It's been building up...

I need to write right now.  I need to get out what I'm feeling and work through it.  I really want to call someone and talk about it, but I don't know who.  So I write to no one.

I'm tired.  Of a lot.  Of general things, of specific things.  It's just exhausting.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to turn.

I feel like part of it is my fault.  I feel like I'm bringing it all down on myself.  But am I?  It takes two.  It takes a cause and a reaction.  Am I the cause?  Have I always been the cause?  Why is the reaction always so hard to deal with?  Why can't the reaction, just for once, be love and understanding?

Am I asking for too much?  Why, when I ask for what I want, what I need, is it met with defensiveness?

Why is everything so hard lately?  Why does everything take so much effort?

Am I happy?  Is this really what I want?

Will I get any sleep tonight?

Flare-up #2

Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad.  With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences.  This time I don't know what brought it on.  The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house.  I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life.  That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk.  It was a different kind of pain; it was very central.  Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt.  But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.

I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so.  She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured.  Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up.  I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it.  My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought.  I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.

Nope.  He didn't seem concerned with any of it.  He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month.  I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two.  I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back.  He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."

I am so relieved!  Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!

Preparation

Four little weeks!  Just under one month until my excision surgery!!  I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen.  Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it.  I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital.  I know what the pre-op area and process will be like.  I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go.  I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like.  I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards.  It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too.  (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)

With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better.  There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory.  They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about.  It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find.  I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.

The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all.  I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time.  With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site.  Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again.  I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.

I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children.  Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally.  Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.

I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately.  I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front.  I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light.  Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).

I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery.  I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one.  To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person.  And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends.  To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.  

For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way.  Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.

Uphill... both ways... in the snow

Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.

Down:  Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work.  The business is going downhill quickly.  A two week notice was given.  My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up:  I may be manager soon!  That means more money!
Down:  I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job!  I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!

Down:  The dogs have been fighting lately.  Well, one dog.  The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all.  He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up:  Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down:  He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else.  It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half.  Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up:  Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.

Up:  My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend!  Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach.  Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others.  We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down:  It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up:  Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down:  It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have.  My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo.  (Phew... that was a long one.)  Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate.  Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up:  Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down:  ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up:  ...at least I'll feel pretty.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)

Down:  Started painting the house and hurt my back again.  Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up:  Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether!  Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down:  Have no money to pay for the gym.  Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.

Up:  Surgery is in six weeks!  Time is going by so quickly.
Down:  No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay.  I'm ready.

Okay, that pity party's over.  I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now.  My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily.  With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.

It's a Date!

I'm having another surgery!!  Never thought I would be so excited to announce that.  I spoke with the CEC this week about the costs and got a date all set up... September 18th!

Luckily the hospital there is considered in-network by my insurance.  Since the back surgery took care of my out of pocket responsibility for in-network, that part won't cost me a thing.  The CEC itself though is out of network, so I will owe them a hefty chunk of change upfront.

I hate to do it but I'm going to have to put it most of it on a credit card, but it'll be so much cheaper to do the surgery now than to wait to maybe save up and have to postpone until possibly next year.  Plus, this surgery will allow me to discover what's really going on with my insides and hopefully let me know the status of my fertility.   That knowledge and the fact that it may eradicate my pain possibly forever will make it worth it.

I looked into a popular medical credit card, but the reviews weren't that great.  I may set up a help fund me type of fundraiser, but I'm still not sure about that.

The boyfriend won't be able to go with me, so my wonderful mother said she would.  I love her so much!

I'm so nervous and excited!

Happy 5th of July!

I'm a day late, so, yeah...  The boyfriend and I had a great day yesterday!  We went to the palace and walked around the gardens.  We strolled downtown and grabbed a beer at one of our favorite restaurants.  Took a bunch of pics including some of us, which we don't really ever do, and it was so nice.

Me rocking my Endo Awareness shirt :)

It was an absolutely gorgeous day that a couple of days ago I was afraid might not happen.  We had Hurricane Arthur blow through Thursday night, and a lot of places rescheduled their holiday events.  I know farther east had it worse than us, but we've had stronger thunderstorms than that, and luckily no real damage from him.  I think we're in for stronger storms later this year though.

The rest of the week was busy.  The manager at work has still been on vacation, and I actually had to go in on my other day off when someone didn't show back up after their lunch break.  Fun.  Luckily no real crises though, knock on wood.  The big boss man is having a pool party this afternoon, which I really need to start getting ready for soon.

I had another physical therapy appointment this week which was quite entertaining.  It was early in the morning, and all the people who work there were cutting up.  It was pretty amusing.  I started doing some new exercises that kicked my ass and I've been sore ever since.

We're having a little cookout here at our house tomorrow for some of the family.  His mom, aunt and uncle will be here.  I invited my parents, but I don't think they'll come.  I didn't get my anti-social tendencies from a stranger.  But my step-dad's health is bad too, and I know he can't really leave the house for long.  We'll see.  Either way, I'm looking forward to it.  I'll be trying my hand for the first time (I think) at a NY style cheesecake.  Pretty stoked about that.

This week on...

My posts are turning into weekly updates.  I'm just too tired at the end of the day to write anything.  It's been a pretty good week though.

I guess my biggest news is that I got the call from Atlanta on Tuesday!  They had just gotten my records the Saturday before, and I was not expecting the call for at least a week.  The doctor was so nice and said I was the perfect candidate for laparoscopic excision.  I should be getting another call soon about the financial aspect of it all and to set up a date for surgery.  They're currently booked out about 8-10 weeks, so maybe late August/early September.  Eeeek!  I'm so excited to potentially not hurt from this anymore, or at least not to the same extent.  I've been selling stuff on Craigslist and eBay and doing my side online job to try to raise funds for this thing.  Thinking about setting up GoFundMe type account to see if anyone would be willing to help out a little.  Don't fully know how I feel about that yet.

I've been to two physical therapy appointments this week, both of which were quite awkward.  First of all, I'm the youngest patient there.  I think the average age of everyone else is around 75.  The place is mostly one big room that everyone "works out" in.  There's a good amount of slight pelvic thrusting exercises in my nice routine.  Friday I was moderately humping the table I was on, and for the entire duration Time Warp from Rocky Horror ran through my head.  It was pretty fantastic.  *sigh*

My manager at work is on vacation, and I've been in charge.  Got a call Thursday night at 10pm that the alarm had been tripped and they needed me there.  Just lovely.  Nothing missing or out of place luckily.  I'm hoping this week passes by quickly without any mishaps.  Usually when the manager is away there's a leak, electrical issue or something weird like that.  Fingers crossed!

♪ No more drama in my life ♫

I don't know how people go through their lives with so much drama.  Drama that they appear to be creating for themselves.  Do they thrive on it?  Do they not know how to be without it?  I hear it from pretty much everyone at work almost every single day, and just listening to them exhausts me.  I can't and don't even want to imagine what they feel.  Some of it really isn't their fault... whether it be from bad luck or ending up with in-laws from hell.  But some of it really is of their own doing.  Why do they continue to do it to themselves?  I'm the go to person when they need to vent and I'm to a point where I don't know what to say to them anymore.

No real drama in my life, just jumbled nerves.  I got my packet of paperwork and medical records mailed off to the CEC yesterday.  So sometime in the next few weeks I should be getting a call from one of the doctors there.  Wow.  I really hope I can afford to do the surgery if they think it could help.  If not, I guess we'll jump right into TTC, so in theory I'll be happy either way.  Well, once that ring shows up on my finger we will, haha.

I had my six week post surgery check up the other day and I'm doing well.  Still feeling some pain, but he said I will for awhile.  I start physical therapy next week to teach me how to move correctly and exercise without re-damaging my back.  I kinda am and am not looking forward to it at the same time.

When my back is better, the boyfriend and I want to repaint the old roommate's bedroom and bathroom and fix up the rest of the house.  Wenesday we drove through the neighborhood we'd like to live in seeing where the houses in our price range are.  I'm so excited for that.

Hello!

Again it seems like so much has happened so quickly.  We went ring setting shopping this week and found the perfect one.  Unfortunately it's $2500 in the store which totally defeats the purpose of using my grandmother's stone.  But I found one pretty much just like it online for about $400.  I'm not expecting it to be exactly the same, but hopefully it's decent quality.

Is that not effin gorgeous?!  The boyfriend has said he does want a wedding, so I've been dreaming up all sorts of ideas and camping out on Pinterest.

I took the first step towards getting excision surgery for the endo.  I contacted the Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta and am currently filling out the 24 pages of paperwork, gathering my medical records and writing my narrative for them.  The surgeon will actually call after sending all the info in for a free phone consultation.  How awesome is that?  So I may be potentially having surgery again later this year.  I pretty much just decided it was time to do this a few days ago.  I'm super excited to get the ball rolling, but... eek!

I've been back at work for a week and a half now.  I've been taking it very easy but am still exhausted and sore at the end of the day.  Everyone has been great about looking out for me and handling the animals and all the food.  I could get used to this.

I also made a freakin fantastic chocolate creme pie last weekend.  My first attempt at one from scratch, and it turned out deliciously.   That's definitely worth mentioning too, haha.  

Happy weekend!