This blog is such a teenage girl's diary...

Yesterday kinda sucked.  It was the slowest day at work we've had in quite awhile and there was not much to do.  I cleaned a lot.  The boss lady taught me how to play Pirates Dice... that was pretty fun and would be a fantastic drinking game.

That afternoon I read a FB update that I'd pretty much been expecting, but totally threw me off the rest of the day.  The 18-year-old from the last post who got married a month after dating the guy... yeah, she's pregnant.  They're claiming they didn't know when they got married, but other factors are pointing towards they did.  No judgement, they're happy.  She even told me two years ago that she wanted to be married by 18 and pregnant by 20.  I just worry about her... she's had a really rough life, and I don't think she's worked through all her issues.  I'm hoping her new husband has stopped pursuing that other chick and will be totally committed to her.  But we all know how some men are.

Even though I was expecting this news to be coming soon, it hit me harder than a lot of pregnancy announcements, and I can't quite figure out why.  Maybe because it happened so fast for them.  I mean, they haven't even been together two months yet.  That's crazy fast.  And she's so young.

Again, I'm probably just jealous.  I still haven't gotten out of my funk.  I'm all doom and gloom in my head when I think of my romantic future.  I think I've just gotten used to the humdrumness that is my current relationship and am figuring there's no man who could actually find me attractive anymore.

I think the bf and I have kinda stopped trying to be anything close to romantic.  I take that back... I think he's stopped trying.  We're splitting up in a month and a half and he doesn't see the point anymore.  That's my guess anyway.  He rarely hugs me on his own accord, never kisses me unless I kiss him, never acts happy to see me at the end of the day... then again he hasn't for a really long time, and that's a big chunk of why we don't work.  I need to know that my man actually wants to be with me.  I need it to be obvious and not "Oh, I do love you, I'm just not an affectionate person."  I need an affectionate person.  Maybe I should stop being so affectionate towards him.  Maybe that will make the actual act of splitting up and moving out easier on us both.

I've been scared lately.  I'm scared that I've forgotten how to be and act in a relationship.  I've grown cold and closed off sometimes with the bf, and I'm scared I won't be able to open up for a new one.  I keep telling myself the right guy will love all of me, but in reality, will he?  Will someone be able to look past all the issues and realize I've been hurt and am now very cautious but really want to let my guard down and get close?  Will I be able to work through all those issues and know that it can be different with the right one?

I think it's good that I've been with this guy.  You can learn something from every situation.  I think I've just got to look at it like that and only take away the lessons learned from it.  If it works like that.

I'm still hung up on trying to do that with my failed marriage.  Some things are harder to let go of.  It's been two years, come on!  When will I finally move on from that??

But, now, to look at the positive... I'm off today and am having a nice, lazy morning.  I have plans to lay out in the back yard and soak up some more sun today.  I'm determined to actually have a tan this year.  Awesome roommate is coming over for a pancake dinner tonight since the bf is working late.  I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and am determined to go more often, once this blister goes away.  Any day now we should be getting the appraisal back on the house, and if it's good, will move forward with the inspection.  I found some awesome bar stools for the house.

Life is good, and I will actually get out of my funk and see that once again.  I will get my head on straight one of these days.