Saturday, April 30, 2011

I feel like a kid...

My parents went out shopping this morning, and I have the house all to myself.  My stepdad has been sick for a long time and very rarely goes out anyplace.  It was like that when I was younger (well, a teenager) too and I always felt so independent when they would go somewhere and leave me home.  It wasn't very often, so I always took advantage of it.  They were never gone more than an hour or two, so it's not like I could throw a party or anything.  I honestly don't remember what I would do, but I got that same little rush when they left today.

How old am I?  And I'm excited to be left home alone?  I was alone a lot in Mississippi and couldn't wait until the husband or roommate would get off of work.  It's funny how things change.

My mom said that my stepdad is very happy that I'm staying with them.  Mom said she is too and is thankful that I'll be living here throughout the summer to help keep an eye on him.  She worries about him a lot, and so do I.  He's got heart trouble, lung trouble and an inoperable hernia in his chest.  He seems depressed a lot and I'm trying my damnedest to help keep him cheery throughout the day.   I guess things really do happen for a reason.  I'm starting to see that in this situation more and more every day.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Will's 28, I'm 28... I coulda been a Princess! Duchess?

I went to the post office and mailed off all the divorce paperwork today.  Then I went home and watched the royal wedding.  Not the smartest decision.

I won't lie... I cried.  And not just because it was beautiful.  I kept thinking back to my wedding and how the sentiment behind the words we spoke to each other almost three years ago to the day mirrored how the royal couple looked this morning.  Did that make sense?  How much wine have I had?  Anyways... I miss being looked at like Will was looking at Kate.  And OMG (wow,  I've never typed that), how absolutely drop dead gorgeous is she?  Right?

Anyways again... I had a girly date planned for the evening that was supposed to take my mind off the fact that I just notarized my marriage away.  I haven't seen her for almost a year and a half and was soooo excited!  Then her little girl got a 103-degree fever and the date got cancelled.  I had a girly date with a different friend last night, and it was fun.  I have another girly date with two other friends tomorrow night, which should be fun also.

Ten years after high school and I'm finally popular.

I was really looking forward to the girly date tonight the most though.  I made brownies and everything.  We were going to have dinner and wine (well, I did that anyway) and watch movies and talk.  It was going to be a much needed evening out, but in at her house.  Oh well.  Her little girl needed her more tonight, which I totally can't be mad about.  Hopefully we'll get to reschedule soon.

At least the wine didn't go to waste.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A Friendly Stranger

I used to live in a little duplex here a few years ago.  Down the street from that duplex lives an older gentleman who's out in his yard a lot and likes to wave as people drive by.  I used to wave back every time I drove down the road and would always get a smile from him.  I saw him once at a grocery store and almost said hello, but I thought that might be weird.

My parents live a few blocks away from where I used to, and that gentleman's house is along the route to their place too.  It's been a reflex to glance at his yard each time I approach it, and for the first time since I've been back I saw him out there today.  I was very happy to get to smile and wave to him again.  It's been a couple of years, but I think he remembered me.  He pointed at me and had a look of "Hey!  I recognize you and your car!"  Then he smiled and waved back.

I don't know why, but that really made my day.  :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I had a happy day!

About damn time!

Saw a bunch of friends today and spent time with the newest baby of the bunch!  She actually liked me, I couldn't believe it.  I don't have a lot of experience with kids so I'm always a little awkward around them.  But we sat and played with legos for like an hour!  She sat in my lap, smiled at me like she knew me and gave lots of hugs.  Absolutely melted and broke my heart at the same time!  She was so adorable.  I want one!

And like so many, many times in the past when I've been with this group, I was once again the only single one in the whole bunch.  I swear, everyone else was all coupled up, even the kids.  It actually felt okay though.  It was kind of weird... I felt more comfortable around all these people than I think I ever have.  I felt like I belonged a little more.  It was a nice feeling.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sex, or lack thereof...

I'm mad at endometriosis and feel like blaming it for ending my marriage right now.  Sex has never felt great, and I blame that on the endo.  The husband has been the only man I've ever slept with.  I was waiting for love and when I found it I was 24 and had built sex up like crazy over the years.  I'd never really trusted men and was thankful to be comfortable enough with him to go for it.  The first few times we had sex were not pleasant, but I chalked it up to me being really nervous.  Over time it became more pleasurable, but not always.  More often than not it wasn't.  But I LOVED being with my husband and constantly got crazy worked up wanting to jump him.

After awhile though he didn't seem as interested in sex anymore.  I wondered if I was doing something wrong or if he was just losing attraction for me.  What I didn't learn from him until recently was that every time we had sex that was painful for me, it really affected him.  I tried my damnedest, but sometimes during the act I would tear up.  Definitely not the best thing, I know, but I couldn't help it... it really hurt!  I assured him it wasn't because of him, that it was my stupid body, but it really got to him.

Then sex became so infrequent that it was a big issue for us.  I wanted it, but it seemed like he never did.  There was so much tension and stress involved with it all that it turned him off completely.  He hadn't really shared any of that with me though, and every time I tried to talk to him about our lack of a sex life he would get upset.  The only time he ever really yelled at me was during one of those talks.

Not that I'm interested in dating any time soon, but I can't help but wonder how it's all supposed to go down in the future.  When I'm ready to have sex again, what the hell am I supposed to do?  Give fair warning that it may not go so well, hope he doesn't lose his boner and gives it a shot anyway?  Or just go for broke and pray that I don't end up in tears and scare another one away?

And, for that matter, when the hell am I supposed to bring up endometriosis and the fact that I may have trouble getting pregnant?  A few dates in before anyone gets really emotionally involved?  Well into the relationship when we start talking about the future?  After he proposes?

Right now I can't even picture myself ever feeling comfortable enough with another man to even get to the point of sex or marriage.

UGH!!  I'm so mad that I actually have to think about all this!!  I was with the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with, and he said he would stand by my side in dealing with all this endo crap.  I was so happy to have him and know that it was him and me taking on the world together.  That I wouldn't ever have to face anything alone again.

Right now I'm blaming you, endometriosis.  Not only have you caused me great physical pain throughout my life, you have now contributed to the greatest emotional pain I've ever experienced.  Thanks for that.

Mileage count now around 4,200...

So the packing went well.  Stuffed it all in boxes and stuffed my car to the brim with all the breakables and things I'd rather the movers not mess with.  The husband worked pretty much the whole time, but we hung out a little the last evening I was there.  He made dinner and we watched a whole season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

We got to talk some.  I asked if he really wanted to be alone or just didn't want to be with me.  He said it was the former, but I'm not sure.  He said what he wants has changed... he's not ready for a family, wants to be alone and travel.  I don't know if that's really the truth or not, but I'm trying to convince myself to believe it and let go of some of the blame I've put on myself.  I initially felt better after we talked, but I'm back to over thinking it all.

I'm wondering now if almost the whole time we were trying to get pregnant, he wasn't happy.  It makes sense.  He was on board the first couple of months, but after that we rarely had good timing.  I remember wondering if he was subconsciously sabotaging it... maybe it wasn't so subconscious after all.

He said he knows he should have spoken up a long time ago.  I keep wondering if we'd be where we are now if he had.

I did have a good time with the Charlotte friends though.  We ate a ton of sushi and fondue, but not at the same time.  That would be weird.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Another Day Down

I actually felt okay today.  I'm almost done packing my half of the household and could probably drive back tomorrow, but I want another day with my puppies.  The husband's going to take the oldest one, and I'll get the youngest (and our cat who's already back in NC).  Luckily he's able to keep both dogs until I get a place.

He wants us to go down to the courthouse tomorrow to start the paperwork.  I asked if he'd like to go to dinner afterward to kinda be able to say goodbye and get some closure, if possible.  He agreed.  I keep picturing it as some profound moment like you'd see at the end of a terribly romantic movie where the characters have been through a lot but realize that even though they love each other, they're just not right together and have to go their separate ways.  It probably won't go down like that, but I'm hoping to walk away feeling at peace with it all, or at least halfway out of heartsick.  We'll see.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've never been good with change...

It's so weird being back here.  I'm home, but I'm not.  It doesn't completely feel like home anymore.  The house looks different, feels different.  He took down all our wedding pictures and any others I was in, which I totally expected he would have done, but it was still a shock to walk in and see so many bare walls.  Like I'd nearly been erased.

Another tough moment was seeing that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore.  It makes complete sense... he doesn't want to be married anymore, so why would he keep wearing it?  I'm still wearing mine though.

We slept apart last night... me in the bedroom, him on the couch.  As he was getting ready for work today, I got up to let the dogs out, and in my sleepy morning haze I almost walked right up to him for a good morning hug and kiss as he sipped his coffee.  Then I went back to bed, but not back to sleep as I felt another wave of total shock and denial wash over me.

He still looks like the man I love, acts and talks like the man I love.  But he's not.  He's different now.  He doesn't belong to me anymore and there's nothing I can do about it.

The past few days and the entire drive down I felt so strong and confident that I'd be okay.  Being here though just keeps reminding me that the life I knew, the life I wanted to have with him is gone.

My heart is breaking all over again.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

On The Road Again

I'm headed back down south.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to MS to pack all of my stuff up in boxes.  I figure I better do it now before I (hopefully) get a job.  Wouldn't want to ask for time off right after getting hired.  Gonna stay with some friends on the way there and back to break up the drive again.  They've been so awesome... I've stayed with them three times in the past few weeks and even had my cat with me the last trip through.  Their cats didn't appreciate us so much.

Not sure how things will go seeing the husband for a few days, but he'll be working a lot and I won't see him much.  I know we'll be polite, but I hope it's not as awkward as it was last time.  It probably will be though.  It's just an awkward situation all around now.

I've been doing okay.  I'm not in denial anymore and am accepting the way things are now.  I'm still sad and angry, but not as much as I was.  I'm actually starting to look forward to the future.  I'm sure the happy pills are playing a part in that, and I'm very thankful for them.  I'm hoping they'll help to curb my anxiety in some other areas of life as well.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Top Chef Masters

I just watched the season premiere episode from last night, and the husband and roommate's boss, Chef John Currence, is a competitor.  It's on Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo if anyone's interested in watching it.  I had so been looking forward to watching it with the husband.  I'm really going to miss learning about the culinary world from and with him.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I lied...

...I do still care.  There's nothing I can do though, so why fight it?  In a few months we should be divorced, and I can try to move on and start again.  This is killing me now, but I will be happy again one day.

I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks.  I've never talked to one before, but I'm really looking forward to it.  My antidepressants just got upped yesterday, and hopefully the higher dose will kick in soon and help a little more.

But for now, every day I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.  I keep going back and forth between knowing I'll be okay and not knowing how I'll ever go on without him.   I wanted to have a family and grow old with this man, and now I have to start all over again.  How will I ever find a man who I trust as much as I did him?  How am I supposed to let someone else get to know me inside and out as well as he did?  How am I supposed to trust at all again?  He promised me forever and then he changed his mind.  How do you go on after that?

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's Over

He sent me a text message tonight that said he wants to get the paperwork started on making our separation official.  Really?!  All that we've been through and I don't even get the courtesy of a freakin phone call?!? 

I can't believe that the man I fell in love with could ever do this to me.  Like this.  I still don't know exactly what the hell happened, but I don't really care anymore.  He doesn't even care about or respect me enough to call and talk to me, so why should I? 

I'm about to be divorced, and by the time I'm ready to TTC again I may be physically unable to have children.  I know that's being overly dramatic right now, but it's a real fear.

That pisses me the fuck off.

And just to add insult to injury I got a freakin ton of EWCM today.  Just another reminder of all my dreams going down the drain for a very long time.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can't come up with a title tonight...

All I could think about today were things I did wrong in our marriage.  Times when I was insensitive and when he put up with all my "crazy" with no complaint.  Did it just wear him down?  I wasn't the only one at fault in all this, but sometimes it really feels like it.  I know I wasn't perfect, but I gave him all the love I had and still love him more than anything.  We had a lot of good times too.  I'm trying to focus on those now.

Tonight my left arm and hand started to get all tingly like I'd hit my funny bone or something, but I hadn't.  After a couple of hours of that my left leg and foot started to feel tingly too.  Could it be from the Prozac, stress or just my messed up back?  I was going to have a much needed glass of wine tonight, but decided against it just in case.  And I didn't smoke one cigarette today... or yesterday come to think of it.  Go me.  Yeah, I started again, but it's only been a few.  Shouldn't be too hard to quit again when I'm ready.

Can't come up with much else right now either, so goodnight moon.