You knew this one was coming...

It still absolutely astounds me how a little human grows inside a woman's body. How a man and woman come together and the two of them create a life form. That little life grows into an actual person and emerges as a little him and her. My mind gets completely blown every time I think about it. Biologically, that's what a woman's body is meant for. What she's built to do.

It scares the absolute mess out of me when I think about the future in terms of having a little one and not knowing the status of my insides... Can my body physically do what it was originally built for before the endo attacked? Will I be able to grow a little me and my fella and watch my belly grow? Will I get to develop that bond that only a mother can have with her child? Experience that type of love? Will I be able to find someone to have a child with in time? If not I have no qualms whatsoever doing it alone, but will I ever be able to financially? Will I get to fulfill the only real dream I've ever had for my life?

It's bittersweet to see pictures of my best friend and her new babe. I love her and am so ridiculously happy for them, but as bad as it sounds, I'm so crazy jealous too. They have the life I've always wanted and won't get a shot at having for a long time. Looking at the pics and reading all the comments of congrats and well wishes for their new life, it's all I can do not to tear up. I'm constantly getting texted pics and updates. Don't get me wrong, I love to see the little man and am so happy they're both well! I just feel an achy little twinge in my chest with every single one.

The other night when she was in labor, I was telling the boyfriend how I wished I could be there for the birth. He then questioned how I could be so happy for this, but how the baby shower made me so sad. I tried to explain how I felt... how this is a new life coming into the world through my best friend. That's an amazing thing! It's different from a shower where you're surrounded by all the baby stuff and such. All the tangible baby things and the time period of such concentrated baby focus gets me wondering if I'll ever get all that stuff for a baby of my own. Which makes me sad and teary. In public. I don't know if I explained it very well and I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me, but yeah.

He did the whole "Oh you shouldn't worry, it'll happen for you" to which I said "You don't know that. No one knows that. And that not knowing is what drives me crazy." *sigh* I don't know why it bothers me so much when someone says that. I guess it shouldn't because you never know. I may have absolutely no trouble at all getting pregnant the next time I try. Please let that be the case.

So those are all my jumbled feelings on all of that right now.