I Have Internet!

I feel like I'm back amongst the living or something.  I'm one of the very few people left who don't access the interwebz (as my roommate calls it) on their phones.  After a long battle with the wiring in the house, the technician was finally able to get us connected and the new modem resides by the front door.  Whatever works.

The move went pretty smoothly.  It was insanely hot, and I did pretty much all of it by myself, but some wonderful, wonderful coworkers came at the end of the day to help with the really big furniture.  I'd be rolling things down the highway if not for them.

My roommate truly is freakin awesome, and I think I'm in love with her in that new best friend kind of way.  I'm almost totally unpacked and it's starting to feel like home.  My bathroom rocks.

My puppy is taking full advantage of our huuuggge fenced in back yard and has even made friends with the dog next door.  My cat has taken a little longer to come around, but he's finally stopped cussing out the dog and the roommate's cats.  It's progress.

I finally slept halfway decently last night for the first time in weeks.  I think I'm feeling more able to relax a little now.  The new shower head has helped with that too.  You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

And on that note... happy fourth... well, tomorrow.

;)

It's Moving Day!

Starting it out with coffee, yogurt and cream cheese slathered bagels.  It's gonna be a good day.

I will...

This week I move into my new house.  This is going to be my fresh start.

I will be a new woman.  I will no longer second guess myself.  I will no longer question if I could or would have done anything differently.  I will stop believing I wasn't good enough.  I will stop lingering in the past. 

I will look ahead.  I will reaffirm to myself every day until I thoroughly believe it that I do have something to offer.  That I do my best to be a good person and that I will be happy again.  That I will love again.  That I will trust again.

Because I will.

I want...

I want physical contact.  I want to feel like someone wants me.  I want to be kissed passionately.  I want someone to touch me out of desire and lust.  I want someone to want me in their bed, to want to be in mine.  I want to wake up in someone's arms and feel safe again.  Feel like I can be who I am without fear of rejection or abandonment.  Feel that he actually wants to be with me too, damn the torpedoes.  Feel like a woman again, not a broken version of one.

I know that's probably not practical right now, but that's what I want.

Pecan, cashew, macadamia...

I've been so up and down lately, it's driving me nuts.  

Sign the lease... yay!  It really sinking in that I'm single and living semi-alone... boo!

Get a real bed and say goodbye to air mattress... yay!  Such a big bed and no one to share it with... boo!

Reconnecting with old friends... yay!  Only to have them move away... boo!

Dog/cat/kitten sitting for a friend... yay!  While they're happily married and on their babymoon... yay for them, but boo!  Sleep in their future nursery with a high-chair as a night stand... boo!

Play with their new one-week old kittens... yay!  Keep calling the new mother cat "Mama" and realizing that she's only been alive for one year and is already a mother, while I've been alive a lot more years and am nowhere close... boo!  (Yes, I realize that comparison is totally ridiculous, but still, it bugs me.)

Up and down like that with multiple sets of new yays and boos every freakin day.  Gotta get some booze for those boos soon... ha!

Zzz...

Endo kicked my ass today.  I was at work and then POW... out for the count.  Stuck it out til about one, then headed home and slept the rest of the freakin day away.  I am exhausted.  I hurt.

Bowing Out

I think Player 4 has now left the game.  That makes three guys who said they wanted to go out again but didn't really mean it.  I'm starting to think I'm the common denominator here.  I think I need a break.

Irony

It's weird how life works.  For a year I was terrified to go back to work, and now work is the only place I want to be.  When I'm at work I have things to focus on, tasks to accomplish, lots of people to talk to.  I get to forget about life and be in a totally different mindset.  I feel confident and self-assured.  I don't have time to think about much else but what needs to be done.

But when I leave, my mind is free to think about other things.  Things I don't want to think about.  Things I thought I'd moved passed and gotten over.  Things I've actually only pushed down, tried to ignore and want to go away.  I used to love my alone time, but now I want to be constantly surrounded by people.  I need them to distract me.

I want to fast-forward a few months to a time when I hope I'll feel more at peace.

Forgiveness

Heard this song today and haven't been able to get it out of my head since...

Don Henley - The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me