I'm back. We'll see how long it lasts this time, right? Over a year since I've written... geez.
A brief chronological summary since we last spoke...
- The boyfriend and I are great and are planning marriage and kids.
- My biological father passed away.
- Endometriosis is back.
- Went on keto diet and lost a lot of weight.
- We bought a new house so we could all live together.
- Sold my house very quickly and renting out stepdad's house.
- Vacationed in Turks & Caicos... damn it was beautiful.
- Stepdad died a little before Christmas.
Damn.
Okay, that's about all I can muster for now. Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Showing posts with label sad face. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad face. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2019
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Holiday Update
I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing here. So much has happened. I left my job and moved in with my stepdad back in September. His health has been so up and down, sometimes doing a 180 from one day to the next. He kept having mini strokes, and about a month or so ago he started having seizures. I don't know how his body continues to take on so much stress.
He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable. I am too. But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life. I'm struggling with that.
Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up". Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on. I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could. Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit. We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least. If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets. Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day. Try to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him. But lately, it's just seemed so hard. Maybe it's the holidays. I'm missing Mom terribly. I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.
And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids. The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one. I can't imagine being without him. I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see. In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids. My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me. We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.
How the hell would that work anyway?! He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house. If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do? Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option. Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.
I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out. I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.
He's still distraught over the loss of Mom, which is completely understandable. I am too. But now, when I really need the man to be my father, it's like he completely forgets that I too lost the single most important person in my life. I'm struggling with that.
Our days are fairly routine... wake up, breakfast, then he snoozes until his hospice aid comes for his daily "washing up". Thank goodness I haven't had to take that on. I mean, I would if I had to, but with my back, I'm not sure I physically could. Anyways, while she's at the house, I get out for about an hour to run any errands or try to get to the gym for a bit. We play golf on the PlayStation for a majority of the afternoon which seems to take his mind off his grief and pain for a little while at least. If he's doing well enough after dinner, I go to my home to spend a couple of hours with the boyfriend and the pets. Head back to the house, make sure he's comfortable for the night and that all meds have been taken and are prepared for the next day. Try to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I am truly grateful for whatever time he has left, and I'm glad I'm able to take care of him. But lately, it's just seemed so hard. Maybe it's the holidays. I'm missing Mom terribly. I thought I'd be okay, but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more I seem to be unraveling.
And as usual, I'm also freaking out about if I'll ever get to have kids. The boyfriend and I have been together well over a year now, and I'm fairly confident he's the one. I can't imagine being without him. I had a feeling he might propose sometime over the holidays, but I guess we'll see. In less than two months I will turn 35 years old, and I keep feeling like it's now or never for kids. My endo pain seems to get a little stronger each month, and I'm so scared that if I don't do it soon, then it truly may not be possible for me. We haven't used protection almost the whole time we've been together, and nothing.
How the hell would that work anyway?! He lives in my two-bedroom house, and I live in my stepdad's two bedroom house. If I were to get pregnant, WTF would we do? Either house would be too small, and I don't know if moving my stepdad would even be an option. Not to mention, he wouldn't do well with my pets, and getting rid of them is not going to happen.
I feel like everything is stacking up, and I'm freaking out. I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to look for a therapist next month.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
My Mom Died
It's taken me a month to write that down. Well, tomorrow will be a month, and I'm still in shock. I can't believe she's gone. It happened so fast and was completely unexpected. We really thought she had more time. I think her body was just tired and couldn't keep going.
These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all. He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week. The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body. He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily. I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon. He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in. He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week. I guess we'll see.
I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon. I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her. But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it. It just seems so unreal. Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon. I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times. When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.
I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately. I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending. I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve. On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit. All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.
I did get a tattoo for her the other day though. It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow. She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her. I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays. We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch. We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.
I miss her so very much.
These past four weeks have been full of estate things and taking care of my step-dad, who is not doing well at all. He had a stroke a few days before she passed and had another last week. The grief and stress has taken a huge toll on his body. He's in a lot of pain, has gotten very weak, and gets confused very easily. I see him every day but will probably have to move in with him soon. He probably shouldn't be living alone now, but he's fighting me on moving in. He's been in hospice care for awhile now and has people out to see him throughout the week, a nurse coming twice a week. I guess we'll see.
I remember a few times in the past (most recently a few months ago when a co-worker's mother passed away... before Mom was diagnosed) thinking how I just wouldn't be able to deal if my mother were to die anytime soon. I couldn't even comprehend the thought of being in this world without her. But now, here we are, and part of me still can't fathom it. It just seems so unreal. Every now and then my mind will for just a split second think maybe she'll be back soon. I have a few voicemails from her on my phone that I've listened to a couple of times. When I hear her voice I think for sure she's at her house and that I'll see her soon.
I find myself feeling like I'm on auto-pilot lately. I'm going about life just trying to do what I need to do, and it seems like it's never-ending. I cry on and off, but I don't feel like I've had real time to grieve. On days I work I'm just trying to get through, and every day off is mostly filled with trying to take care of everything that needs to be done with her estate, their house and bills, his errands and trying to get him out of the house for a bit. All while trying to spend some quality time with my boyfriend who really has been amazing and so supportive through all of this. I'm very lucky to have him.
I did get a tattoo for her the other day though. It has her handwriting, a Christmas tree, and swirling snow. She loved the holiday season and always got so excited when it snowed, and that's how I want to remember her. I'm so going to miss our yearly trips to a store a few towns away when it gets all set up for the holidays. We would wander around it for a couple of hours looking at everything and then we'd go to lunch. We both loved it and looked forward to it every year.
I miss her so very much.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Small Update
So my mom's doctor thinks he can give her two or three years, and she had her second round (session, dose, whatever) of chemo this week. She's weak. She's in pain. She feels sick. She can't really do anything but sit. It's incredible how much of a 180 her life has taken in such a short amount of time. My brain almost can't understand how this woman who has been so strong my entire life now can barely get out of her chair. It's been so strange taking care of her when she has played the caretaker role herself for so long. How is it that my stepdad has more energy than she does and is now taking on more than I thought was possible for him? He loves her so much.
At least things with the boyfriend are good right now. I finally met the last of his immediate family a couple of weeks ago. We've been good since he moved in and even bought a new couch together. No big issues or little annoyances have caused any problems. We had a nice little talk on the beach after a few beers last week, which was nice. Just kind of reconfirmed that we're there for each other no matter what.
I guess that's it for now. I can't seem to get much out even though there are endless thoughts running through my head.
At least things with the boyfriend are good right now. I finally met the last of his immediate family a couple of weeks ago. We've been good since he moved in and even bought a new couch together. No big issues or little annoyances have caused any problems. We had a nice little talk on the beach after a few beers last week, which was nice. Just kind of reconfirmed that we're there for each other no matter what.
I guess that's it for now. I can't seem to get much out even though there are endless thoughts running through my head.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
My Mom Has Cancer
Um.... what the fuck is happening right now? I could very possibly lose both of my parents very soon. How the hell is this happening?
A few weeks ago my mother started having some issues and went to have them checked out. The doctors did numerous tests and procedures, and several days ago it was confirmed that she has cancer. It's the exact same place my grandmother had it, but it's spread to other places in my mother. It's not curable but is treatable. She has her first appointment with a cancer specialist this week, so we'll know more soon.
I am just in shock. She's always been my rock, and I can't even begin to fathom being without her. Even now, she's so stoic about it all. She says she's accepted it and is not scared of dying. She doesn't want anyone to know, doesn't want a pity party, and wants my stepdad and me to remain optimistic.
I'm just... numb. Even though she says she's not scared, she's got to be. She says what worries her is the leaving people behind, and I can understand that. But I'm so worried about what she'll be going through. She says she has discomfort now, but no real pain. She's noticeably weaker and loses energy very quickly. She just retired and was looking forward to getting out and doing things, and now she can't. It's so freakin heartbreaking.
I don't even know what else to say. I can't seem to stop crying.
Happy Mother's Day.
A few weeks ago my mother started having some issues and went to have them checked out. The doctors did numerous tests and procedures, and several days ago it was confirmed that she has cancer. It's the exact same place my grandmother had it, but it's spread to other places in my mother. It's not curable but is treatable. She has her first appointment with a cancer specialist this week, so we'll know more soon.
I am just in shock. She's always been my rock, and I can't even begin to fathom being without her. Even now, she's so stoic about it all. She says she's accepted it and is not scared of dying. She doesn't want anyone to know, doesn't want a pity party, and wants my stepdad and me to remain optimistic.
I'm just... numb. Even though she says she's not scared, she's got to be. She says what worries her is the leaving people behind, and I can understand that. But I'm so worried about what she'll be going through. She says she has discomfort now, but no real pain. She's noticeably weaker and loses energy very quickly. She just retired and was looking forward to getting out and doing things, and now she can't. It's so freakin heartbreaking.
I don't even know what else to say. I can't seem to stop crying.
Happy Mother's Day.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Spinning
I feel overwhelmed. My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop. Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.
First thing, my stepdad is not doing well. His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly. We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking. My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him. She actually has stayed home this week. Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke. It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling. I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.
Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate. He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something. Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was. I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that. I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily. He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought. And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty. The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out. And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy. Ugh.
I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter. The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids. Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now. Happy for him though if he's happy.
My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend. I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried. It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts. He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do. He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.
Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately. And he's scared of hurting me. From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later. He's known that and seemed to want the same. Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.
What the actual fuck.
I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some. I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him. I love him. I can see us being forever. As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.
I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him. Now I don't feel close to him. I don't feel that all-encompassing love. I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now. I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.
Because that's what has always happened. And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant. But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.
First thing, my stepdad is not doing well. His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly. We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking. My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him. She actually has stayed home this week. Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke. It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling. I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.
Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate. He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something. Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was. I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that. I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily. He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought. And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty. The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out. And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy. Ugh.
I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter. The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids. Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now. Happy for him though if he's happy.
My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend. I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried. It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts. He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do. He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.
Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately. And he's scared of hurting me. From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later. He's known that and seemed to want the same. Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.
What the actual fuck.
I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some. I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him. I love him. I can see us being forever. As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.
I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him. Now I don't feel close to him. I don't feel that all-encompassing love. I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now. I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.
Because that's what has always happened. And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant. But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
I'm sad today, so gonna write...
AF showed just before being five weeks late. At that point I was just so ready for the waiting game to be over and to put the whole emotionally trying cycle behind me that I actually yelled out "YES!" when she arrived. Luckily I was at home. I spotted for a week after she was gone and have been having daily pelvic pain ever since. This cycle is showing signs of being normal in terms of length so far, so I guess we'll see if I get back on track.
I'm actually really scared the endo is back now. I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions. So I don't know. I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time. And in reality, what can they really do? Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications. The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now. I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.
The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two. I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious. He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant. I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.
In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids. It was nice to meet them and just hang out. We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning. We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend. We're not that young anymore apparently. We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown. The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day. It was pretty perfect.
My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week. He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia. It was scary. Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there. It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous. He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful. His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.
I'm actually really scared the endo is back now. I was reading on my surgeon's website that it's pretty rare for it to come back after he does surgery, and that the pain is usually from something else and often adhesions. So I don't know. I want to call and talk to them just to get an opinion, but I'm scared of looking foolish and wasting their time. And in reality, what can they really do? Surgery isn't an option right now, and I have no desire to be put on any medications. The pain isn't awfully bad, just an annoying everyday occurrence that I can tolerate for now. I'm really just scared that my fertility is being affected again.
The boyfriend and I just had our six month anniversary, and he might be moving in with me in a month or two. I can completely see him as the one, and we certainly are serious. He even mentioned trying again when we found out I wasn't pregnant. I'm really hoping we can try soon, and that's the main reason I don't want to take any drugs for this pain.
In other news, the boyfriend and I went out of town a couple of weekends ago to visit some of his friends I hadn't met before... a cute couple with two kids. It was nice to meet them and just hang out. We got in late Friday night and stayed up drinking and talking until 2:30 in the morning. We all got trashed which mellowed us for the entire weekend. We're not that young anymore apparently. We took the kids to a park Saturday and did brunch Sunday followed by walking around downtown. The boyfriend and I headed back early afternoon and just lazed around recuperating more for the rest of the day. It was pretty perfect.
My stepfather was in the hospital for three days last week. He's got end-stage COPD and he developed pneumonia. It was scary. Every time I saw him, he seemed okay, but he had rough nights there. It's something like that that will eventually get the better of him, and every time he gets sick we get nervous. He's been home for a couple of days now and is slowly getting better, for which I am very thankful. His birthday is this weekend, and I'm very happy we'll be able to celebrate.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Not Pregnant
I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative. Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative. I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight. Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying. The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor. Fucking awesome.
I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me. He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive. He really has been amazing through all of this. We just had the best long weekend together. We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo. We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner. I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.
I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm scared the endo is back.
I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me. He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive. He really has been amazing through all of this. We just had the best long weekend together. We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo. We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner. I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.
I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm scared the endo is back.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Dating is Hard
I ended things with the new guy today. It had been two weeks since I'd seen him last, and I had been looking forward to spending time with him again. I've been on vacation this week, and after traveling around the state to visit friends I drove to see him yesterday. Immediately upon seeing him I felt nothing. We spent the afternoon together watching movies and walking along the beach. We had dinner and fell asleep watching a movie. It was nice to feel arms around me again, but it didn't trigger anything inside me. He's not the one, and I woke up early stressing about how I would break it to him.
We were supposed to spend today together too, but I didn't want to draw out the inevitable. When he woke up I just told him. Gently. And he was awesome about it. He didn't understand, but thanked me for being honest. I got my things together and prepared to leave. He hugged me tightly and drew it out. I wondered if I'd been too hasty with my decision, but I know I wasn't. I should have been feeling more by now if he was the right one. We never really had things to talk about, and I don't think our personalities would have meshed well together long term. I know I did the right thing, but I feel so crappy.
I'm home now and am regrouping. Unpacking, doing laundry and such. Tomorrow my mother and I are having a girls day. Friday I've got to take my car in. Had some issues on the drive, and luckily a friend was able to temporarily fix it so I could continue my trip. The weekend holds a surprise birthday party for a friend. So I'll be staying busy.
We were supposed to spend today together too, but I didn't want to draw out the inevitable. When he woke up I just told him. Gently. And he was awesome about it. He didn't understand, but thanked me for being honest. I got my things together and prepared to leave. He hugged me tightly and drew it out. I wondered if I'd been too hasty with my decision, but I know I wasn't. I should have been feeling more by now if he was the right one. We never really had things to talk about, and I don't think our personalities would have meshed well together long term. I know I did the right thing, but I feel so crappy.
I'm home now and am regrouping. Unpacking, doing laundry and such. Tomorrow my mother and I are having a girls day. Friday I've got to take my car in. Had some issues on the drive, and luckily a friend was able to temporarily fix it so I could continue my trip. The weekend holds a surprise birthday party for a friend. So I'll be staying busy.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Difficult Day
It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard. All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her. We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice. We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.
Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday. Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it. I still felt fine and not sorry for myself. I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't. I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry. I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected. Apparently not.
And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off. I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there. I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation. But still. They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children. I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice. It's just one little click of a mouse.
Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again. I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too. She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal. She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow. I'm so happy she and I are still friends.
Moving on, I met a fella. On Tinder of all places. He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor. So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman. He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues. He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.
Our first date was at a halfway point. We had lunch then talked for several hours. He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together. Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset. I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend. Maybe this coming week.
As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared. At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it. And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name. It could be anyone. Friend, family member. But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date. But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me. I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.
The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this. Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this. I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it. But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends. I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.
It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt. But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.
Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday. Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it. I still felt fine and not sorry for myself. I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't. I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry. I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected. Apparently not.
And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off. I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there. I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation. But still. They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children. I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice. It's just one little click of a mouse.
Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again. I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too. She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal. She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow. I'm so happy she and I are still friends.
Moving on, I met a fella. On Tinder of all places. He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor. So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman. He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues. He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.
Our first date was at a halfway point. We had lunch then talked for several hours. He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together. Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset. I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend. Maybe this coming week.
As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared. At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it. And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name. It could be anyone. Friend, family member. But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date. But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me. I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.
The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this. Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this. I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it. But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends. I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.
It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt. But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Holiday Blues
I dreamed I had a baby. A really huge baby. A boy. I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally. So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing. I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away. I picked him up and started nursing him. It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.
Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child. Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have. I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children. Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens. Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen. And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help. I cried every time that pain came back all night long.
I've been down since Thanksgiving. The day itself was a mix of happy and sad. I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving. My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws. The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it. Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him. I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.
I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays. It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly. My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.
I think I may take a step back from trying to date. I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world. I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since. What is up with these guys? I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so. Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you. Be a fucking grown ass person. So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks. I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.
I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago. Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently. These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy. He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day. I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility. I guess it's okay for now though. Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person. That sounds fucking pathetic.
Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child. Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have. I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children. Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens. Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen. And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help. I cried every time that pain came back all night long.
I've been down since Thanksgiving. The day itself was a mix of happy and sad. I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving. My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws. The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it. Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him. I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.
I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays. It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly. My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.
I think I may take a step back from trying to date. I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world. I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since. What is up with these guys? I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so. Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you. Be a fucking grown ass person. So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks. I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.
I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago. Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently. These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy. He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day. I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility. I guess it's okay for now though. Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person. That sounds fucking pathetic.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Self Pachingo Therapy
Mascara is streaking down my face right now. My pachingo and my feelings are hurt. I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.
So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it. Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them. Appropriate I thought, so I got it. It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL. No fucking way that was gonna happen.
So tonight was to be Day 1. I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it. Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt. I was pretty proud of myself. Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around. Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed. I was still okay though. I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.
Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again. Check. Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes. Alright, I'll give it a shot. I started where it said to and worked my way around. Then it happened. One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.
The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger. Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else. (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.) Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain. (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**) Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life. The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat. And there was that punch in the gut again. I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.
I need to do this for me. I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis. I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man. As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear. I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.
I met this guy online a few weeks ago. It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting. We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other. His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all. A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking. What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom. He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk). What if I can't do it? Oops... there goes another one! And there's that fucking fear. Literally, also. I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt. And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.
And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle. I need to do this. Period. Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .
**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk. I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex". Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?" I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol. Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more. I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere. Huh.
So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it. Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them. Appropriate I thought, so I got it. It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL. No fucking way that was gonna happen.
So tonight was to be Day 1. I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it. Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt. I was pretty proud of myself. Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around. Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed. I was still okay though. I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.
Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again. Check. Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes. Alright, I'll give it a shot. I started where it said to and worked my way around. Then it happened. One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.
The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger. Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else. (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.) Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain. (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**) Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life. The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat. And there was that punch in the gut again. I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.
I need to do this for me. I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis. I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man. As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear. I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.
I met this guy online a few weeks ago. It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting. We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other. His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all. A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking. What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom. He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk). What if I can't do it? Oops... there goes another one! And there's that fucking fear. Literally, also. I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt. And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.
And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle. I need to do this. Period. Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .
**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk. I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex". Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?" I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol. Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more. I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere. Huh.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Grouchy
- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.
- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!
- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.
- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!
- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!
- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.
- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.
- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.
- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.
- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???
Yes, AF is in town.
- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!
- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.
- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!
- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!
- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.
- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.
- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.
- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.
- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???
Yes, AF is in town.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
I'm Terrified
I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought. When I first found out I felt physically sick. I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it. Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.
I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning. I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth. I outright asked him, and he chose to lie. So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed. If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months. And a lot of heartache. I hate being lied to.
I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything. Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships. If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past. How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again? How do you learn to trust?
He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children. I went to that freakin bridal fair. I feel like such an idiot. But I didn't know. He's a good liar.
I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning. I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth. I outright asked him, and he chose to lie. So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed. If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months. And a lot of heartache. I hate being lied to.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
A Liar and A Cheater
He did cheat on me. He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically. Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local. It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends. He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.
I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it." So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March. Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.
He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery. I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work. Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends. I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.
I feel so stupid. "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs. If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them. Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is. I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions. I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me. All that being said though, I really did love him.
When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me. I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately. He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat. Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater. All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth. I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.
He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore. I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all. I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone. Time for yet another fresh start.
I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it." So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March. Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.
He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery. I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work. Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends. I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.
I feel so stupid. "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs. If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them. Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is. I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions. I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me. All that being said though, I really did love him.
When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me. I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately. He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat. Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater. All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth. I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.
He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore. I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all. I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone. Time for yet another fresh start.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Beginning of The End... Again
This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad. For real this time. Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication. His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan. He was out of his mind. When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore. And he hasn't had any for almost a week.
My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds. She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down. Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is. That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left. She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.
He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again. I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good. He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain. He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.
My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds. She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down. Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is. That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left. She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.
He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again. I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good. He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain. He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Drunken Wish
I'm tired of being broken. I just want someone to tell me they love me unconditionally and that I'm perfect the way I am. Why is that so hard?
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Dumped
My heart is breaking again. The boyfriend and I have broken up. He'd been acting weird lately, but I thought it was from all the long hours he'd been working or still being weird from my surgery. But apparently not. He said he hasn't been happy. That our relationship doesn't feel right anymore. He swore up and down that it has nothing to do with me. He still loves me and thinks I'm great, but he doesn't want what I want. He doesn't want to have kids. He's not sure if he really wants to settle down at all. He hates living in the South. Since he was doing the whole "It's not you, it's me" routine, I asked him several times if he was being honest with me, and he said he was. He kept saying I'm the nicest person he's ever known and he hates that he's wasted my time. I guess I'm choosing to believe him.
He's got nowhere to go right now, so he'll still be living with me for a couple of months. It was so hard breaking up late last night then trying to go to sleep next to him, although he did move to the couch later. And forget sleep... it was nearing 3am before I drifted off with a major headache. I had held my tears back pretty well, but I needed to be alone to do some obligatory sobbing. That's what I'm doing on and off this morning now that he's gone to work. I just can't believe this is happening. We were coming up on our three year anniversary. I guess that's my magical relationship number now.
He may or may not be able to take what is technically his dog, although we got him together. I can't imagine saying goodbye to that dog, I love him so much. I don't want to say goodbye to either of them. I'd been questioning our relationship lately too, but I was feeding off of how distant he'd become. He hadn't really been affectionate at all, and we weren't talking much. I really thought it was a phase that we would work through like we have before, but apparently this has been coming for awhile. He didn't want "to be an asshole" and do it when my stepdad got sick, and then I had surgery. I'm glad he did it a week before I have to go back to work so I'm not a fresh wreck there.
I can't believe I have to go through this again. I had found my partner. I was ready. I was starting to plan a wedding and now I'm starting all over. I'm 32 and single again. What the fuck, life?!
I'm never going to have a baby.
He's got nowhere to go right now, so he'll still be living with me for a couple of months. It was so hard breaking up late last night then trying to go to sleep next to him, although he did move to the couch later. And forget sleep... it was nearing 3am before I drifted off with a major headache. I had held my tears back pretty well, but I needed to be alone to do some obligatory sobbing. That's what I'm doing on and off this morning now that he's gone to work. I just can't believe this is happening. We were coming up on our three year anniversary. I guess that's my magical relationship number now.
He may or may not be able to take what is technically his dog, although we got him together. I can't imagine saying goodbye to that dog, I love him so much. I don't want to say goodbye to either of them. I'd been questioning our relationship lately too, but I was feeding off of how distant he'd become. He hadn't really been affectionate at all, and we weren't talking much. I really thought it was a phase that we would work through like we have before, but apparently this has been coming for awhile. He didn't want "to be an asshole" and do it when my stepdad got sick, and then I had surgery. I'm glad he did it a week before I have to go back to work so I'm not a fresh wreck there.
I can't believe I have to go through this again. I had found my partner. I was ready. I was starting to plan a wedding and now I'm starting all over. I'm 32 and single again. What the fuck, life?!
I'm never going to have a baby.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Suck Ass Birthday
Second back surgery was this past week, the day before my birthday. One nurse said, "Anesthesia... the gift that keeps on giving." Yeah...
Apparently it went well. The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out. I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe. My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot. I had a few visitors who brought flowers. The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.
For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented. During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me. I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again. He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do. He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse." Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen. That is a big fucking deal to me! During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that. So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes. That would be my luck.
Then the anesthesiologist bothered me. He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it. I told him last time they said I woke up agitated. He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up. We can give you more and knock you back out again." I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.
When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand. They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie. But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed. I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am. And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore. Third time was a charm, I guess?
So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery. He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain). He didn't even get me a birthday present. But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love. And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that. I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.
We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day. I pretty much can't anyway. I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it. Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.
I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home. My back hurts so terribly. The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick. I'm just miserable. And home alone for 12 hours a day. It's awesome.
And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning. One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day. The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know." I guess that didn't apply to me. RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!
Man I'm bitching a lot. I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time. My step-dad is still alive for now. I have so many people who love me.
I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.
Apparently it went well. The surgeon said he removed a lot of scar tissue from the last surgery (that can't be good though, right?) and cleaned the disc out really well so nothing else would come out. I don't remember much from the recovery room except answering some questions... maybe. My room was just like last time, and I slept a lot. I had a few visitors who brought flowers. The boyfriend took me home the next day and I slept some more.
For some reason though, this whole experience has me feeling a little discontented. During the pre-op visit with the surgeon the week before surgery his demeanor that day just bothered me. I asked a myriad of questions about what exactly I should and should not do so that this doesn't happen again. He answered them but basically said he wants me to live my life and doesn't want me to have to act like a 60-year-old in what I do. He said to use common sense, but then was all, "And if it does happen again we'll just go in again and fuse." Yes, we'd talked about it before, but there was something about how casually he said it this time that pissed me off... like, yeah, whatever, no big deal if it does happen. That is a big fucking deal to me! During that appointment I also brought up wanting to get pregnant at some point and asked some questions about that. So yeah, he's had several patients have a disc rupture again during a pregnancy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it until after the baby comes. That would be my luck.
Then the anesthesiologist bothered me. He asked if I'd had anesthesia before and if I'd had any trouble with it. I told him last time they said I woke up agitated. He snapped back, "I don't care how you wake up. We can give you more and knock you back out again." I'm not sure if that second sentence is exactly what he said, but his tone pissed me the fuck off.
When back in my room after it was all over, I found a second IV in my other hand. They had told me they would put in after I was asleep, so no biggie. But it wasn't going to be used again after surgery and was very painful, so I asked at least five different people several times if I could have it removed. I think I started asking around 9pm, which was nine hours after surgery was over, and it was finally taken out at 4am. And apparently they had a hard time getting that one in because I have two other insertion spots on that hand and wrist that are majorly bruised and sore. Third time was a charm, I guess?
So after it all I went home and the boyfriend was weird all day, like he always is after I have surgery. He's very standoffish and doesn't console or anything (he says it's because he doesn't like seeing people in pain). He didn't even get me a birthday present. But he has been cooking dinner and doing everything around the house, and I guess that's how he shows his love. And he did get me a card and told me he's ordered a present, so there's that. I did get a call from my peeps at work on speakerphone, which was amazing and probably the highlight of my birthday.
We're not doing anything for Valentine's Day. I pretty much can't anyway. I made him a dirty card but can't follow through on anything in it. Maybe we'll go out to dinner next weekend or something.
I've felt like a bucket of shit since I got home. My back hurts so terribly. The pain wasn't anywhere near this bad after the first surgery, and the meds make me feel so freakin sick. I'm just miserable. And home alone for 12 hours a day. It's awesome.
And the fucking cherry on top came in a text message this morning. One of my "sisters" sent a mass text to her sisters, mother and me just saying Happy Valentine's Day. The mother responded with similar tidings, but of course also had to add in that "to some of the best mommies I know." I guess that didn't apply to me. RUB IT THE FUCK IN, WHY DON'T YOU?!?!
Man I'm bitching a lot. I have so much to be thankful for... I made it through surgery which will hopefully stick this time. My step-dad is still alive for now. I have so many people who love me.
I just physically and emotionally feel like shit, so please excuse me.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Downhill
I don't think that aisle thing is going to happen. He's not doing well. He's miserable and has been ready to "go" for a long time now. He's on a ton of medication so I don't think he's in much pain, but breathing is so very difficult and he's very weak. He's got a catheter so he doesn't have to make the long and slow journey to the bathroom all the time anymore.
I don't know if it's the meds or what, but sometimes he gets so confused and seems to be very foggy. We'll be talking about one thing, and he'll come out of left field with something completely different. Sometimes what he says is just gibberish and makes no sense at all.
It's so hard to see him like that. He keeps saying how he doesn't want us to remember him like this. Whenever he says it, we'll bring up a nice memory from the past to try to cheer him up. Sometimes it works.
He's so ready to go, but his body isn't cooperating yet. The hospice nurse said that it can take a week or two for the body to start shutting down once a person hits the point he's at. We're in the middle of week two now, I believe. She comes again today, and it'll be interesting to hear what she has to say.
This is all just so sad! :(
This is all just so sad! :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)