Preparation

Four little weeks!  Just under one month until my excision surgery!!  I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen.  Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it.  I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital.  I know what the pre-op area and process will be like.  I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go.  I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like.  I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards.  It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too.  (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)

With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better.  There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory.  They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about.  It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find.  I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.

The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all.  I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time.  With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site.  Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again.  I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.

I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children.  Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally.  Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.

I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately.  I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front.  I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light.  Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).

I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery.  I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one.  To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person.  And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends.  To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.  

For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way.  Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.