Three Weeks!

Wow!  Once again, crazy long time.  How ya been?

Lots has been going on since we last spoke.  Broke up with the boyfriend and got back with the boyfriend after an entire night of talking it all out.  I jumped the gun a little there... I'm not the best at verbal communication.  We're doing really well now though.  It's kinda been like when we first got together again, which has been very nice.  I'm working on talking about things, and he's been trying to open up more too.

Took a lovely vacation with the boyfriend last week and saw NYC for the first time.  So many people said it would be overwhelming for me, but it really wasn't.  It seemed like any other city, and I guess I just wasn't that impressed.  Guess I like being a country girl.  Everyone said my feet would be dead by the end of the day too because I was walking through the city in flip-flops... don't they know I'd be barefoot all the time if I could?  But when I can't be, flip-flops can take me anywhere!

The rest of our time was spent in New Jersey, a state I had never wished to visit.  But we were in the northern mountainous part of it which was really lovely.  We stayed with a couple of his friends who are trendy hippies, kinda.  Of course I loved them!  They had a huge party one night, and I met a bunch of great people.  Met his sister and four nieces... they were pretty wonderful too.

I've ventured into the world of selling on eBay!  I've been buying for years, but never took the leap to sell.  It's actually been pretty fun.  I started with the Litter Kwitter and am now selling books and jewelry.  A good way to make a little bit of extra cash.  Which I totally need!  My "transfer your balances and get no interest for 12 months!" credit card is now in its 13th month, and the interest alone is over $100 a month!  Eeeeeek!  I thought for sure I would have made a bigger dent in my debt by now, but it just hasn't worked out that way.  I did pay off my car a couple of months ago though, so yay!  But... doctor bills, moving expenses, bigger utility bills due to more square footage... it all adds up, and I'm still in the negative each month.  Something's gotta give.

Still trying to sell my old engagement ring.  If I could, it would take away almost all the money stress.  It's been on eBay and all over the web for months, but no takers yet.  Had one offer, but it was crazy low, and I just couldn't do it.  Hopefully another one will come soon.

Okay, that's enough catching up for now I suppose.  I promise it won't be three weeks again next time!

Sigh...

Talked to him about it that night and felt a little better.  Had another issue Sunday, and we had another talk.  I don't know how I feel about this.  It just seems so hard.  We're not lovey-dovey like I'm used to.  Like I need.  Is that to be expected when you get older?  We're not growing together.  Our relationship doesn't seem to be progressing.  We're just going through the motions of a couple living together.

We're taking a little vacation up north in a couple of weeks.  Spending time with some of his friends and family, and a day trip to NYC.  I keep thinking I'll be able to tell better about our relationship during and after the trip.  I know I just need to give it all more time, but how long?

All Moved In

Picked the worst weekend to do it.  One hundred degree heat then a hurricane-like storm at the end of it.  Other than the weather, the move went well.  Got it all done in a pretty short amount of time.

Now's the hard part.  I really don't know how I'm feeling about it.  Living with him just isn't going like I thought it would.  Yet, maybe?  Maybe it just needs more time.  He seems different since we moved in, and I really need to talk to him about it.  I wanted to give it a few days because maybe he's feeling weird about it too.  It doesn't seem to be getting better though and seems worse since the pets came home.

I'm bad at the talking though.  Either I say the wrong thing or can't even manage to get out what it is I really want to.  This sucks :(

Puppy?

Wow!  It's been a really long time!  How have you been??  I've been up and down, as usual, but mostly up.  I'm moving in with my wonderful boyfriend in just three days!!  Got almost all my stuff packed up and am just waiting for Friday to come.

Almost got a new dog tonight!  He and I were relaxing on the couch when we heard a little thump.  We turned around to see the cutest dog lying outside the door and giving us the sweetest eyes.  We let him in and gave him a little food and water.  He couldn't have been more than 6-8 months old and was so well-behaved.  We all went back out on the back patio, and he just laid down at my feet and enjoyed the lovin'.  We stayed like that for a long time discussing what we should do.  Then he stirred and took off towards the woods.  He stopped at the edge and turned to look at us like he wanted to come back, but he was most likely just saying goodbye.  I looked out the back door the rest of the night and drove around the neighborhood a few times before going back home.  I really wanted him.  Hopefully he has a family and is back with them right now.

How do you not piss off a teenager?

I pissed a co-worker off yesterday.  She's 17... that should about sum it up.  I called her out on the attitude she swears she doesn't have but that tends to come out every single day.  She's a sweet girl mostly, so I hadn't said anything for over a year and just couldn't hold it in anymore.  Everyone's usually all, "Oh, that's just her.  She's just a teenager."  The stuff she gets away with because of that!  Just because you're a teenager doesn't give you the right to disregard the simplest of common courtesy.  Especially at work.

I waited until no one was around, but I should have waited until I had calmed down some more.  I came off more confrontational than I should have and probably could have been more effective had I not been.  I'm never like that, and it bothered me all night.  I'm not sure if I was upset because I hurt her feelings or if I was upset with myself for getting that way.  I'm trying to let it go now.  What's done is done, and I can't change it.  Maybe we can both learn from it.

On a lighter note, the boyfriend met the parents last weekend.  He was really nervous and quiet, but they liked him a lot.  I met his mother the weekend before that, which also went pretty well.  She seems like a sweet lady.  He and I are still pretty stoked to be moving in together.  I'm over at his place pretty much all the time anyway, and I hate leaving every night.  I really miss spending time with my pets too, so two birds, one stone.  He's excited to be having a dog again and has all sorts of walking plans.

Come on end of the month!  Wow... moving in three weeks.  I really should start packing.

Good and Bad

A quote from Marilyn Monroe (who also had endo) keeps running through my head.  It goes, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  It's so very true.  People will come and go from your life, but those that stick around for the hard times truly do care and want to be there throughout it.  The boyfriend got a glimpse of me at my worst and didn't run or freak out.  He was calm and collected and realized that it's just one part of me.  It's worth it stick around and get back to the good parts.  I think he's a keeper. :)

Oh, and we totally got the house!!

Crazy Girl

The boyfriend witnessed something yesterday that I'd hoped he wouldn't for at least a little while longer... he saw the crazy come out in me for a bit.  I got upset over something stupid, and it ruined the rest of my afternoon.  I was mad for not being able to just let it go, and it was a vicious cycle of frustration and being scared that it would scare him away.  He felt helpless because he didn't know what to say or do to help, and I told him that there wasn't really anything.  He asked what I was upset about, and I told him I didn't know, which by then was the truth.  I wasn't upset about any one specific thing anymore, it was just a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger.

Then he said the perfect thing:  "I don't know what you're upset about, but if you're worried about me, you shouldn't.  I'm not going anywhere, and that's the last thing you should be worried about.  So I'm gonna give you some space to work out whatever you need to, but I'm still here."

I know that was part of it.  I was scared he would think it wasn't worth it putting up with my emotional spells.  But he took it in stride and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  It was just the right thing.  So I cried a little more then was somehow able to pull myself together, and we had a very pleasant rest of the day.

In my defense though, I am PMS-ing rather a lot and I think that played a part in it.  I was pretty emotional at work today too.

Movin' On Up... again.

Things with the boyfriend are now speeding up very quickly.  If all goes as planned, we'll be moving in together next month.  My roommate is planning on moving, and I really don't want to try to find another roommate... not that I could find one as great as her anyways.  So I talked to him about it, and he's just as stoked as I am.  I do still worry that it's fast, but we spend just about every evening together anyways, so why not get a place together and not have to say goodbye almost every night?

Found a wonderful house today, and we're trying to arrange a time to meet with the rental people.  Could finally have a gas stove!  I've been cooking more since we got together, and I'm starting to get inspired to bake again.  Haven't really done any of that in over a year now.  Have yet to break in the new Kitchen Aid mixer... blasphemous!

You never stop loving somebody...

I'm crazy about this guy... the boyfriend, that is.  It's still weird calling him that.  But as much as I like him, I keep having tiny freak outs now and then.  I keep thinking "This isn't right!  He's not the ex.  I won't ever be as happy as I was with him."  But then I think, "No, he's not the ex.  The ex did you wrong, is gone and isn't coming back.  You really like this guy, and he really likes you.  Appreciate how wonderful that is and keep moving forward."

The saying "You never stop loving somebody, you just start loving somebody else" (quite possibly from a Big & Rich song?)... is it true?  Will I always carry around a little flame for my ex?  Does it ever really go away completely?

Now, different topic... What does dreaming you're trapped in a battleship during a tornado mean?  What about trying to start a fire, but it won't light, then it roars into a huge bonfire?  What about trying to take pictures, but the color doesn't show up?  What about almost being raped in my closet?  What about planting oak trees?  What about having a motel room where the dividing wall to the next room is only a curtain that doesn't really shut all the way?  I dreamed all these last night, plus a bunch more.  They were very strange.