Acceptance

I beginning to see once again how things usually work out for the best. I think I'm finally actually accepting and truly believing that this TTC break is the right choice. I went through my own little version of the stages of grief, and I'm happy to say that I think I'm finally done with grieving and am accepting our decision. After we sat down and made that decision, the whole rest of the day I was in complete denial about it. I knew we had to wait, but I didn't truly believe that we would. The next few weeks brought depression, anger and guilt all mixed together. This whole year I've been focusing on making my lifelong dream a reality, and I was destroyed that it had to be put on hold and angry that it had come to this. I felt guilty that I haven't been working for so long and haven't been able to contribute anything to the household (other than lots of cleaning) or our financial situation. I felt even more lost inside. After months of primarily thinking about cycle charting, optimizing fertile times, lines on sticks, researching symptoms, etc., I didn't know how to think of anything else.

The past few days though I've started daydreaming about what I want and where I want us to be when we have a child. I want the husband to be further into his career and feeling more comfortable in it. Where he is now is more of a stepping-stone to where he wants to be. This chef has the name recognition that will help in the future and is giving him an opportunity to gain valuable experience and to figure out the direction he wants to go. I want me to be feeling more confident in myself and my abilities. I'm tired of feeling worthless and unable. I need to find something that will help me rebuild my self-esteem and feel worthy of what I want.

When I think of the future I picture the husband and me sitting on the floor in a living room playing with our children when they're young. I see days in the park or at the beach, full of laughter and play. I see our son riding the dog and our little girl with lipstick all over her face. I see us as grandparents with everyone coming home and gathering together for the holidays, telling stories and reminiscing.

I want us to be able to have that. This next year is a necessary step to making that possible, and I can now accept that.