Difficult Day

It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard.  All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her.  We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice.  We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.

Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday.  Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it.  I still felt fine and not sorry for myself.  I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't.  I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry.  I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected.  Apparently not.

And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off.  I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there.  I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation.  But still.  They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children.  I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice.  It's just one little click of a mouse.

Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again.  I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too.  She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal.  She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow.  I'm so happy she and I are still friends.

Moving on, I met a fella.  On Tinder of all places.  He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor.  So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman.  He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues.  He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.

Our first date was at a halfway point.  We had lunch then talked for several hours.  He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together.  Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset.  I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend.  Maybe this coming week.

As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared.  At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it.  And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name.  It could be anyone.  Friend, family member.  But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date.  But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me.  I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.

The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this.  Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this.  I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it.  But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends.  I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt.  But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.