Early Experiences

When I was somewhere around five or six years old a stranger made a snide comment to me in the middle of a mall, and I think it scarred me some. I was there with my mother and grandmother, and we ran into a sweet old lady who lived across the street from us. My grandmother had taken a dish over to her a few days or so before, and for some reason I asked her, “When are you going to give us our bowl back?”. Definitely kinda rude, but hey, I was little and didn’t really know any better. My mom got really mad. She took me aside, sat me on a stool and scolded me in front of everyone in that area of the mall. Sensitive kid that I was, I started to cry. And I cried some more after she walked back over to the neighbor. As I was sitting there, crying, a woman who hadn’t seen or heard any of what happened was passing by. She looked right at me, narrowed her eyes and nastily said to me, “Spoiled brat!” I can only assume she thought I was crying because my mom wouldn’t buy me a toy or something. I don’t really know but I’ve kept that with me all these years.

I’ve been thinking about my past a lot lately. Things like that when I was really young. I keep wondering how much of what you experience when you’re tiny sticks with you and contributes to who you are as an adult.

When I was in first grade I had a few friends in my class and a crush on one of them… a little boy named Lucas. One day one of those other friends, a boy named Timothy, came up to me and asked if I liked anyone. I didn’t want to say, but he kept assuring me that he wouldn’t tell anyone. So I did, and of course like little boys do, he did. He went right over to Lucas and told him. I was mortified. Lucas made a face, and they both started laughing. I remember that being the day I realized I couldn’t really trust anyone. First grade… how sad is that?

I wonder if my social anxiety comes from occurrences like those. I get embarrassed just thinking back on them. I remember it really kicking in during second grade. We moved to a new town, and I started school in the middle of the year. No one really liked me. I dreaded going and faked being sick all the time, but my mom only bought it every now and then. The summer after that I was enrolled in a YMCA summer day camp during the week. Every day I dreaded walking into that building. While all the other kids were playing together with toys on the far side of the room, I would hang out in the book section on the opposite end and read, or pretend to just so I looked busy and content by myself. One of the counselors came up to me one day and asked if I wanted to play with the other kids, and I said I was fine reading. I remember thinking that I wanted to more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk over there. I never had anything to say and no one ever wanted to play with me anyway.

I’m still like that. I’ve been like that so long now that I don’t know how to be any other way. I want to more than anything, but I’m not sure I ever will. I keep hoping these anti-depressants will magically help, but I don’t think they work that way. I don’t even know exactly what I’ve been expecting them to do, but I’m not sure they’re doing it. I don't even know if they'll work at all since it's an experimental drug. Maybe they are working, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel just fine, but then I get a day like today where I’m paranoid and all over the place. Maybe the upped dosage will kick in soon and help some.

Happy Things

Hope everyone had a magical holiday! We awoke Christmas morning to a winter wonderland! It had snowed overnight (in Mississippi!) making for a white Christmas! It was so thrilling! We immediately took the dogs outside, and they had a blast romping in it all. We cooked some wonderful food and had a very relaxing day. It was perfect.

Santa was good to me! I got the camera I wanted! My wonderful husband and parents went in on it together, and I absolutely love it. I took a ton of pictures and can’t wait to sit down and learn all the ins and outs of it!

My wonderful husband gave me kind of a late Christmas gift last night. He was at work and sent me a text completely out of the blue.

"I think we should do your surgery.”

I didn’t really know how to respond to it, but said “Okay baby. We can talk when you get home. Everything ok?”

“Yep, I just want a family with you.”

How amazing is he?! When he got home he was telling me how everyone at work was talking about how great Christmas with their kids was, and how he wanted to have that. I got so excited. We were both exhausted last night and he’s got a crazy week, so we’re going to talk about it this weekend. I contacted the Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta for some info because if I have surgery it’s going to be done by a specialist who actually knows about the condition/disease and the right way to go about it. They do free phone consultations and could give me a price quote during it. I hope they have a payment plan.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, and we’ll probably talk ourselves out of it again because we’re still nowhere close to being financially ready, but it’s just so exciting to think about TTC again! To find out the status of my insides where the endo is concerned.

But I also wonder if it’s a mistake to jump right into surgery. We only tried for nine months… should we try longer and see if anything happens? I’d definitely want the husband to do the semen analysis before surgery… I hope he’d be on board with that. Should we try the Clomid for a few months like my lady doctor wanted first? Although I really don’t see that helping as I have always ovulated on my own. And I think she just wanted us to give it a try before sending me to an endo specialist, because she knows it’s pricey and I’m insuranceless. I just don’t know.

If we do decide to start TTC again I’ll have to leave the depression study. I’d be okay with that though because I think stopping TTC is what brought on this last bout of it all. I had another appointment yesterday, and they upped my dosage. I was feeling a little better on the lower dose, but not as much as they’d like. So up I go.

My mind is racing with all this. This weekend can’t get here fast enough.

Christmas Party

Saturday night we went to a work Christmas party for the husband and the roommate. The husband had a bad day at work that morning and wasn’t sure he even really wanted to go. We decided to make a quick appearance though just so he’d be seen, so we got all dolled up and headed over. The four restaurants closed early at nine, which is when the party started. Knowing no one would be there at nine (didn’t they figure in clean-up time and that people would want to shower and change after work?), we arrived around 10:45 and stayed a little over an hour or so. The chef they work for has four restaurants, so there were a lot of people there. It was pretty nice and very festively decorated. There was good food and free drinks. Some guy younger than me called me sweetheart… blech.

I saw a famous movie star, and she was sneaking a smoke inside listening to the band. I can’t figure out why she would want to go to a small town work Christmas party though. I guess she lives around town because the roommate has seen her at a local bar before. Maybe she was invited by a friend. Maybe celebrities flock together… I guess the chef could be considered a celebrity in the cooking world.

I was more preoccupied with how all the women there were in teeny tiny miniskirt dresses, and how I was one of only two or three wearing pants. Dress pants, but still. They all looked to be really early twenty-somethings with teeny tiny little bodies, so why not I guess. But I wouldn’t have worn something like that even if I’d had a body similar to theirs when I was that age. I did flaunt (well, a little) what I do have to work with now which is huge boobs (thanks to the damn birth control), which make for nice cleavage. Most of their skimpy dresses were conservative in the chest area, so I got to show them up there. Ha, take that, little girls.

♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♫

It has been for awhile now, and we love it! We started decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving, and the house has had a festive spirit ever since.

We weren't planning on having a tree this year. Our old little one didn't make it onto the moving truck this past summer, and we had decided to wait until we were at a more permanent residence to get another. But it didn't really feel like Christmas without a tree, and the husband surprised me with a huge 7.5-foot one!

And now there are a few presents under it waiting patiently to be opened.

We decided to put up just a few lights outside also, to make it festive on the outside too. We weren't sure how this would go without a ladder, but the husband and roommate made it work with some creative climbing up onto the roof, and it looks great!

Can't wait for Christmas!

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

Virtual Preggo Eggos and Actual Creaking Knees

It seems like every two to three weeks someone announces they’re preggo on facebook. Most of these people I haven’t seen since high school, and even then we weren’t great friends, but it still hurts to see all the time. Another one of those came yesterday morning. Then yesterday evening I was watching one of my regular shows and one of the main characters found out she was pregnant. She and her somewhat estranged husband had been trying for maybe a month or two, and I’m thinking the “session” that got her knocked up was (impromptu and awkward in a boat house!) a kinda angry make up sex thing, she thought, and a whatever kind of thing in his mind. I think... it’s all very confusing. Anyways, I totally know that these are fictional characters and none of it is real, but I absolutely LOST IT as I was watching.

It got me thinking how often that really happens… plan to have a baby (or not!), have sex whenever they feel like it for a few months, sometimes only once or twice, then BAM… it happens. When for so many other people, they have to deal with medical conditions getting the way, plan their lives around fertile times, obsess about when to have sex, how often is too often or it not happening often enough, etc. It just stinks that it’s so difficult for some people. I’m still angry that it didn’t work so easily for us. I know I sound like a broken record.

Onto other things. I’m out of the study I was in… apparently I wasn’t depressed or suicidal enough for it. But I’m into another for moderate depression now. I’m guaranteed the actual drug for twelve weeks, then I’ll either stay on it or get a placebo for the rest of the trial, the decision of which is completely random and neither I nor the doctor will know which I’m taking. Sounds so freaky.

Oh, and they told me my cholesterol is high. How freakin old am I?! My back hurts, my knees creak when I squat down, I can’t hear sometimes, I need to get a stronger prescription for my reading glasses, and now I have to eat a shit-ton of oatmeal. Seriously, on paper I could pass for 57 instead of 27.

A Kind-Hearted Stranger

Thursday we had a little bit of a scare. That afternoon the husband and I headed out to run a few errands, and right as we were getting into town he got a call. The number was unrecognized, but thankfully he decided to answer.

“Hey, I just picked your dog up off the highway.”

WHAT?!?! They talked for a minute, and the guy said the dog was okay and he was calling the number on its tag. OH MY GOD!!! How did she get out??? The husband whipped the car around, and we had the longest ten minute drive back towards our house ever! We were running through the possible situations as we drove. We saw her sitting in the kitchen when we left, and I closed and locked the door behind me. Did a window break?? Did someone break in and leave the door open??

Finally we pulled up to the spot where the guy was at, and sure enough he had our dog! I began crying immediately, so happy she wasn't hurt. He was soooo nice. He asked if she’d been missing long, and all I could get out was a stammered “No, we just left the house!” and a whole bunch of thank yous over and over. You could see our house from there, so he must have picked her up right after she got out. Thank goodness for people like him!

So we started driving back to the house, still panicked because we figured if the dog was out, the cat must have gotten out also (the new puppy was in his crate, thank goodness!!). As we neared the house we saw the door was open, and thankfully the cat was just hanging out in the front yard. I thought he would have taken the opportunity to run, but I guess he truly is my sweet, lazy housecat. We parked a bit up the road and calmly walked up to him. His fur was all puffed out and he was totally freaked. I grabbed him, and the husband checked out the house, which was empty of burglars and nothing was missing.

We examined the door, and apparently the latch had somehow broken and didn't catch when we shut it. Geez. The door now stays dead bolted, and I've been trying to get the maintenance man to call me back.

I feel so lucky. This could have turned out a lot worse. All night, all the “what ifs” kept running through my head, but luckily we don’t have to worry about that and everyone is safe at home.

Passed out together, happy and safe at home.

Can't have a baby, so we got a puppy...

That wasn’t our reasoning at all, but we did get a puppy. An adorably sweet puppy that has helped to cheer us all up, especially me. He came from the shelter sick so he’s required extra attention and care, and I feel like I’ve gotten to “mother” him. He falls asleep in my arms and whimpers when I’m not in sight. He makes me feel needed and like I have a purpose again. It’s sad that it’s taken a dog to do that. He’s only been with us a few days, but I already can’t imagine our house without him. He’s brought some excitement back into it.

I'm In

Into the study that is. I went back last week on the day before Thanksgiving (crazy traffic!), and my drug test came back negative (I was too paranoid to take anything, even cold medicine or ibuprofen, that whole week before), so I’m in. I went back yesterday for my first real study appointment.

I had to fast for it. My appointment was at one, but they didn’t do the physical and everything that goes with it until around three thirty. I’m not one to miss meals often so I was HUNGRY! Afterwards they gave me a tiny bag of chips and a Coke.

The rest of the appointment was rough. I did a phone interview with an automated dude on the other end about suicide. I talked to two very nice ladies, with a third observing, for a couple of hours and had to answer some very personal questions about a lot of aspects of my mental state that I normally wouldn’t ever discuss with anyone. I cried whenever the questions hit on an extra sensitive subject. It was really awkward discussing all these personal things with complete strangers just staring at me. I felt like they were judging me, but I guess that’s their job. It was all really embarrassing.

But it was worth it. I was given study drugs and I started taking them last night. I hope they help. So now I have a standing appointment once a week for a few weeks, then every two weeks until the three month mark when the study is over.

They decided since I’m not a druggie in one sense they can give me drugs of another kind. I just think that’s funny.

A pity party, a recap, and a plan...

Why do I get so worked up and jealous over other people’s lives and situations? I guess it’s just because they get to have what I want, and for a lot of them it seems to come so easy. Am I ever going to get over it? For the next year or so before we start trying again and however long before we actually do get pregnant, am I going to turn into some crazy sad lady with a ruined day(s) every time I hear someone I know is knocked up? Cause that’s going to be a lot of ruined days if so, and I don’t want that. I want to be genuinely happy for them without the resentment behind it. I’ll have to work on that.

On to happier things now. We had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you all did too. We stayed home, had a friend over and cooked a huge meal. We got a fresh turkey from a local farm this year, and it was delicious. I made my first completely from scratch pecan pie, and it turned out pretty well. I also made bread, cranberry waldorf, and mozzarella and parmesan mashed potatoes. The husband did the turkey, Brussels sprouts with bacon, gravy, and made cornbread which the roommate turned into dressing. The friend made veggie and goat cheese fritters. I love goat cheese.

My pretty pie

Part of the spread

They guys cooking.  I know it's weird,
but we're going for anonymity here.

The husband is working fourteen hours straight today, so I’m going to fill my time with Christmas decorating (if I can manage to find time during this pity party I’m throwing!). We’d had a little 3-foot fake tree in the past, but we ran out of room in the moving truck this summer, so it got left behind. We decided not to get another one until we’re settled somewhere for the long haul, so I’m just going to string lights up around the rooms and maybe hang some ornaments from those. We’ve still got our pretty wreath to go on the front door, and that’s one of my favorite Christmas things we have.

The husband wants to put lights up (tastefully) on the outside of the house too. None of our parents approved of that kind of thing when we were kids, but we’d both always wanted to, so we decided to go ahead and do it this year now that we're in an actual house. We've been in either a duplex, a townhouse or an apartment every previous Christmas. Wow... since we've been together we've lived in a different place every Christmas. Huh. Anyways, we don’t have a ladder, so it should be interesting.

Happy start to the holidays! This is my favorite time of year. I can't wait to write Christmas cards!

Sometimes I wish I could see the future...

I’m sad today and scared. I’ve been thinking about the endo a lot lately, and I’m scared of the unknown aspects of it. I’m scared because I don’t know if it’s there (other than in the pachingo) and if it is, how much damage it’s done. I’m scared because it’s going to be a very, very long time before I can get a lap to find out. I’m scared that by then it will have done too much damage for me to have a child naturally. I’m scared I may never get to live out my dream of being a mother. That terrifies me and saddens me horribly.

When I think of the future now, I don’t know how to picture it. In the past I’ve always pictured a big happy family, but now it’s different. All I see is a big unanswered question. I’m not certain that children will be there now, and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel empty.

They think I'm a druggie...

I drove to Memphis this afternoon and had the initial evaluation at the clinical trial place, and it went okay. I guess. I arrived to an empty waiting room and was only in there a minute before I was escorted back and briefly interviewed. Apparently they don’t have any social anxiety trials open now, but the lady thought I would be good for one of their depression ones. After the interview I peed in a cup, had my blood pressure taken and was led back into her office. She sat down, looked at my file and said, “Well, your drug test came back positive for opiates and methamphetamine.”

Damn, they got me.

AS IF! All I could think about was freakin poppy seeds, which I haven't had any of. My face went blank and all I could manage to get out was a stammered “What?” as I saw her looking at me trying to figure out if I was lying to her. I told her about the cold I’m just now getting over, and she asked about all the medicines I’ve been taking. Then she disappeared to talk to the lab person again. When she returned she said that the opiates thing was a mistake and that the Nyquil I took could have caused the methamphetamine positive. So I get to go back next week and pee in a cup again. Oh joy.

I feel like this isn’t a great start for me there.

If I do get into the trial, it’s possible I might only get a placebo. That would suck. It was a nice three hour round trip drive though.

Rejection

Great.

The only prescription medication I’m on is freakin birth control to keep the endo from getting worse, and it costs a whopping forty bucks a month. Oh my, what a high cost for them. Not that they would even be paying for it because it wouldn’t come anywhere close to the deductible. Geez. I certainly don’t know much about insurance company policies, but come on. I guess I can't really say anything about the endo, not that I could if I wanted to. It's a shame though.

So no luck on that front, but maybe on another. I’ve been wanting to see a psychiatrist for awhile now. Everything just seems to be building up again, and I’m breaking down on a regular basis. It feels hard to get through each day. Remembering the $300+ per session quote from a doctor I called several years ago, I figured I’d just have to talk to a counselor. But I really think that I need some sort of pharmaceutical help too. I’ve been trying to deal with all my crap since high school, with some stuff from way earlier than that playing a part, and I haven’t really been getting anywhere in all these years.

Yesterday I saw a commercial for a place in Memphis that does clinical trials for new medicines. This particular commercial was for depression, and it really felt like a sign. They pay for everything and even reimburse you for travel, which would be nice since I’m an hour and a half away. So I looked them up, and they do trials for all sorts of conditions including social anxiety, which has been my main problem since I was really young. I filled out a form and I have an appointment for an initial evaluation tomorrow. That seemed too easy. I hope it’s legit and that it works out. This would be so awesome if it does. I’m not sure if therapy-type sessions would be included, but if they’re not and I still wanted to talk, I could go to a counselor here that’s about $60 per session. Much more doable.

I’m definitely nervous about potentially taking a medicine that’s not fully approved yet. I was in a trial for Yaz a few years ago to see if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale (four periods a year), and it went really well. Yaz was already FDA approved though, so I felt it would be pretty safe. Apparently it caused a ton of problems based on the commercials I’ve seen lately, but I was always fine on it. It was nice to get a year’s worth of free birth control and regular exams then, and it would be nice to be able to do something similar now too. This one would come with a whole mental and physical exam, the latter I haven’t had since before I was old enough to remember having one.

Wish me luck please.

Happy Birthday Marine Corps!

Happy 235th Birthday to the Marine Corps today and Happy Veterans Day tomorrow to all who have served and are currently serving. The husband was a Marine for five years, and I am very appreciative to him and to everyone in the armed forces for doing what they do. I am proud to be married to a Marine and to know so many fine young service men and women. Thank you for what you do! You are all my heroes! Semper Fi and Oorah!

Things we made this weekend...

 

Friday we carved up a pretty pumpkin face. Or not so pretty. We wanted to create our own "puking pumpkin", and I think he turned out pretty well. The husband and the roommate each did an eye, and I did the nose and mouth. I definitely got the easy part, as the eyes proved to be quite difficult. We sat him out on the front porch, and apparently he had a little too much fun overnight. We woke up the next morning to a not so pretty sight. I guess he and his pumpkin friends had a little party. Looks like we missed a good time.

Saturday evening I got to baking again. I'd seen some pictures of braided challah bread and wanted to give it a try. The recipe was for two loaves, but I decided to make it one ginormous loaf. I chose a basic recipe for my first attempt, so it didn't have a lot of flavor but it looked beautiful! It rose up so nicely and was perfectly fluffy on the inside. Oh how I love when baking experiments turn out well!

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

Creepy Crawly Things

I am so damn tired of spiders!! They’re absolutely everywhere! I know, I know… they’re more scared of you than you are of them, they won’t bother you if you leave them alone… I’ve heard it all and I don’t buy any of it. I used to attempt to be of the mindset that they’ll go along their merry way if you let them, but that quickly changed when we moved here. These are crazy scary looking and freakin huge. I can’t stand to look at pictures online for more than a minute or so (and even then I’ve got my hand over my eyes and I’m just barely peeking out), but from what I’ve seen ours look just like brown recluses.

There’s a section of woods right behind our house, so it’s understandable that we’d have some inside. But this is an invasion. We put glue boards down around the baseboards and we’re catching a ton and still finding a ton more crawling around at night. More than once I’ve come close to stepping on one when walking down the dark hallways. We’ve each taken a few turns dreaming about them at night and waking up thinking they’re on us. It’s icky.

"Brown Recluse spiders are the Navy seals, the Green Berets...and
the Top Guns of the spider world."

Kansas State University - Brown Recluse Research Project

I totally believe it and I think ours are getting stronger and stealthier by the day. One was on a sticky board the other morning, all good and stuck right. Then a few hours later… POOF!... he was gone. Just like that. Not cool, spider, not cool.

I hate when the guys are gone and I have to get one. First I have to give myself a little pep talk, and then when it’s all over and done with I prance about like the girl I am doing the icky dance. It involves me hopping from one foot to the other going “Ewwww! Ewwww! Ewwww!” When the husband’s home I usually jump up on the couch (or chair, or counter, etc…) and refuse to come down. It’s an effective method because after first looking at me like I’m nuts, he does in fact get the spider. Go husband.

Sweet dreams!

The Park

I found an awesome park the other day and took the poochie there this morning. We had to go to the vet first for some of her routine stuff, and then we headed over. It is huge, wide open and absolutely beautiful! There’s a walking path, a lake and picnic tables scattered all about. I wasn’t really dressed for serious walkin’, so we just took a little stroll around. There were clouds floating along in the sky and a perfect gentle breeze. Her ears starting flapping all about whenever it picked up a little, which was adorable. We wandered through a good part of the park, and it made for a very nice morning.

Like always, we got some weird looks as people passed by. I guess it’s because she’s so uniquely patterned that people are trying to figure out what kind of dog she is. Or maybe just because we’re both so beautiful that they can’t help but admire. ;) Although we don't always get happy glances. Once when we were living in Charlotte, the husband and I were taking her to the dog park and we walked by a family headed back to their car. As we passed by one lady remarked, “That’s an ugly little dog!” I couldn’t believe it! Our poochie’s poor little puppy ears! I wanted to turn around and say, “That’s an ugly little kid.” Not really, but you know. How rude!

Anyways, I’m very excited to have stumbled upon this park and I can’t wait to take the poochie and the husband back on his next day off! Maybe we’ll even have a little picnic.

Illogically talking myself back into it...

I can’t seem to let go of the photography thing. It’s gone past just the camera now... I’m starting to seriously consider it as a profession. The more I think about it, the more I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve only seriously considered one other thing as a possible long-term profession, and that was being a pastry chef about two years ago.

The husband had just been accepted into culinary school, and I thought about how much I’ve always loved to bake. Plus it would have been cool to be in school together. Anyways, I thought about it for a long while, but ultimately decided against it because as much as I love to bake, I hate being in the kitchen. Period. I get so freakin frustrated sometimes that I warn the husband to stay out. I couldn’t imagine myself voluntarily in a kitchen for the rest of my life. That and it would have cost about $30,000 (we got so lucky the GI Bill covered it for the husband!), which was just not going to happen. 

The money issue is the only thing holding me back this time around, because I really feel like I could do it. I found a program that’s a thirtieth of the previous price (just thought that would be fun to say), but there’s no way we could swing that or the cost of a camera now. It’s an online institute (yeah, yeah I know… but I actually talked to some people that have done it and they loved it), which I think I would do so much better at than going to a physical school. I was never good at that with the whole social anxiety thing. I seriously don’t think I could bear it having pictures I took being put up in front of an entire class to be critiqued/criticized. Plus with this you go at your own pace and have your own personal tutor who grades and critiques. I think it would be awesome.

A few of the stones we made

I want an artsy job where I can be creative. When I was in high school, some friends and I made stained glass stepping stones, and it was awesome. We even had our own little business we named “The Glass Menagerie” and we sold our stuff at local festivals. I loved it so much. I always had tiny cuts all over my fingers, and we had a scary glass cutting machine we lovingly named “The Monster”, but I loved actually making something. Creating something with my own two hands. I know taking pictures isn’t actually making anything other than pictures, but I’ve always loved it and found it to be a very creative outlet. While I was searching for this picture just now, I found a lot more that I took in high school. Even then I was trying to get creative and make them look good. Another one for my “One Day” list I suppose.

I hope he didn't get a ticket...

You know that scene from The Office where Michael is running down the road in front of the office building past one of those “Your speed is” indicators for cars? I totally saw some college kids doing that today, and it was fantastic. The town put one of those devices up about a mile down the road from our house, and I happened to drive past it on the way home. My insurance company would be proud… I was actually going the speed limit.
 

Anyways, I noticed two college-aged guys standing at the intersection about twenty feet in front of it, looking like they were about to cross the street. Then as I passed them, in my rearview I saw one kid start hauling ass down the road, looking like he was chasing after me. I was totally taken off guard at first and wondered why the hell he was chasing my car. Did I run over something? Did I go through a puddle and splash them? Then I remembered the speed radar thing and started laughing my ass off! It was priceless! I wonder how fast he was going?

Angry

I find myself a little angry today. I logged into Facebook when I got up this morning and discovered that yet another friend is pregnant. That makes about four friends in the past couple of months. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for her and for all of them, but I thought the dreaded “Why not me?” again. That questioning only lasted a few seconds as I quickly remembered that we’re not even trying right now. And I’m on freakin birth control. Duh, of course not me. Then I remembered why.

Then I got angry. Angry that I have this stupid condition. Angry that we can’t afford the treatment for it. Angry that it costs so much in the first place. Angry that it’s taking the insurance company so long to decide if I’m worth covering. Angry that I don’t have a job. Angry that the place I applied yesterday turned out to be the children’s clinic I’d chosen to go to if we did have a baby. Angry that the one thing I’ve ever really wanted I can’t have and won’t even be able to try for again for a very, very long time. Angry that I have no one to talk to about all this.

Then the internet went out again and I got angry about that. So I decided to make ciabatta bread, and the stickiness of the dough pissed me off, and I ended up angry at that. Then angry at myself for getting flour all over the kitchen, which I don’t normally do. And it just kept going and rolling downhill after that. I’m tired of being angry.

This next thing I wasn’t angry about, but sad. I told the husband about the camera yesterday, and the look on his face very rightly and understandably said, “Ha, you’re dreaming.” Then I came back down to reality. We’re supposed to be paying off debts and saving up for possible surgery and pregnancy down the road… how could I forget about that? And then I felt guilty. I guess I’m just looking for something else to wish for for right now, to try to forget what I really wish for. Does that make sense? I guess it’s good to dream… just have to dream for something more practical.

To end this on a positive note, the cable company guy came out and had the internet back up within an hour of when I called. That’s crazy awesome, and crazy unheard of!!

New Love and New Obsessions

Yes, I am in love once again. My wonderful husband is still my number one love and obsession and always will be, but a new object of desire has found its way into my heart. It’s a camera. When the in-laws came this past weekend they brought their very nice Nikon, and my heart became all aflutter as I played with it. I’ve always wanted a really nice camera with a big lens that I could manually focus, and deep down I’ve always thought that if I had one I could attempt to be a photographer. I’ve had a couple of little digital cameras, but they’ve never held up for very long. And thinking that the nice ones were waaay too expensive, I’ve never even tried to entertain the thought that we could ever have one. Until now.

Of course I went online looking for one and found the perfect one. It would be expensive for us, but it’s not badly priced for what I consider a nice camera at all. It’s beautiful! I’m going to try to convince the wonderful, kind, generous, handsome husband I have (Can you tell he reads this?) that it could be a Christmas and birthday gift (my b-day’s in February) rolled into one that could probably be split with my parents. It could even count as next year’s anniversary gift (in May… a stretch, I know). I know it’s a lot and I totally don’t need or deserve it… I’m still not contributing any money to this family (although I'm applying for another job today… fingers crossed!) and the husband’s moo-lah will be paying for all the holiday gifts this year, including his… but a girl can dream.


Another new obsession that the rest of the household is sharing with me is The Price Is Right game on Facebook. All three of us log in on our respective computers and play together online. It sounds really dorky, but it’s freakin fantastic! The husband and the roommate continuously bash each other on the general chat, but it’s amusing knowing the rest of the people there are just trying to play a game and thinking “What the hell is wrong with them?”.

When your bid is the closest and you hear “YOU WIN! Come on down!”… wow, nothing beats it. That rarely happens because I’m constantly underbidding on crazy expensive items (I would never pay $3000 for one little chair), which makes it that much better when I actually do get it right. Then I win a pricing game! Then I win the showcase!! Oh wow, I just won $50,000 worth of pretend cash and prizes! Well, that’s only happened once, but it TOTALLY rocked. Am I a dork? I don’t think so because The Price Is Right is the best game show ever, right? Right?

They're not from around these parts...

The visit with the in-laws was really nice and pretty funny at times. I got to take them in the back door where the husband works and they got to see him in action cooking. The father-in-law was a proud papa after that! We ate at two of the restaurants the chef owns. They got a tour of a third and the smokehouse and cheese operation they run. We had a cookout at home and watched football. It was rather relaxing.

She got really excited to see cotton, 
so we had to pull over :)

They’re northerners and seem to think that southerners are a different species. I was born and raised in the south, so it was amusing to listen to. They asked me if I thought Mississippi southerners were any different than North Carolina southerners. The stepmother-in-law was constantly in awe of how everyone down here has a truck. We went shopping downtown and she commented whenever she heard someone with a thick southern accent. We visited a little country store which was closed and the owner was so sweet to open up for us. When we left, the father-in-law remarked, “Now THAT was a good ‘ol boy!”

A few years ago I drove to northern Ohio in the winter to visit the husband (who was then the boyfriend), and even now the father-in-law recounts the tale he made up of how I was questioning my sanity to drive up there in the snow. Oh yeah, he thought I’d never seen snow before either. I had always been a little taken aback by him, but now I think it’s endearing. Family’s funny like that. They used to drive me crazy, but now I miss them like crazy.

This and That

So the in-laws are coming tomorrow. And the roommate’s parents arrive Saturday. No special occasion, just a coincidence that they want to visit their offspring the same weekend. What am I doing? Lots of cleaning and a little freaking out. I’m so scared all these parents are going to be like “Well you’re not working, so what do you do all day?” if the house isn’t completely spotless. I started earlier this week and plan on devoting the rest of today to finishing the scrub down.

The main thing I’m worried about is the roommate’s bathroom… it’s freakin scary in there. The shower is moldy/mildewey and the smell is terrible. I tried to be diplomatic, asking if I could “girly” up the room while the parents are visiting, since it is technically our guest bathroom too, and he said he’d clean it first. I got so happy! I hope he actually follows through, or else I’m just going to crack the door, stick my arm in and wave the bleach bottle around hoping it’ll splash in the right places. Not really, but you know.

Reese's Cake

I made a fantastic cake for the roommate’s birthday Tuesday. I call it a Reese’s cake… chocolate with peanut butter icing and Reese’s Cups bits sprinkled on top. It was yummy! The cake recipe is the one the husband and I used to make our wedding cake, and it brought back memories of standing in his dad’s kitchen making and wasting multiple batches because they kept sticking in the pans. I made some ice cream too and it worked out pretty well. I’d never made ice cream with eggs before, and it was so creamy!

Petting the pig

The husband and I and a friend went to a local farm yesterday. We’ve still been trying to get most of our food from local and organic sources, and this farm has some great stuff. They raise their own chickens, goats, cows and pigs. They make awesome goat cheese and have delicious eggs. When we first pulled up, a big intimidating black dog walked right up to my car door and didn’t look like she would let me out. Turns out she was an old softy just saying hello. There were also numerous chickens and ducks on patrol. 

We had made an appointment earlier in the week with the farmer, but I guess the message wasn’t passed on to the lady of the farm, as she had no idea we were coming. She was so sweet though and her four children running around looked so happy. It would be nice to grow up like that. We ended up getting several chickens, a couple dozen eggs and some breakfast sausage, then headed back home. On the way, we had to pull over to have the husband’s picture taken with a big pig we’d seen on the way in. :)

Welcome Autumn

I think the fall is a little bit magical. There’s something about the air getting a little crisper that gives me hope. The oppression of the thick summer air has gone and has been replaced with a freshness that makes me feel that anything is possible. This time of year always has a way of making me feel a little better inside, no matter what’s going on in life at the time. It feels like a new beginning, and I get excited about the future. When I picture that future now, I see it with children every time.

I see it with my children.

I see little ones in costumes hoping that the next house will give out the good candy. I see tall piles of leaves being scattered about as a belly flop lands right in the middle. I see a big family gathering around a really long table, passing down the mashed potatoes. I see trips to Grandma’s and knowing that she’s going to spoil like crazy. I see all of us sitting in pajamas at the foot of the Christmas tree gently shaking a present, trying to guess what’s inside. All the cliché stuff I guess, but that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted.

I think of all of that, and it gives me something to strive towards. I know I’m going to have that one day, and it keeps me going.

Doughy Goodness

I made some gorgeous bread today, better than any I’ve made before! I started out making a double batch so I could freeze one. I soon realized that the mixer’s bowl would not hold the ten cups of flour called for, so two individual batches it was! The yeast looked great from the get go, all nice and foamy. Then the rise seemed almost instant! I’ve never had dough rise that much. I usually put it in the laundry room, covered, on top of the running dryer to create a warm, optimal rising environment. Well, I had the windows open because it was a beautiful day and the oven on for another baking experiment, so it was pretty warm all over the house anyway. Maybe that helped? It was a different kind of flour, so maybe that was it? Ooooh, or the whole milk instead of reduced fat? I really don’t know what made the difference, but I’m definitely going to try to recreate it next week! I’m all giddy... successful baking makes me happy!

Before

After :)

Acceptance

I beginning to see once again how things usually work out for the best. I think I'm finally actually accepting and truly believing that this TTC break is the right choice. I went through my own little version of the stages of grief, and I'm happy to say that I think I'm finally done with grieving and am accepting our decision. After we sat down and made that decision, the whole rest of the day I was in complete denial about it. I knew we had to wait, but I didn't truly believe that we would. The next few weeks brought depression, anger and guilt all mixed together. This whole year I've been focusing on making my lifelong dream a reality, and I was destroyed that it had to be put on hold and angry that it had come to this. I felt guilty that I haven't been working for so long and haven't been able to contribute anything to the household (other than lots of cleaning) or our financial situation. I felt even more lost inside. After months of primarily thinking about cycle charting, optimizing fertile times, lines on sticks, researching symptoms, etc., I didn't know how to think of anything else.

The past few days though I've started daydreaming about what I want and where I want us to be when we have a child. I want the husband to be further into his career and feeling more comfortable in it. Where he is now is more of a stepping-stone to where he wants to be. This chef has the name recognition that will help in the future and is giving him an opportunity to gain valuable experience and to figure out the direction he wants to go. I want me to be feeling more confident in myself and my abilities. I'm tired of feeling worthless and unable. I need to find something that will help me rebuild my self-esteem and feel worthy of what I want.

When I think of the future I picture the husband and me sitting on the floor in a living room playing with our children when they're young. I see days in the park or at the beach, full of laughter and play. I see our son riding the dog and our little girl with lipstick all over her face. I see us as grandparents with everyone coming home and gathering together for the holidays, telling stories and reminiscing.

I want us to be able to have that. This next year is a necessary step to making that possible, and I can now accept that.

Watch out... she's on the drugs!

So it's been three weeks since I started back on birth control. I'm on the generic for Seasonale, so we're aiming for four periods a year. I was in a medical study for Yaz a few years ago that was trying to determine if it could be used and marketed like Seasonale. I don't know whether Yaz just doesn't work like that or if it just didn't for me, but I never made it three months without a period.

Now I'm back wondering if I can use a birth control like this. I've been spotting for nine days now. I know you can have breakthrough bleeding, especially during the first month or two, but I don't know if it's my body getting used to it or if it's what's at the back of my pachingo still causing problems. I can tell you that I'm definitely having other side effects! My (.)(.)s [boobs... always thought that was an awesome "emoticon" for them] hurt like hell!! This better wear off soon, because I don't think I can take it much longer!

The crazy's coming back too, I can feel it. It's like a switch is flipped, it's that instant. Poor husband... it's been mostly switched on him lately. Something inside just takes over and I can't get control back to try to get over whatever is making me upset. I think the worst part is knowing that I should not be as upset as I am, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I can be like that even off of the pill, but it seems to be exacerbated when on it. I don't have the best self-esteem and I think that mixes with my social anxiety to make me one nervous person.

I've been searching for a job here, but I'm terrified that when (hopefully) I get one I won't be able to control my emotions. Sometimes all it takes is someone looking at me the wrong way or having a certain tone in their voice, and the switch is flipped! I hold back the tears for as long as I can, but they always eventually come, and that makes me feel like a failure as an adult. I'm 27... I shouldn't be like that. Back home in NC I was at the same job for seven years, and my co-workers got used to me being so sensitive. But when it happened in front of a client, I was humiliated. I'm so scared about it happening again.