I've been questioning myself and my life a lot lately. I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I've been beginning to wonder if I even really want kids anymore. It's got to be just a phase. Me, who's only dream since being a teenager was to fall in love and have a family, is questioning the thought of even having children now. I keep thinking how terrible of a mother I would be. I feel like I'm a mess and would not be capable of helping a little person become a happy, successful member of society. I'm a socially anxious hermit (lately) who can't even manage to raise normal dogs. How badly could I fuck up a kid?!
I haven't really wanted anything to do with kids lately. When my best friend had her baby (who I haven't even met yet and am honestly not too excited about meeting [oh that's so terrible!!] ) about six weeks ago, it's like something switched in my brain. I thought it was just the normal jealousy and sadness, but it's stuck around longer than I thought. I hate seeing pictures of anyone's kids posted online. Being around any kid gets me annoyed. But I still babysit my "niece" and hang out with her and her mom every week, and that doesn't seem to bother me, so I don't know. That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.
Because if I really don't want kids, then what the fuck do I do with my life? I still don't care about a career. I do still want to find love. Real, true, I can be myself without fear of him leaving love. Maybe once I find that, my motherhood desire will kick back in. Deep down, I think I really want it to. That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.
I think I just feel stuck and stagnant right now, and that's contributing to my insecurities getting the best of me.
That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The Big 3-0
So I'm 30 now. It happened yesterday. No biggie. The days leading up to it had me in a state of minor excitement like I always am around my birthday. I like to feel special for that one day of the year. Yesterday morning I still felt it, then it kinda disappeared in the afternoon. I guess you can only feel special to a certain point when you're at work all day, haha. But it was a very nice day. Work was easy, the weather was beautiful (sunny and in the 60s!) and I had friends over in the evening to celebrate with me. Got some flowers at work from my parents and even a surprise gift from the ex-husband waiting for me at home during my lunch break.
I flirted all day with a friend through FB. Back in our early 20s we made a "pact" that if neither of us was married at 30 we'd marry each other. I got a FutureMe letter yesterday from 6 years ago reminding me of that. He's the one who suggested it and didn't even remember. It was fun to pass the day talking to him. After reading that my 24-year-old self hoped I was married and had children by now, she also said something that has stuck with me more:
"If nothing else, I hope you're happy. That's all I've ever really hoped for. Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life. There's no time like right now, dang it! So take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small."
Even back then, that was all I wanted. And I'm totally doing that very thing today! I'm going to look that house for sale from a few posts back in a couple of hours. So very excited!
I flirted all day with a friend through FB. Back in our early 20s we made a "pact" that if neither of us was married at 30 we'd marry each other. I got a FutureMe letter yesterday from 6 years ago reminding me of that. He's the one who suggested it and didn't even remember. It was fun to pass the day talking to him. After reading that my 24-year-old self hoped I was married and had children by now, she also said something that has stuck with me more:
"If nothing else, I hope you're happy. That's all I've ever really hoped for. Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life. There's no time like right now, dang it! So take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small."
Even back then, that was all I wanted. And I'm totally doing that very thing today! I'm going to look that house for sale from a few posts back in a couple of hours. So very excited!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Sending Thanks to a Stranger
I remembered someone earlier this week and have been thinking about this person ever since. The morning after my ex first told me he wanted to take a break I headed back to NC. I dropped him off at work first and gave him what I wondered if would be our last kiss (turns out it was). Before leaving town I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank, get some snacks and a pack of cigarettes for the road. It was pretty early in the morning and I was the only customer there.
I was fighting back the tears and trying my damnedest not to cry until I got back to the car. I was doing well until the attendant started making polite conversation. He made the comment that I didn't look the type to smoke, to which I replied with a slight forced smile that I didn't usually smoke much. Those words came out halfway decently. Then he said some more things, and as I replied a quick "Thanks, you too" to his "Have a nice day" my words got all garbled and the tears welled. Very embarrassed, I hurried out of the store and back to my car. I had to rearrange a few things and a minute or so later I got in the driver's seat. Right about then the attendant guy walked out of the store and right up to my door.
I rolled down the window, and he asked if I was alright. I insisted I was, but he kept pressing. He said he felt like he'd made me cry and felt awful. We were just having a conversation, and then I was all upset. He asked if there was anything he could help with and at some point even asked if it had to do with my husband. I lied and said I had some family things back home to attend to. He was then worried about how I'd be driving ten hours all upset like that. I told him I was used to the trip and would be fine.
He asked for my name then said something like "I will never forget that name and will always remember you. Will you please stop by when you come back to let me know you're okay?" I said I would. I think he told me his name was Joseph, but I'm not completely sure about that.
I did end up stopping back by when I actually left that town for the final time, but he wasn't there. I didn't want to ask "Hey, is there a Joseph that works here? Will you please tell him I'm okay?" That would have been weird. Plus, I remember him wearing a wedding band and I didn't want to potentially cause any problems or suspicion of such.
So, Joseph, if you're out there... I want to thank you for your kindness and concern for a stranger. I was in a rough spot, and you showed me compassion when I really needed it. I'm doing okay now.
I was fighting back the tears and trying my damnedest not to cry until I got back to the car. I was doing well until the attendant started making polite conversation. He made the comment that I didn't look the type to smoke, to which I replied with a slight forced smile that I didn't usually smoke much. Those words came out halfway decently. Then he said some more things, and as I replied a quick "Thanks, you too" to his "Have a nice day" my words got all garbled and the tears welled. Very embarrassed, I hurried out of the store and back to my car. I had to rearrange a few things and a minute or so later I got in the driver's seat. Right about then the attendant guy walked out of the store and right up to my door.
I rolled down the window, and he asked if I was alright. I insisted I was, but he kept pressing. He said he felt like he'd made me cry and felt awful. We were just having a conversation, and then I was all upset. He asked if there was anything he could help with and at some point even asked if it had to do with my husband. I lied and said I had some family things back home to attend to. He was then worried about how I'd be driving ten hours all upset like that. I told him I was used to the trip and would be fine.
He asked for my name then said something like "I will never forget that name and will always remember you. Will you please stop by when you come back to let me know you're okay?" I said I would. I think he told me his name was Joseph, but I'm not completely sure about that.
I did end up stopping back by when I actually left that town for the final time, but he wasn't there. I didn't want to ask "Hey, is there a Joseph that works here? Will you please tell him I'm okay?" That would have been weird. Plus, I remember him wearing a wedding band and I didn't want to potentially cause any problems or suspicion of such.
So, Joseph, if you're out there... I want to thank you for your kindness and concern for a stranger. I was in a rough spot, and you showed me compassion when I really needed it. I'm doing okay now.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Unsolicited Advice
"You're an older woman and no man is going to put up with your sensitivity. You're a sweet girl and I'd hate to see you scare someone away, so you need to control it better. Did that piss you off? Good, it was supposed to."
That's what my boyfriend said to me the other night. If you're a regular reader here, you've probably been wanting to tell me the same thing for a while. This is my place to come and vent and work through all my feelings, and I know I sound like a basket case sometimes. In real life I'm not as emotional as all that. Yes, I have my sensitive moments, but it's definitely not all the time. Most days I'm just fine.
I didn't used to be though. I did have some depression and emotional issues a few years ago, and the fallout from those is most likely the biggest part of why my husband left me (which makes what the boyfriend said sting that much more). I like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. When I do get sensitive I usually recognize and acknowledge it, give him a heads up and apologize if I say something I shouldn't.
So... first thing... really, guy? I did not ask for his opinion and did not appreciate him pretty much reaffirming something I'm paranoid about anyway. He couldn't have known I think about that on the reg, but still. I do the best I can every day, and if that's just not good enough? Well, it's a good thing we're going our separate ways in a few months.
Second... who the hell tells a woman who will be turning thirty in a couple of weeks and is not too happy about it that she is an OLDER WOMAN?! That's not me being sensitive (ok, maybe a little), that's him being a jerk.
Why do I let the words from a self-proclaimed asshole bother me so much? Is it because as much of an asshole that he can be, he's giving it to me from a guy's perspective? He said I could lay on him what I thought of some of his faults. I wanted to say he's a chauvinistic, racist jerk, but instead I told him I'm not that kind of person and that it would serve no purpose.
It is possible I may have been a little more sensitive than usual these past few weeks. I've been having some weird health things going on and my cycle has been weird. I thought for a bit that I might actually be pregnant. This is probably the only time I've hoped to not see that second pink line. Four times it didn't appear, so four BFNs. That's definitely for the best right now.
If I've learned anything from all this it's that I cannot and will not let having or not having a man dictate how I live my life. I'm not going to alter my personality just to get a man. The right one will love me for me, quirks and all. Taking it a step further because it's been on my mind, I'm not going to let the fact that I may one day meet someone and want to move again deter me from buying a house now if I'm able. I won't keep renting until I find a guy to buy a house with because the day for that may never come.
I will do what's right for me. If a man should come along, our lives compliment each others' and we want to be together, that's great. If not, then so be it. I've got friends and family and that will be just fine.
That's what my boyfriend said to me the other night. If you're a regular reader here, you've probably been wanting to tell me the same thing for a while. This is my place to come and vent and work through all my feelings, and I know I sound like a basket case sometimes. In real life I'm not as emotional as all that. Yes, I have my sensitive moments, but it's definitely not all the time. Most days I'm just fine.
I didn't used to be though. I did have some depression and emotional issues a few years ago, and the fallout from those is most likely the biggest part of why my husband left me (which makes what the boyfriend said sting that much more). I like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. When I do get sensitive I usually recognize and acknowledge it, give him a heads up and apologize if I say something I shouldn't.
So... first thing... really, guy? I did not ask for his opinion and did not appreciate him pretty much reaffirming something I'm paranoid about anyway. He couldn't have known I think about that on the reg, but still. I do the best I can every day, and if that's just not good enough? Well, it's a good thing we're going our separate ways in a few months.
Second... who the hell tells a woman who will be turning thirty in a couple of weeks and is not too happy about it that she is an OLDER WOMAN?! That's not me being sensitive (ok, maybe a little), that's him being a jerk.
Why do I let the words from a self-proclaimed asshole bother me so much? Is it because as much of an asshole that he can be, he's giving it to me from a guy's perspective? He said I could lay on him what I thought of some of his faults. I wanted to say he's a chauvinistic, racist jerk, but instead I told him I'm not that kind of person and that it would serve no purpose.
It is possible I may have been a little more sensitive than usual these past few weeks. I've been having some weird health things going on and my cycle has been weird. I thought for a bit that I might actually be pregnant. This is probably the only time I've hoped to not see that second pink line. Four times it didn't appear, so four BFNs. That's definitely for the best right now.
If I've learned anything from all this it's that I cannot and will not let having or not having a man dictate how I live my life. I'm not going to alter my personality just to get a man. The right one will love me for me, quirks and all. Taking it a step further because it's been on my mind, I'm not going to let the fact that I may one day meet someone and want to move again deter me from buying a house now if I'm able. I won't keep renting until I find a guy to buy a house with because the day for that may never come.
I will do what's right for me. If a man should come along, our lives compliment each others' and we want to be together, that's great. If not, then so be it. I've got friends and family and that will be just fine.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
I want to buy a house.
This is the one I've been eying recently...
103 years old with hardwood floors, a claw foot tub and updated wiring and plumbing. Beautiful and in my price range because of a motivated seller. I hope it's still available in a few months. Realistically, it's probably not a good buy for me right now because of how old it really is and the maintenance costs it would have. But I'm not going to buy another house unless it's one that I know I'd want to stay in for a long time, and this is the kind of house I want... old and charming. I could buy a newer house, but I know I wouldn't be happy in it, and what's the point of that?
I'm so tired of renting. Knowing I'll be moving again this summer and previously planning on renting once more, I've been saving up for that security deposit, pet deposit and first month's rent, which absolutely disgusts me because I know two of those three I will never see again. I feel like I'm just throwing money away! Why not put it all towards the lovely house you see above? We'll see in June I suppose.
103 years old with hardwood floors, a claw foot tub and updated wiring and plumbing. Beautiful and in my price range because of a motivated seller. I hope it's still available in a few months. Realistically, it's probably not a good buy for me right now because of how old it really is and the maintenance costs it would have. But I'm not going to buy another house unless it's one that I know I'd want to stay in for a long time, and this is the kind of house I want... old and charming. I could buy a newer house, but I know I wouldn't be happy in it, and what's the point of that?
I'm so tired of renting. Knowing I'll be moving again this summer and previously planning on renting once more, I've been saving up for that security deposit, pet deposit and first month's rent, which absolutely disgusts me because I know two of those three I will never see again. I feel like I'm just throwing money away! Why not put it all towards the lovely house you see above? We'll see in June I suppose.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Not funny ha-ha...
I was thinking about what I said in my last post about not being sure why I get upset when people say "Don't worry, it'll happen for you." I figure it's gotta be a defense mechanism of some sort. Call it being realistic or preparing for the worst so I'm not as disappointed. So if it actually doesn't happen, I'm not in as much shock as I would be otherwise. Maybe?
I guess it's close to the same reason I started saying I was 30 not long after I turned 29... just to mentally prepare myself for it. Because honestly? I'm not looking forward to it. I wanted to be so much further along with my life. I wanted to be a young(er) mother with a house full of little ones by early thirties. Now it'll be early thirties before I even get to start trying.
Funny how the plans you have for your life never really work out the way you think they will.
I guess it's close to the same reason I started saying I was 30 not long after I turned 29... just to mentally prepare myself for it. Because honestly? I'm not looking forward to it. I wanted to be so much further along with my life. I wanted to be a young(er) mother with a house full of little ones by early thirties. Now it'll be early thirties before I even get to start trying.
Funny how the plans you have for your life never really work out the way you think they will.
Monday, January 14, 2013
You knew this one was coming...
It still absolutely astounds me how a little human grows inside a woman's body. How a man and woman come together and the two of them create a life form. That little life grows into an actual person and emerges as a little him and her. My mind gets completely blown every time I think about it. Biologically, that's what a woman's body is meant for. What she's built to do.
It scares the absolute mess out of me when I think about the future in terms of having a little one and not knowing the status of my insides... Can my body physically do what it was originally built for before the endo attacked? Will I be able to grow a little me and my fella and watch my belly grow? Will I get to develop that bond that only a mother can have with her child? Experience that type of love? Will I be able to find someone to have a child with in time? If not I have no qualms whatsoever doing it alone, but will I ever be able to financially? Will I get to fulfill the only real dream I've ever had for my life?
It's bittersweet to see pictures of my best friend and her new babe. I love her and am so ridiculously happy for them, but as bad as it sounds, I'm so crazy jealous too. They have the life I've always wanted and won't get a shot at having for a long time. Looking at the pics and reading all the comments of congrats and well wishes for their new life, it's all I can do not to tear up. I'm constantly getting texted pics and updates. Don't get me wrong, I love to see the little man and am so happy they're both well! I just feel an achy little twinge in my chest with every single one.
The other night when she was in labor, I was telling the boyfriend how I wished I could be there for the birth. He then questioned how I could be so happy for this, but how the baby shower made me so sad. I tried to explain how I felt... how this is a new life coming into the world through my best friend. That's an amazing thing! It's different from a shower where you're surrounded by all the baby stuff and such. All the tangible baby things and the time period of such concentrated baby focus gets me wondering if I'll ever get all that stuff for a baby of my own. Which makes me sad and teary. In public. I don't know if I explained it very well and I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me, but yeah.
He did the whole "Oh you shouldn't worry, it'll happen for you" to which I said "You don't know that. No one knows that. And that not knowing is what drives me crazy." *sigh* I don't know why it bothers me so much when someone says that. I guess it shouldn't because you never know. I may have absolutely no trouble at all getting pregnant the next time I try. Please let that be the case.
So those are all my jumbled feelings on all of that right now.
It scares the absolute mess out of me when I think about the future in terms of having a little one and not knowing the status of my insides... Can my body physically do what it was originally built for before the endo attacked? Will I be able to grow a little me and my fella and watch my belly grow? Will I get to develop that bond that only a mother can have with her child? Experience that type of love? Will I be able to find someone to have a child with in time? If not I have no qualms whatsoever doing it alone, but will I ever be able to financially? Will I get to fulfill the only real dream I've ever had for my life?
It's bittersweet to see pictures of my best friend and her new babe. I love her and am so ridiculously happy for them, but as bad as it sounds, I'm so crazy jealous too. They have the life I've always wanted and won't get a shot at having for a long time. Looking at the pics and reading all the comments of congrats and well wishes for their new life, it's all I can do not to tear up. I'm constantly getting texted pics and updates. Don't get me wrong, I love to see the little man and am so happy they're both well! I just feel an achy little twinge in my chest with every single one.
The other night when she was in labor, I was telling the boyfriend how I wished I could be there for the birth. He then questioned how I could be so happy for this, but how the baby shower made me so sad. I tried to explain how I felt... how this is a new life coming into the world through my best friend. That's an amazing thing! It's different from a shower where you're surrounded by all the baby stuff and such. All the tangible baby things and the time period of such concentrated baby focus gets me wondering if I'll ever get all that stuff for a baby of my own. Which makes me sad and teary. In public. I don't know if I explained it very well and I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me, but yeah.
He did the whole "Oh you shouldn't worry, it'll happen for you" to which I said "You don't know that. No one knows that. And that not knowing is what drives me crazy." *sigh* I don't know why it bothers me so much when someone says that. I guess it shouldn't because you never know. I may have absolutely no trouble at all getting pregnant the next time I try. Please let that be the case.
So those are all my jumbled feelings on all of that right now.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
I'm an auntie again!
My very best friend in the whole world just had her firstborn... a son! I got the call about ten minutes ago that he had just been born. I heard him cry and talked to my friend for a minute. She sounded exhausted but so very happy. I'm so excited for her and absolutely cannot wait to Skype with them and see his sweet face!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
So... umm...
Uh... yeah...
A month from today, I'm gonna be 30...
Still not sure how I feel about that...
A month from today, I'm gonna be 30...
Still not sure how I feel about that...
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