On Guard

Two months since I've written.  So hard to believe, but... I believe it.  Life was hard for a little while, and I brought it on myself.  As so many stories start out lately... I met this guy.

He was not Mr. Right, but I wanted to give it time to see if he could be because at first (of course) he seemed like almost everything I've been looking for.  During the month we were together we hung out all the time and even took a weekend trip together.  He fell really hard pretty quickly, and I... didn't.  The magic just wasn't there.

Then because of some events from his past that came up and some ways he began to act towards me, I started to wonder if he was legitimately fully sane and became scared about breaking things off.  I knew I needed to before he fell further (and I really should have a lot earlier), but I was kind of frightened of what he might do.  I did it in a very public place for safety.  Drama ensued for two days after, and now, three weeks later, I'm still on guard.

He tried to scare me into getting back together with him.  It was only over texts, but I was nervous.  Enough to call the police.  I've never encountered anyone who would do something like that before, and I was scared for a while.  I bought pepper spray for the first time in my life.  I turned the surveillance system in my house back on.  I kept looking in the rear view mirror to see if anyone was following me as I drove.  Paranoid much?

I still am on guard, but I keep telling myself he wouldn't do anything now.  Because really all he did was text me.  But I know he's going to be working in town sometime soon (he lives about an hour away), and I keep wondering.  You just never know if someone truly does have some sort of mental illness, and something in me just can't let it go yet. 

Reading back over this, it seems so stupid.  But I've just never felt like this before and I hate it.  I'm so ready to move on and feel fully safe again.  I've debated writing about this for awhile now because I'm weird like that.  (What if he somehow finds my totally anonymous blog?  What if he found it on my computer the two minutes he was alone in my room?  And many more...)  But I'm hoping it'll help me get over it as writing about my troubles oftentimes seems to do.

Also I've become lactose intolerant in the past few weeks.  That really fucking sucks too.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

Guilty Conscience

I think one of the worst feelings is guilt.  When you know you've done something wrong and there's nothing you can do to take it back.  I hate that feeling.  I hate knowing I've caused someone else pain.  Even if it seemed okay under the circumstances at the time, it wasn't.  And I knew it.  And I feel terrible.

It happened well over a year ago and I had come to terms with it.  I had mostly allowed myself to actually forgive myself, knowing I would never do it again.  And I haven't since then.  But new light was shed upon the old situation today, and my mind went right back there.  Right back to when I did wrong and now I feel like shit for it all over again.  I feel like a terrible person.  I feel like karma's a bitch, and I deserve every bad thing that's happened since then.

Maybe I do.

Nothing like that will ever happen again.  The best thing I can do is enforce that and try to make the right choices in each tricky situation.  I don't want to feel like this again.

I'm a Killer

I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.

A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.

Because I didn't want him to leave me.

What happened was...

A week ago today I let someone kiss me who shouldn't have.  Someone who is very much off the market but certainly doesn't act like it.  I knew he was off-limits, but let him kiss me anyway.  Several times.  I was drunk.  I was lonely.  He was gorgeous.  It was hard to say no to the beautiful man trying to seduce me.  It was obvious he hadn't been faithful to his other half for a very long time.  He said they had an "understanding", a relationship of convenience of sorts, but he was drunk too.  I didn't believe him when he said it and I still don't.

He fell asleep on my bed.  I slept in the living room.  I woke up to a text from him asking, "Where are you?"   As the morning progressed he tried putting the moves on again, but I was much more clearheaded.  He was quite persistent and didn't seem to understand why I wouldn't have sex with him.

Ugh.  I still feel guilty, but I know it was a drunken mistake that I've learned from and will not be repeating, so I'm trying to let it go.

Too much alcohol...

...and the stupid things it will make you do.  Well, not make you do, but give you more courage to do.  Things you would never do sober.  Things that go against your personal moral code.  Things that you regret when the buzz wears off.

That said... I did something stupid last night.  Something stupid and wrong.  The absolute worst part is that I knew it was wrong and did it anyway.  Thanks, alcohol.  I debated with myself the entire time, trying to talk myself out of it, but did it anyway.  I feel like such a terrible person now.  It's not so bad compared to what others do, but it goes against what I believe.  I never thought I would be the kind of person to do something like that.

That said... I feel so weak.  I've felt that way for such a long time and just wanted to feel better.  The opportunity presented itself and I took it.  Honestly, I did feel better.  I felt reassured.  Now I feel awful.