Smoking

I’ve got to stop smoking, but I love it so much! I love the little rush I feel when I smell a freshly opened pack. I look forward to the bit of a “high” I get towards the end of a cigarette and how it forces me to relax. I enjoy the moments when my mind wanders when I’m smoking by myself on the back porch, a few minutes of tanning during the day and then later staring up at the night sky.

I’m not really a big smoker. Well… I have been more so lately, but never more that 5-6 a day. Is that a lot? It’s not like it’s a pack or two like my parents used to do.

I started around five years ago because it was a legal something that calmed me down when I felt I was going to jump out of my skin. Then it was only one or two a few times a month and it stayed that way for several years. It was only when I really needed to.

A few months ago I started more. It started out socially, then increased as the stress level went up. Then it became something to do, a way to pass the time. Now it’s become a mix of all three. I really don’t feel a need to smoke unless I’m getting frustrated. I do have a great desire to smoke whenever the husband and roommate do, whether at home or at a bar having a few drinks. I guess it is mostly social. I like how we talk and open up more when we all go outside for a cigarette, especially at night. We get to know each other better and seem to bond some. I think that’s a big part of why I’m reluctant to give it up… it wouldn’t be the same.

When the husband and I started trying to get pregnant, I only smoked two weeks out of the month. But the months have kept passing with no second pink line, and I’ve been smoking the other two weeks as well. Even though I think our problem so far has been more “user error”, I wonder if I should go ahead and quit. I know my body would appreciate it, and this annoying coughing would go away. Whenever I do get pregnant though, I definitely will quit. I’ll have someone else to bond with then. :)

**Update... As of July 16, 2010 I am a non-smoker! Yay!**

Starry Morning

Stars have a hypnotic affect. We moved here from the city a few weeks ago, and I think I’d forgotten just how many are up there. The buildings and street lights always blocked them out, as if trying to make us forget there is something greater out there and to forever keep us in their grasp. It was a completely different world, and I feel now as though I’ve escaped, although I do at times miss the closeness. But was it really closeness, or were we all just closed in? We seemed to all move together, but really we were each very, very separate and a lot of times going the wrong way.

It’s different here. Although still separate, it feels like we’re all heading in a similar direction. Everyone’s ultimate goal is different, but we all really just want the same thing. I think the stars play a part in that.

I’ve been so focused on the sun since arriving here that it hadn’t even occurred to me to give the night sky a chance once again. An opportunity arose last night, just after midnight, and it was like a soul reawakening. I was immediately taken back to my teenage years, sitting with friends in the middle of a wide open field with nothing and no one else around. We’d gaze up and laugh about our dreams, wondering what was in store for us. Those days were full of chaos, but moments like that made it all worth it. The stars made anything possible.

Looking up at them last night I started to feel that way once more. Older and maybe only a little wiser now, I know there are limits and not quite everything you dream can come to be. But for a few moments it was nice to feel that awe again.