Feeling blah today. Depressing hurricane weather, rude people, MIA boss, stupid argument with the boyfriend... it keeps going.
Some good things: Looking forward to Pancake Wednesday with the previous awesome roommate. Payday this Friday. Charlotte this coming weekend with my mom. And...
Well, the other day. Needed a place to put the sticker, and the vitamin bottle seemed as good as any. Glad I rocked the vote early and don't have to worry about Election Day anymore.
Someone asked the other day: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I replied with 24 or so, but I'm not really sure. I don't always mentally feel like an adult. I sometimes feel old physically though, which is sad. (Hopefully that'll change after more time at the gym!) Some days I'm a teenager, some it's more like an old woman. I guess I'll stick with my own damn near 30.
I think I have a girl crush on this chick right here. She's a strong lady battling endo whose blog I ran across a couple of years ago while immersing myself (well, more like reading and observing) in the online TTC community. Earlier this year I fell behind in my blog reading and have been catching up on hers lately, although I'm only up to August right now.
Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be. While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her. She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.
There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way. And so does that damn ticking clock! I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing. I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.
The fear I'm currently working on. I'm getting out and doing more things. I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better. But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.
Hence the snooze button.
I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.
I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?
It certainly can't hurt to try.
I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.
A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.
Because I didn't want him to leave me.
... or The Breakup Plan. I don't know if either of those are right, but I don't know what else to call it.
We went out to dinner last night and ended up in the beginning of our end. It started over drinks with him trying again to convince me to want to move away, which I know I won't. The main course arrived as we were acknowledging that we aren't going to be together in the long run for that reason and many others. The meal ended with us deciding to enjoy the time we have left together but realizing that a better offer (job, location, person) could come along at any time. Otherwise I guess we'll wait until our lease ends.
At the end of the night I felt okay but this morning I find myself sad. It's like we're closer now that we've been totally honest about everything, even though it was so difficult. It was a mutual decision that had been coming for awhile... from both sides apparently, which I learned last night.
Why do I feel so crappy?
