My Heart is Aflutter

The boyfriend said many sweet things yesterday that made me fall in love with him all over again.

I know he can't afford an engagement ring yet and I've been suggesting a very real looking fake ring for the past couple of months.  He hates the idea and has not entertained the thought one bit.  We were talking about all sorts of things yesterday and we got to joking about that.  I said, "Forty bucks and you're done!  What's the problem??"  And he immediately said back, "BECAUSE YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN THAT!"  Aaah!  I melted.  It was so sweet.

Later we were talking about my birth control, and he said, "Why don't you just stop taking it?  I'll put a little one in there for ya," as he rubbed my stomach!  Aaah!!  Killed me!  In all seriousness though, he did say he'd be fine with us starting to TTC now in case we have trouble with it.  I said I wanted to get through this possible back surgery fiasco and then go from there.

Then he totally surprised me with this next one.  When we got back together we compromised and decided that we would stay here for us to have a child, then move out towards Western NC when it was a few years old.  He hates this area, but my family and support system are here, so we agreed that plan worked for us both.  Well... yesterday he said absolutely out of no where that he'd be fine staying here if we could find another house that he'd be more comfortable in.  One with neighbors that aren't as close to us, one with a garage and a huge back yard for the dogs.  One possibly on the water.  Something we could really settle down and grow old in.  AAAH!  Craziness!!  Never ever ever did I think he'd want that.  He said he's really been thinking about it though, and it would just be such a hassle to pack up everything, move across the state, find a new place and new jobs.

I just don't know what to think about all this wonderfulness!

I Shaved My Legs!!

Today is the bf's and my second anniversary!  We've been on and off through them, but today marks two years since we first met and is when we've chosen to celebrate.  We were going to have dinner at the restaurant where we first met, but unfortunately that's not gonna happen... I'm still having a lot of trouble just walking around the house.

I did manage to shave my legs (among other areas) for the first time in awhile!  This was huge for me, haha.  Showers are tough when you can't stand up for long.

So, those are my and our accomplishments for the day!  It's the little things.  :)

Pain Update

The Vicodin didn't work.  Like, at all.  So Wednesday morning I called the doctors office and requested something else.  That night right before they closed they called to say they could offer me a prescription for Percocet if I wanted it.  Yes, I'll try anything!  So the boyfriend raced me over to the office before it closed, and never have I had so much trouble walking.  A turtle probably could have passed me.  Anyways, I've been on it for two days now, and it does help a little more.  I'm still supplementing with ibuprofen, and together they take most of the edge off.  It still hurts to walk, especially if I'm a little late taking the meds, but for the most part it's a lot better.

One of my very best friends was in town yesterday with her son and stopped by for lunch and a nice visit.  We hung out for a few hours before they headed out.  It was so nice to see her.

I've been attempting a few work at home online jobs, and so far I've made a whopping three dollars... wooo!  Maybe once I get qualified for a bit more I'll have some better paying days.  My manager at my actual workplace talked to the big boss about me getting temporary disability, but he didn't say anything.  I was researching that all morning and didn't find much.  I'm thinking it's probably not gonna happen.

That's about all my excitement.  It's been nice to have the opportunity to stay home and rest, but I'm getting a little cabin fever now.  When the meds are doing their job, I could potentially attempt to drive somewhere, but it's really not worth it.  I can't do much walking wherever I'd decide to go.

I feel pretty worthless.

The word neurosurgeon scares the crap out of me...

So much has happened in the past 24 hours that my mind is spinning.  It was really only one doctor appointment, but so much went down.  I couldn't take the pain anymore and went into the local urgent care place when they opened at 8am yesterday.  I got the nicest doctor who just happened to be returning to work after three weeks off to recover from the exact same thing I have.  He was so sympathetic and made me feel like a priority.

I was in tears as he examined me, testing each leg.  I ended up getting X-rays and an MRI which told him that I have a protruding disc that is pinching the sciatic nerve.  And that it's pretty bad.  He said it's past the point where a chiropractor can help and gave me a referral to a local neurosurgeon, and that appointment isn't until next Thursday.  He said no work until I'm all better and he releases me.  He said the surgeon will probably suggest one of two things... epidural steroid injections or surgery.  Both sound just lovely.

He prescribed me Vicodin, which I've never taken before and does not seem to be helping one bit.  I actually feel worse now, and it makes me sleepy all the time.  To be fair though, there was a lot going on yesterday to aggravate the pain, so I'll give it a couple of days before requesting something else, if that's even possible.  I literally could not stand or walk this morning.  I got out of bed and thought I was going to pass out from the pain.

I'm freaking out.  I may have to have back surgery, which I was never expecting to have, especially at 31!  The pain medication is not working and I can barely get out of bed.  I'm out of work for who knows how long.  It's all a bit overwhelming right now.

No Relief

I used to take for granted how easy it was to put on socks.  Now it's one of the hardest parts of my morning.  I never gave a second thought to picking up the dogs' food bowls to feed them dinner.  Now I have up scoot them across the floor to the food container with my foot.  I make multiple trips to the sink with a cup to fill up their water bowl.

I am fucking miserable.  All the time.  Never have I been in this much pain for so long.  It hurts to sit, stand, bend over, lie down, do nothing.  The sharp, shooting, searing pain is torture every time I try to move.  My leg aches all the time and some of the muscles have begun to twitch.  I have a limp all the time when I attempt to walk.  My toes on the bum leg are tingly and half numb some of the time now, and I keep rolling my ankle as I hobble along.  It's gonna be twisted or sprained before long.

I've been to the chiropractor three times this week.  She said it should take three to six adjustments total before I'm better. The three so far have just been adjustments to try to get all the swelling down before she can do the actual adjustment to make me better.  She keeps saying that after that one I'll want to kill her, but the next day I'll feel so much better.  We'll see.

After each adjustment I think I feel just the tiniest bit better, but I'm starting to wonder if that's wishful thinking.  I just hurt so badly, and there really doesn't seem to be any overall improvement.  Although she did say my back adjusted a little easier yesterday, so I guess that's progress.  She also said she'll be the first to tell me if what she's doing just isn't working and if she thinks I need to get help elsewhere.

*sigh*  I'm so tired of hurting and being on the verge of tears all the time.  I don't know how people with chronic pain every single day of their lives deal with it.  My spirit is slowly breaking down.  I usually try to stay positive, but it's becoming very difficult.  I'm still taking the anti-depressant, and that's probably what's kept me from breaking down so far.

Sciatic Nerve Pain

Every.  Single.  Day.

It's been almost a month straight now that I've had it pretty much 24/7.  It used to come and go, but now it's all the freakin time.  It's worse in the morning, and getting ready for work is excruciating!  Once I get to work I'm limping for a few hours before the pain killers start to kick in, not that they do much to help anyway.  I've actually been waking up way before rise and shine time to take pain killers hoping they'll start to work before I have to get up.

A lot of times the ovary on that side is throbbing too, but not quite as much lately.  I really don't know if it's endo related or not.  I've been trying some stretches that are supposed to help with that kind of pain and going back to the gym to try to strengthen my back muscles, but I can't tell a difference yet.

I may give it a bit longer then go back to my chiropractor.  She's the only one I've really been to, and it's been almost five years since I last saw her.  She said I was her most difficult patient.  She would demonstrate on my back how far she would press for normal patients, which was maybe half way for what it took her to adjust me.  She said I was too flexible.

But adjustments freakin hurt me!  As she was doing them, I would get sharp pains and would be sore for days.  She'd never had anyone like that.  That's why I'm nervous to go back.  But maybe I'm really out of alignment and that's what's causing the pain.  I'm thinking if I keep doing my stretches and exercising, do go back to see her and there's still no improvement... then maybe it really could be endo related.

But we're not there yet.  One step at a time.  I just know it seems to be getting worse every day, and I've got to do something about it.  Grrr...

Last night I dreamed...

So many things that jumped around to many different settings and subjects.

The boyfriend and I were in a jewelry store looking for an engagement ring, but for some reason he wouldn't directly ask the woman behind the counter for what he wanted.  I was getting flustered and spit out, "Do you have a...."  She informed me that I would have to put a nonrefundable deposit in this little envelope thing and take it to the store next door just to look at, not even buy, loose diamonds.  I was really mad then and started yelling that I'd never been to a jewelry store that did that and demanded to know why they didn't have rings for me to try on.  She stayed calm and explained the store policy to me and asked if I'd like to make the deposit.  I said no and felt bad that she didn't get a "sale", so I left her a tip.

I was at some fair type thing and ran into my infertile cousin.  I asked her if she or my aunt had ever been formally diagnosed with anything, then had to actually explain to her what endo is.  She then walked me over to a booth with two "adoption specialists."  Two men in suits and ties who kept dodging my questions.  They wouldn't answer with any specifics and really didn't seem to know anything.

I was at some party in this really expensive house.  I kept running into people I knew and stopped to chat with them all for awhile.  Some man walked up to me while I was talking to friends and joined the conversation.  After awhile it was just him and me, and he took me by the arm and led me down a really narrow hallway with half a dozen bedroom doors partially open.  Everyone inside them was having sex.  I tried to get away, but he led me into a bathroom and kind of shoved me down onto a built in bench.  I tried to crawl away, but he came up behind me and grabbed my hips.  (Luckily that one ended there.  Pretty scary.)

I was somehow back in Mississippi in my old house with the ex and roommate and his new girlfriend.  The ex and I were back together, and it didn't feel right.  All this time that's passed and the events that have occurred since we split up had all still happened... we had still gotten divorced, I had still been with the now boyfriend.  But we were somehow back together, even though it didn't feel right.  I got to see my old dog and met the new dog he'd gotten.  They had been overfeeding my cat, and I told them the food was expensive and they would be buying the next bag.

These were in no particular order and just a few of the many that came and went all night it seemed.  I woke up feeling a little confused.

Absent

That's what I've been.  But I've got a great reason, I swear!

The boyfriend moved in!!!

I'm so excited.  It happened rather quickly and all of a sudden actually last week.  Weird circumstances at his old place developed, and he decided it was time!  So we've been moving him and his stuff in, and tomorrow will be a week.  It has been so, so wonderful!

There's been a bit of an adjustment period, for him especially.  He said it's been just a tiny bit weird.  I did buy this house by myself and have been living in it for ten months now.  He feels awkward not knowing where anything is or where all the light switches are.  But he's adapting quickly and has been settling in nicely.

He's very handy and has already switched into Mr. Fix It mode a couple of times.  His next project will be the garbage disposal.  Between us we've got three computers which we've put in the loft upstairs.  It looks like command central up here now.  We've rearranged all our furniture, and this place feels even more like home now.  I had really missed his big comfy couch.

The dogs are a bit off still.  My dog has turned into kind of a loner...

Where he goes for his alone time now, complete with grump face

And his is even more of a lover now...

We were cuddling before the bf piled all his toys on top of him

They play and seem happy to be around each other all the time again, but it's still weird for them too.  Time will help.  The cat has been fine.  He adapts to anything pretty easily.

I am so happy right now.  It really feels like I have my family back together again.  I enjoyed living alone for a few months, but I am definitely happier now that he's here.  No more only seeing him once or twice a week.  No more driving home late Sunday night after The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones.  No more sad goodbye kisses.

I get him every night now.  And I hope to every night for the rest of our lives.  :)