Tick Tock

I think I have a girl crush on this chick right here.  She's a strong lady battling endo whose blog I ran across a couple of years ago while immersing myself (well, more like reading and observing) in the online TTC community.  Earlier this year I fell behind in my blog reading and have been catching up on hers lately, although I'm only up to August right now.

Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be.  While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her.  She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.

There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way.  And so does that damn ticking clock!  I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing.  I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.

The fear I'm currently working on.  I'm getting out and doing more things.  I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better.  But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.

Hence the snooze button.

30 Days

I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.

I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?

It certainly can't hurt to try.

I'm a Killer

I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.

A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.

Because I didn't want him to leave me.

The Pre Breakup

... or The Breakup Plan. I don't know if either of those are right, but I don't know what else to call it.

We went out to dinner last night and ended up in the beginning of our end. It started over drinks with him trying again to convince me to want to move away, which I know I won't. The main course arrived as we were acknowledging that we aren't going to be together in the long run for that reason and many others. The meal ended with us deciding to enjoy the time we have left together but realizing that a better offer (job, location, person) could come along at any time. Otherwise I guess we'll wait until our lease ends.

At the end of the night I felt okay but this morning I find myself sad. It's like we're closer now that we've been totally honest about everything, even though it was so difficult. It was a mutual decision that had been coming for awhile... from both sides apparently, which I learned last night.

Why do I feel so crappy?

Updates and Such

I decided to get out of town this past weekend.  Went to visit a friend in Raleigh, and we had a good time.  Got some exercise, drank some wine.  It was much needed.  I got home Sunday afternoon, and the boyfriend and I had a really good evening together.  Monday was pretty awesome too

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago!  I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares.  But I really like it!  I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great.  I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight.  I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there.  I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it.  Excited to go again tonight.  More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.

Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast".  I miss her!  I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow.  This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place.  Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car.  Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now.  The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him.  I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.

I think that's all my updates for now.

Loopy

I was thrown for a loop today. A newly preggo (with her second) friend came by work today and didn't seem too happy about her condition. Surprised the hell out of me because she'd always wanted a big family and had a really hard time trying to get pregnant the first time. She knew I'd had trouble when I was trying too. If I was pregnant with my second and talking to someone who desperately wants one, I wouldn't be complaining.

My inner clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I feel old. I feel like I need to get started again on trying to have children. That's not gonna happen for quite awhile though.

Good Things

Lately my blog has just become a place to vent.  All I do really is list the problems I have.  There really are a lot of positive things too, especially with him.  He works hard and is a good guy.  He keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes.  He's the biggest nerd, and I love it.  He's very tech savvy and also a fantastic handyman.  I think he can fix just about anything.  Never really wanting furry pets, he's made a huge effort with mine and his patience with them is growing.  Things between us now are very good.  We're still learning about each other and we're meshing well.

Work is good, and my boss is working on getting me a raise.  My pets are healthy, although spastic still.  I hang out with friends on a regular basis and am working on connecting with some ones I haven't seen in awhile.  I'm going to be an auntie again in a few months and I get to see my best friend, the mom-to-be, soon.  I think it's going to be a boy, but I dreamed last night that it's a girl.  I guess we'll see next weekend at the "gender reveal party".

Overall, life is really good.  I do tend to get down about a lot, but it's good to stop and realize just how much I do have going for me.

No rocking chairs, I guess.

The boyfriend's bearded dragon died yesterday.  He'd gotten him as a baby and had him for thirteen years.  Understandably, he was upset, but he seemed more upset by the fact that it bothered him so much.  Such a proud man.  He said that he gets in rare form when he's upset, and he did say something that's kind of been bothering me.

He mentioned how his step-father probably doesn't have much longer to live and that his mother probably wouldn't be too upset when he passed.  That absolutely shocked me.  He said they'd been sleeping in different rooms for years.  After talking more, he said that's how he viewed lives of older couples... that eventually they just get sick and tired of each other.  So I asked him, "You don't think that love can last forever?"  He said he did, but didn't really have much to say passed that.  I didn't want to come out and say, "So you think that's how we'd end up?" being only four months into our relationship and all, but he could tell that I was off after that.

I'm still off.

IUD as Cancer Treatment

I read on FB that a friend of mine from back in the early elementary days was doing just that.  She was diagnosed with PCOS then underwent a D&C.  I guess they sent that off for testing and found out she had early stage uterine cancer.  Her doctor then decided that giving her an IUD would help to treat it.  That absolutely floored me.  It seems crazy that a birth control device could treat cancer.  Then I looked into it and read that some studies have found the progesterone in it to be effective treatment in some cases.  Crazy!  Unfortunately it didn't work for my friend.  She now has stage two, and last I heard she may be having a hysterectomy.  Breaks my heart.  She's my age and I know she wants to have children.

Speaking of children and Facebook (kinda)... I deactivated my account yesterday.  Night before last I found this website that currently for Google Chrome users can scan your news feed for certain key words and replace pictures of babies with cats or other things.  I thought it was hilarious and something that I would use if it became available for my web browser.  I posted a link to in on FB, and probably my best friend in town here (a mother though) had to make a snarky remark.  It kinda hurt my feelings.  She more than anyone else should understand why I wouldn't want to see pictures of other peoples' babies all over my news feed.  

Anyways, it got me thinking.  All I've seen on FB lately is worthless stuff.  People haven't been posting about their lives (well, other than their babies), and I really haven't been getting much out of it lately other than stress from all the drama.  So I got rid of it.  I'm hoping permanently.  They make it so easy to go back though, so if I go into withdrawals or something I can find comfort in the fact that my page and friends are still there exactly the way I left them.

So far so good though.