Sunday, May 31, 2015

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Of course...

I took a big step this week.  I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.

He said no.

Because that's how my life goes.

He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together.  It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids.  He's not ready for that serious of a commitment.  Uh huh.  How many times have I heard that now?  I actually do believe him though.  He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now.  But it just sucks.

I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that.  And I really thought he would say yes.  We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too.  I think we would be amazing together.

How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life?  I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long.  My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me.  Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28.  The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know.  But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says.  And now this guy at 32.  I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator.  Is that just it?  Am I not meant to find it?

Or maybe I already have...

At least I've got him.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.