Thursday, April 27, 2017


I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017


I'm frustrated right now, and life has been weird the past few weeks.  The major issue has been with my roommate of the past year.  I've been staying with the boyfriend over weekends lately, and the last few Mondays I've noticed a few things in my room that just seemed different than how I left them.

One day my ceiling fan was on, which I never leave on when I'm gone.  My old phone which I use as an iPod was askew on the dock.  Some built-in bookmark tassels were hanging off the shelf when I always have them tucked under the book so the cats don't play with them.  Then there was my computer.  The monitor was on, and I knew I hadn't left it that way.  I powered up the computer to find a message that it hadn't been shut down properly.  Hmmm...  I did some digging and found some files that had been accessed on a day I wasn't home at all.  Did some more digging and found the log stating it had indeed been turned on and off that same day.


Now my roommate had never given me real trouble before.  He lived with me for a little over a year and the worst he did was be a little loud in the kitchen at night and slam the front door on the way out to work.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  But overall, nothing too bad.  Lately he's been drinking.  Like, a lot.  There was an incredible amount of beer and liquor bottles in the recycling bin the past couple of months.  So I knew he was having some problems.

I decided to get a security camera that I could view over my phone.  Got a pretty decent one for not too expensive that has night vision and alerts me whenever there's motion detected.  It's not exactly tiny and is pretty obviously a camera, so I tried to hide it the best I could on a bookshelf surrounded by a bunch of knickknacks.  From a distance it kind of blended in, but up close it was noticeable.

I left as usual that weekend and was nervous all night.  We went to bed, and around eleven o'clock I was notified of movement.  Sure enough, he was in there.  He started out just petting one of the cats for a few minutes, but soon after he started snooping.  He went through my desk drawer then headed to the walk-in closet.  Unfortunately the camera angle couldn't entirely show into the closet, so I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was in there for a long time.  I could kind of see him going through some things, and I know he was in my underwear bin because they were all disheveled.  (Eww.)  He eventually moved on to my bathroom and went through my medicine drawer and looked at all the stuff under the sink.

So the boyfriend and I were watching him as he was going through all my stuff, and I could not stop shaking.  I was so disturbed and knew I wouldn't sleep at all knowing he might go back in, so I asked the boyfriend if he would accompany me the hour's drive home and stay the night.  Of course he did, and we put a keyed entry lock on my bedroom door the next morning and gave him notice to vacate.  He moved out two days later and left a long, handwritten letter apologizing and calling himself every negative adjective imaginable.  He left his room pretty dirty and somehow partially moldy, so there's been some detailed cleaning going on.

I still feel kind of violated.  He never gave any indication of doing anything physically to me (although in his letter he stated how his co-worker suggested things he should do to me... he could have left that part out, thankyouverymuch), but my safe space was intruded upon and rummaged through.  At one point we thought he'd put a camera in my closet, but luckily we didn't find anything.  And I really don't know how long he'd been going into my room.  I really think it was just the past few weeks, but it's possible it had been longer and he'd just gotten sloppy lately.  Ugh, I hope not.  I moved my camera into the main room of the house with a view of both the front and back doors.  I'm just a little paranoid, but I'm starting to feel more at ease.

So now I have my house to myself again.  The boyfriend might move in at the end of the month, and if not, a friend of a friend is interested.  But for now I'm enjoying the solitude.