Tuesday, August 30, 2011


This is my smiling puppy at the park today.

A few days ago that park was under an enormous amount of water.  Today, trees were down all around and picnic tables that had been secured to the ground in concrete were moved to new locations as determined by Hurricane Irene.

This is what she did at my house.

Moments before it fell, I was looking at it through my roommate's window and watching the swing attached to a strong branch blow from side to side.  I decided that the wind had calmed down just enough to take the puppy out, since he hadn't been out since the storm had arrived and had to go.  So I walked to the front door to get his leash, and then I turned around and looked outside again through the back door.  The tree was down.  In a matter of what couldn't have been more than fifteen seconds this huge piece of the earth just tumbled down.  Thank goodness it fell the way it did and not the other and onto the house.

I got lucky.  During the past two days I've talked to so many people who have lost absolutely everything.  Their houses, cars, all personal belongings.  But they still had their pets, and they needed a safe place to put their precious family members until they can figure out how they're going to regroup and start over.  It's been absolutely heartbreaking hearing all of their stories.  I'm glad we can help to give them one less thing to worry about for a little while.

In 1999 my best friends lost their house and most of their belongings to flooding caused by Hurricane Floyd.  The water rose to just under the top of their chimney.  During this storm, a friend awoke to her yard completely flooded.  At one point she posted pictures and stated pretty matter-of-factually that her home would soon be too.  I immediately told her that her family could stay with me, but she said, "Thanks but we can't get out now, its too late.  It will be in my house in about an hour I think."  I was terrified for her.  Luckily the water finally stopped just one inch shy of entering her house.

I know I whine and complain a lot here, but I am very thankful for what I do have.  As of right now my family and friends are safe and mostly healthy and happy.  They are what matter most to me, and I am a very lucky girl.

Monday, August 29, 2011

This feels so middle school...

I think I need to un-friend all of his family.  It really upsets me how upset I got at the fact that an in-law I will probably never see again in my life removed me from his online social media "friends".  I also get upset every time I check out the husband's page and see something new about him and his girlfriend or just his life in general.  I purposely only let myself look at it once every few weeks or so, but the fact that I purposely avoid it knowing I'll probably get upset upsets me.  The fact that I still see him and his family popping up on the left-hand side of the screen like we're all hunky-dory makes it hurt more.

I don't think I can keep doing it.  I think I need to get rid of all reminders, no matter how small, so I'm not dwelling all the freakin time.  Like my signature, it's another daily reminder that he and I are no longer and will never be again.  That he's perfectly content with another woman.  That I'm terrified once again that I'm going to die alone.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Minus One

His uncle unfriended me on facebook.  His uncle that said we could keep in touch even though we won't be family anymore.  This hurts.  More than I thought it would.  I didn't expect it from him.

I may have deserved it though.  I posted this as my status last night after a couple of drinks and a day of emotional pain that led to a lot of anger:  "Come on Chancery Court of freakin Mississippi... I've got things to do."  And by things I meant trying to move on.  Every time I sign my married name I'm reminded of what I've lost.  I just want to change it back so it's one less daily reminder.

Was I in the wrong?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Last Night

I had just reheated some pancakes and poured a glass of wine (not a weird combo at all!) for dinner when the roommate called inviting me out for a meal.  I'd already secluded myself once yesterday, so I figured I should accept this invitation with her and some of her friends.  I'm glad I did.  They're all disc golf junkies, and for some reason I love hearing them talk about it.  It's like a brand new world I'm just now discovering, although I don't have much of an interest in playing a whole lot.  But it's fun to listen to them talk about all the different aspects of it.

At one point I told them that, and I got this in response from one guy:  "We're just hippies who like to drink, smoke and throw discs at things."  My roommate then added that I fit right in, and I agreed.  Other than the smoking part.  And the throwing things part... well, sometimes.  But I am a hippie at heart and do enjoy the occasional drink or two.  Or three.  You know.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♫

I felt the ground shake yesterday, as did a lot of people apparently.  I was sitting at work and felt a slight rattling.  At first I thought it was just a big truck driving by or a helicopter passing a little too closely overhead, but then it got stronger and just kept going.  All the shelves started shaking as did the really big file cabinet right behind me.  Then it was over, and we were looking around asking, "What the hell was that?"   Never experienced an earthquake before.  And there's a big hurricane aiming for us and arriving this weekend.  Interesting weather week.

Feeling a little better emotionally.  I guess I just need a little breakdown every now and again to let out all that builds up.  Sometimes the enormity of it all slams into me and I can't ignore it anymore, as hard as I try.  I keep trying to minimize it in my mind, but this is still a really big thing.  I keep thinking I should be getting over it, but it's still only been a few months.  It really is just going to take time.  I still don't get how he moved on so quickly.  I wonder if he really has, or if he's going through the same feelings I am even though he is with someone else.

Stupid boys.  I'm tired of trying to figure them out.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Beaten Down

I almost lost it today.  Not exactly sure what... my emotional "stability", my sanity, my grasp on reality.  Whatever it is, it almost got gone.

I had a freak out.  Not quite a panic attack, but it felt like something close to it.  I've been feeling the build up all week, and this morning it all exploded and I forgot how to deal with everything.  I forgot that it is going to be okay one day.  I forgot that it has to be.  I don't feel like I know that deep down anymore.

I wanted to give up... on everything.  I still do a little, actually.  I just don't know how to keep going.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know that hoping it'll get better a little more day by day is going to cut it anymore.

I think I need more help.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My Day Off

I miss my old doctor.  I went to see a new gyno yesterday for the yearly fun stuff.  It still absolutely amazes me how I let a total stranger stick her fingers and other things up in places that I'm terrified to let a new man go.  I'm not sure I like her either.  I told her how endo was found all up in there this time last year and to please keep an eye out for it.  She immediately spit out that a biopsy can't always tell you if it's endo and sometimes the only way to find out is when the uterus is completely removed and sent off for testing.  Really lady?!  Anyways, I got an RX for new birth control that's supposed to help with all the pain and spotting.

I really don't want to go back on the pill.  It's like another big ol slap in the face that my marriage is over and I won't be trying for a family anytime soon.  After each unsuccessful date I keep getting more and more insecure.  I really want to ask the husband what it was that changed for him so I can figure some things out with me.  He kept saying that he wasn't really sure and apologized for not having better answers, but I think he was just scared to hurt my feelings.  I wish he had talked to me.  I wish he felt he could.  I wish I had gotten on antidepressants a really long time ago.  On the other hand though, he didn't stick around when things were "for worse", so why do I keep wanting him?  Why can't I just let him go and move on?

I was a third wheel last night.  I'd forgotten just how much I hate being a third wheel.  The roomie and I had a sushi date, but she invited her boyfriend along.  At first I had absolutely no problem with that.  He's a good guy.  Then I remembered what it's like to be a freakin tag along.  I sat in the back seat while they flirted and he tried to discover the location of her newest tattoo.  A creepy old man kept trying to catch my eye at dinner, quite unsuccessfully.  Why do I always attract the creepy old men?  At least the sushi was good.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

What a freakin long-ass day...

Ladder yoga, a search through the woods and a really bad semi-date.

We're painting at work.  Some spots are less than easily accessible, so I did a lot of "yoga poses" on the ladder trying to reach said spots.  I'm the tallest of our little bunch, so I got to do this pretty much all by myself.  We've been painting during our down time for a couple of weeks now, and I'm happy to say that we're almost done.  The walls are mostly the shade of yellow you can see behind this beautiful new piece of artwork we just acquired.  It's actually a picture I took of my adorable puppy blown up huge for all who enter to see.  The manager is a photographer, so she's been excited about us all getting our pets up on the walls.

So I'm painting this afternoon when a client comes in to pick up her three cats that we bathed today.  So yeah, I'm painting, and the girls are helping her out to her car.  Next thing I know, they've taken off running.  That's never a good sign outside at work.  Apparently the majorly overweight cat's (appropriately named Big Boy) carrier broke, and he got loose.  Luckily he didn't head for the road.  Instead, he headed for the woods.  So that meant we did too.  We were in the woods for about half an hour before we finally caught him.  Thank goodness.  I sat down in the back yard afterward to try to catch my breath, but no.  I discovered a thousand tiny seed ticks crawling all over me.  The only spare pair of scrubs in the entire building were about a size four, which I am most definitely not.  Sigh.  I stripped down and changed into the mini clothes and went home for the remaining hour of the work day.  I don't think I've ever scrubbed my skin so hard as after all that.

Thennnnn, I had to get ready for a date/hang out thing with a guy I went to school with who is now home on leave from the Army.  We decided on dinner and drinks, but didn't officially name it a date or anything.  It was more of a catching up thing, I guess, since we hadn't seen each other in several years.  Whatever it was, it was pretty awful.  He told boring stories and I pretended to be interested as he drew them out.  When a silence fell I asked him questions about life and such, so he talked a lot.  I don't think he asked one question about me and my life all night.  I ended it early and almost killed us as I accidentally put the back half of my car into the really deep ditch on the side of his narrow driveway.  It was dark.  I didn't see it.  All was fine, but I had a little heart attack there.  I said goodnight as he hesitated taking off his seat belt, looking like he wanted to kiss me or something.  Really?!?  We just had that awkward of a night, and he thinks I'm kissing him?  Huh-uh.

Goodnight world.

Friday, August 12, 2011

What was in that?

I think I may have accidentally gotten slightly stoned tonight, but I'm not sure.  I went to a friend's house for dinner, and there was a small group there when I arrived.  Special drinks were served.  Then dinner was and it included a secret special ingredient.  Whatever it was, it was delicious.

A little ways into the meal I realized that I felt pretty good, but just attributed it to the lovely spirited beverages.  Then I realized I felt a little high.  Then a little more so.  After that I quit questioning and just went with it.

It is possible that I inhaled a few too many paint fumes today though...

Either way, it's been an interesting evening.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I almost wish she was a boy...

I know this is getting old, but can I just say again how much I love my roommate?!  She's got a new job now where she's gone for 3-4-5 days at a time, and her latest shift started early this morning.  I miss her already, haha.

This afternoon she texts me from a bench where she's basically sitting outside a classroom for four hours while someone she's supervising takes the class inside.  She's not allowed to leave.  She just has to sit there.  So she texts me about an hour before I get off of work saying she's bored out of her mind and is about to fall asleep.  This chick is obsessed with some Starbucks, so after work I got her a grande of her favorite beverage and hung out with her for the remaining three hours of waiting time.  We had the absolute best conversation yet.

I love how this roommate situation turned into an instant new best friend situation too.  We've got the same viewpoints on almost every topic imaginable and have the best "fights".   Who's going to do the dishes... neither of us wants the other person to because she cooked or did them all yesterday.  How one took out the trash/recycling when the other said that she would.  How she's not going to pay a larger percentage of the bills just because she makes more money than I do.  I'm going to pay for your Starbucks!  No, I'm going to pay for your Starbucks!

I got extremely lucky.

Monday, August 8, 2011


Can I pick 'em, or what?

So, Mr. Sure Thing and I have a history.  He's a good guy, but he doesn't always make the best choices.  I knew that and other things about him going into this, so why am I taking it so hard?  I think it really hit home today.

I have this thing where when I learn a guy I'm interested in or have been briefly dating has slept with a friend of mine, I immediately lose all interest in him.  It even makes me slightly nauseous.  Yeah, so Mr. Sure Thing slept with a girl I work with and have known for years.  He was her first.  She was fifteen at the time.  He was 25.

I just... can't now.

I don't think I've ever wanted to say FML more than I do right now.  I just need something to go right.  I was really hoping he would be it.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ask, and ye shall receive...

So, an opportunity has presented itself.  A sure thing, actually.  Pretty much exactly what I asked for, but now I don't know if I should take it.  It's only been four months... am I ready?  Would it all work out fine or would it mess me up even more?  How do you know when you should go for it?  Or do you just have to give it a shot and hope for the best?

What do I want?  Do I care if he cares about me?  Would I be okay with the way things used to be between us?  Would he maybe want it to be more?  Would I be okay with it if he did?

Why do I make things so complicated?

Emotional Rollercoaster Much?

I went from tears of defeat to ones from hysterical laughing yesterday.  Over and over again it seemed.  I was on the phone with a client trying to make an appointment, but she kept talking to kids in the background... "Just a minute!", "Tinkerbell or Jasmine?", etc.  After awhile she laughed it off with, "Two and a half year-olds, ya know?"

No, I don't know.

And done.  Lost it at work.  Ugh.  My boss hasn't been helping either.  I love her to death and I know she means well, but it's wearing me down.  She had a hysterectomy a few years ago because of endo, but she never wanted kids.  I've been having a lot of pain lately, and she keeps saying things to the effect of, "Girl, I know you want kids, but you need to get all that stuff taken out!"  And whenever any unruly children come in, it's "You sure you want some of them?"  Every day.

Later though it lightened up some.  We got a new dry erase board to write specials and such on, and she walked me through the steps of drawing a cartoon dog.  I've never been able to draw well.  It looked really terrible.  A coworker came up and teasingly, but dead-seriously said, "You need to take that down before someone walks in."  And done again.  Could not stop laughing.  Several others took turns at drawing a cuter dog, but they mostly looked like cows.  Named Betsy.

It's the little things in life, right?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Disc Golf

I've only played twice before, and my third experience with it was today in a freakin tournament.  My roommate talked me into it.  Luckily it was doubles, and I got to choose her as my partner... this time only.  Apparently if I decide to do this again, it's luck of the draw for a partner.

My first time playing was a little over a year ago, and the second was with her last week.  She said I'm a natural, and our teammates today agreed, so yay me, haha.  Definitely need practice though, and I can totally do that now because she bought me my first disc after the tournament today...

Isn't it pretty? :)  I ♥ my roommate!

The best part of this tournament thing?  The boys.  Cute boys.  There were about thirty people all together, and only three of us were women.  We went out to dinner with quite a few of them afterwards and had a pretty great time.  I had a couple of drinks and enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow... I'm gonna hurt!