I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Local Doc

This week I finally had my follow-up appointment with my local gyno, which went well.  I was there for about an hour and a half, and most of it was just waiting.  I was in the main waiting room which was filled with pregnant women for about half an hour.  I totally agree with everyone who says there should be separate waiting rooms for preggo and for non-knocked up patients.

When I was finally called back I handed over the records from the surgeon, and the nurse started typing them all into her computer.  When she first looked over them she said, "You had all of this done at one time?  It's amazing you're moving around so well."  And this is five weeks after surgery.  I sat next to her for about twenty more minutes as she typed everything in.  As she escorted me to the next waiting room she said, "Sorry that took so long... there were so many -ectomies to type in!"  Yes, yes there were.

A few minutes later I was taken to the exam room where I would wait for the doctor.  For at least another twenty minutes.  It.  Took.  Forever.  When she finally came in she herself looked over all the records and notes and said, "You had endo all over the place... we never see that."  All I could think was, "And that's why I went to Atlanta."

She was actually pretty interested in everything.  She asked questions about the surgery and was impressed with how they did it.  She was pretty excited to do my exam and really wanted to see the internal pachingo stitches.  The exam wasn't very pleasant for me, but she said everything looked great and gave me the okay to resume normal activities after this cycle ends.  (Which, by the way, did coincide with another flare up in my back, which totally leads me to believe that they're related.  Craziness.)

She went over my list of medications and asked if I was still on birth control, to which I said no.  She asked, "So if you were to get pregnant now, that would be okay?"  I happily replied with a yes.  It felt wonderful to say that now, no longer being in the dark and knowing that my chances are much better than they were before surgery.  We want to wait a little while, but if it happens, I'll be completely okay with it.

Post-Op Review

I'm home.  The rides down and back were long.  Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle.  Surgery itself went well.  Recovery has been a bitch.  And now I'm home.  Resting.  And doing laundry.

It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us.  Are you kidding me?  We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital.  We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away.  Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.

The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon.  Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate.  When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us.  Apparently no one informed us of some other things either.  I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.

When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months.  Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is.  He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs.  So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there".   He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know.  Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam.  Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day.  In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok.  I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.

That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep.  Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating.  I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up.  I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.

The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am.  Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area.  After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me.  We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day.  After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.  What an incredible man.

Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three.  I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room.  My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found.  Here's the rundown:

- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch!  He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine.  Tubes looked fine.

Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above.  He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II.  He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!!  That's so exciting!  He also said that the endo shouldn't come back.  The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.

But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery!  It's been rough.  The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap.  And I can't stop freakin crying!  I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.

I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with.  He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions.  The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up.  Geez.  Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting.  I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there.  This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting.  I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.

After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road.  We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home.  For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though.  Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night.  I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet.  But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything.  She's been absolutely incredible through all of this.  So supportive and there for whatever I needed.

So now I'm home.  It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why.  The overcast sky outside matches my mood.  I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility.  My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better.  So why am I so freakin sad??  Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me.  They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.

But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful.  For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him.  For finally being able to go through with this surgery.  For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years.  I am truly lucky.

Welcome, ICLWers!

Hi there!  This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week, so I thought I would introduce myself!  I'm Amethyst, am 31 and live in North Carolina.  I started this blog back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I were trying to conceive our first.  Well, that never happened.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis about nine months in, and he ended our marriage six months after that.  I didn't see it coming and was devastated for a long time.

Since then I've been working on getting my life back on track.  I've been at my current job for around twelve years, minus about a year and a half when the ex and I had moved away.  I bought a house this past summer, and right now it's just me, my catahoula pup and spaz cat in it.  I've been dating a wonderful man going on two years now, and we're about to get engaged.  Hopefully we'll be getting married later this year and will start TTC (what I call my two pink lines trek) soon after.  All I've wanted my entire life is to have children.  We'll see.

I was diagnosed with endo at the age of 27 when it was found in my pachingo (vagina).  My gyno found a cyst behind my cervix during a yearly exam which she cut out (ouch!) and sent off.  The biopsy came back positive as endo, and I'm pretty sure I've had it since I was around twelve or so.  I've never had laparoscopic surgery due to lack of insurance and finances and I wonder every day about the status of my insides.  The past couple of years most of my pain has been manageable with what I consider my miracle birth control.  A few months ago the daily pain started creeping back in, and it seems my miracle drug isn't working as well as it used to.

Last week I attended the Million Woman March for Endometriosis in Washington, DC.  It was pretty fantastic.  The ten weeks before it I participated in a bloggers uniting thing with new "assignments" each week.  All of those posts are located here, if you're interested.

This blog is oftentimes like a teenage girl's diary... it's where I come to vent and work through thoughts and emotions.  It's my private place that no one "in real life" knows about.  Sometimes just coming here helps so much, even when what gets written doesn't make any sense.

Please take a look around and comment wherever you'd like.  I look forward to getting to know you!

A Bit on Endo

I don't think my birth control is working as well as it used to.  It had been my miracle drug for pain management, but it's been slowly sliding downhill lately.  The everyday pain had been gone, but it's slipping back in.  The "that time of the month" pain is getting stronger with each passing month, but luckily pain killers still help.  I'm spotting for several days again before and after AF.  The getting really emotional for no reason right before AF arrives is back as of yesterday.  I wanted to cry all day at the slightest things for absolutely no good reason, and I hate it.

I'm not looking forward to how I'll be when I finally go off the birth control to start TTC again.  (I'm kinda hoping it'll be later this year, but as with everything else, I guess we'll see.)  When I came off to start TTC the first time, it got weird.  My body was doing things it never used to do before I ever started taking BCP.  Beforehand when I was a teenager and in early 20s, I would get debilitating pain at the start of AF that would last for a few days.  I would barely be able to stand upright or walk... I remember crawling to the bathroom all the time, crying the whole while.  My back and bowels were affected.  And the whole time I thought it was my normal because other women in my family were affected the same way.  Never did I know that that type of pain was definitely not normal.

Then I started taking BCP and started to feel better.  I took them for about two years until the ex and I were ready to start TTC.   That's when my body started doing more weird things.  I started spotting at odd times of the month.  It started as a few days after AF left and a few days before she arrived the next month.  It worked up to every day in between, so I was bleeding to some extent every single day.  And I started experiencing mittelschmerz, which I never had before.  It started when it should, when I would be ovulating, but it also escalated, and I was having similar sharp and stabbing pain every single day.

I started doing research, and that's when I first learned of endometriosis.   As I read through the symptoms and realized I had a majority of them I wondered if it could be the reason I'd had so much trouble through the years.  As it turned out, my doctor found a cyst behind my cervix during a routine exam just a couple of months later that was biopsied and confirmed as endo.  Talk about timing.

It makes me mad that I'd never heard of the disease before.  As many as one in ten women have it, yet very few people have ever heard of it.  Had I known about it in my teenage years, I could have taken action then and been spared years of pain.  But I thought it was just my lot in life as part of being a woman.  It also angers me that so many doctors do not have correct information on the disease.  A lot of misinformation is still floating around and some of the things I've had doctors say to me about it still anger me to this day.  Having experienced that, I am certain now that if I do ever have a laparoscopy, it will be done by an endo specialist.

It's interesting to me how this one disease can affect so much of your body.  How it affects more that just the reproductive organs and can disrupt the proper function of others.  When this sciatic pain was at its worst a couple of weeks ago, when I could barely walk without being in tears... I started spotting.  Could it be related?

Anyways, back to the birth control.  I wonder what will happen when I stop taking it again.  Will it be like it was the first time?  Will the pain be the same, or any better or worse?  Will any new things develop?

Will I be able to conceive?

Bullet Points

I'm pretty excited right now!  Got my taxes done last night and am getting a good chunk of change back.  Enough to pay most of my car loan off so I'll only have a few more payments before it's totally mine.  Once that's done, I can put more towards my credit card and actually make some progress with it.  Then I can start saving for a down payment because...

I'm really considering buying a house again now.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  This town is home, and I have no desire to move again any time soon.  My last mortgage was cheaper than what I'm paying for rent now, plus I can get approved for more than I did last time because I'm making more.  Not a whole lot, but every little bit helps.

I'm seeing the boy tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks I think.  I got the flu, then we both got busy and tonight is the first we'll be hanging out in what seems like a really long time.  I've kinda missed him.  It should be a mellow night... Chinese and a movie at his place.  My pachingo feels sorta broken right now, so nothing along those lines will be happening.  Thanks endo.

Work's been going fantastically.  My boss has been gone for a little while, and I've been holding the fort down.  I love how I know almost everything about that business.  I certainly should by now... started working there nine freakin years ago.  I was walking around last week, and it hit me how much I enjoy my job.  The people can be trying at times, but for the most part we're all simpatico.  Most of our clients are "regulars" and seem to appreciate that we know them and their pets so well.  Plus I get to love on their pets all day, and what's better than that?

Gotta go get ready for all that puppy lovin now.  :)

Sometimes I wish I could see the future...

I’m sad today and scared. I’ve been thinking about the endo a lot lately, and I’m scared of the unknown aspects of it. I’m scared because I don’t know if it’s there (other than in the pachingo) and if it is, how much damage it’s done. I’m scared because it’s going to be a very, very long time before I can get a lap to find out. I’m scared that by then it will have done too much damage for me to have a child naturally. I’m scared I may never get to live out my dream of being a mother. That terrifies me and saddens me horribly.

When I think of the future now, I don’t know how to picture it. In the past I’ve always pictured a big happy family, but now it’s different. All I see is a big unanswered question. I’m not certain that children will be there now, and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel empty.

This Little Piggy...

When I was around 22 or so I had toe surgery. I was not blessed with all perfect toes and wanted to have one straightened out. So when it came time the doctor injected my toe with a numbing agent. I’ve gotten better with needles over the years, but I certainly wasn’t too keen on them back then. Even so, I thought I did pretty good… I just looked away so I didn’t have to watch. I didn’t freak out or anything. I didn’t even flinch. I simply turned my head. After seeing this the doctor asked me if I had any children. I replied that I did not. He then said one of the most audacious things I’ve ever heard come out of a doctor’s mouth:

“You probably shouldn’t if you can’t handle the pain from one little toe.”

I did a double take! Did he really just say that?!? I was shocked and unfortunately all I could do was stare at him in disbelief. If he hadn’t had a knife in his hand about to operate on my toe I would have given him a few words to ponder. That toe is still crooked.

He ranked right up there with the doctor who had me hold my arms out while he pushed down on them and asked questions as a lie-detector test. I've always had the least amount of upper body strength of just about anyone... I always failed in gym class when it came time for push-ups, pull-ups or to climb that damn rope. So when this doctor was on his fifteenth question and my arms were about to fall off, he determined that I was lying about eating too much sugar and that's what had been causing all of my adolescent headaches. My back and eyes had nothing to do with it...

On a different note, I did end up jinxing myself with the previous post. Wouldn’t you know the very next day I woke up with some spotting. How rude! Then I thought, hey, it could be implantation! It did go away for a couple of days, but it’s back now and brought its friend, cramping. I’m not giving up hope though! I’m telling myself for now that it’s due to the little bit of pachingo cyst still up there. Yep, that’s what it is. ;) I guess we’ll find out in a few days!

*Knock on Wood*

I should totally NOT be writing this because I know I’ll be jinxing myself, but I’m just so excited. There has been NO SPOTTING for nine whole days! I am over the moon about this! I have been spotting for freakin ever lately, and now it has stopped. I’m secretly pretending that it’s an indicator of a forthcoming BFP! I know it’s probably not, but I haven’t not spotted for this long in months, so of course my hopes are up. Logically I know it’s most likely because most of the pachingo cyst isn’t there anymore, but I don’t care for logic right now.

Okay body, this is what's
gonna happen!  Visualize...

I AM getting my BFP this month because I don’t want to go on Clomid next month and become even more of a basket case, making the husband not want to do what’s necessary to make a baby.
 

I AM getting my BFP this month because the roommate heard us creating the little one and I didn’t go through that embarrassment for nothing.

I AM getting my BFP this month because it would figure that we spend a whole bunch of money on an SA to find out his swimmers are all good the same week we find out we’re pregnant. (Stuff like that just seems to happen for us.)

I AM getting my BFP this month because the due date will be about the time we’ll be moving across the country, and it would be totally inconvenient and change all the plans. (I’m okay with that though.)

I AM getting my BFP this month because I said so.

I can talk myself into just about anything.

" I've heard of it, but never actually seen it..."

That’s what my doctor said to me again when she confirmed I have endo in my pachingo. WooHoo! Go body, showin’ the doctors somethin’ new! It’s like my private lady parts are proving some old wives tale to be true. Doesn’t get any better than that! Haha.

Anyways, that’s the diagnosis. She didn’t really say much more about it. The cyst was pretty much taken care of at the last appointment and shouldn’t be causing any more problems. All the blood work came back normal except for something to do with the thyroid being a tad high, but it’s nothing to be concerned about. She said that for another something-or-other I have better levels than anyone there and that I must eat a lot of spinach. Must be the vegan prenatal because my diet has taken a nose dive here lately! I had a transvaginal (trans-pachingo?) ultrasound which showed a normal sized uterus and multiple follicles getting ready for O time. It also showed a tiny cyst on the other ovary, but she said that was normal for someone my age.

So here’s the plan… since I’m healthy and ovulating regularly, she said the next step is to get my wonderful husband checked out. We get to take a “specimen” to the hospital lab next week to get his swimmers analyzed. If he checks out okay, then it’s onto Clomid for me for a few months. If no preggo eggo by our one-year mark of January then it’s off to Memphis to see a “specialist”. She said he’ll probably want to do a lap to check for endo elsewhere.

Poor husband. The doctor asked if I thought he’d be willing to do the SA, and I knew immediately that he would. We hadn’t talked about it, but he’s so supportive. His face kinda went blank as I told him the “good” news for him, but he said he was fine with it. We do get to try it on our own one more month as “go time” is quickly approaching, so maybe we’ll get lucky and not have to do any of “the plan”!

On a side note, I called my mom and told her all that was going on. She gets mad if I don’t tell her medical stuff going on with me. Anways, I told her the medical side of it first, then dropped the bomb that we’d been trying to get pregnant for a little while. I hoped she’d go crazy with excitement and start squealing and jumping up and down, but that’s not my mom. Instead I got a flat “You think it’s a good time?” in true Mom fashion. She was polite about it and wished us luck, but I could tell she thinks we should wait longer. Oh well… can’t please everyone, especially parents. It’s taken me a long time to accept that and be okay with it, but luckily I am now. Well, I'm trying.

The Long-Awaited Appointment

The wait was extremely long, and I was surrounded by pregnant people in the waiting rooms. Huge bellies, medium bellies, little hints of bellies that will become huge very soon. A lot of them belonged to very young and angry looking teenagers. That made me sad. I got naked and sat in a cold room for another long wait. The doctor eventually came in and was so warm and caring that I didn't mind how long I'd been waiting anymore. I love her! Sooo much better than my first ever gyno who, while standing outside the door yelled in disbelief that I hadn’t had a lady exam before that. Announce it to the whole world and make me even more nervous, why dontcha?! I found out later she was fired for bad bed-side manner.

Anyways, the new wonderful doctor lady found a cyst behind my cervix and said it might be what’s been causing a lot of my problems. She also said it might be endometriosis. I didn’t know endo could be in the pachingo (vagina... totally stole that from Scrubs), but sure, why not. She spread me wide open, poked, prodded and took a biopsy. It wasn’t pleasant. It hurt a lot actually. She kept apologizing for torturing me and decided to hold off on the internal ultrasound for my sake. That might come next week. She said laparoscopy, D&C and some other one I can’t remember are possibilities.

She ordered blood work to check hormones and to rule out infection, and I go back next week to see what it all says. When it was time to have blood drawn I freaked out... not sure why, I've had it done a million times before and been fine. Anyways, they left the door open for that and everyone in the second waiting room got to hear me being a wuss about it all. I could feel the eyes as I walked out. Cherry on top.
 

This crap is expensive without insurance. Today alone cost… well a lot. Luckily since I was able to pay, excuse me, charge today’s visit in full, twenty percent was knocked off. And that twenty percent was almost two hundred dollars. The lady who checked me out said she didn’t even know how much some of the other stuff costs and she’ll call me when she finds out. That can’t be good.

My amazing husband is wonderful. He said no matter what the cost we’ll take care of it and get me all fixed. My best friend reassured that all would turn out fine, but she added that dreaded “Just don’t stress and it’ll happen.” I know she meant well. I want to call my mom so badly, but I don’t want her to worry, which I know she will. My step-dad’s first wife died from cervical cancer, and I know he’d be a mess until next week too. He’s already in bad enough health, and the added stress wouldn’t be good for him.

Okay, pity party over. Just needed to get that out.