♪ To be young and dumb and in love ♫

The past few days I've found myself looking at dating websites.  Not actually looking for someone to really date right now, just perusing to see what's out there I guess.  Testing my own waters (that sounds dirty) to see if I'm feelin it (getting back into dating) or not.  Sometimes I'm like YEAH!, let's do this.  That's usually my horny side talking.  Other times I'm like, nah, I'm probably not ready yet.  Then I think about the last time I tried the online dating thing.  It really sucked.  I went out with four guys, I believe.  Four first dates that were bad and never turned into any second ones.  It take that back... two that sucked, two that were kinda nice, but the guy never called again.  Yeah, I'm starting to dread it again.

(I've pretty much given up hope of ever actually meeting a guy out in the real world and getting asked out, FYI.)

Part of it is definitely my fault.  I'm not a good conversationalist with people I've just met, so I'm probably the common denominator on the bad first dates.  And it sucks to know that.  It's probably just gotten worse in the past couple of years too.  I'm not that interesting.  I don't have any funny stories to tell.  I don't really do anything for fun.  What a catch I am.

I miss my life with my husband.  I miss how simple it was in the beginning.  We got along, had a good time without trying.  We just got it.  I miss that feeling of just absolutely knowing it's right and that it'll all work out because all we really need is each other.  I miss that naivete.  I wonder if I'll ever find that with someone again.

I hate this.  I hate that I'm happiest when I'm in a loving relationship.  Well, not really, but I do hate that I can't find some other happiness when I'm not in a loving relationship.  I wish I were outgoing and liked to meet new people and do things.  I wish I wanted to pursue interests for the sake of learning how to do something.  I wish I had more to offer.  I wish I weren't too scared to do something about it.  I wish I weren't so sad all the time.