Hello Again

This probably won't become a regular thing, so don't get your hopes up, but I want to write... something.  I've debated if it should be in a journal or just a note on my phone. Then I remembered this place, but it felt kind of weird coming back here. Even though this has been my safe space, I think I was using it in the wrong way. I feel I became self-indulgent here, and I don't want to do that again. 

My life is completely different now, and even though I have a lot of the same feelings and emotional struggles, I think I'm in a better place mentally to not go down that road again. With my bouts of depression and anxiety I tend to get really down, and it's been happening more lately. I believe quite a bit of it has been due to the holidays and missing my mother so much; I am still so very sad that she's not around to know her grandson, especially this time of year. But through everything a single thought keeps coming back and hitting me…

I have everything I’ve always wanted out of life.

Yes, there are things I'd still like to do and places I want to see and live, but the one main dream I've had for my life has come to be. How incredible is that? How lucky am I? 

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we created this perfect little human being who happens to be the coolest little dude I've ever met. I wasn't sure I'd get to experience any of that.

My heart now swells daily, and I am so very thankful for that.

Dream Come True

You know how my whole life all I've ever wanted is to have a family?

I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!

Oh. My. God.  I still can't believe it!  And on the freakin first month off of birth control.  No way did I ever think it would happen this fast and I was fully prepared for it to be a long process.  Nope!

So, getting personal here...

A few days after I should have ovulated, my boobs got super sore and my nipples just stayed in a constant state of alert.  Which they never do.  It was so freakin weird.  I figured it was just PMS starting early and coming on strong.  So, I got closer and closer to when AF was due and was slightly cramping, but had no spotting, which I always do.

So I decided to take a test.

I laid it down, set a timer, and walked out of the room fully expecting to return to a single line.  Like always.  I had to walk back in to get something and decided to just peek at it even though there were a few minutes left.

Big, dark BFP staring right at me!

No fucking way.  Are you serious?  OH MY GOD!!!

Shake, laugh, and cry.  That's what I did.  It was later morning, and the boyfriend wouldn't be home until evening, and I decided not to call him at work.  I did take another test just to see, and sure enough, another BFP.  Sweet!

I headed to the computer and researched some interesting ways to tell him.  Many would take some planning, and I didn't want to wait.  I had a huge multi-picture frame thing that I'd been wanting to fill up, so I decided to use that.  I took a selfie of me holding the positive test and one of the dog in shaming style with a sign that said "I will not bark at the baby."  I filled the remaining spots with pictures of the two of us.

I covered it with a blanket and prepared for a grand reveal.  He came home, and I let him get settled while acting totally normal.  I told him I wanted to show him something I had made that day and he followed me over.  I should have ripped the blanket off all at once, but he grabbed a corner and just saw the picture of the dog and sign.  He looked at me and asked, "Is that supposed to mean something?"  I told him "Yes."  He replied, "Really?" "Yep."  Then he smiled and hugged me.  It was wonderful.

We ended up telling family and very close friends.  Everyone was so excited, and I loved getting to say the words, "I'm pregnant."

His brother and sister-in-law invited us for dinner the next day, and on the way over we got to talking about getting married.  We wanted to go ahead and make it legal, then have a ceremony this summer.

We're getting married tomorrow!!  I'm overjoyed.

While we were with his family, we asked their opinions on dates and venues and ended up doing a full on search almost all night.  We've pretty much decided on somewhere in the NC mountains.  I've got two meetings in the next couple of weeks set up to tour places that have our date available.  I can't believe this is all happening so quickly.  A week ago I didn't even know I was pregnant, much less that we'd be getting married anytime soon.

This is incredible.

I can't believe it's 2019

I'm back.  We'll see how long it lasts this time, right?  Over a year since I've written... geez.

A brief chronological summary since we last spoke...
- The boyfriend and I are great and are planning marriage and kids.
- My biological father passed away.
- Endometriosis is back.
- Went on keto diet and lost a lot of weight.
- We bought a new house so we could all live together.
- Sold my house very quickly and renting out stepdad's house.
- Vacationed in Turks & Caicos... damn it was beautiful.
- Stepdad died a little before Christmas.

Damn.

Okay, that's about all I can muster for now.  Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.

Holiday Update

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here.  So much has happened.  I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September.  His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next.  He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures.  I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.

He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable.  I am too.  But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life.  I'm struggling with that.

Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up".  Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on.  I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could.  Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit.  We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least.  If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets.  Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day.  Try to sleep.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him.  But lately, it's just seemed so hard.  Maybe it's the holidays.  I'm missing Mom terribly.  I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.

And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids.  The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one.  I can't imagine being without him.  I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see.  In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids.  My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me.  We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.

How the hell would that work anyway?!  He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house.  If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do?  Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option.  Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.

I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.

My Mom Died

It's taken me a month to write that down.  Well, tomorrow will be a month, and I'm still in shock.  I can't believe she's gone.  It happened so fast and was completely unexpected.  We really thought she had more time.  I think her body was just tired and couldn't keep going.

These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all.  He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week.  The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body.  He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily.  I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon.  He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in.  He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week.  I guess we'll see.

I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon.  I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her.  But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it.  It just seems so unreal.  Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon.  I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times.  When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.

I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately.  I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending.  I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve.  On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit.  All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.

I did get a tattoo for her the other day though.  It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow.  She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her.  I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays.  We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch.  We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.

I miss her so very much.

Small Update

So my mom's doctor thinks he can give her two or three years, and she had her second round (session, dose, whatever) of chemo this week.  She's weak.  She's in pain.  She feels sick.  She can't really do anything but sit.  It's incredible how much of a 180 her life has taken in such a short amount of time.  My brain almost can't understand how this woman who has been so strong my entire life now can barely get out of her chair.  It's been so strange taking care of her when she has played the caretaker role herself for so long.  How is it that my stepdad has more energy than she does and is now taking on more than I thought was possible for him?  He loves her so much.

At least things with the boyfriend are good right now.  I finally met the last of his immediate family a couple of weeks ago.  We've been good since he moved in and even bought a new couch together.  No big issues or little annoyances have caused any problems.  We had a nice little talk on the beach after a few beers last week, which was nice.  Just kind of reconfirmed that we're there for each other no matter what.

I guess that's it for now.  I can't seem to get much out even though there are endless thoughts running through my head.

My Mom Has Cancer

Um.... what the fuck is happening right now?  I could very possibly lose both of my parents very soon.  How the hell is this happening?

A few weeks ago my mother started having some issues and went to have them checked out.  The doctors did numerous tests and procedures, and several days ago it was confirmed that she has cancer.  It's the exact same place my grandmother had it, but it's spread to other places in my mother.  It's not curable but is treatable.  She has her first appointment with a cancer specialist this week, so we'll know more soon.

I am just in shock.  She's always been my rock, and I can't even begin to fathom being without her.  Even now, she's so stoic about it all.  She says she's accepted it and is not scared of dying.  She doesn't want anyone to know, doesn't want a pity party, and wants my stepdad and me to remain optimistic.

I'm just... numb.  Even though she says she's not scared, she's got to be.  She says what worries her is the leaving people behind, and I can understand that.  But I'm so worried about what she'll be going through.  She says she has discomfort now, but no real pain.  She's noticeably weaker and loses energy very quickly.  She just retired and was looking forward to getting out and doing things, and now she can't.  It's so freakin heartbreaking.

I don't even know what else to say.  I can't seem to stop crying.

Happy Mother's Day.

Spinning

I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Trespasser

I'm frustrated right now, and life has been weird the past few weeks.  The major issue has been with my roommate of the past year.  I've been staying with the boyfriend over weekends lately, and the last few Mondays I've noticed a few things in my room that just seemed different than how I left them.

One day my ceiling fan was on, which I never leave on when I'm gone.  My old phone which I use as an iPod was askew on the dock.  Some built-in bookmark tassels were hanging off the shelf when I always have them tucked under the book so the cats don't play with them.  Then there was my computer.  The monitor was on, and I knew I hadn't left it that way.  I powered up the computer to find a message that it hadn't been shut down properly.  Hmmm...  I did some digging and found some files that had been accessed on a day I wasn't home at all.  Did some more digging and found the log stating it had indeed been turned on and off that same day.

Fuuuck.

Now my roommate had never given me real trouble before.  He lived with me for a little over a year and the worst he did was be a little loud in the kitchen at night and slam the front door on the way out to work.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  But overall, nothing too bad.  Lately he's been drinking.  Like, a lot.  There was an incredible amount of beer and liquor bottles in the recycling bin the past couple of months.  So I knew he was having some problems.

I decided to get a security camera that I could view over my phone.  Got a pretty decent one for not too expensive that has night vision and alerts me whenever there's motion detected.  It's not exactly tiny and is pretty obviously a camera, so I tried to hide it the best I could on a bookshelf surrounded by a bunch of knickknacks.  From a distance it kind of blended in, but up close it was noticeable.

I left as usual that weekend and was nervous all night.  We went to bed, and around eleven o'clock I was notified of movement.  Sure enough, he was in there.  He started out just petting one of the cats for a few minutes, but soon after he started snooping.  He went through my desk drawer then headed to the walk-in closet.  Unfortunately the camera angle couldn't entirely show into the closet, so I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was in there for a long time.  I could kind of see him going through some things, and I know he was in my underwear bin because they were all disheveled.  (Eww.)  He eventually moved on to my bathroom and went through my medicine drawer and looked at all the stuff under the sink.

So the boyfriend and I were watching him as he was going through all my stuff, and I could not stop shaking.  I was so disturbed and knew I wouldn't sleep at all knowing he might go back in, so I asked the boyfriend if he would accompany me the hour's drive home and stay the night.  Of course he did, and we put a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door the next morning and gave him notice to vacate.  He moved out two days later and left a long, handwritten letter apologizing and calling himself every negative adjective imaginable.  He left his room pretty dirty and somehow partially moldy, so there's been some detailed cleaning going on.

I still feel kind of violated.  He never gave any indication of doing anything physically to me (although in his letter he stated how his co-worker suggested things he should do to me... he could have left that part out, thankyouverymuch), but my safe space was intruded upon and rummaged through.  At one point we thought he'd put a camera in my closet, but luckily we didn't find anything.  And I really don't know how long he'd been going into my room.  I really think it was just the past few weeks, but it's possible it had been longer and he'd just gotten sloppy lately.  Ugh, I hope not.  I moved my camera into the main room of the house with a view of both the front and back doors.  I'm just a little paranoid, but I'm starting to feel more at ease.

So now I have my house to myself again.  The boyfriend might move in at the end of the month, and if not, a friend of a friend is interested.  But for now I'm enjoying the solitude.

I'm sad today, so gonna write...

AF showed just before being five weeks late.  At that point I was just so ready for the waiting game to be over and to put the whole emotionally trying cycle behind me that I actually yelled out "YES!" when she arrived.  Luckily I was at home.  I spotted for a week after she was gone and have been having daily pelvic pain ever since.  This cycle is showing signs of being normal in terms of length so far, so I guess we'll see if I get back on track.

I'm actually really scared the endo is back now.  I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions.  So I don't know.  I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time.  And in reality, what can they really do?  Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications.  The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now.  I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.

The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two.  I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious.  He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant.  I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.

In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids.  It was nice to meet them and just hang out.  We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning.  We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend.  We're not that young anymore apparently.  We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown.  The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day.  It was pretty perfect.

My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week.  He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia.  It was scary.  Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there.  It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous.  He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful.  His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.

Not Pregnant

I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative.  Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative.  I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight.  Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying.  The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor.  Fucking awesome.

I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me.  He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive.  He really has been amazing through all of this.  We just had the best long weekend together.  We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo.  We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner.  I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.

I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm scared the endo is back.

Waiting Game

Here I am, twelve days late, still no sign of AF, still getting negative pregnancy tests.  WTF?!  Never in my life have I missed a period or had a cycle longer than 35 days (and that's when I was much younger).  I'm currently on day 42.  I just don't get it.

I told the boyfriend about it at the end of last week.  He was totally shocked and didn't know what to say.  Other than a few general how and when type things, we really didn't discuss it much further that evening.  The next night after he'd had time alone to process, we talked for a little while, and he said he actually wanted me to be pregnant!

Which made me totally fucking melt.

We talked about how I'd been feeling and how I'd been testing, along with other little things I can't seem to recall now.  But we didn't talk about the future or what we would do if we are pregnant.  And that's okay.  We need to find out first.

Which is what has been driving me crazy.  I keep reading stories online about women who didn't get their BFPs until waaay past when AF was due, and that's what I keep clinging to.  Apparently for some people pregnancy tests don't always work right away or at all.  Sometimes it takes much longer than you'd expect for the hCG to be detected by OTC tests.  I've tried three different brands of tests so far.  I started with a grocery store generic, then First Response, and finally ordered a 25-pack of Wondfos because the others are way too expensive.  I'm wanting to test every morning now, so I'm glad I got them.

Day after tomorrow I'll be two weeks late, in theory making me six weeks pregnant.  If I am.  I've been having weird cramping since last week.  It doesn't feel like normal AF cramps, which I've taken as a good thing and have been hoping has just been the uterus starting to stretch or whatever it does.  Then what I call ovary pain, localized on each side, started up and has gotten more intense with each passing day.  It's been mostly on the left side, which made me nervous about an ectopic, but today it's gotten sharper on the right side.  Then I started reading about pregnancy with endometriosis and how that pain could be from the scar tissue stretching or something.  I just don't know.  Oh, Dr. Google.

I've also had bouts of being not quite nauseous, but just a little queasy.  Almost every day, and I'm never like that usually.  I've also had a headache at some point every single day which is annoying.

Of course I'm thinking of other things it could be also.  The scariest is that the endo is back with a vengeance.  It really does frighten me to think of that.  The boyfriend is taking me out of town for a long birthday weekend, and I'm taking vacation from work next week.  If still nothing either way by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can get in with my doctor for a blood test or ultrasound maybe.  I'm fully expecting them to dismiss it all and tell me that it's probably nothing.  But I know it's not.  I know my body and if I'm not pregnant, then this pain and being so late means something else.  It's not normal for me.

Either way, the boyfriend has been so wonderful and supportive.  I was voicing concerns about the endo last night and started crying.  He was so sweet and said we're going to get it figured out.  The way he said that "we" made me so happy.  The concern in his voice made me feel so safe and protected and like he would stay by my side no matter the outcome of all of this.  That feeling is incredible.

Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.

Staycation Ramblings

The hurricane did a little damage.  The wind knocked some large tree limbs down, one of which took out a section of fence in my back yard.  Somehow it went down in one piece without any of the wood actually breaking, and it didn't take much for wonderful boyfriend and me to prop it up and nail it back in place.  I borrowed my parents tiny electric chainsaw to chop up the massive limbs, and some kind neighbors helped me drag it all out to the road.  It caused a lot of terrible flooding all over the region, but I was lucky not to have been affected.

The boy and I are still doing very well.  We see each other all the time and still get along wonderfully.  He just got back from a trip across the state to visit family.  I won't lie, I got a little nervous.  When the last boyfriend cheated on me, it was during a trip he took home, and that still affects me apparently.  But I trust him and really don't see him as the cheating type.  He's also been cheated on and knows how it feels, so hopefully he wouldn't ever.  I hate that I still worry about that.

I'm currently on vacation from work, and it's mostly a staycation.  The majority of the week I'm planning on just chilling at home and around town.  I'm doing laundry now (exciting) and will see the boy tonight.  Later this week and weekend he and I are going to a beach house some of his friends are gathering at.  He said there would be lots of just hanging out, drinking and smoking, so it should be relaxing.  If it gets too much for me, I'll be prepared with wine, a book, and a hoodie to chill on the beach.

I want the boy to meet my people.  I want to introduce him to my parents and show him off to friends, but I worry it's too soon.  I really want to make sure he's going to stick around for awhile before I do.  I'm very much hoping to have him to spend the fall/winter and holidays with.  They're so much more magical when you've got a special someone to share them with.

I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

On Guard

Two months since I've written.  So hard to believe, but... I believe it.  Life was hard for a little while, and I brought it on myself.  As so many stories start out lately... I met this guy.

He was not Mr. Right, but I wanted to give it time to see if he could be because at first (of course) he seemed like almost everything I've been looking for.  During the month we were together we hung out all the time and even took a weekend trip together.  He fell really hard pretty quickly, and I... didn't.  The magic just wasn't there.

Then because of some events from his past that came up and some ways he began to act towards me, I started to wonder if he was legitimately fully sane and became scared about breaking things off.  I knew I needed to before he fell further (and I really should have a lot earlier), but I was kind of frightened of what he might do.  I did it in a very public place for safety.  Drama ensued for two days after, and now, three weeks later, I'm still on guard.

He tried to scare me into getting back together with him.  It was only over texts, but I was nervous.  Enough to call the police.  I've never encountered anyone who would do something like that before, and I was scared for a while.  I bought pepper spray for the first time in my life.  I turned the surveillance system in my house back on.  I kept looking in the rear view mirror to see if anyone was following me as I drove.  Paranoid much?

I still am on guard, but I keep telling myself he wouldn't do anything now.  Because really all he did was text me.  But I know he's going to be working in town sometime soon (he lives about an hour away), and I keep wondering.  You just never know if someone truly does have some sort of mental illness, and something in me just can't let it go yet. 

Reading back over this, it seems so stupid.  But I've just never felt like this before and I hate it.  I'm so ready to move on and feel fully safe again.  I've debated writing about this for awhile now because I'm weird like that.  (What if he somehow finds my totally anonymous blog?  What if he found it on my computer the two minutes he was alone in my room?  And many more...)  But I'm hoping it'll help me get over it as writing about my troubles oftentimes seems to do.

Also I've become lactose intolerant in the past few weeks.  That really fucking sucks too.

The End

He did respond not long after with basically a "Sorry, life's been crazy" message... yeah.  So we chatted back and forth for a little while about random things.  Neither of us asked to see the other.  I wanted to ask if he was still interested, but chickened out that night.

Yesterday went by with no message.  Today during my lunch break I grew some balls and sent a very straightforward message asking if he still wanted to go out, and giving him an out by saying I understood if he didn't.  Hours passed.  No reply until just a few minutes ago.

More of the "Life's been crazy" with an added "I don't know what I want right now."  Exactly what I would say if someone I didn't really like called me out on it.

So there's that.

Mr. Almost Perfect, Part 2

It's possible I'm being ghosted, and it's also possible that he thinks I'm ghosting him.  But I think it's the former.  Last Saturday afternoon I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out that night or Sunday.  He was busy that day, and said maybe Sunday.  Sunday came and he was really not feeling well.  Which I believed because he was kinda sick when we first met the week before.  No worries.

I had suggested an awesome event we were both interested in that was happening Tuesday evening, and he said he'd know better on Monday.  Monday came and he said he was still sick and had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, so he'd let me know.  Tuesday morning the rain changed the details of the awesome event so it wouldn't be as awesome anymore.  I texted him saying that since it had changed and because he was sick, we should call the evening a bust and plan on something later in the week or over the weekend.  He said that sounded good, and I told him I hoped the doctor could help him.

And that was it.  No communication from either side since then.  I haven't reached out because I wanted him to want to pursue me, if he was truly interested.  Because that's what you do if you really like someone, right?  Since he didn't, I pretty much figured he wasn't into me anymore and I decided not to text him anymore.  I went back to my dating apps, but they just feel wrong.  And I've had this terrible feeling inside my stomach... is this fucking heartache over this guy?  We went out twice!  Why the fuck am I feeling like this?!

Because I felt an instant connection with him and haven't had that for many, many years.  Because I can still picture the intensity in his eyes on our first date.  Because he assured me he was truly a nice guy.  And all of that got my hopes up.

So I texted him just now.  Basically a "Hey, how are you doing?" message to test the waters.  In all honesty though, I'm the one who cancelled our latest plans, and part of me wonders if maybe he's been thinking I've been ghosting him.  Who knows.  I guess we'll see if he responds.  If not though, I'll know I can move on with a clear conscience and try to find my closure.

Mr. Almost Perfect

So I met another fella and I really like him.  Like, a lot.  I saw him on Tinder twice.  The first time I thought he was very cute and liked his profile, but I swiped left for two reasons.  One is he's local.  Since the ex and I split, it kills me whenever I see him around town, and I want to avoid that in the future.  Secondly, we have mutual friends.  Not a big deal, but kinda for the same reason as the first.  I really thought hard about him for a long time, but wound up swiping left.

Then he popped back up a day or so later.  Which means he swiped right for me.  Hmm...  The majority of our mutual friends are just acquaintances to me except for one, who happens to be my best bud.  So I asked her about him, and all she said was, "He's a sweetheart."  Okay.  I looked at his pictures again for a long time, and his eyes totally won me over.  So I swiped right, and it was an immediate match.

We texted for a few days then had a phone call, during which I fell in love with his voice.  It was so cute and calming.  We met this past weekend for one of the best first dates of my life.  Immediate attraction and chemistry.  I was super nervous, and he brought me out of my shell.  We made out a lot, which I never do on first dates.  The way he looked at me held an intensity I hadn't seen or felt in a very long time.  Those eyes...

I left that night feeling I'd finally found someone I could really fall for.  My heart felt open to whatever might come with him without any fear.  And he seemed to be genuinely interested in me.

The following day he was busy, but we texted the whole time and agreed to meet for lunch the next day.  I was so excited, but it was kind of anticlimactic.  He was really tired and not feeling his best.  During the chit chat we talked about his career goals, then he asked if I had a dream job.  I replied that I didn't and really had always just wanted a family.

At this point let me mention that we'd talked about whether we want kids before we even met... he knew I definitely do, and I knew that he's not sure.  That being said...

After lunch he took me to this quiet and hidden spot on the river.  We talked and made out more, but he seemed different, like he was holding something back.  The intensity in his eyes wasn't there.  He mentioned what I said about wanting a family.  I confirmed with him that he wasn't sure yet about kids and gently said that it was a concern for me.  And we left it at that.  It started raining, and we made out in his car for awhile.  (So much kissing, and I love it!)

Since then he's felt distant.  I know he's been busy at work, but there are differences.  Even before we met he would send me multiple selfies a day and ask for pics from me.  Just something he likes to do.  But I haven't gotten the request or received a single one from him since our last meeting.  He'd also been sending sweet texts with kiss emoticons before, and now again, not one since that lunch date.  The conversation is shorter and has a totally different feel to it now.

It's killing me.  I know we've only hung out twice, but it felt so real.  It was such an instant connection that I thought for sure would lead somewhere, but now I'm not so certain anymore.  He's got a lot of stress at work this week, and I don't want to press him right now.  I'm hoping we'll get to meet up sometime this weekend and I can see how he is.

I hate dating.  I love when it's good and the feelings that go with that, but I hate this part.  The not knowing.  If he's not into it anymore, I wish he would just say it so I can move on before I get my heart broken too badly.  Because otherwise he's pretty much exactly who I've been looking for, and I can see myself falling hard and fast for him.

I kind of already have.