Sunday, June 28, 2015

Que Sera, Sera

"What screws us up most in life 
is the picture in our heads
of how it's supposed to be."

I've seen this quote around the internet a lot lately, and it's got me thinking.  Since I was in high school I've pictured myself falling in love with a man and having children with him.  Of course we'd have trials along the way, but overall we'd have our own happily ever after.  Or whatever the real life equivalent of that is.  And I've never questioned it.  In my mind that's just how it's supposed to be.

But what if it's not?

Maybe I'm not actually going to have a lifelong partner.  Maybe I'll be with different people and enjoy the time with each of them while it's good.  Maybe they'll each be serious for a while, or maybe they'll all be casual.  Or it could be a mix.

Maybe I won't ever have children.  Maybe I won't actually create a little life and feel it grow inside of me.  Maybe my body's not capable of it.  Maybe adoption won't ever be an option.  Maybe I'll never be financially able to support someone other than myself.

It's sad and a little scary to think that the major things you've always wanted just might not happen.  But it's also kind of liberating at the same time.  It could be the "live for today" mentality starting up.  Or that old saying "stop trying and it'll happen" that everyone loves to tell you.  Or maybe it's just me getting tired of being disappointed... "You can't be disappointed if you have no expectations." 

I don't know if I believe in fate.  Are things really meant to be?  Does everything happen for a reason?  Looking back I can see how things that have happened have led to other important things, many times good.  And that brings comfort when you're going through a hard time.  But is that how it was supposed to go down, or was it just coincidence?

Maybe there's another purpose for my life.

Maybe I just suck at relationships.

Maybe I'll find out one day.

Sunday, June 21, 2015


I've been very lucky through the years with driving.  There have been some close calls, but I've never had so much as a traffic ticket, let alone been in an accident.  Until this past week.  I was driving to work and got rear ended at a light.  I got hit hard and pushed into the car ahead of me.  It scared me pretty badly, and I think I was in some form of shock for a little while.  I was kind of spacey and shaky.  And now...

My.  Back.  Effing.  Hurts.

It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident.  Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time.  They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation.  Awesome.

Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs.  Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again.  I'm nervous.  My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week.  Joy.  My poor car will need some doctoring too.  Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that.  We've been through a lot together.

I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!"  They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer.  I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now.  They were awesome and are going to handle everything.  Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.

Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.