Hurt

Elementary school crisis.  That's what I'm in.  It's childish and ridiculous.

But, it's not.

It was hurtful, even though it was done with supposedly good intentions.  Ready for this one?

One of my very best friends in the whole world, possibly the best one, the one who is my awesomest roommate, the one who is my person and the female who gets me... didn't invite me to her birthday party.

She is all about FB and set up an event page for her big 30 extravaganza and made the decision not to invite me.  She didn't even tell me about it.  I saw the event on my news feed right after she set it up.  I figured maybe it would only allow her to invite a few people at a time, and I was going to be on her second passing, or maybe she had just accidentally passed over my name.  About fifteen minutes or so later I kinda jokingly asked, "So I'm not invited to your birthday party, huh?"  She came downstairs and said with an uh-oh-I-may-have-screwed-up tone in her voice, "You can come if you want."

Knowing then it was no mistake I just kinda said, "Ok" and made a weird face.  She then went on to say it was because she didn't think I would come because it was occurring an hour away with no one that I would know.  Because she knows I don't like big crowds or situations like that.  Because she figured we'd have a smaller, lower key celebration another time.  Nice of her, right?

I'm one of her best friends and she should have invited me whether she thought I would come or not.  I would never do something like that to her.

Plain and simple.

We ended up talking for a bit and she did apologize.  I was kinda worked up with hurt emotions and went and embarrassed the hell out of myself saying how jealous I am of her and her life with all her new friends.  Why the fuck did I find that necessary?

(Side story:  She and her boyfriend just decided last night to take a break [although she's pretty sure they're going to be totally broken up] because they are so different now.  The past few days she's said how he's set in his routine and doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything new and that's so not her.  She's also said how she stopped inviting him to do things because he always says no... sound familiar?)

I went and said that I'm scared she and I have nothing in common anymore and how every time she's described her boyfriend she's also been describing me.  How I knew that I hadn't been as interesting or as much fun to be around lately.  As it all came out it sounded like I was comparing our relationship to her and her boyfriend's, and I just felt idiotic.

I felt the same jealousy that I did when the husband went out and got new friends and didn't want to invite me along anymore.  Maybe I was channeling back to how much that hurt, I don't know.  But I felt stupid.

Anyways, I ended up apologizing for acting so stupid and said how embarrassed I was at all I had just said.  She went on to say how it was always me that she knew she had always been able to count on, even more so than her boyfriend.  When she needed to talk or just be around someone who let her be when they knew she didn't want to talk, she had always come to me.  Trying to reassure me or something, I don't know.

After our weird chat, we resumed our previous plans of watching a movie and ate some dinner afterward.  Now she's out for a drive looking for the super moon somewhere in our cloudy, post-storm sky.  It's kinda weird between us now.  It really has been since she moved in, but I figured it was just me in my depressive state not being as enthusiastic as I used to be with talking to her and going out and stuff.

I hate that that's people's perception of me and that they think I should be sheltered like that.  I hated it when I was a 20-something virgin and friends tried to shelter me from all the sex talk and would quiet down when I walked into the room.  Maybe I was channeling the hurt from that too.

I hate being me sometimes.  I really can't take it anymore.