New and Old

Trying out this mobile app, so please bear with me...

I think things with the boy have run their course, and we're back to being strictly friends. No more benefiting. I'm actually feeling kinda glad about it. He helped me through the rough parts, and I feel more confident now. I feel like that "need" to have someone there isn't as strong. I'm not hiding behind whatever it was we had and am more open to a real relationship if someone should come along. If it doesn't happen for awhile, that's okay. I have great friends and family all around and there for me. And a vibrator... it'll take care of the rest.

"Come Back"

I think I'm making more progress with getting over the ex.  Maybe.  I don't think about him as much, and when I do I don't dwell on it.  I don't think of the bad stuff as much.  Certain songs don't get to me as much as they used to.  Several people have mentioned how much better I seem to be doing.

I did crack a little last night though.  I spent a rather underwhelming dinner and a movie evening with the boy.  No touching or affection of any kind, and I took my cue and left when he announced it was his bed time right after the movie.  As I was driving away I kept wishing he would have asked me to stay the night.  It reminded me of when I left MS after packing all my stuff up.  As I drove farther and farther down the road all I wanted in the whole world was to get a text with the words "Come back".  I held out hope for a good hour as I drove east, but it never came.

I heard a saying recently... "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  I'm so, so ready to turn that page.  Almost there.

I don't think I'm going to be the one to try to make plans with the boy for awhile.  I want to see if he still actually likes hanging out with me enough to call or if he's just not cutting the strings because he wants to keep having sex.  Or if he even calls at all.  Wow, I sound pathetic.  At times I feel it too, but usually not.  I know I'm not ready for an actual relationship yet.  But I like being physical with someone when I can, and I'd rather have an on/off thing with the boy than nothing at all.  I look forward to the day I'm ready for and find the whole package.

Bullet Points

I'm pretty excited right now!  Got my taxes done last night and am getting a good chunk of change back.  Enough to pay most of my car loan off so I'll only have a few more payments before it's totally mine.  Once that's done, I can put more towards my credit card and actually make some progress with it.  Then I can start saving for a down payment because...

I'm really considering buying a house again now.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  This town is home, and I have no desire to move again any time soon.  My last mortgage was cheaper than what I'm paying for rent now, plus I can get approved for more than I did last time because I'm making more.  Not a whole lot, but every little bit helps.

I'm seeing the boy tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks I think.  I got the flu, then we both got busy and tonight is the first we'll be hanging out in what seems like a really long time.  I've kinda missed him.  It should be a mellow night... Chinese and a movie at his place.  My pachingo feels sorta broken right now, so nothing along those lines will be happening.  Thanks endo.

Work's been going fantastically.  My boss has been gone for a little while, and I've been holding the fort down.  I love how I know almost everything about that business.  I certainly should by now... started working there nine freakin years ago.  I was walking around last week, and it hit me how much I enjoy my job.  The people can be trying at times, but for the most part we're all simpatico.  Most of our clients are "regulars" and seem to appreciate that we know them and their pets so well.  Plus I get to love on their pets all day, and what's better than that?

Gotta go get ready for all that puppy lovin now.  :)

Too good not to share!

I was just all down and depressed again and about to head off to bed.  Of course I had to check FB one more time, and thank whoever that I did.  I absolutely can not stop laughing now because of this...

It's THAT easy??  Why didn't anyone tell me about this magic baby dust when I could have used it, huh??

I love ending the day with a laugh.  No, it's not even nine o'clock yet.  Don't judge me... I've still got the flu, darn it.

Do you see those spots?

I had to go to see a doctor today.  The kind you see when you're sick, not a lady doctor.  I'd forgotten what that was like.  They didn't ask me the date of my LMP.  They didn't ask me when I took my last BCP.  I purposely didn't ask my mother to go back with me just in case they asked if it's possible I could be pregnant.  I would have loved the company while waiting, but I didn't want her to know I'm having sex.  (How old am I?)  Anyways, like I thought, it's the flu.  I'm not sure I've ever had the flu, so I figured I'd try to ride it out, but after three agonizing days in bed, I couldn't take it anymore.  Now I'm all for staying in bed on a lazy Sunday when you've got nothing better to do, but this has been pushing it.  I don't think I've ever felt this weak or achy.  Even just lying in bed hurts.

But all that bed rest has made plenty of time for thinking, and this is what has been at the forefront.  Hopefully it wasn't all the fever talking...

It's interesting to see just how much life can change in the span of a year.  I got another FutureMe letter this week written December 31, 2010.  It described how life was at that moment and the plans the ex and I had been making for the coming months.  It described him coming home after the first post-Christmas work shift saying how much he wanted a family with me.  It described our plans for battling the endo.  It said how much I loved my husband and what a great father I thought he would be.

Now, a year later, I'm wondering if I'll find another marriage-worthy fella anytime soon.  If not, I know I would have no qualms having a little one on my own.  After I get myself financially stable that is.  I have a fantastic support system and I know he or she would grow up feeling loved and important.

I find myself wanting to get semi-permanently settled.  I really want to buy a house and make it mine again.  I'm tired of renting.  Early nesting, maybe?

There was more, but vision is blurry now, so I think I shall retire back to boring bed.

Broken Record

I keep having the same dream.  I'm yelling at the ex telling him everything I'm thinking and am still angry about.  Things I wish I could tell him in person but probably never would if given the chance.  This is so frustrating!  I just want to let him go and move on.  I'm tired of still being hung up on him and being dragged down thinking about him.  It's almost been ten months since we separated.  Is it normal to still feel this messed up that long afterward?

I keep picturing him and his girlfriend and how happy they probably are.

I think I need stronger happy pills.

Weird Friday Night

I recently read an article about endo written by Dr. Cook, and a couple of things he said really got me thinking.

"It is not uncommon for... cyclic pain that can exceed the level of pain patients experience after major surgery."
I've never had major surgery, so I don't know about recovery pain.  I do know how debilitating my cramps can be, and it just seems crazy that they could be so similar.  Before I started taking birth control I would be out of commission usually for a day or two, and I'd fight to make it to school and/or work the next few days.  I remember the waves of pain, and how all I could do was try to relax and go with it, as trying to resist them only made it worse.  I remember being at work one day and having to sit down in the middle of the floor because I couldn't stay standing or make it to a chair.

"Grinding fatigue as severe as that experienced with advanced cancer is present in most cases."
I feel like I've been tired pretty much my whole life.  Many people have commented about my almost constant lack of energy, and I always felt weird because of it.  Could it have been because of the endo this whole time?  Tired = emotionally drained = overly sensitive = argh!  And combined with the drowsy side effect of the happy pills, I feel like a freakin zombie lately.

"Feeling like a vibrant desirable woman is long since gone. Acting like the loving compassionate woman, mother and partner that she truly is becomes more and more difficult. The stress on family relationships is common and real."

Especially the end part there.  It has definitely taken a toll on relationships - familial, friendly and romantic.  Going with the latter... I'm always paranoid during sex because I'm constantly spotting.  Oh, and the pain from sex itself is a constant threat to intimacy.  Both make a man lose it faster than he could fall asleep after he's done... if we even make it that far.

And on a different note... I sold my wedding dress today.  To a coworker.  I get to attend her wedding and watch her walk down the isle in my dress.  Was that really the best decision?  She did look beautiful though and she absolutely loved the dress.  Time to move on.

The Thunk Echos

When I ended things with the past flame that I almost hooked up with last week, I used the whole "I'm not ready to be with someone else just yet" excuse.  He responded back with "Better do something quick before I get crazy and get married," which is what he said I had done.

Yeah, he got married today.

I knew something wasn't right before we even got together.  Some FB clues hinted that he had a girlfriend, but nothing said it outright.  When I called him out on it, he denied it completely and even commented that he then understood how rumors get started on FB.

What a fucking jerk!!  I feel so stupid, but so thankful that I didn't actually sleep with him.

Can I pick 'em, or what?

Not Tater! A Tiger!

Got a unique call at work yesterday.  This is how it went down:

Me:  Thank you for calling ____.  May I help you?

Crazy Lady:  Yeah, I got this tater that I need to get looked at.

(What I heard was "tater", but I wasn't quite sure if that was right.)

Me:  You have a what?

Lady:  A tater.

(Figured I'd just go along with it and figure it out as the conversation progressed.)

Lady:  I need to get my tater washed and cleaned up.

Me:  Okay, have you been in with your pet before?

Lady:  No.

Me:  What kind of dog is Tater?

(My best guess.)

Lady:  No!  Not Tater.  It's a tiger!

(Okay.)

Me:  A tiger?

Lady:  Yes!

(Rolling with it being as nice as possible....)

Me:  Well, ma'am, I'm sorry but our facility isn't set up for tigers.

Lady:  It's not?  You can't bathe him?

Me:  No ma'am.

Lady:  (Sounding very disappointed)  Oh....

Me:  But good luck!

She had sounded pretty out of it, so I figured she was on something or trying out a really weird joke.  I had to post something about it on FB because it was just too good not to, and I got this as a comment from a friend:

"It's really funny you posted this because one of my other friends just posted that ____ County animal shelter was going to pickup a tiger while she was there...lol!!!"

After the call I had done a *69, and the number was actually from that county.

No other info yet, but interesting...