Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Not even pregnant and I get an epidural...

How cruel is that?

I finally met with my surgeon yesterday and the disc has NOT ruptured again!!  He said the nerve root channel is narrower because of the amount of disc that has been removed and there's also scar tissue around the nerve.  So it's staying irritated.  The plan now is to get an epidural cortisone-type injection... eek.  But it's better than another surgery.  The other option is lumbar fusion which neither of us wants now!

The written interpretation of the MRI was put in my medical records online, and I found an interesting little tidbit.  "Numerous large calcified gallstones are present."  Isn't that just fantastic.  If I hadn't discovered that myself, no one would have told me.  My back surgeon didn't because he wasn't looking up there.  Is it his responsibility to tell me even though he's just concerned with my lower back?  Is he required to look over all the results, or just the portion he's tending to?  I really don't know.  No other doctor is going to see the results.  I've had no symptoms, so I guess I'll just keep an eye on that myself.

Moving on.  Surprisingly, for very brief moments the ex actually got me thinking about us getting back together.  All week I've had little thoughts creeping into my mind which got me remembering the good times we had.  Then common sense would kick in and remind me how emotionally unsupportive and distant he usually was.  I couldn't be happy with that forever.  Still though, it would be so easy to just fall back together, and I wondered about it.  But last night finally did it for me.  I dreamed we did just that and it wasn't good.  I regretted it immediately and wanted out, so I guess that's my answer.  Just needed my subconscious to back me up.

I've been practice talking to guys, if that makes sense.  I've never been good at conversation, especially on dates with men, so I thought I could take this time away from dating to work on my lack of skills.  There's a popular messaging app where you can pretty much make up your info and talk to people.  So I created one of those and started conversing with a few fellas.  They're all relatively local, but I didn't post a picture and haven't been quite honest answering some questions.  I fib on my line of work and particular details about my life just in case I were to ever meet them on the street.  Not that that's likely to happen, but you never know.  And you can't be too safe on the internet.  It's been fun so far, and maybe my next first date won't be so awkward.

Closure?

It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks.  I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet.  I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule.  For a week and a half out.  So frustrating.

My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate.  Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one?  Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different.  She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all.  I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay.  Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight.  Oh, how I've missed her!

My Whole30 is complete!  I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser.  I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years.  On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy.  I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness.  I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little.  Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating.  And then yesterday I was doing well until...

The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner.  He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite."  Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation.  Then he asked me to dinner.  I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.

He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever.  We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready.  Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time.  Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.

He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that.  He said he understood.  Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children.  I was firm.  Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot.  After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water.  He kept starting to say something, then would stop.  He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.

I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me.  There it is.  Again.  Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction.  I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on!  I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!

As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet.  I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants.  He took me home and asked if he could see my dog.  We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played.  It was sad.

I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went.  I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did.  I guess that's something.

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.

Whole30

Today has been a fun-filled one full of cooking.  And I don't even like cooking.

My chiropractor has been getting on me lately about trying the Whole30 program to see if it could help with the inflammation around my back and also improve my health in general.  At first I kinda considered it, but didn't really look into it.  I knew it meant cutting out grain goods and dairy and I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't want to.

A couple of weeks ago she suggested it again, and for some reason I started doing some research.  Then something switched in my brain, and I started really wanting to do it.  I've been overweight for several years now, and that spare tire has not been good for my already fragile self-esteem and confidence.  I knew this would be a good way to seriously attempt to lose some weight, and it would only be thirty days.  I figured I could do that.

And so I did.  I knew there would be a birthday potluck for a girl at work that would have particularly delicious dishes, so I chose to start the day after that, which was Tuesday.  I am currently on Day 5 and going strong.  Day 1 was good, but Days 2 & 3 kicked my ass.  I had pounding headaches and no energy at all.  I guess from all the bad junk leaving my body?  I was craving everything I couldn't have, and it didn't help that there were tons of sweet goodies at work.

But I've resisted, and it's paying off.  As of yesterday I've already lost four pounds!  I weighed myself three times to make sure the scale was correct, and even then I wasn't convinced.  I've never lost that much is such a short period of time.  You're not supposed to weigh yourself at all during the thirty days, but I just couldn't help it.  I really wanted to see if I'd made any progress, and knowing that I have has given me even more determination to keep with it.

I didn't plan for the start of it very well, and I got pretty bored of the food.  I'd eat a couple of eggs for breakfast and have some tea.  I am not a fan of tea and actually went back to coffee today and added a little coconut milk and cinnamon.  I'd have some fruit and leftovers for lunch.  For dinner every single night I was making chicken and vegetables.  It was good, but it was getting rough.

This week I've prepped much better!  I looked up recipes and stocked up at the grocery store.  I did a lot of cooking today so there won't be quite as much through the week.

Firstly, I made ghee!  I'm not sure I've ever even tried it, but I'm getting tired of cooking everything with EVOO and needed another option.  Plus I figured if it involved butter it had to be good!  I followed this recipe from The Healthy Foodie.  It was pretty simple, and I can't wait to try it tomorrow!

Freshly made and a few hours later

Next I wanted to make the meatballs found here at Stay Fit Mom.  I changed the recipe a little by using ground turkey instead of beef and left out the onions.  They were so good!  I wanted the spaghetti and meatballs experience, so I used a peeler to make zucchini "noodles" and threw together a makeshift tomato sauce.  All together they made a pretty damn good dish.

I had some extra turkey and pork left over and decided to try my hand at the scotch eggs from Stupid Easy Paleo.  I medium-ish boiled the eggs and left out the spice mix and honey.  Basically it was just meat and sea salt, but it seriously tasted like some sausage.  These are going to be part of my breakfasts this week.

They look rough but, my, are they tasty.

I'm so glad I started the Whole30 and am pretty stoked to hopefully continue seeing results.  And I'm super excited to try more of the recipes I've found.  I really hope that after the thirty days I'll want to keep up the healthy eating and stick to a mostly Paleo diet.  Well, we'll see.  At least healthier anyway.

Pay it Forward

About a year and a half ago when my awesomest of roommates got married, she asked me to make the cake.  I looked forever for a fitting topper and finally found it two days before the wedding.  Across the country.  It was on Etsy, and I asked the artist if she could ship it overnight.  She didn't get the message until the next day, but she could still ship it so it would arrive right before the ceremony.  I paid for the standard overnight charges and was all excited to get it.  I told the artist what it was for, and she said she wanted pictures.  Then I got another email from her saying that the shipping charge would be some absolutely obscene amount of money more.  Which I just did not have.  Extremely bummed, I told her I couldn't afford the extra.  And she wrote back...

It will be there tomorrow morning.  Have a great Christmas :)  Pay it forward ♥

And today I finally did.  I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years.  I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008.  I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range.  No takers.  I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one.  Then I just stopped for a while.  I was tired of trying.  Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60.  Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed.  I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to.  It clearly said local pick up only.  Oh well.

I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again.  Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30.  I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow."  Deal.  I was ready to be done with it.  As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.

We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece.  As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person.  She held out the money, and I shook my head.  I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did.  I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry.  When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it.  I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.

Bittersweet.

Better Updates

Not as grouchy as the last post, but there have been moments this past week.  Overall it's been okay.  Been making progress on some things.

- My car is getting fixed in about two weeks, and the rental car peeps will pick me up at the shop.  The other person's insurance is paying for it all.

- Had my last physical therapy appointment yesterday, and we've determined that it's not doing any good.  I see the surgeon next week and am going to be firm about getting an MRI.  Not good progress on this one, but at least it's something.

- Thought I had another promising roommate prospect, but then... nope.  What's up with all the flakes?

- I've started the Whole30 diet thing.  My chiropractor has been pushing me towards it lately because she thinks it can help with inflammation in my back.  I'm only on day two, but so far so good.  I am totally craving all the bad things though.  It's gonna be a long month, but I'm determined.

- I've started couponing some, mainly during super doubles week.  This week I spent about $28 dollars and saved $115!  Absolute craziness.

Eh, I guess that's about it for now.  Exciting stuff, I know.

Grouchy

- Put up ad on C-list for the room, get several promising responses, back and forth with a couple of them, send applications... never hear back.

- Texting with Dakota Guy all night who said he wasn't doing anything for the evening, get tired of texting, call him 30 seconds after his last text, no answer and no more texts... I know your phone is right fucking beside you!

- Back hurts, physical therapy making it hurt more and therapist saying, "Good!"... frustrated and tearing up on treadmill hoping no one sees me brushing them away.

- Physical therapy aggravating bursitis in shoulder... come on!

- Still haven't heard from the lawyer about getting my car fixed from the accident... what's the hold up?!

- Scroll through FB and my old dog pops up as a someone I might know... start bawling.

- All over FB that it's National Breastfeeding Week, see articles, people I know posting pics, their mothers calling them Breastfeeding Goddesses... terrified I will never get to do that.

- Dinner with two "sisters", their kids and parents at the parents' house, see them all one big happy family, grandparents on floor playing, scared that 1- I'll never get to have kids, 2- My back will never be strong enough for me to do all that when I'm older... rushing to bathroom to hide tears.

- Two parking spaces in front of my house, one has not been occupied for a couple of months and the whole neighborhood knows it, neighbors let their guest park in it for four days now, never asked if it was cool, I would have said yes, but it's the principle of the thing... grr.

- Same neighbors' dog comes out when I'm happily playing with my dog and instigates fence fighting... why???

Yes, AF is in town.

Dates and Roommates

I'm freakin out, man.  I signed up for a roommate finder website, and there weren't a lot of options.  I've contacted a couple of people so far, but the first stopped responding after he got pictures and the other hasn't replied yet.  If the second doesn't today, I'm going to have to post an ad on...

C r a i g s l i s t !!!

Cue the shrieking.

To be fair, I have had a lot of pleasant transactions occur from that site.  I've sold stuff, discovered several of my past residences, and actually found my last roommate who turned into a best friend.  But I've also been contacted by some creepers, and that's what makes me the most nervous.

Last time I was looking for someone to join me in finding a rental.  This time I'm inviting someone into my house, my home and place of comfort.  I need to be able to trust them, especially with my pets.  Guess I'll just have to develop a very strict screening process.  Or I could just chill the eff out and trust my instinct with whoever applies.  We'll see.

In other news, the guy I went out with asked for another date.  I kind of told him I just wanted to be friends, and he seemed cool with it.  Said he still wants to hang out which would be nice because we did have an enjoyable time.

The next weekend I hung out with his cousin (by marriage... does that still count?) for an evening.  I'd actually be holding out on finding a roommate the past couple of months in hopes that he'd be able to rent the room, but it didn't work out.  I used to work with him, and he's an entire decade younger than me, but the night was pretty fun.  He offered to drive because he knew I wanted to drink.  It was cool to hang out with a guy with no pressure or expectations.

I've been talking (texting) to Dakota Guy (what I'm now calling the guy I've known forever and asked out a couple of months ago) a lot still.  We spoke on the phone last night for the first time in awhile.  Our conversations are always at least a couple of hours long and quite enjoyable.  We text pretty much daily, and I really like the feeling of having someone to check in on every now and then.  I miss that from being in a relationship.  The light flirting is also pretty nice.

Testing the Waters

I went on a date last night.  My first first date in over three years, and I was pretty proud of myself.  I was nervous, but not overly so.  I came off as pretty confident (I think) and was surprisingly half decent at the conversation.  He seemed shy or nervous or something and didn't talk a whole lot at first, and I was pretty happy with myself as I kept the conversation going.  Something I'm rarely able to do.

He actually offered to pick me up, which surprised me.  We went to dinner then walked around for a bit.  We ended up on a bench by the water where we talked for a long time as we watched the lightning show from a storm offshore.  When we realized how late it had gotten, he drove me home.  We said our goodbyes from the truck with no mention of seeing each other again from either of us.

Which is fine.  He seemed really nice, but I don't think we have much in common at all.  And he's shorter than me.  I know that really doesn't matter, but I've always been weird about it.

And for some strange reason, I don't think I'm destined to be with a southern boy.  Dates with them have never led to another, and all the relationships I've been in have been with guys from the north or midwest.  Weird.

I've been thinking about my ex-husband more lately.  I think it's because I've been really missing that deep, close connection with someone.  That feeling of being all in and knowing they want you for who you are.  Which I haven't felt in the many years since him because I don't think I ever truly had it with the most recent ex.  But my husband was my first love, and I keep wondering if you ever get to have that feeling again with someone else.  Does it work like that?

Que Sera, Sera

"What screws us up most in life 

is the picture in our heads
of how it's supposed to be."

I've seen this quote around the internet a lot lately, and it's got me thinking.  Since I was in high school I've pictured myself falling in love with a man and having children with him.  Of course we'd have trials along the way, but overall we'd have our own happily ever after.  Or whatever the real life equivalent of that is.  And I've never questioned it.  In my mind that's just how it's supposed to be.

But what if it's not?

Maybe I'm not actually going to have a lifelong partner.  Maybe I'll be with different people and enjoy the time with each of them while it's good.  Maybe they'll each be serious for a while, or maybe they'll all be casual.  Or it could be a mix.

Maybe I won't ever have children.  Maybe I won't actually create a little life and feel it grow inside of me.  Maybe my body's not capable of it.  Maybe adoption won't ever be an option.  Maybe I'll never be financially able to support someone other than myself.

It's sad and a little scary to think that the major things you've always wanted just might not happen.  But it's also kind of liberating at the same time.  It could be the "live for today" mentality starting up.  Or that old saying "stop trying and it'll happen" that everyone loves to tell you.  Or maybe it's just me getting tired of being disappointed... "You can't be disappointed if you have no expectations." 

I don't know if I believe in fate.  Are things really meant to be?  Does everything happen for a reason?  Looking back I can see how things that have happened have led to other important things, many times good.  And that brings comfort when you're going through a hard time.  But is that how it was supposed to go down, or was it just coincidence?

Maybe there's another purpose for my life.

Maybe I just suck at relationships.

Maybe I'll find out one day.

Accident

I've been very lucky through the years with driving.  There have been some close calls, but I've never had so much as a traffic ticket, let alone been in an accident.  Until this past week.  I was driving to work and got rear ended at a light.  I got hit hard and pushed into the car ahead of me.  It scared me pretty badly, and I think I was in some form of shock for a little while.  I was kind of spacey and shaky.  And now...

My.  Back.  Effing.  Hurts.

It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident.  Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time.  They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation.  Awesome.

Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs.  Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again.  I'm nervous.  My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week.  Joy.  My poor car will need some doctoring too.  Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that.  We've been through a lot together.

I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!"  They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer.  I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now.  They were awesome and are going to handle everything.  Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.

Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

Of course...

I took a big step this week.  I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.

He said no.

Because that's how my life goes.

He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together.  It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids.  He's not ready for that serious of a commitment.  Uh huh.  How many times have I heard that now?  I actually do believe him though.  He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now.  But it just sucks.

I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that.  And I really thought he would say yes.  We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too.  I think we would be amazing together.

How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life?  I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long.  My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me.  Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28.  The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know.  But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says.  And now this guy at 32.  I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator.  Is that just it?  Am I not meant to find it?

Or maybe I already have...

At least I've got him.

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.

A Liar and A Cheater

He did cheat on me.  He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically.  Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local.  It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends.  He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.

I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it."  So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March.  Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.

He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery.  I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work.  Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends.  I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.

I feel so stupid.  "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs.  If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them.  Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is.  I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions.  I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me.  All that being said though, I really did love him.

When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me.  I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately.  He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat.  Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater.  All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth.  I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.

He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore.  I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all.  I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone.  Time for yet another fresh start.

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

The Beginning of The End... Again

This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad.  For real this time.  Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication.  His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan.  He was out of his mind.  When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore.  And he hasn't had any for almost a week.

My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds.  She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down.  Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is.  That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left.  She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.

He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again.  I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good.  He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain.  He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.

A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.