Unsolicited Advice

"You're an older woman and no man is going to put up with your sensitivity. You're a sweet girl and I'd hate to see you scare someone away, so you need to control it better. Did that piss you off? Good, it was supposed to."

That's what my boyfriend said to me the other night. If you're a regular reader here, you've probably been wanting to tell me the same thing for a while. This is my place to come and vent and work through all my feelings, and I know I sound like a basket case sometimes. In real life I'm not as emotional as all that. Yes, I have my sensitive moments, but it's definitely not all the time. Most days I'm just fine.

I didn't used to be though. I did have some depression and emotional issues a few years ago, and the fallout from those is most likely the biggest part of why my husband left me (which makes what the boyfriend said sting that much more). I like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. When I do get sensitive I usually recognize and acknowledge it, give him a heads up and apologize if I say something I shouldn't.

So... first thing... really, guy? I did not ask for his opinion and did not appreciate him pretty much reaffirming something I'm paranoid about anyway. He couldn't have known I think about that on the reg, but still. I do the best I can every day, and if that's just not good enough? Well, it's a good thing we're going our separate ways in a few months.

Second... who the hell tells a woman who will be turning thirty in a couple of weeks and is not too happy about it that she is an OLDER WOMAN?! That's not me being sensitive (ok, maybe a little), that's him being a jerk.

Why do I let the words from a self-proclaimed asshole bother me so much? Is it because as much of an asshole that he can be, he's giving it to me from a guy's perspective? He said I could lay on him what I thought of some of his faults. I wanted to say he's a chauvinistic, racist jerk, but instead I told him I'm not that kind of person and that it would serve no purpose.

It is possible I may have been a little more sensitive than usual these past few weeks. I've been having some weird health things going on and my cycle has been weird. I thought for a bit that I might actually be pregnant. This is probably the only time I've hoped to not see that second pink line. Four times it didn't appear, so four BFNs. That's definitely for the best right now.

If I've learned anything from all this it's that I cannot and will not let having or not having a man dictate how I live my life. I'm not going to alter my personality just to get a man. The right one will love me for me, quirks and all. Taking it a step further because it's been on my mind, I'm not going to let the fact that I may one day meet someone and want to move again deter me from buying a house now if I'm able. I won't keep renting until I find a guy to buy a house with because the day for that may never come.

I will do what's right for me. If a man should come along, our lives compliment each others' and we want to be together, that's great. If not, then so be it. I've got friends and family and that will be just fine.