from some things but left me attached to some others, wrapped a blanket around my backside, held the IV bag up and paraded me in front of everyone in that room over to the bathroom.  For someone with social anxiety, it was just fantastic.

Later I was back in bed, and a slight sedative was administered.  She said I would feel tipsy as I was wheeled into the operating room, and I did.  I remember them putting a mask on me, and then I was out.  I woke up maybe an hour and a half to two hours later in a recovery room totally out of it.   I heard someone talking on the phone about what I had had done and that I came out of sedation agitated.  Oops.  I drifted in and out there, then was taken to my room when I was more alert.

They had me up and walking just a few hours after surgery, and I found that my sharp, shooting sciatic pain was gone!  I'm still having some numbness in my foot, but they say that's normal and will go away.  I was very tired and napped throughout that afternoon.  I had some visitors and got some beautiful flowers...

And someone brought me this thing to use so I didn't get pneumonia...

I slept on and off throughout the night but was woken every so often by a nurse taking vitals or making me go for another walk... or by the lady down the hall who was screaming all night.  My mother came to see me around 10:00 the next morning.  I was discharged around 11:30, and she took me home.  The boyfriend was at work, but I was getting around okay and told her I would be fine by myself.  I slept most of the afternoon, still very groggy from all the meds.  I was up and about a few times and even walked way out to the mailbox for the first time in weeks.

I woke up this morning very dizzy and was a little worried, but it slowly went away after some breakfast.  I've still been taking it very easy, but made my second trip out to the mailbox a bit ago.  I'm supposed to be up "putzing around" throughout the day with frequent resting periods.  Can't drive or pick up anything more than five pounds for at least a week.

When I nap, I've got the whole gang to keep me company...

Hopefully the recovery will be very quick and easy, and I'll be back to my life in no time!

Getting Ready for Thursday

The neurosurgeon told me that the disc between my L5 and S1 is herniated, and that's what pinching the nerve.  So I guess they make a small incision and go in with a camera and cut out the part of the disc that's causing the trouble.  Or something like that.

I went to my pre-op appointment Friday and got this beautiful thing to wear until surgery...

And they told me I had to stop taking the one medication that actually helped with the pain.  I stopped taking my wonderful ibuprofen yesterday, and the past day and a half has been full of non-stop ridiculous pain.  This is going to be a long week.  I've got some straight oxy, but it barely does anything.  Grr...

Anyways, I go back to the doctor Wednesday to get "marked".  I guess they make a little mark with a permanent marker for where to cut the next day.  And if for some reason that mark isn't there on the grand day, surgery is totally cancelled.  Oh my.  So, yeah...  I'll get a call that Wednesday afternoon to tell me when to show up at the hospital the following day.

Apparently, barring any complications, I'll be up and walking around the same afternoon, but I'll be staying there over night and get to go home the next morning.  From there I'll be back to work in a couple of weeks with a weight restriction of what I can pick up for three months.  Fun.

I'm not at all looking forward to it, but weirdly enough I am so excited for it.  I just want to feel better.  This pain which hasn't allowed me to do much of anything for the past few weeks has just gotta get gone.  It's really been wearing me down.