Bitter

So that feeling in my last post that I was forgetting something... I remember now. My "sister" who had my "niece" (who I figured out I got this cold from whilst babysitting her last week) is pregnant again. They'd been trying for a few months and found out last week. Of course I'm incredibly happy for them, but you also know what else I'm feeling. The ugly green monster has returned once more. It was just starting to retreat after her sister, my best friend, had her baby.

So that means more baby showers and witnessing her belly grow over dinner every week. I love her and wish her nothing but the best, but it's hard.

I was talking to a relatively new coworker today who knows a little of my story. She gave me the "It happens for a reason and you'll find out in time" line. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. I instead sputtered out that that doesn't bring any comfort right now. I continued with something about me just being sensitive about baby stuff. She's young, full of life and hope and is a newlywed with no reason not to spout anything other than positive thinking. I used to be like that.

I really think I am starting to get bitter about it all. I've said it a million times, but I feel so stuck. I don't know if it was me or my ex or both of us that caused us to not get pregnant. I don't have the money for surgery to find out the status of my insides. If I were able to get pregnant on my own, I don't have the money to support a baby alone and would never bring one into the world with those circumstances. So there are absolutely no positive steps I can take right now. I feel lucky to have found a birth control that really helps with the daily pain, so all I can do is keep taking it. That's it. I'm stalled.

I put a little vague thing on FB about my positivity fading and bitterness creeping in. One of my best friends who is always spouting positivity and love and who is going to school for and pursuing a career in positive psychology left a comment about (what else) but fighting to stay positive. So far two people have liked her comment, and for some reason, that's pissing me off. I absolutely love her for her good intentions but I really just want someone to say they understand and can commiserate. Obviously FB isn't the place for that.

Maybe I need to look into an endo support group because no one in real life seems to get it. I try to stay positive 95% of the time... it doesn't seem like it here in this space, but in real life I do. But I can't keep that up all the time. It's exhausting. Sometimes I need to break down. Hell, I just need to be able to express my frustration sometimes and have someone say that it's okay.

Without them telling me to appreciate the little things. Without them telling me it could always be worse. I get that. I do all that. I just want to wallow for a few minutes. It that okay?