Jumbled Nerves

My stomach has been in knots for days now.  Tomorrow I close on my house and Saturday I move.  My head and heart are battling it out again, one trying to convince me not to let go of the boyfriend, and the other trying to remind me how hard a lot of this past year has been.  I keep thinking that if I were to try harder things could be better.  I keep wondering if I'm making a big mistake and if he really could be the one for me.  I know I haven't been completely happy with him, but will I be able to find anyone to make me the kind of happy I want to be?  Is he as close as I'll ever get?

Fuck.  I don't even know if he wants kids anymore.  I don't know if he'd be happy staying in this area.  I don't even know if he's really happy in the relationship.  I just know I'm scared.  I'm absolutely terrified.  I hate this feeling.  

It's so weird how we've been acting like business as usual between us and will right up until I move out.  Not that I wanted us to go into the friend zone before I moved, cause that would have been even weirder.  It's just a weird situation all around.

I've just got to make it through these next few days.  I know there's going to be a ton of tears and I'm not even gonna try to hold them back.  They're going to happen. But then they'll clear (hopefully), and I'll be able to get some perspective and go from there.  

I hate feeling weak like this.  I hate being scared to be single again.  I can't even be as truly ecstatic about my house as I want to be because I'm so busy freaking out about leaving the boyfriend.  Why do I make things so hard for myself?  Why can't I just accept that we tried, it didn't work and now we're moving on?

Because I do love him.

Fuck.