A Little One

Having children is the only thing I’ve ever been passionate about. I never got excited about a career and could never honestly answer “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with anything other than “A mother”. I would never say that out loud though. I used to say that I wanted to have a coffee shop, but even back then I knew it would never happen. Going all the way back to high school, I remember my greatest fear being that something terrible would happen preventing me from ever having children. I think it still is today. Now that we’re actually trying and have been failing so far, that fear has become more legitimate.

It amazed me how, when the husband realized his dream he was constantly reading everything he could get his hands on pertaining to it. It was all so fascinating to him. It made me realize that I’d never been that passionate about any subject. I’d never had the desire to constantly seek out information and continue learning about much of anything. Until now.

A coworker gave me about a dozen pregnancy books a few years ago, and I’d been saving them until we decided to start trying. Now I can’t put them down. I fly through any pregnancy or parenting book I get and am constantly looking for more. It absolutely fascinates me! I’m fully intrigued by everything I read and want to learn more all the time.

I’m eagerly anticipating morning sickness and getting huge. I’ve always thought the pregnant female body was so beautiful. The thought that my husband and I will (hopefully) soon be creating a human life together and it will be growing inside and nourished by my body, that it will start out the size of a pin head and grow into a little person, absolutely blows my mind.

I love how there are so many parenting “styles” and how pulling a little from each and making our own feels right. I love how there’s matter-of-factness and complete uncertainty in every aspect. I love the psychology involved with raising children all the way from toddlers to teenagers. I think Dr. Spock can see into my soul.

I feel for once that I’ve found that thing I’ve been looking for my whole life. I feel I have a purpose now and may actually be good at something. On the other hand though, I’m absolutely terrified that I will be the worst parent and permanently scar my offspring. I feel I have so many issues of my own that there’s no way I could successfully raise another human being.

If there is a greater power out there, be it God or Mother Earth, karma, destiny or plain old wishful thinking, please, just let me have the chance to put my fears aside and dedicate my life to something wonderful.

(June 6, 2010)