Funky Friday

When it comes to the endometriosis, I try to keep an open mind.  It sucks that I have it, and it has caused me a great deal of pain through the years, but I've got that part mostly under control at the moment.  And to be fair, I can't really blame it for not getting pregnant when I was trying to... there were a lot of other factors such as bad timing and lack of cooperation.  In fact, I lost count of how many people said "At least there were no children" when they learned I was getting divorced.  Those words hurt back then, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be at the time.  I don't really know if I'll have trouble the next time I try.  That part I'm kind of okay with.  I don't like the unknown aspects of it, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

I think that's the part that pisses me off.  In three short months I'll be thirty, and I thought my life would be very different by now.  Once again, some days I am okay with it.  But other days, like yesterday, I was nothing but "Poor, pitiful me" and "It's just not fair!"  All I saw were the most adorable happy couples with their little baby bumps, fathers with their kids who they were obviously crazy about and completely unready teenagers.  And no, this wasn't at the lady doctor's office... they all strolled in and out of my workplace all freakin day.  It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.  By the end of it I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything other than go home, have a glass or two of wine and crash.  Didn't even make it to the gym, even though Friday's the day I look forward to going the most.

Why is it the thing you've wanted your entire life is the hardest thing to accomplish?  I never wanted a career.  I never cared about being an important person who makes a major discovery or something of the sort.  All I ever wanted since I was a teenager was to fall in real, lasting love and have a family.  Nothing too complicated or seemingly out of the question, right?

Now I'm wondering if maybe it's not going to happen.  I'm wondering if I'm even really relationship material.  Things went wrong in my marriage, and now I'm not sure about things with the current guy.  Have I just not found the right one, or is it really me destroying everything?  Then again, the right one will be dubbed so for a reason... he'll love me for all I am and won't leave when times get tough.  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?