Gleaming Tree

Can you miss what you never had? I got a glimpse into how it could have been and I really, really wished it had. Such a strong bond that only the ones in it can possess. I was angry that I was denied of it and furious with the person responsible. I know it was perceived to be the right decision at the time, but letting so many years pass and not changing the situation at all…

Watching how they interacted together was heartbreaking. It was such a big part of what I’d wanted for so long, and then to witness it firsthand… it was almost more than I could take. I was, in fact, a part of it and unbeknownst to all but one, always had been. Being there, mingling, trying to remember names, I wanted so badly to go back in time and be a part of that situation many years earlier. Why did I wait so long to ask the truth? I know why… I was terrified of what the answer was and what fallout there may have been from the simple act of asking. I’ve always been too nervous to ask the big questions.

I was very lucky to be a part of what I originally was. I know that and I am very appreciative. There was always something missing though, as well as a few incidences that should never have happened. I knew from a very early age what it was that was missing and that it made me different. I did ask about the absence once when I was around seven years old, I guess. The reply was vague and didn’t allude to anything changing anytime soon. I didn’t ask again for 18 years. I remember making it my New Year’s resolution several times, but none of those years saw anything resolved. Then, fast approaching, was the life changing event that had always been my ultimate deadline.

For weeks I agonized over the words I would say and even if I would really, this time, keep the courage to go through with it. Going into it I didn’t know what to expect or even if I’d be given the time of day on the matter. Surprisingly the words flowed, although somewhat stammered and with a few nervous tears mixed in. I got my answer. An honest, truth revealing answer. The asking didn’t really disrupt much, but nothing of it, question nor answer, was spoken of much afterwards.

From there I sought out the one that had eluded me for so long. I searched based on the information I then had and found an address. A letter was written. It was somewhat formal, very honest, and contained contact information that wasn’t anticipated to be used. It went through its own hellish journey but eventually found its destination… not in a mailbox, but plastered to the side of a house, wet from rain and mud. A young boy was sent to retrieve it and he ultimately placed the letter in the hands of the one it was meant to find. A call was made. The number was unrecognized and the voice was one I never expected to hear. An arrangement was set for a time and place. All the what-ifs of the meeting lurked in my mind up until the day arrived. The greeting was a hug in the middle of a blazing hot parking lot. The restaurant was loud which made hearing the words filtered through a thick accent difficult. The meeting brought more knowledge and was followed with many more phone conversations. Starting out they were frequent and greatly anticipated, but as time passed they became spaced out and awkward.

Then an invitation to a yearly gathering came. I debated, but decided I couldn’t not go. The amount of people took me off guard and was a bit overwhelming, as I’ve never been much for large social situations. The closeness between absolutely all of them made me envious. It created the most gorgeous, gleaming tree I’ve ever seen. It extended from branch to branch and crossed over to completely different trees. I’ve always been a part of a different tree, but it had always felt more like a shrub. Knowing that I was a part of this one filled my heart and broke it at the same rate. I was part of it, but would never fully be.

A couple of more calls would be made, but they were brief and ended with promises of being continued soon, although they never were. The last one was a year and a half ago on Christmas Day. I guess we’re both to blame. I tried to reach out a few months ago, but nothing came from it. Now there are 500 more miles between us than before, both literally and emotionally, and I don’t know if they can be covered or not. Definitely not now, but maybe one day.

(June 4, 2010)