Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

Quick Rant

I get so frustrated with some of my friends who have kids.  When I call or text asking about how they (the friends themselves) are doing, all I get back are either just pictures of the children or "Well, he's been doing this," or "She's been up to that."

I want to scream, "That is not what I asked you!!  I want to know how and what YOU yourself are doing.  Tell me YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions!!"

I understand that their kids are an enormous part of their lives and make up a large part of what they do.  I don't at all mind hearing stories about the little ones, but I don't want to just talk about them.  And I don't want to be bombarded with pictures of them... one is enough.  

I can understand where they're coming from.  They're proud parents and want to brag about the newest things their babes have accomplished.  Although with one in particular I get the feeling her husband isn't too involved with the whole parenting process, so most of the responsibility falls to her... I wonder if at times she feels that's all she should or can talk about, which makes me sad. But that's a whole other post.

Anyways, they all know my story.  They know I sometimes have a hard time with things related to children.  I don't expect them to go out of their way or anything.  I just wish they could be a little more sensitive to the fact.  Or at least reach out to me every once in a while.  They are never the ones to try to keep the friendships going by reestablishing contact.  Grrr.

Okay, end rant.  I feel better now.

Asking for Good Thoughts for a Friend

I'm sad right now and scared.  Someone I've known a very long time is in medical danger.  She's a girl who lived down the street when I was growing up and someone I used to babysit.  We share the same birthday, but a few years apart, and always give each other a FB shout out on that day.  We've never really been close, but she was best friends with one of my "sisters" for a long time.  We've seen each other through the years at various social functions.  At the most recent encounter we shared a reception table after a wedding where we talked a little and got to know her husband.

She's been pregnant and wasn't due until January.  I learned this morning that she's had the baby, which weighs one pound, and she herself has had a massive stroke.  And that's all I know.

Her mom is asking for people who know her to send out good thoughts for her, and I guess this is one way for me to do that.  If you could spare a moment for one too, I would be very appreciative.

Pain Update

The Vicodin didn't work.  Like, at all.  So Wednesday morning I called the doctors office and requested something else.  That night right before they closed they called to say they could offer me a prescription for Percocet if I wanted it.  Yes, I'll try anything!  So the boyfriend raced me over to the office before it closed, and never have I had so much trouble walking.  A turtle probably could have passed me.  Anyways, I've been on it for two days now, and it does help a little more.  I'm still supplementing with ibuprofen, and together they take most of the edge off.  It still hurts to walk, especially if I'm a little late taking the meds, but for the most part it's a lot better.

One of my very best friends was in town yesterday with her son and stopped by for lunch and a nice visit.  We hung out for a few hours before they headed out.  It was so nice to see her.

I've been attempting a few work at home online jobs, and so far I've made a whopping three dollars... wooo!  Maybe once I get qualified for a bit more I'll have some better paying days.  My manager at my actual workplace talked to the big boss about me getting temporary disability, but he didn't say anything.  I was researching that all morning and didn't find much.  I'm thinking it's probably not gonna happen.

That's about all my excitement.  It's been nice to have the opportunity to stay home and rest, but I'm getting a little cabin fever now.  When the meds are doing their job, I could potentially attempt to drive somewhere, but it's really not worth it.  I can't do much walking wherever I'd decide to go.

I feel pretty worthless.

Snowy Birthday

Today is my birthday, and I am feeling so full of hope.  Maybe because I always enjoy my birthday.  A lot of days I don't feel so hopeful or useful or successful, but on my birthday, for at least one day of the year, I let myself feel special.

I'm 31 today, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It's a beautiful snow day.  We got about ten inches yesterday, which is pretty unheard of in this part of the state.  There's supposed to be a wintry mix of precipitation for a good part of today that will switch to just rain later.  So hopefully the roads will be okay later for me to travel on to see my wonderful boyfriend.  I really want some birthday nookie, hehe.

I'm very thankful for him, not just for the nookie.  He's got a unique personality which has taken me awhile to get truly familiar with, but I love him dearly for it.  It's taken him awhile to navigate my personality too, but now that we know each other so well, we click amazingly. 

I've already received so many well birthday wishes from friends and family, and it warms my heart to think that so many people care about me.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

I've got this crazy guy...

I joked he was warning me not to cut his nails, but he was really just yawning.  He and my wild pups round out my life and make it so fun.

On this cold day, I have a warm house and food to eat.  These are just a few, and I have so many more things to be thankful for.

Including pancakes.

Which I'm going to make right now.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

Space Filler

Today's been good!  Got to sleep in and relax this morning.  The roommate had a fella visiting from across the country the past few days.  He and I visited her at work today (she's a server and at very nice restaurant, and he treated me to lunch!) and then I took him to the airport so he could reluctantly fly home.  He's quite smitten with my roommate.  After that I was supposed to go shopping with a friend to help her pick out jewelry that compliments her gorgeous dress for the Marine Corps ball, but she was sick, so I went back home and took a nap.  What a bum I am.

Now I'm about to drag out my luggage for my trip Friday.  Visiting a "sister" and her hubs in Raleigh that night, then to Charlotte for a concert and visiting another "sister" and her hubs and baby over the weekend.  Back to Raleigh for Monday night, then home Tuesday for relaxing the rest of my week of vacation!

My local "sister" is due to have her baby any time now, and I'm hoping the little one will wait until I'm back home.  You know, because that fits my schedule better.  I told her if she goes into labor Saturday, I will probably have been drinking and will have to wait a few hours before I can head back.  I'd really hate to miss that concert (I've been wanting to see this guy for years!), but I would for her.  If the baby waits until after I go back to work, that could be tricky too.  I'll be on call for jury duty about an hour away for two weeks starting the week after vaca.  Fun.  So yeah, I hope the baby makes her appearance sometime from next Tuesday to Sunday.  But no pressure.

The boy and I are still perfect.  We hung out this weekend and had a great time.  He's puppy sitting while I'm away, and I'm taking my pooch over to his place tomorrow evening.  I get so excited to see him.  We text and talk every day, and every time something funny or interesting happens I want to tell him right away.  I'm pretty smitten with him.

That's all for now.  Hoping this weekend will give me more to write about.

Party and Tattoo Night

Last night was pretty fabulous and much needed.  It started with a gathering of coworkers at our favorite Mexican restaurant for "staff meetings".  We ate and chatted.  Most of us have tattoos, and the most uptight one among us expressed an interest in getting her first one.  And so a plan immediately developed that several of us would head over to a tattoo shop after dinner and help her pick one out.  She insisted she wouldn't get one right then, but the rest of us wanted to and hoped she would join in.

After telling the waiter at the restaurant we were also celebrating our manager's birthday, he brought her out a shot of tequila, and she was ready to go!  Just this past year she's gotten her first two tattoos and was the biggest instigator of last night's plan.  After many pictures, hugs and goodbyes five of us headed to the tattoo shop.

Big boss lady stayed with the tattoo virgin to make sure she didn't run away while I found out if they could work on us that night.  We hung out exploring options while waiting for our turn.  Three of us already knew what we wanted, but one girl didn't have her ID so couldn't get done.  The virgin found one she really liked but couldn't decide on placement (that's the story anyway).  So she stuck to her guns and hauled ass out of there.  The boss knew what she wanted, but it needed to be reworked some and couldn't be done last night.

So two of us got tattoos.  She and I have worked together for many years and are pretty close.  We'd been talking about getting one together for a long time.  She went first and took it like a champ.  The tattoo artist was wonderful and we all shared a smoke break before he started on me.  He drew on what I told him I wanted, and after a few adjustments, he got started.  I got an addition to my back, this being the fourth session on it.

Each piece is in the same style, but a little different.  I love how each one holds certain memories and reminds me of different parts of my life.  The first I got when I bought my first house.  The second I got with the ex-husband.  The third I got with my awesome roommate.  And this one I got with wonderful friends who just happen to be coworkers.

I can't wait for my next addition.

Woah!

Wow, it's been a crazy long time since I've written.  There's been plenty to write about, but I either didn't know how to put it all into words or just didn't feel like it.  Work is going well.  The manager has been out a good amount lately, which has been a little stressful for me, but we're getting through it.  One girl I've worked with for a really long time has been addicted to pills and almost got fired, but I think she's finally decided she wants to quit and has seemed better this past week.  I'm planning a vacation at the end of October to visit some friends and see Matt Nathanson in concert, finally!!  Excited for that and ready for a break.

I've still been hanging out once a week with the ex-bf, although we certainly don't act like we're broken up.  He even expressed the slightest bit of jealousy a couple of weeks ago at the thought of me with another guy.  He calls me beautiful all the time which he never really used to do, and I hear so much more emotion in his voice when he tells me he loves me now.  I just don't know what to think.

The new house is still awesome and definitely feels like home now.  I've been doing a lot of lawn care lately, and it feels awesome and empowering when I mow, weed eat and blow off the patio and sidewalk start to finish.  It looks really good, and I'm the only woman in my little neighborhood nook that really does it.  I even drug out the ladder yesterday to do a little maintenance outside, and the whole "I am kayak, hear me roar" thing totally applied.  It feels good.

My sister's baby shower was this weekend, and it went fairly well.  They're always awkward and never go by without some heart pangs, but it was nice.  There were kids absolutely everywhere, so I hung out away from them.  I think the worst part was actually buying the card for it the day before.  I was standing in the card aisle and reading through all the different options when it hit me.  I fought back the tears right there in the middle of the store, but a few managed to come out.

Anyways, after most of the people had left from the shower and it was just family and a couple of close friends, we had a blessing circle for the baby and that was beautiful, as always.  A little while after that more people arrived for a birthday/going away dinner for another sister, and that was fun.  Her long-time boyfriend is a Marine and will be moving a few states away for at least the next year, and she's decided to go with him.  It's only a matter of time before news of an engagement, I believe.  They're adorable together, and I'm happy for them.

The next morning all of us "sisters" and their significant others gathered at a wonderful restaurant downtown for breakfast.  Only later when looking through pictures did I realize that I was the only single, non paired up person there, and surprisingly it didn't even bother me.  Those people are my family, and I love when we're all in one town spending time together.  Even their fellas... I've known them all so long now that they feel like family too.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

On the schedule today is getting my car registration renewed.  I hope it's not a process though because I also have to get the bank off the title now that I fully own it and also change it out of my married name, which I guess I never did.  After that I may hit the gym.  Oh my... exciting news... I've been loosing weight, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my old self!  I've lost about 13 pounds in the past few months, which is amazing for me, and I want to lose about 20 more and tone up.  I'm on the way!! :)

I guess that's about it for now.  Thanks for checking in.  Have a great day!

Butterflies

They're coming back... those butterflies you get in a new relationship.  But it's not new, of course, it's with the ex-bf.  We hung out Sunday night and had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g time.  We mesh really well again.  We had our first sleepover last night.  I took the dog and went to his place.  It was nice sleeping next to him.  We're finally taking our day trip this Sunday, and I'm excited to see how it goes

Part of me wonders if I'm still just holding on to him because it's comfortable.  The other part keeps saying that the butterflies and thinking about him all the time now really mean something.  I wonder if he'll want to talk about what we're doing anytime soon, or if he's cool just letting it ride for awhile.  Neither of us has even tried to approach the subject at all.  I'm okay with that right now.

In other news, I had a fabulous weekend with my "sisters".  Two of the out-of-towners were here, one with husband and baby in tow.  We all went to the beach and watched a surfing competition for a bit...

We went out to eat a few times and hung out at their parents' house playing games and talking.  It was a wonderful time, and I miss them dearly.  An adorable picture of me and my nephew got me thinking how I look like I could be a mother.  Seeing that picture made me want it even more.  But what else is new?

I did have a hard time at one place we went though.  It's a cute little shop at the beach that we always went to when we were in high school.  We went back there Sunday, and it hadn't changed it bit.  The girl behind the counter was talking to one sis's baby and commenting on the preggo-ness of the other sister.  She then said that she's pregnant too.  It was all "Oh, congratulations!  That's so exciting!", "Congrats to you too!", "When are you due?", etc.  I had to leave the store.  And of course the sisters were all oblivious to how it affected me, but that's okay.  They've got their happy, children-filled lives and should enjoy it.  I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut.  The husband of one came out and sat with me, but didn't say anything.  Maybe he got it.  Maybe he was just tired of being in the store though.

Anyways, I'm off today but feeling under the weather.  Gonna be lazy with soup, Mad Men, knitting and cuddling with my puppy.  Happy trails.

Offer Made!

This afternoon I put in an offer for House #1!!  I'm so freakin excited!  The realtor showed me the two houses as well as two others this morning, and #1 is totally the right one for me.  I met with the bank lady afterwards who got me pre approved, then went back to the realtor and signed the paperwork for the offer!  She meets with the seller this evening.  The house is priced very well, so I'm going in full price and asking the seller to pay closing costs.  We'll see!  If all goes well, we're aiming for a closing on May 31st.  Assuming I get the house, I'm trying to decide if I want to take June to paint (it needs a fresh coat) or go ahead and move in and paint after.  Oooh... what color??

And did I mention, awesome roommate from before the boyfriend is moving back in with me!!  She really has turned into a best friend, and we can't wait to be reunited, haha.  She and her boyfriend still aren't ready to move in together, so I'm probably gonna have her at least a year.  Which is good, because until I find a man who wants to move in with me, I'm probably gonna need a roommate from a moo-lah standpoint.  I could swing the mortgage if I lived on nothing but ramen noodles, but a roommate is much better.  And she's the perfect one.

I learned today that I have a medical bill that went into collections over a year ago because they had the wrong address for me.  That showed up on the credit report the banker pulled, but it never showed up on the site I use to track my credit... weird.  But, I called the collections agency and am getting that all straightened out.

I also got a very sweet message today from my guy friend from 8th grade.  March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, and I've been posting about it all over FB.  He didn't know what it was and did some research on it, then sent me a message offering his support.

"It's strange, I was actually just thinking about asking you about Endometriosis.  I had seen your posts about it, and I didn't know what it was.  I gathered it affected you personally somehow, but for some ridiculous reason I never assumed that you had the condition yourself.  I read a little bit about it.  I don't even know what I'm saying here, really, but I just wanted to reach out somehow.  I can't claim to really understand it and I'm sure I can't say anything that you haven't heard before.  Just know that I'm still here if you need me.  I care about you and I'm grateful we've kept in touch for all these years.  If you want to talk, need someone to listen, or just anything really, you know what to do.  I know this is a challenging time in your life for reasons I don't completely understand, but you've got one more friend over here, okay?"

How awesome is that?!?  Especially coming from a man!!  I got a lot of messages of support after I vented about endo on FB this weekend too.  I truly am lucky to have such wonderful friends!

Okay... gotta distract myself the rest of the evening so I'm not obsessing until I get the call... aaah!!

The Big 3-0

So I'm 30 now.  It happened yesterday.  No biggie.  The days leading up to it had me in a state of minor excitement like I always am around my birthday.  I like to feel special for that one day of the year.  Yesterday morning I still felt it, then it kinda disappeared in the afternoon.  I guess you can only feel special to a certain point when you're at work all day, haha.  But it was a very nice day.  Work was easy, the weather was beautiful (sunny and in the 60s!) and I had friends over in the evening to celebrate with me.  Got some flowers at work from my parents and even a surprise gift from the ex-husband waiting for me at home during my lunch break.

I flirted all day with a friend through FB.  Back in our early 20s we made a "pact" that if neither of us was married at 30 we'd marry each other.  I got a FutureMe letter yesterday from 6 years ago reminding me of that.  He's the one who suggested it and didn't even remember.  It was fun to pass the day talking to him.  After reading that my 24-year-old self hoped I was married and had children by now, she also said something that has stuck with me more:

"If nothing else, I hope you're happy.  That's all I've ever really hoped for.  Do whatever it takes to enjoy your life.  There's no time like right now, dang it!  So take advantage of every opportunity, no matter how small."

Even back then, that was all I wanted.  And I'm totally doing that very thing today!  I'm going to look that house for sale from a few posts back in a couple of hours.  So very excited!

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!

That song's in my head, and I love it!

It's been a good, busy week.  Work was crazy with all the holiday business.  Only a half day tomorrow, which is fantastic.  We had our staff Christmas party at a restaurant downtown last night, and it was wonderful.  It was probably the most low-key one I've been to, but I think everyone had a good time.  We did the "White Elephant" thing, and I stole a gift card.  I felt kinda bad "stealing" a gift, but the person who first had it went up and ended up with another of the same, so no harm, no foul!

Found a very old friend on FB yesterday.  He had sent me a message back in freakin March, but it went to some "Other" folder in the message center that I'd never seen until yesterday.  I was going through FB's new security things and learned about it.  Craziness.  It's a cool story with him though... We met in a chat room (remember those?!) back when we were both in 8th grade which was 1997, I think.  We emailed and chatted all through high school, then finally met when we were 20 or so.  We kind of fell out of touch about five years ago.  It's nice to talk to him again.

I'm so excited for Tuesday!  I think I've nailed all my gifts for everyone this year.  My favorite one is for my step-dad.  He's a writer and has been in the process of turning one of his screenplays into a novel for quite some time now.  He's got it based in our old town and mentioned once he'd hoped to get a picture of the river at sunrise for the cover.  I finally dragged my ass out of bed early enough and drove there on a gorgeous morning this week.  There was a mist on the river, and the sun made it glow.  I noticed a cop keeping an eye on me, but I think he was just being nosy, haha.  The pictures turned out beautifully, and I can't wait for him to see them.  He's not in the best of health, and I don't know if he'll get to finish that book, but maybe this will keep him going on it for a bit.

Happy Holidays!

Slow and Steady vs. Here and Now

One of my best friends is very methodical and thinks long term.  She and her husband have been scrimping and saving for years.  They've lived extremely frugally and are crazy couponers.  In doing this they have just bought their first house with a large down payment and still have a large cushion... which they're scared to spend, but that's beside the point.

They have a plan.  They know what they want to accomplish through the years and how they want to live, and they're happy to lay the groundwork now and be fruitful in the long run.  And that works for them.

My boss-lady (who I'm pretty good friends with) is of the other mindset... we're not promised tomorrow, so do what you've always wanted to and what makes you happy now.  She's doing things for herself that she never used to... She just got her first tattoo and is planning another.  She now gets bi-weekly mani/pedis, takes local day trips and does other things that make her feel good about herself.

Her financial situation doesn't really let her save for the future, so she says "screw it" and when she gets a little something extra she uses it for fun.  And that works for her.

My friend's and my boss' situations are different, so of course they're looking at it from different angles.  My friend is in her thirties and has only been married for a few years.  She's gotten a good start and wants to be practical with everything.  My boss is 50, been married for 30 years with no kids and has "been there, done that."  She also has a big family history of heart problems, feels lucky to have made it this long and wants to enjoy life to the fullest in case it doesn't last much longer.

I  understand where each is coming from and I feel I fall somewhere in the middle.  I want to embrace the now and live in the moment, but I also need to think of the future.  I want to have fun while I'm young, but I also want to start settling down and attempting to have children.  The latter of each involves some long term planning and saving, but I do allow a little splurge here and there for the former.  And I guess that will work for me.