Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.