The word neurosurgeon scares the crap out of me...

So much has happened in the past 24 hours that my mind is spinning.  It was really only one doctor appointment, but so much went down.  I couldn't take the pain anymore and went into the local urgent care place when they opened at 8am yesterday.  I got the nicest doctor who just happened to be returning to work after three weeks off to recover from the exact same thing I have.  He was so sympathetic and made me feel like a priority.

I was in tears as he examined me, testing each leg.  I ended up getting X-rays and an MRI which told him that I have a protruding disc that is pinching the sciatic nerve.  And that it's pretty bad.  He said it's past the point where a chiropractor can help and gave me a referral to a local neurosurgeon, and that appointment isn't until next Thursday.  He said no work until I'm all better and he releases me.  He said the surgeon will probably suggest one of two things... epidural steroid injections or surgery.  Both sound just lovely.

He prescribed me Vicodin, which I've never taken before and does not seem to be helping one bit.  I actually feel worse now, and it makes me sleepy all the time.  To be fair though, there was a lot going on yesterday to aggravate the pain, so I'll give it a couple of days before requesting something else, if that's even possible.  I literally could not stand or walk this morning.  I got out of bed and thought I was going to pass out from the pain.

I'm freaking out.  I may have to have back surgery, which I was never expecting to have, especially at 31!  The pain medication is not working and I can barely get out of bed.  I'm out of work for who knows how long.  It's all a bit overwhelming right now.

No Relief

I used to take for granted how easy it was to put on socks.  Now it's one of the hardest parts of my morning.  I never gave a second thought to picking up the dogs' food bowls to feed them dinner.  Now I have up scoot them across the floor to the food container with my foot.  I make multiple trips to the sink with a cup to fill up their water bowl.

I am fucking miserable.  All the time.  Never have I been in this much pain for so long.  It hurts to sit, stand, bend over, lie down, do nothing.  The sharp, shooting, searing pain is torture every time I try to move.  My leg aches all the time and some of the muscles have begun to twitch.  I have a limp all the time when I attempt to walk.  My toes on the bum leg are tingly and half numb some of the time now, and I keep rolling my ankle as I hobble along.  It's gonna be twisted or sprained before long.

I've been to the chiropractor three times this week.  She said it should take three to six adjustments total before I'm better. The three so far have just been adjustments to try to get all the swelling down before she can do the actual adjustment to make me better.  She keeps saying that after that one I'll want to kill her, but the next day I'll feel so much better.  We'll see.

After each adjustment I think I feel just the tiniest bit better, but I'm starting to wonder if that's wishful thinking.  I just hurt so badly, and there really doesn't seem to be any overall improvement.  Although she did say my back adjusted a little easier yesterday, so I guess that's progress.  She also said she'll be the first to tell me if what she's doing just isn't working and if she thinks I need to get help elsewhere.

*sigh*  I'm so tired of hurting and being on the verge of tears all the time.  I don't know how people with chronic pain every single day of their lives deal with it.  My spirit is slowly breaking down.  I usually try to stay positive, but it's becoming very difficult.  I'm still taking the anti-depressant, and that's probably what's kept me from breaking down so far.

Sciatic Nerve Pain

Every.  Single.  Day.

It's been almost a month straight now that I've had it pretty much 24/7.  It used to come and go, but now it's all the freakin time.  It's worse in the morning, and getting ready for work is excruciating!  Once I get to work I'm limping for a few hours before the pain killers start to kick in, not that they do much to help anyway.  I've actually been waking up way before rise and shine time to take pain killers hoping they'll start to work before I have to get up.

A lot of times the ovary on that side is throbbing too, but not quite as much lately.  I really don't know if it's endo related or not.  I've been trying some stretches that are supposed to help with that kind of pain and going back to the gym to try to strengthen my back muscles, but I can't tell a difference yet.

I may give it a bit longer then go back to my chiropractor.  She's the only one I've really been to, and it's been almost five years since I last saw her.  She said I was her most difficult patient.  She would demonstrate on my back how far she would press for normal patients, which was maybe half way for what it took her to adjust me.  She said I was too flexible.

But adjustments freakin hurt me!  As she was doing them, I would get sharp pains and would be sore for days.  She'd never had anyone like that.  That's why I'm nervous to go back.  But maybe I'm really out of alignment and that's what's causing the pain.  I'm thinking if I keep doing my stretches and exercising, do go back to see her and there's still no improvement... then maybe it really could be endo related.

But we're not there yet.  One step at a time.  I just know it seems to be getting worse every day, and I've got to do something about it.  Grrr...

Last night I dreamed...

So many things that jumped around to many different settings and subjects.

The boyfriend and I were in a jewelry store looking for an engagement ring, but for some reason he wouldn't directly ask the woman behind the counter for what he wanted.  I was getting flustered and spit out, "Do you have a...."  She informed me that I would have to put a nonrefundable deposit in this little envelope thing and take it to the store next door just to look at, not even buy, loose diamonds.  I was really mad then and started yelling that I'd never been to a jewelry store that did that and demanded to know why they didn't have rings for me to try on.  She stayed calm and explained the store policy to me and asked if I'd like to make the deposit.  I said no and felt bad that she didn't get a "sale", so I left her a tip.

I was at some fair type thing and ran into my infertile cousin.  I asked her if she or my aunt had ever been formally diagnosed with anything, then had to actually explain to her what endo is.  She then walked me over to a booth with two "adoption specialists."  Two men in suits and ties who kept dodging my questions.  They wouldn't answer with any specifics and really didn't seem to know anything.

I was at some party in this really expensive house.  I kept running into people I knew and stopped to chat with them all for awhile.  Some man walked up to me while I was talking to friends and joined the conversation.  After awhile it was just him and me, and he took me by the arm and led me down a really narrow hallway with half a dozen bedroom doors partially open.  Everyone inside them was having sex.  I tried to get away, but he led me into a bathroom and kind of shoved me down onto a built in bench.  I tried to crawl away, but he came up behind me and grabbed my hips.  (Luckily that one ended there.  Pretty scary.)

I was somehow back in Mississippi in my old house with the ex and roommate and his new girlfriend.  The ex and I were back together, and it didn't feel right.  All this time that's passed and the events that have occurred since we split up had all still happened... we had still gotten divorced, I had still been with the now boyfriend.  But we were somehow back together, even though it didn't feel right.  I got to see my old dog and met the new dog he'd gotten.  They had been overfeeding my cat, and I told them the food was expensive and they would be buying the next bag.

These were in no particular order and just a few of the many that came and went all night it seemed.  I woke up feeling a little confused.

Absent

That's what I've been.  But I've got a great reason, I swear!

The boyfriend moved in!!!

I'm so excited.  It happened rather quickly and all of a sudden actually last week.  Weird circumstances at his old place developed, and he decided it was time!  So we've been moving him and his stuff in, and tomorrow will be a week.  It has been so, so wonderful!

There's been a bit of an adjustment period, for him especially.  He said it's been just a tiny bit weird.  I did buy this house by myself and have been living in it for ten months now.  He feels awkward not knowing where anything is or where all the light switches are.  But he's adapting quickly and has been settling in nicely.

He's very handy and has already switched into Mr. Fix It mode a couple of times.  His next project will be the garbage disposal.  Between us we've got three computers which we've put in the loft upstairs.  It looks like command central up here now.  We've rearranged all our furniture, and this place feels even more like home now.  I had really missed his big comfy couch.

The dogs are a bit off still.  My dog has turned into kind of a loner...

Where he goes for his alone time now, complete with grump face

And his is even more of a lover now...

We were cuddling before the bf piled all his toys on top of him

They play and seem happy to be around each other all the time again, but it's still weird for them too.  Time will help.  The cat has been fine.  He adapts to anything pretty easily.

I am so happy right now.  It really feels like I have my family back together again.  I enjoyed living alone for a few months, but I am definitely happier now that he's here.  No more only seeing him once or twice a week.  No more driving home late Sunday night after The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones.  No more sad goodbye kisses.

I get him every night now.  And I hope to every night for the rest of our lives.  :)

I ate some bugs...

I don't handle stress well.  Or I should say, my stomach doesn't.  Butterflies and dragonflies and big ol' chunky beetles flying around and crashing into things in there.  That's a weird visual, huh?  That's what it feels like though, and it's all from work.  The tension just hangs in the air and taints the winds of change that may soon be blowing through.  I don't like it.

The thing is though... it will be really good for me should it all go down as it's looking like it will.  I may be getting a huge promotion in the next few months.  My boss has seriously pissed off the big boss man, and vice versa.  She's looking for a new job, and I've heard through the grapevine that he wants me to take her position.  I've been there forever and know the place inside and out.  When it comes to the day to day operation, I'm the go to person.

But I'm terrified that I would be a horrible manager.  I hate being the one in charge of anything.  I'm just not that Type A person who enjoys that stuff.  I don't handle ticked off clients well at all.  I can't even imagine myself doing the hiring and firing.  I take things personally and can't leave the stresses of the day at the office.  Even just the thought that she may quit and this might happen sometime in the near future is haunting me when I'm trying to sleep.

It's weird, but I think part of it is because I never wanted that huge amount of responsibility at work.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a slacker.  I'm a very hard worker and give my all when I'm there... but I do my job and go home each night not worrying about the future of the business.  And I like it like that.

I've said it before, and it really is the truth... I never wanted a career.  I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and to raise my family.  Maybe that's lack of ambition, but what better thing to do with your life than have children?  It's all I've ever really wanted.  I never planned for something like this.  I've been perfectly happy just being assistant manager until my dream could happen and never really wanted more professionally.

This scares the shit out of me.  I'm scared I'll do a bad job and get fired, then where the hell will I be?  I don't think it would happen like that.  I like to think I would rise to the occasion and adapt, but in reality, would I?  The manager before the current one didn't do a great job, and when she wanted to come back after she had a couple of kids, she wasn't wanted in any capacity.

I've just gotta chill the eff out.  Who knows if any of this will even happen?  I think about things way too much, but even when I manage not to for awhile, my stomach remembers.  Grrr....

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

Off

All week I've been kinda off.  Not my usual self.  I've been hurting a lot since the EndoMarch and I'm wondering if that's contributing to it.  About halfway through the Call to Action ceremony my left ovary and sciatic nerve started throbbing and didn't stop for... well, tomorrow will be a week, and it's still on and off.  I'm guessing it was from all the extra walking and spending four to five hours in frigid weather.  They've both been hurting a little every day for the past few months, but it's just ridiculous now!  And terribly aggravating.  The trip back from DC was torturous.

I went back to work Monday and found several changes had taken place last week.  Shit always seems to go down whenever I go on vacation, and I just don't get why.  It's always fun to try to guess what I'll be walking back into.  This time it could lead to some really serious changes which could affect my future there.  I think that's adding to the stress.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I got into a... I don't even know what to call it.  It wasn't a fight, wasn't really a misunderstanding.  He called me out on a sore subject, and the way he did it really hurt my feelings.  It all made me wonder about our future, and I hate that.  I hate that I can't let myself fully let go in a relationship now and have that feeling that no matter what is said or done, that we'll get through it.  Maybe that's always going to be how it is for me now.  Maybe doing so back then was just me being naive.  Either way, I miss that feeling.  He and I are fine now, but I'm always off for a bit after incidents like that.

All of these plus some other small things from my trip last week, I think, are contributing to my unease lately.  I've got that nervous, queasy feeling all the time and I don't know how to shake it.  I've always had a nervous stomach and I hate when stress and apprehension manifest themselves in that way.  I could use another vacation just to chill the eff out.

Day One in Washington

This is the tale of the inevitable embarrassment of a Southern girl all alone in the big city.

We start with parking.  The drive there was effortless, but once I actually got within a couple of blocks of my hotel, it got bad.  It was later afternoon, and there was a lot of traffic.  My hotel had a little area of free parking for guests to unload and check in that I had been planning on taking advantage of, seeing as the parking garage for the hotel was four blocks away.  I ended up circling the damn block at least four times, each time taking at least five minutes as I battled horrendous traffic and pedestrians.  The freakin thing was fully parked or double parked every time!  Couldn't find any decent street parking either, and the last lap around I started cursing and pulled into the parking garage right next to the hotel.  Which had a valet.  Which I'd never had the pleasure of experiencing before... I'm usually a self-serve parker and proud of it.  He asked how long I would be there and asked, "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, right?"  Yes, yes I'm aware of that, but I don't care anymore.

So I hiked up to the street with my heavy ass suitcase and encountered some guy in a suit who was pacing back and forth in front of the entrance to the garage.  Seeing my suitcase he asked if I was staying at the hotel next door.  Yes, yes I am.  "You know this isn't the garage for your hotel, don't you?"  Yes, yes I do.  "Go get your car and I'll watch it for you" as he pointed to a spot on the road.  I looked at him kind of dumbfounded.  "Leave your suitcase here and tell him you want your car back," he pretty much ordered me.  I said with obvious skepticism in my voice, "So you're gonna watch my suitcase and my car while I check in?" not sure whether to trust him or not.  "Yes, yes!  Go get your car!"  We literally said the same things to each other and talked in that whole circle again before I eventually and reluctantly left my suitcase with him and attempted to do as he instructed.  I could see him the whole time, so I felt a tiny bit safer about it, but not much.

"No, it's been three minutes, you'll have to pay," the valet guy said, then continued, "You want me to get it?"  No, that's quite alright.  Back up the hill I went to the other guy who said, "I told you!  I was just trying to save you some money!  That's a few gallons of gas!"  Yeah, I know buddy.  Thanks for watching my bag.  So, I went to check into the hotel, and seeing from my reservation that I needed to pay for their garage, the guy inquired as to where I was parked.  I sighed and told him, to which he responded, "You know that parking garage isn't ours, right?"  Yes, yes I do.  I finally got my room key and carried my bag up to the eighth floor, tossed it on the bed and headed back down to move my car to the actual hotel parking garage.

Finally got that ordeal over with and walked around downtown DC for a while.  I noticed I looked a little out of place.  It was 60 degrees when I left NC, so I was in my flip flops and jeans with an informal top and jacket.  I thought it felt about the same there, but everyone else was all bundled up.  They were also in very professional attire with fancy suits and boots.  I got some weird looks.

When I was over the city, I mapped out the restaurant I wanted to try and headed towards it.  I was determined to get sushi!  Until I didn't.  They were closed.  I was hungry and didn't feel like waiting.  So I walked back to the hotel which had three restaurants and had my first experience dining alone.  It was strange.  I was surrounded by what looked like more professionals who had just gotten out of work and were gathered for happy hour.  Eh, whatever.

I ate kind of quickly and noticed my waiter outside on a smoke break.  No biggie.  When I actually finished, he appeared out of nowhere from behind me and took my plate.  I assumed he'd be right back with the check, but no.  He chatted it up with another waitress for a good few minutes, looking over at me several times.  I thought I'd caught his eye a few times, but he made no acknowledgement of it.  I stared him down, and he finally came over.  "You want another drink?"  No, no thanks.  I was finally able to pay and headed into the hotel.

I walked into the lobby and down the hall to the elevator, passing a school group of high school boys along the way.  As I passed the last two, I noticed one of them following me with his eyes.  I was all, yeah I still got it, walking a little taller and feeling a little bit better about myself.  Then his friend said, "Dude, she's like 40."

Awesome.

And so I sulked back to my room and actually got a chance to look at it.  I pulled back the curtains to a magnificent view...

Yeah....  Not quite what I was expecting.  The hotel is 100 years old and had some other interesting quirks.  This was the vent for the air...

Had never seen that before.  The heat source in the bedroom was an old radiator.  In the bathroom it was just a massive pipe that ran floor to ceiling and actually put out an impressive amount of heat.  

I opened the bottle of wine I brought and finished out my night with a couple of very satisfying glasses.  In a plastic hotel cup.  Classy.  Possibly under the influence of the wine, I did something I never do and took a mirror selfie...

This is still a mostly anonymous blog,
so please don't mind the blackout, haha ;)

I sent it to the boyfriend saying Cheers!

And so ended one of the most awkward days ever.