Too good not to share!

I was just all down and depressed again and about to head off to bed.  Of course I had to check FB one more time, and thank whoever that I did.  I absolutely can not stop laughing now because of this...

It's THAT easy??  Why didn't anyone tell me about this magic baby dust when I could have used it, huh??

I love ending the day with a laugh.  No, it's not even nine o'clock yet.  Don't judge me... I've still got the flu, darn it.

Do you see those spots?

I had to go to see a doctor today.  The kind you see when you're sick, not a lady doctor.  I'd forgotten what that was like.  They didn't ask me the date of my LMP.  They didn't ask me when I took my last BCP.  I purposely didn't ask my mother to go back with me just in case they asked if it's possible I could be pregnant.  I would have loved the company while waiting, but I didn't want her to know I'm having sex.  (How old am I?)  Anyways, like I thought, it's the flu.  I'm not sure I've ever had the flu, so I figured I'd try to ride it out, but after three agonizing days in bed, I couldn't take it anymore.  Now I'm all for staying in bed on a lazy Sunday when you've got nothing better to do, but this has been pushing it.  I don't think I've ever felt this weak or achy.  Even just lying in bed hurts.

But all that bed rest has made plenty of time for thinking, and this is what has been at the forefront.  Hopefully it wasn't all the fever talking...

It's interesting to see just how much life can change in the span of a year.  I got another FutureMe letter this week written December 31, 2010.  It described how life was at that moment and the plans the ex and I had been making for the coming months.  It described him coming home after the first post-Christmas work shift saying how much he wanted a family with me.  It described our plans for battling the endo.  It said how much I loved my husband and what a great father I thought he would be.

Now, a year later, I'm wondering if I'll find another marriage-worthy fella anytime soon.  If not, I know I would have no qualms having a little one on my own.  After I get myself financially stable that is.  I have a fantastic support system and I know he or she would grow up feeling loved and important.

I find myself wanting to get semi-permanently settled.  I really want to buy a house and make it mine again.  I'm tired of renting.  Early nesting, maybe?

There was more, but vision is blurry now, so I think I shall retire back to boring bed.

Broken Record

I keep having the same dream.  I'm yelling at the ex telling him everything I'm thinking and am still angry about.  Things I wish I could tell him in person but probably never would if given the chance.  This is so frustrating!  I just want to let him go and move on.  I'm tired of still being hung up on him and being dragged down thinking about him.  It's almost been ten months since we separated.  Is it normal to still feel this messed up that long afterward?

I keep picturing him and his girlfriend and how happy they probably are.

I think I need stronger happy pills.

Weird Friday Night

I recently read an article about endo written by Dr. Cook, and a couple of things he said really got me thinking.

"It is not uncommon for... cyclic pain that can exceed the level of pain patients experience after major surgery."
I've never had major surgery, so I don't know about recovery pain.  I do know how debilitating my cramps can be, and it just seems crazy that they could be so similar.  Before I started taking birth control I would be out of commission usually for a day or two, and I'd fight to make it to school and/or work the next few days.  I remember the waves of pain, and how all I could do was try to relax and go with it, as trying to resist them only made it worse.  I remember being at work one day and having to sit down in the middle of the floor because I couldn't stay standing or make it to a chair.

"Grinding fatigue as severe as that experienced with advanced cancer is present in most cases."
I feel like I've been tired pretty much my whole life.  Many people have commented about my almost constant lack of energy, and I always felt weird because of it.  Could it have been because of the endo this whole time?  Tired = emotionally drained = overly sensitive = argh!  And combined with the drowsy side effect of the happy pills, I feel like a freakin zombie lately.

"Feeling like a vibrant desirable woman is long since gone. Acting like the loving compassionate woman, mother and partner that she truly is becomes more and more difficult. The stress on family relationships is common and real."

Especially the end part there.  It has definitely taken a toll on relationships - familial, friendly and romantic.  Going with the latter... I'm always paranoid during sex because I'm constantly spotting.  Oh, and the pain from sex itself is a constant threat to intimacy.  Both make a man lose it faster than he could fall asleep after he's done... if we even make it that far.

And on a different note... I sold my wedding dress today.  To a coworker.  I get to attend her wedding and watch her walk down the isle in my dress.  Was that really the best decision?  She did look beautiful though and she absolutely loved the dress.  Time to move on.

The Thunk Echos

When I ended things with the past flame that I almost hooked up with last week, I used the whole "I'm not ready to be with someone else just yet" excuse.  He responded back with "Better do something quick before I get crazy and get married," which is what he said I had done.

Yeah, he got married today.

I knew something wasn't right before we even got together.  Some FB clues hinted that he had a girlfriend, but nothing said it outright.  When I called him out on it, he denied it completely and even commented that he then understood how rumors get started on FB.

What a fucking jerk!!  I feel so stupid, but so thankful that I didn't actually sleep with him.

Can I pick 'em, or what?

Not Tater! A Tiger!

Got a unique call at work yesterday.  This is how it went down:

Me:  Thank you for calling ____.  May I help you?

Crazy Lady:  Yeah, I got this tater that I need to get looked at.

(What I heard was "tater", but I wasn't quite sure if that was right.)

Me:  You have a what?

Lady:  A tater.

(Figured I'd just go along with it and figure it out as the conversation progressed.)

Lady:  I need to get my tater washed and cleaned up.

Me:  Okay, have you been in with your pet before?

Lady:  No.

Me:  What kind of dog is Tater?

(My best guess.)

Lady:  No!  Not Tater.  It's a tiger!

(Okay.)

Me:  A tiger?

Lady:  Yes!

(Rolling with it being as nice as possible....)

Me:  Well, ma'am, I'm sorry but our facility isn't set up for tigers.

Lady:  It's not?  You can't bathe him?

Me:  No ma'am.

Lady:  (Sounding very disappointed)  Oh....

Me:  But good luck!

She had sounded pretty out of it, so I figured she was on something or trying out a really weird joke.  I had to post something about it on FB because it was just too good not to, and I got this as a comment from a friend:

"It's really funny you posted this because one of my other friends just posted that ____ County animal shelter was going to pickup a tiger while she was there...lol!!!"

After the call I had done a *69, and the number was actually from that county.

No other info yet, but interesting...

*Thunk*

That's the sound of me hitting rock bottom.  It feels like it anyway.  Today I found myself apologizing for being who I am to a man who is basically a drinking/fuck buddy.  I like hanging out with him alone, but not really with friends.  Pretty much because he doesn't want anyone to know that we're "involved".  Plus the social anxiety has been bad lately.  He knows that about me too which really pisses me off that he's mad about it.  So I didn't go to his drunken Jeopardy marathon.  He knew I probably wouldn't anyway.

Anyways, he was mad about it today, and I let it fucking get to me.  I don't know why, because he's a self-proclaimed asshole and I completely know that about him.  I guess it just hurts that another man turned on me mostly out of the blue.  We smoothed it all over, but I don't know if I can keep doing this.  I know I keep saying that, but I'm not ready to let him go yet.

And here's where the thunk gets louder... I feel like a freakin whore.  I went out with a past flame last week and I pretty much knew all he wanted was sex.  I wanted it too, kind of, but I held back.  We were basically naked in bed together and things starting to get heated, but I told him AF was in town so I could have a little more time to think.  Do I really want another casual relationship?  Is it okay to have them if a serious one isn't anywhere on the horizon?  And freakin two at a time?!  Does that constitute "sleeping around"?  Cause I don't wanna be that girl.

Why am I putting myself in situations that make me feel like this?  This isn't like me at all.  Or maybe it is.  Male attention was something I craved almost my entire life but never really got before the ex.  Now I'm able to get it, and I don't want to let it go.  Is that wrong?

Boy and Body Troubles

I was looking at old pictures of my ex the other day and all I could think was, "That's my husband."  But he's not anymore.  Some days I'm glad, some days I'm devastated that he's not.  Some days I'm happy to be able to roam and mingle, some days I miss the comfort of having my someone.  Him as my someone.  Some days I completely understand why we didn't work out, some days I still wonder why we didn't try harder.

Got the boy to open up a little more last night.  He hasn't been in a relationship for three years but says he wants to settle down and have a family, so I couldn't understand why he wasn't pursuing one now.  He said he's just not ready yet and still wants to wait a few years.  Maybe he doesn't think I'm the right one for him, which I totally get because he's not really right for me.  Either way, I feel better about the situation and about what is and isn't going on between us.

That being said, last night didn't go so well in the bedroom.  For the first time with him, sex hurt.  We tried everything, but it just didn't get any better, and we had to stop.  I tried my damnedest, but I just couldn't help it... I couldn't hold back the tears.  Not from the pain, but from the anger and frustration I felt because of it.  I still blame it for being part of what went wrong in my marriage.  I'm terrified that it's going to keep me from ever having a fully satisfying relationship in that regard.  I'm scared it's going to scare someone else away.  The boy was great about it, but I could tell it freaked him out a little.

It all makes me really sad.

Is the world trying to tell me something?

And if it is, what does it mean exactly?

When the ex and I were trying to get pregnant, we both agreed on the name Ellie Marie for a girl.  Ellie because I liked it, and Marie was his mother's middle name.  Pretty name, sounds good, kind of unique although Ellie is getting more popular.  Anyways, that was going to be my little girl.

Before heading to work today I checked Facebook and found this status from my preggo walking buddy:  "Ok, so we finally picked out a name, we can officially start calling this little girl Ellie Marie, it's a little different, but he said that Ellie was the name that jumped out at him and made him smile and Marie is after my grandma Hannah Marie. So she's got a little history with her own uniqueness :)"

Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  Not that I was going to be using that name for a future daughter anymore, but come on!  I stopped breathing for a second from shock and disbelief.  We talk about a lot, but we'd never discussed what we had chosen as our future kids' names.  How weird is that?

Obviously it's just a huge coincidence, but it certainly didn't feel like it at first.  All I could do was wonder what the hell it was supposed to mean?  It felt like it was too much of a coincidence to truly be one, so was someone trying to tell me something?  Logic has since kicked in, but it's still strange.